Chapter One: The Perfect Wife
Disclaimer: Most of the dialogue in this story will be taken directly from the Mary Poppins screenplay. I do not own the rights to Mary Poppins or Harry Potter - I'm just having fun!
A bright, swan-sized bird with red and gold plumage sat on a tree branch, singing cheerfully. Suddenly, he noticed our presence, and he stopped whistling.
"Oh, it's you! Hello! You wish to see Albus Dumbledore, you say? All right, come along with me. This here is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a rather nice school, you might say. Albus's office is just down this hallway a bit. Now, this imposing statue is what first greets the eye; this is the gargoyle that guards Albus's office. His name is Binnacle."
"Good afternoon to you, Fawkes," Binnacle said.
"Good afternoon, Binnacle. I've got some parties in tow that want to see the Headmaster."
"Aye-aye, but a word of advice: storm signals are up in his office. Bit of heavy weather brewing there."
"Thank you, Binnacle. I'll keep an eye skinned. Here we are!" Fawkes told us as we step onto the moving staircase. "Workplace of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts. Hello, hello, hello, Binnacle's right. Heavy weather brewing up here, and no mistake!"
We came upon a rather strange sight – an elderly house-elf trying to prevent a woman from leaving the office. She had several bags in her hands, and it appeared that she was leaving.
"Leave her alone!" a portrait shouted at the house-elf.
"Headmaster Dippet is needing to shut up now!" the house-elf squeaked.
"Don't you be trying to stop that wretched creature from leaving! Let her go, that's what I say, and good riddance! I never liked her from the moment she set foot in the door," the portrait shot back.
"But I is getting stuck with taking care of Master Albus when there is being no future wife for Master Albus!" the house-elf squeaked indignantly. "You is not having to make Master Albus eat his greens! You is just but paint and canvas!"
"Her and her high and mighty ways! And that face of hers that would stop a coal barge! I don't know what Albus saw in her. She's not even that intelligent!" the portrait declared.
"Indeed, Headmaster Dippet! I wouldn't stay in this castle for another minute, not even if you heaped me with all the jewels in the Wizarding world!" the woman told the portrait as she moved towards the door. The house-elf ran and blocked the door from the woman.
"No, no, Missus Vance, don't go!" the house-elf cried.
"Stand away from that door!" the woman commanded.
"But what is I to say to Master Albus when he is returning and is not finding you here?" the house-elf asked her.
"It is no concern of mine. He has disregarded me for the last time!" the woman declared imperiously. "I've said my say and that's all I'll have to do from now on with this place. I've done with him – and this wretched castle – forever!"
"Well, hip, hip, hooray! Don't let Peeves catch you on the way out!" Headmaster Dippet's portrait called.
"Now, now, please, Missus Vance," the house-elf cried, stopping when singing wafted up the staircase. "Master Albus, he is returned!"
"Our daughters' daughters will adore us,
And they'll sing in grateful chorus,
'Well done, Order of the Phoenix!'"
"Good evening Emmeline, Bloomie," Aberforth Dumbledore said. "We had a very productive meeting tonight! Dedalus Diggle chained himself in front of the Minister's office! And Elphius Doge, he was almost arrested!"
"I'm glad you're back, Aberforth," Emmeline told him. "I want you to know that I've always given my all to this…"
Aberforth cut her off. "That's brilliant, Emmeline, I always knew you were won of us!"
He breaks out into song, "We're clearly soldiers in wizards' robes
And dauntless crusaders for sensible votes
Though we adore some of the Ministry,
We agree that as a group they're rather stupid!"
"Aberforth," Emmeline says impatiently.
"Cast off the shackles of yesterday!
Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
Our daughters' daughters will adore us
And they'll sing in grateful chorus
'Well done, Order of the Phoenix!'"
"Being that as it may, I do not wish to offend, but I –" Emmeline tried again.
"From Kensington to Billingsgate
One hears the restless cries!
From ev'ry corner of the land:
"Wizardkind, arise!"
Political equality and equal rights again!
Take heart! For Albus Dumbledore has been sent to Azkaban!
No more the meek and mild subservients we!
We're fighting for our rights, magically!
Never you fear!"
"Aberforth, may I have a word," she broke in, but he ignored her and continued singing, even joined by Bloomie, Armando Dippet, and Fawkes.
"So, cast off the shackles of yesterday!"
"Aberforth!" Emmeline said loudly.
"Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
Our daughters' daughters will adore us
And they'll sing in grateful chorus
'Well done! Well done!
Well done Order --!'"
"Aberforth!" she finally shouted.
"What is it, Emmeline," he said, annoyed that she interrupted him, "And where's Albus?"
"I don't know where your brother is. I never know where he is, that's the problem. I'm leaving – you can tell him that if he spent more time with me, he would not be in this situation."
"Emmeline, this is really too cruel of you. You won't even tell him yourself?" Aberforth asked her.
She snorted. "No, I will not. If he was here, I would; but he is not, so I won't. Goodbye, Aberforth." Emmeline walked out the door and rode the moving staircase down. The gargoyle stepped aside, and she came face-to-face with Albus.
