Yes, friends, it's been a while since my last story (or first, depending on how you see it), but if you've still got me on your alert list, thanks very much. And so I bring you The Tragedy of Remus John Lupin, my first Harry Potter fic and my second fic altogether. Any advice is appreciated, and if I have any grammatical or factual errors, let me know (I proofread my best, but I've only just finished this and…yeah).
Also: I don't know the term for being a werewolf. Something like "lynthrocracy"? Let me know.
Flames and raves are both accepted as long as you back yourself up. It won't hurt my feelings if you're honest, so no worries.
I have another idea for a Remus/Tonks fic, involving the way they died, so if that's your particular brand of Vodka, bookmark me and watch this space.
Without further ado, I now present…
The Tragedy of Remus John Lupin
"The stranger was wearing an extremely shabby set of wizard's robes that ha been darned in several places. He looked ill and exhausted. Though quite young, his light brown hair was flecked with gray."
Remus John Lupin, husband to Nymphadora Tonks, is one of the four people who are summoned with the Resurrection Stone shortly before the seventeen year old Harry Potter is hit with Voldemort's Killing Curse. Death, as it were, suits Lupin. He is younger, less shabby, his hair thicker, darker, and he looks happy, above all other things. For Remus Lupin was never quite content in his life. His life was not a complete tragedy, no; it is only in the hidden corners and the darkest moments during which one can fully understand the woe that consumed his life. It was only in death that Remus could finally receive the life of happiness that he deserved yet only knew brief bouts of it in life. And so, my friends, I give to you today, this. The tragedy of one Remus John Lupin.
The first tragedy is indeed the root of many of Remus's later grievances. Indeed, prior to this initial tragedy, our hero may have lived a content and happy life. After, however...
"An odd shiver passed over his face. 'But I won't deny that I am a werewolf.'"
Becoming a werewolf in itself is no easily achieved feat. You must be bitten by another werewolf on the full moon. The bite is not numb, you are not unfeeling towards it, but one would imagine that the lasting effects
might persuade you to forget about the original pain. Still, for a young boy, you can only imagine-waking up one morning a happy and content child and ending it with an incurable illness that makes your mother weep and your father curse.
And then there is the "illness", the transformations themselves. Remus tells Harry that it is very painful to turn into a werewolf with each passing moon. The body goes rigid, the limbs begin to shake. The head and body lengthen; hair sprouts and hands curl into clawed paws. The wizard is "a fully fledged monster."
The Whomping Willow, the Shrieking Shack, both erected specifically for Remus Lupin's use so that he might attend Hogwarts School. Lupin transforms with each moon. His friends discover the truth and do something for Remus that locks in a sense of friendship, of closeness-they become Animagus and gain the ability to keep Remus company during the full moon as much as they pleased. It's the ultimate act of friendship-they have not rejected him, they do not fear him as much of the wizarding population would, and they risk their lives to help him. It is later on, then, that he is able to almost enjoy transformations, something completely unimaginable in the past.
It is debatable how much Lupin may have compared himself to his friends. Sirius and James were the unbeatable duo, Peter and Lupin always feelings surprised and lucky to be there.
Did jealousy take him over at times? We don't know.
The first tragedy seems as though it will no longer matter. Indeed, it may play a part in his life, but it will not define him. He has his friends, he is accepted, and he is happy.
The second tragedy is quite unrelated to his condition, to the grievance of being a werewolf. In a way, this makes it almost even harder to bear; by now he must be used to hardships due to his lynthrocracy. No, this is something worse than afflictions of the body-this second tragedy involves the outside world and the people who mattered most to him in the world-his friends.
"Lupin's eyes suddenly widened, as though he was seeing something beyond Black, something none of the rest could see, '-unless HE was the one...unless you switched...without telling me?"
Peter Pettigrew's cruel betrayal of the Potters is, in itself, another tale of woe and regret. What many fail to realize is that the death of the Potters and the imprisonment of Sirius Black was not the first stab to the heart that Remus had to suffer.
"Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter."
