Okay, everyone, I'm warning you now. This story is absolute pure, unadultrated, nonsensical fluff. Be warned! You may need a good dentist after reading this. The song used in this fic is Cletus T. Judd's Where's Your Mommy? and is a parody of Toby Keith's Who's Your Daddy? Neither of which are mine. And again, I cannot stress how fluffy this is. For those of you who don't like that kind of thing, get out now. You have been warned...
Disclaimer: Not mine!
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Greg House sat in the nauseatingly pink room, rocking his eight month old baby girl to sleep.
He had never pictured himself as a husband, let alone a father. But that all changed. He looked down at the little baby in his arms. And then she came along...
She had hardly been planned. They had talked about having kids once or twice, but nothing had been officially decided. And then she had flown him down to Vegas, as a surprise for their anniversary.
He smirked. Some souvenir...
Suddenly she began screaming at the top of her lungs, and he nearly jumped out of his skin in surprise. He looked down at her. "What's wrong with you?"
She continued to scream irritably.
Confused and frustrated, he stood up and began limping around the room, humming softly. Though he would never admit it (and he had threatened his wife with torture if she told) he didn't mind singing lullabies and reading nursery rhymes. It was his daughter, after all, and she deserved the best. Unfortunately she was stuck with him for a father.
She let out a loud burp, then a second one, but continued to cry miserably.
Well, I'm sitting here rocking our cute little baby
Tell me why won't you just stop crying?
My little souvenir from Dollywood
Last Valentine's
His stress levels rising, he set her on the changing table. Grabbing a few wipes, he unfastened her diaper, cleaned her, then replaced the dirty diaper with a clean one.
"Don't even think about wetting this, you little insect," he growled.
When he was finished, he made a face as he tossed the used diaper away.
She was quiet for a few moments, but then she started bawling again.
"Oh, God..." He picked her up and settled her against his shoulder, then grabbed his cane. Very carefully, he left the nursery and went down the hall, into the kitchen. Reading the instructions his wife had left, he turned a burner on. Then with extreme care, he filled a pot full of water, then set it on the burner.
Going to the fridge, he pulled out a pre made bottle, then set it in the pot, rocking his screaming daughter as he waited impatiently for the bottle to heat up.
When he thought it was ready, he pulled it out and splashed a little on his wrist. Satisfied with the temperature, he dried the bottle and offered it to his daughter, who latched onto the rubber nipple and began sucking greedily.
He smirked and went to sit down on the couch. Stretching out, he rested the baby in the crook of his arm, relieved when she seemed content and relaxed. "You little parasite. You just wanted a bottle, didn't you?"
When she emptied the bottle, he sat up and burped her.
Everything was going just fine until she whimpered and threw up the formula she had just eaten, all over him.
He groaned and held her out in front of himself. "Jamie..."
Yeah, I burped you twice, sounded good
Did everything a father should
Read Barney and nursery rhymes
I guess your mama needs a girl's night out
Every once in a while
I put on a brand new diaper, baby
Uh uh, don't you wet it
Everything was going just fine
Till you threw up on me when I fed ya
Groaning, he set his daughter in her playpen before he went into his bedroom to change shirts. Where was his wife?
Another half hour of her screaming, and he was about to lose his mind.
Looking across the room, he spotted the phone, and he went over and picked it up. He desperately needed help. Dialing a familiar number, he waited for someone to answer.
Ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door, and he hurried to answer it. "Wilson. Thank God." He bounced his screaming daughter in his free arm as he let Wilson into the house.
Wilson couldn't help but smirk as he nodded toward the shrieking baby. "Trouble with Jamie?"
House glared at him as he set the baby in his arms. "There. Go see Uncle Jimmy."
Where's your mommy? I'm going crazy
Call up a buddy, I need a friend
Cause I'm a new dad who don't know what to do
When a tummy starts to rumbling
Your diaper's drooping, you won't stop pooping
Now I have stood all I can stand
Where's your mommy, little baby?