"Good day, Emmeline," Albus said. "Let me help you with those bags." He placed a Feather Light charm on them, and she sniffed as she walked past him.
Albus turned his attention to the gargoyle. "How do things look today, Binnacle?"
"I shouldn't wonder if you weren't steering into a nasty piece of weather. Albus! Do you hear me?"
"Mmm, yes, very good," Albus murmured distractedly as he stepped onto the moving staircase.
"I feel a surge of deep satisfaction
Much as a king astride his noble steed
When I return from daily strife to my soon-to-be-wife,
How pleasant is the life I lead!" Albus sang.
"Albus, it's about Emmeline…" Aberforth began.
"Yes, yes, yes," Albus cut him off, then continued singing.
"I run my school precisely on schedule
At 6:01, I march through my door
My slippers, hot cocoa, and candy are due at 6:02
Consistent is the life I lead!"
"Albus, she's left you," Aberforth told him.
"Splendid, splendid," Albus snapped, before once again breaking out in song.
"It's grand to be a wizard in 1962
The Wizarding world is stable;
And the Muggle world too.
I'm the lord of my castle
The sov'reign, the liege!
I treat my subjects: house-elves, students, soon-to-be-wife
With a firm but gentle hand
Noblesse oblige!
It's 6:03 and the queen of my dominion
Is waiting at the door to see I'm adequately fed
And so I'll pat her on the head
Then join her in our bed
Ah! Lordly is the life I lead!" Albus concluded his song, then looked around the room.
"Aberforth, where is Emmeline?"
"She's not here, Albus," Aberforth said.
"Nonsense!" Albus exclaimed. "Of course she's here. Where else would she be?"
"She's left you, Albus," Aberforth told him. Albus sighed and sat down heavily in an armchair.
"Ah, well," he began. "We were not really happy together, after all. It's for the best."
"Well, I do know another woman…" Aberforth began. Albus held up a hand, stopping him midway through his sentence.
"Aberforth, let's admit that your judgement on matters such as my personal life has not been the best – after all, you have set me up with six women in the past four years, and none of them have suited me. Choosing a wife for a wizard is an important and delicate task. It requires insight, balanced judgement, and an ability to read character. Under the circumstances, I think it might be appropriate to take it upon myself to, uh, choose my wife."
"Well, Albus, obviously the way to find a proper wife is to go about it in a proper fashion. You should put an advertisement in the Daily Prophet. Take this down please: Wanted. Uh, no. Uh, required. Wife: firm, respectable, no nonsense:
A wizard's wife must be a general!
Her husband's empire lies within her hands
And so the woman that you need
to mold your future breed
Is a wife who can give commands!
A Wizard school is run with precision
A Wizard's home requires nothing less!
Tradition, discipline, and rules must be the tools
Without them - disorder!
Catastrophe! Anarchy! -
In short, we have a ghastly mess!"
"Splendid, Aberforth! Inspirational! The Daily Prophet will be so pleased!" Armando Dippet exclaimed.
"No, no, no, Aberforth – while that is quite a nice advertisement, how about something like this:
Wanted: A wife for one adorable Headmaster.
If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts!
Play games, all sort
You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Talk to me kindly, give Fawkes treats
Sing songs, like sweets
Never be cross or cruel
Never give me castor oil or gruel
Love Fawkes as a son, and you ought to
Like to wear stockings with garters
If you won't scold and dominate me
I will never give you cause to hex me
I won't hide your spectacles
So you can't see
Put toads in our bed
Or pepper in your tea
Hurry, Darling!
Many thanks
Sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore."
"Thank you, most interesting," Aberforth told him. "And now I think we've had quite enough of this nonsense," he ended.
"Now, really, Aberforth!" Fawkes exclaimed. "Albus is looking for a wife, not you!"
"I am well aware that Albus is looking for a wife, Fawkes. I only congratulate myself that I decided to step in and take a hand. 'Play games, sing songs, give treats.' Ridiculous. He's not looking for a nanny! There's no question in my mind whatsoever. Now is the time for action!" Aberforth crumpled the advertisement Albus made and threw it into the wastebasket, before walking over to the fireplace to Floo the Daily Prophet. Unnoticed by everyone, Fawkes took hold of the advertisement and hid it. When Aberforth had left and Albus had retired for the night, Fawkes extricated the advertisement from its hiding spot and disappeared in a ball of flame, reappearing in Edinburgh.
"Hello, Fawkes," a woman with dark hair said, stroking his red-and-gold plumage softly.
"Minerva, I think this will interest you," Fawkes told her, producing the crumpled advertisement. She smoothed out the paper and read it, her face lighting up in joy as she read it.
"Is it true, Fawkes?" Minerva asked him. He nodded. "Oh, thank you! I will most certainly apply." Giving him a kiss on his soft feathered head, Fawkes disappeared once more in a burst of flame. Minerva once more smoothed out the paper lovingly, and went to her room to prepare. She had quite a job ahead of her.