The Potters knew they were being watched by the murderous Lord Voldemort, and they were well aware that someone within their inner circle was passing information to the Dark Lord himself. Why they turned in suspicion to Lupin is not known, but it's doubtless that it had to do with two factors. One, of course, being the lynthrocracy. In harder times, we forget our knowledge and reform our prejudices, even if the action is only subconscious. The second may have been Lupin's shy, quieter side. Constantly absorbed in books and refraining from a lot of talking, it's easy to see how someone might have pinpointed Lupin as the traitor in their midst. It would not be hard to agree to this argument.
Once it was believed Lupin was a spy, an informant of the Dark Lord, the Potters and their friends must have taken precautions. You would not let your betrayer near your only son, your child whom you loved above all things. And so it would follow that Remus Lupin, perfectly innocent and caring very much for his friends, was pushed away. One would imagine that he was not allowed near the baby Harry Potter nor his parents, and if he managed to speak with any of his friends, the conversations that followed were likely cold and unfriendly.
Can you imagine? It is the height of a war against an enemy so powerful and vast, you are outnumbered a dozen to one and there is no escape in sight. You spend all your time watching the backs of your friends and fighting for you life, your numbers are decreasing one by one...And then you are alone. Your friends have not died, but they have turned away from you. They think that you are a traitor. They think that you want them to die. If they see you in the street, they shield their faces with their cloaks or fix you with a cold stare as though you have insulted them beyond all possible means. You are plunged into solitude and loneliness, colder than death because they are choosing to hate you, not being ripped from you. They chose to hate. They see you suffer alone, and they do not care. They do not care about you.
This is the way Remus John Lupin's life was changed forever. It is in a single night that his prison of solitude is broken and all hopes of regaining his previous life disappears.
Lily and James Potter, of Godric's Hollow, are sought out by Lord Voldemort and murdered personally, defenseless and unprotected. This in itself would be a devastating blow.
Lily and James Potter had entrusted their location to a single soul-James's best friend, Remus's own as well. Sirius Black. He was the only one who knew of the location, he was their Secret Keeper; he deluged the information to Lord Voldemort. Lupin has lost two best friends, one to death and another to evil.
But that's not all. The fourth friend, Peter Pettigrew, is murdered, this time directly, by the betrayer, Sirius Black, along with twelve innocent bystanders. Murdered for no reason, murdered for the fun of it. And what did Sirius do then? He laughed. He stood there, in that street, knowing he had murdered two of his best friends, and laughs.
Lupin has lost the three best friends he has ever known in his entire life. The only people to look at him without judgment, to love unconditionally and to entrance him in their circle of mischief and friendship. Two, to murder, carried out by the third, who is lost to the darkest kind of evil. It is one thing to become evil and kill, and another to become evil and kill your best friends.
The war is over and Remus is alone. His world came to a crashing change so abruptly that it is almost within the blink of an eye. It is all over.
And so ends the second tragedy.
The third tragedy is loneliness. It haunts Remus throughout his life; you cannot be a werewolf without feeling lonely and misunderstood at times, but Remus was lonely more than that. His years with his friends were probably the happiest of his life; it is the thirteen years that followed that could have been the death of our hero.
He lived his life alone for thirteen years. His best friends were gone forever; two to death and one to insanity, and Remus was left with no one. How often did the memories of his friends haunt him? How often did he blame himself for the death of his friends? How many times did he transform, alone and without the aid of the Wolfsbane Potion? Remus kept to himself even when he was with his dearest friends, he was shy and quiet at the best of times, and coupled with his lynthrocracy, making friends would be almost impossible for him.
It is doubtlessly during this time that Remus attained his sordid views of himself. He was not an old man, but his experiences were far past those any man should have to have in his life. Thirteen years alone, stewing over his short life and his thoughts, only books and study for company. With each transformation, his attitude toward himself became more and more set in stone. It is hard for a ministry-registered werewolf to find work; even though he only transforms on the full moon, well away from any person, the deeply etched prejudice still remains.
"I am too old, too poor...too dangerous."
When you are alone for a long period of time, you begin to believe strange things. It is thus that Remus formed his opinion of himself-he did not deserve to love someone else. He was too old, graying and frayed, too poor, unemployed and forced to live off of the generosity of friends who grew annoyed and tired of him within weeks, too dangerous, transforming into a ravenous, raging beast every month, desperate to bite, to kill anything around him.
