AN: Random angsty one-shot. Dedicated to Shauna (petiteshima).
Revised: 14/05/14
It begins with a drunkard one-night stand.
Clouded judgement and vast amounts of alcohol lead to the rain woman and ice mage ending tangled up beneath the sheets in her apartment. His hands grasping hers against the sheets as she moans his name from inside the stifling, small room.
Come next morning, Gray wakes to Juvia pressed up against him, lips traced into a soft smile in slumber as she rests her head against his chest, fingers still interlocked with his.
A weight drops in his stomach.
It only gets worse from there…
.
.
She fakes sleeping as he stumbles out of the bed and leaves through the window, eyes slowing opening as the young woman remains laying there. When she finally moves, and enters the guild that morning, nothing is said of their time together. Instead, Juvia secretly treasures the night between them whilst he, in contrast, drowns in shame and guilt.
It's only one night, several weeks later after returning from a mission, that he arrives at her doorstep in the late hours. Slouched against the door frame, he lifts his head, eyes locking with hers when she opens the door in surprise.
"We need to talk, Juvia."
So they talk.
And she reassures him that it's fine. That she knows he doesn't love her; that it was simply a mistake; that she doesn't expect anything else of him in return...
And, despite their agreement, come the end of the night as a result of high emotions, the 'mistake' is done again.
.
.
He hates himself.
Every time Gray arrives at her apartment those late nights, no words said but only actions taken, he falls into further self-loathing. Each kiss, each session of tangled limbs and climaxes tearing at him from the inside.
He shouldn't be doing this.
…But he can't stop.
Juvia may have said it was fine that night, but it was clear as day the hurt and betrayal in those stormy eyes of hers as she spoke. The only obvious way to stop her from crying at the time was to kiss her… and then hold her, and then pull her closer as things span out of control once more.
She knows he doesn't love her.
But the happiness that shines from her face every night he appears is the only thing that seems to make all this guilt feel worth-while. If he's going to hurt her, he might as well try to make her happy at the same time, he reasons.
What messed up contradictions their lifestyle has become.
.
.
One morning she hears him whisper "sorry" as he leaves – because he always leaves before she's awake – and the internal flood barriers finally break.
She cries.
Over and over, again and again. Because what a mess she's gotten herself into, having the man she loves fuck her night in, night out, without meaning or devotion. As Juvia buries her face in her hands, body wracked with sobs, she wonders why she continues such a thing.
But she knows why.
She loves Gray.
So even if continuing such a charade threatens to destroy her from the inside, at least she's able to put on a pretence of happiness, to reassure Gray that she's truly happy and he needn't feel guilty.
Everything she does is for him, after all.
.
.
"We should stop this."
Months later, he arrives at her doorstep, the same time as usual every other night. But this time, before anything can happen, he speaks.
She blinks at him in return, confusion clear.
"I don't want to break your heart, Juvia."
At these words, the blue haired mage melts into a soft smile despite his intense gaze. "If it is Gray-sama, then he can do what he wishes with my heart." Moving to take one of his hands and press it against her chest, she squeezes her hand over his reassuringly. "Juvia doesn't mind."
And with those words, she leans forward to kiss him again.
…And he kisses back.
And so they continue their little charade, over and over until one of them breaks apart first.