So here you are, sitting in your Pre-Ap World History class and you're working on a review for exams. Boring right? What does it cause you to do? Write of course, inspiration came for this when I was reading Loveless…
Don't ask me anything more. It makes me feel choked…
Like there's a knife to my throat. Don't ask me.
Just know. Just know.
In a world such as this, who is truly able to trust?
What can you really trust in? I can't see the whole of the matter
I can't comprehend.
And if I get it wrong, the knife at my throat will tear me in two.
What does it mean to say you believe?
I don't understand. But even if you should betray me, I will
Forgive you.
That's what knowing is.
That's what it means to believe.
- Yun Kouga, Aoyagi Ritsuka, Loveless 5
XxX
Do I believe?
Do I believe that he is with someone other then me? Do I believe that he is doing the things reserved for just the two of us with this other person? Of course.
Should I believe?
Should I believe that his hands run through maroon colored locks instead of my own blonde ones? Should I believe that his emerald eyes lock onto a pair of blue ones that aren't my own either? You bet I do.
Can I believe?
Can I believe that the name whispered from those perfect lips isn't mine but somebody else's? Can I believe that as they reach to the top of the peak, fingers that aren't mine grip at those powerful shoulders as shouts of their passion echo all over the room. Do I?
I do believe it, I believe it completely. It's all too true; I've seen it with my own eyes. Seen how he holds the other person within his strong arms in a protective embrace, just how he does with me. The exact same fashion. Seen how his eyes gaze at him in the same way he does with me.
Why does he do this? Why did he do it? Was it my fault? Did I not give him enough of my love? Was attention the problem? Was I not there for him when he needed it? These were all of the questions that I needed answers to, yet was unable to obtain them. I couldn't but I did know one thing for sure.
I believe all of this, I thought that I had done everything I could for him and given him all that I had. That's what I really had thought.
But now I know that that was just it.
Maybe I didn't. Maybe it just hadn't been enough. Maybe I wasn't good enough for him. Had I been so blind that I couldn't see that I wasn't fulfilling my job, fulfilling my position with him. Maybe that was the reason that he was doing this, thinking that I didn't know when I do. Knew all to well. But now for the real question.
Will I say anything to him? Will I bring it to his attention that I know what is going? No, why you might ask? The answer is simple enough.
Its because I believe in forgiveness, I know that he wont continue this.
That's not right either.
He might, he might just continue this for a week, two weeks or even two years. How am I supposed to know that? I can't know.
That is his choice, but I will forgive him. It's because I love him; I believe that he still loves me to. Maybe he is just afraid to love me back, afraid of something new and of something that he has never had. He's running away from it for that is the only thing that he can do, to someone who can help him and take his mind off of it.
But I believe
I do
I should
I can
I will