Loneliness. The third tragedy.
The fourth tragedy is in the eye of the beholder. To see his friend break free of Azkaban certainly must have stirred something deep within him, a kind of pride, and then shame at his pride in a man so surely insane. Feelings that he had pushed to the farthest corners of his mind were now brought sharply into check along with the memories of the best years of his life. Remus became a teacher at Hogwarts School, teaching many children whose parents were the former Order of the Phoenix, and most importantly, the thirteen year old son of his best friend, James Potter.
With Sirius escape, Remus was forced into the memories and contemplation. He had KNOWN Sirius, he had trusted him and James above all others, hadn't he? How could Sirius have managed to kill his best friends? How was it possible that a man could act like a friend for so many years, so long a time, while secretly plotting the death of his friends? It must have been torture on every level for Remus.
And then our fourth tragedy molds into miracle. Remus Lupin regains a friend and stops mourning another. With Peter Pettegriew exposed and unraveled, Remus finally can understand. Sirius, wrongly imprisoned for a murder he would die before commiting, of course he would, is back. Peter Pettegriew was the betrayer, the scum, not Sirius. And it is easier to bear, because although the notion that any friend would betray them is awful, he thought Peter dead and so it is still mourning, but he knows it is not worth the tears.
Over the next two years, Remus comes to care very deeply for the son of James Potter, and is tightly renewed with Sirius. Both aged prematurely by their experiences, a war on the brink of dawn, they both have a very deep understanding of each other. It's certain that Remus still found himself "looking after" Sirius, trying to restrain him from rash actions, but there is no doubt that Remus was finally able to be happy. He is falling in love, as well, which is both a blessing and a curse. He fights the instinct, the want to love Nymphadora Tonks with reason-he should not love her, will not love her. It will be the only issue that he is ever wrong about-love and family.
The fifth tragedy is having everything and then having it all taken from you. The war has openly begun for all the public to see at last. And Sirius Black is dead.
We all consider Harry Potter's great pain. We know he loved Sirius dearly. Not many think about Remus. Sirius was a character from Remus's childhood, his best friend, and he meant more to him than almost anything else. To be alone and friendless for so long, and then suddenly to have him back, there, a true friend who loved you beyond words. A reminder of James and better days.
And Remus had to watch him die. To watch the Killing Curse hit him, watch as he fell, laughter still evident on his gaunt face. Watch as Harry screamed. Hold him back; tell him that there was nothing he could do. Outwardly, practicality was triumphing over instinct, but inwardly, Remus probably wanted to be like Harry: to cry and scream and insist that Sirius was not gone, couldn't be gone. To chase Bellatrix screaming bloody murder at her. To do anything to have him back. Sirius Black is dead.
"It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arc...But Sirius did not reappear... 'There's nothing you can do, Harry...nothing...He's gone.' He did not believe it, he would not believe it. 'He can't come back, Harry,' said Lupin, his voice breaking as he struggled to contain Harry."
To love. To have happiness and friendship and love, all at once. And then to have it all taken away. Doubtlessly, it was with the death of Sirius Black and the opening of the war that Remus "came to his senses" and told Tonks that they could not be together.
He knew he loved her, and that she loved him. They could be happy, but he won't let them.
It's dangerous. He's too old. He's too poor. He's too dangerous. The war's too dangerous. Marriage to a werewolf is too dangerous.
He doesn't deserve her-he is old and his life is shattered. She's young and has her life before her eyes, endless possibilities. He would only hold her down. She doesn't realize what she would do to herself. It's for the best.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
In a way, it would be better if Tonks had told Remus she didn't love him. Because at least then you have a reason to be angry and to cry and to move on with your life. Internal conflict is the worst-you can't fix it. A silent battle rages inside you all the time. You struggle against yourself every day, and then, to see someone else's tears at your decision...
"Why can't you let us be?" they scream. And they're so innocent, so young; everything is so simple for them. It's not, you know. But you want it to be.
"Sometimes a great shock...an emotional upheaval...can change a Patronous."
Mind over matter.
There is a third part of this fifth tragedy. A third loss, a second death.
Professor Dumbledore is murdered in cold blood by Severus Snape.