You've got a dummy for a dad
Wilson felt the baby's diaper and frowned. "When was the last time you changed her, House?" he demanded, heading toward the nursery.
House limped after him. "Ten minutes ago!" he protested. "How can she have anything left in there? She just threw up all over me!"
Wilson just shook his head as he set Jamie on the changing table, then changed her dirty diaper with practiced ease.
Six hours later, House was stretched out on the couch with Jamie on his chest, and Wilson was sprawled out on the carpeted floor. Jamie looked around, then rolled over, landing with a dull thud on the carpeted floor. Neither of the men stirred, and she took off on her hands and knees.
A half hour later, House stirred to the sound of Jamie's laughter. He rubbed his eyes and sat up stiffly, yawning as he looked around for his daughter.
When he finally saw her, his jaw dropped. She was covered in mud! As fast as he could manage, he stood up and hurried over to her, picking her up with a groan. "How the hell did you get covered in mud, Jamie?" he demanded, looking into eyes that were identical to his own.
She just giggled and reached out, patting a dirty, chubby hand against his bristly cheek. "Da!"
He frowned and took her into the kitchen for a bath. She seemed to enjoy it, but as soon as he lifted her out and set her on a clean towel, she began screaming again. He groaned.
Wrapping her up in the towel, he settled her against his shoulder before he set a pot of water on the stove and got a bottle out of the fridge. Then he paced around the kitchen, gently bouncing her as she continued to scream.
Finally the bottle was ready, but as he reached out for it, he burned his hand. Barely managing not to drop the baby, he cursed under his breath. "Damn it!" Turning around, he set the baby on the floor, grabbed the bottle, and dumped the pot into the sink.
Then he crouched down awkwardly and offered the bottle to the baby. But she pushed it away as her screams worsened.
"What is it?" he asked, exhausted. "What's wrong?" He checked her diaper again. "You're dry. Are you teething? What's wrong?"
She continued to sob miserably, even as he picked her up and cradled her against his chest.
He kissed the side of her head, sighing heavily. Of course she couldn't answer... and the only thing he could think to do was to keep guessing.
Wilson looked at him sympathetically, then at the watch on his wrist. "Well, I should be heading home..."
"Don't you dare!" House growled, mildly panicked.
But before he could stop him, Wilson was out the door, leaving House alone with his screaming daughter.
Her screams began to lessen, but they were still loud, so he settled her on his shoulder and patted her back. "You are so up past your bedtime, you little parasite. You know that? And daddy needs some sleep."
"Daddy can relax," a voice called from the door, and he looked up with obvious relief in his eyes.
Well, you're still up past your bedtime, baby
Ain't ya? Now I've about had it
I never knew what your mama went through
But I do know and I know I'm no good at it
Where's your mommy? I'm going crazy
How'd you get muddy? Where have you been?
It's that dang doggy door that you keep crawling through
I'll have to nail that thing shut again
You sure are screaming, you must be teething
I warmed your bottle, I burned my hand
Where's your mommy, little baby?
You've got a dummy for a dad
Cameron strolled across the floor, taking their crying child into her arms and easily calming her down. House frowned at her, then went over to the couch and collapsed.
She looked at him, amused. "Tired?"
He waved a hand. "No more girl's nights out, okay? Unless you take that parasite with you."
She laughed. "Sure, baby."
He rose stiffly to his feet, and she playfully swatted at his behind as he went past her.
As Jamie settled into her arms, she smiled down at her. "Did you have fun with daddy, honey?"
Jamie burbled and waved her hands in the air. Cameron noticed the dirt on her little hands, and she frowned. "House? Where did you take Jamie today...?"
Here comes your mommy, little baby
And your daddy sure is glad
The End
A/N: I'm pretty sure there are hundreds of dentists out there building shrines in their closets to me for causing all of these fluffy cavaties. But I hope everyone enjoyed reading this! Thanks for reading, and please remember to review!