"No!" Lupin looked wildly from Ginny to Harry, as though hoping the latter might contradict her, but when Harry did not, Lupin collapsed into a chair beside Bill's bed, his hands over his face. Harry had never seen Lupin lose control before; he felt as though he was intruding upon something private, indecent."
It is indescribable. If you have not been paying attention, if you do not understand the pain described at the death of Sirius Black, I beg you skip ahead. What follows will seem inadequate and petty. If you do, if you understand the deepest bouts of hurt, not just pain, real hurt, so deep that nothing is ever enough, that it will never end, then please read on.
Take the death of a loved one. A parent, and multiply it. Take the death of Sirius, double it, and then triple it again. Take loving and losing three times and nearly dying yourself. Take your entire life as you know it completely ending. Everything around you is falling apart. Everyone you cared about it gone. Almost.
"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times..." "And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor...too dangerous..."
To hate yourself.
To hate yourself and to hurt others along with you, and so you hate yourself more.
To think yourself not worthy of happiness.
Doomed to live a half life of misery in order to protect those you love, even if you have to hurt them.
To hate yourself.
The sixth tragedy comes after the marriage of Remus and Tonks. Once again, Remus experiences fleeting happiness, and then regret, self-hate, and misery.
"Remus!" Tonks cried as she staggered off the broom into Lupin's arms. His face was set and white: He seemed unable to speak."
"A muscle was jumping in Lupin's jaw. He nodded, but seemed unable to say anything else."
'I can't protect you always. I told you it would be hard. It's not working, but I love you.'
"No, I think you're like James, who would have regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends."
Everyone is dying. Everyone is dying and those that aren't are grouping.
Lupin married Tonks because he loved her dearly and decided that two people who love each other desperately need to be together.
But what happens when love isn't enough?
"Lupin gave him a swift smile, but as they turned away, Harry saw Lupin's face fall again into lines of misery."
"I-I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since." He glared at them so fiercely that Harry saw, for the first time ever, the shadow of the world upon his human face. "Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her; I've made her an outcast! You have only ever seen me amongst the Order. You don't know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don't you see what I've done? Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage, what parents want their only daughter to marry a werewolf? And the child-the child..." Lupin actually sized handfuls of his own hair; he looked quite deranged. "If it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred ties so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed."
To bear it all alone, to have no one to confide in, to watch yourself hurt the ones you love. They don't deserve to be hurt.
And then it changes.
"Lupin fell over the threshold. He was white-faced, wrapped in a traveling cloak, his graying hair windswept. He straightened up, looked around the room. "It's a boy! We've named him Ted, after Dora's father!"...said Lupin, who seemed dazed by his own happiness."
And to be the happiest you've ever felt.
The seventh and final tragedy is in death.
"Harry had a clear view of the bodies lying next to Fred: Remus and Tonks, pale and still and peaceful-looking, apparently asleep beneath the dark, enchanted ceiling."
Who died first?
Was it Tonks? Did Remus see her death out of the corner of his eye as he dueled for his life? Did he try to protect her, and fail? Did he yell "You shouldn't be here!"? Did she respond? Did he rush to her side and scream in rage at her death?
Or was it Remus? Did he twist to the ground, the last seconds of life fading from him, seeing her above him, screaming as tears rushed down her face? Did he die blocking her from a curse? Did he die knowing she was about to die also?
Which is the worse situation?
"I am sorry too," said Lupin. "Sorry I will never know him...But he will know why I died and I hope he will understand. I was trying to make a world in which he could live a happier life."
"You'll stay with me?"
"Until the very end."
Death suited Remus. It is not a comedy I write, it is a tragedy. There is no happy ending. Remus John Lupin is dead. Remus John Lupin is dead.
His son lives on.
It is not a comedy I am writing.
It is a tragedy.
It was in death that he found his happiness, and now we consume him in the tragedy of his life. He was not a happy man. Did you think that this musing would end happily? You were wrong, my friend.
Reflect, if you will, upon the seven tragedies.
To hate yourself.
To lose it all.
To be alone.
To know those you cared most about are gone forever, some by choice.
To hurt those you love.
To be a werewolf.
To die.
Remus John Lupin is a tragedy.