Okay so this is just a one shot. It's something that has been in my head for a while… I know it doesn't really make sense with the characters (at least not Bella) but I thought it would be funny and I kind of wished this was how it happened in the book… No offense to the Twihard fans! Still like the books! Please review!
Bella's Rant
I awoke with a start. I was sweaty and tired, lying in my bed, anxious and scared. What's going on? Where am I? Then it all hit me – the Volturi, all those dead people, saving Edward. Speaking of which, a cold, solid form seemed to be lying next to me on the bed.
I turned around to see Edward, looking up at me with his beautiful golden eyes. Immediately I sat up.
"Edward?" I sputtered.
"Yes, Bella? Dear?" He murmured.
My heart jumped a little at the sound of the nickname.
"Dear?" I choked. "Dear?" Then my amazement slowly melted away and my voice became angrier and sarcastic. "Did you just say dear?"
"Yes. I'm sorry, does that bother you?" His voice was kind and searching.
"Bother me?" I spat. "Bother. Me. Well, here, let me see, the last time I saw you, you dumped me. Cruelly. With a vengeance kind of cruelly. Like, no manners kind of cruelly. Like, I have no soul kind of cruelly. Like, I don't like you anymore so I'm going to cast you aside like a piece of trash and go after someone better kind of cruelly." The words spilled out of my mouth quickly and vehemently. "So what do you think? Am I supposed to come running into your arms and accept your pity? Because that is obviously why you're here. Trying to make the poor, human ex-girlfriend feel better?"
His face seemed to melt in anguish at my words. I wanted to roll my eyes so badly. You cannot just dump a girl and then pretend to care. It's just… well obnoxious. And it makes everything more confusing for everyone. Still he went on - "Bella, I'm here because I love you. I've always loved you. Don't you see? How could you ever believe I didn't –"
"Well, here, let me see… You DUMPED me for crying out loud. Why do you think? And stop lying to me. I hate it when you lie. It makes you seem pathetic." I felt a bit of guilt at these last words, both because of their cruelty and the fact that it was not true at all – he would never seem pathetic to me. But it was so obvious that what he said was a lie I almost couldn't believe it.
"I'm not lying!" he pleaded, taking my arm and looking deep into my eyes. My heart almost skipped a beat at his close look. "I left you for your own good. I thought that you would be safer, that all the vampires would leave you alone if I just left- "
"Wait, you left me for my own safety?" I screeched incredulously. What the? He could not be serious.
"Yes. I thought you would be safer without me. I wanted what was best for you – Oh, Bella, I love you so much I couldn't stand the thought of you being hurt because of me. It would simply kill me –"
"Stop." Still I stared at him. "So you're saying you dumped me in the middle of the freaking forest, of all places, told me you were better off without me," my voice started to rise as I threw my covers up and stood on my floor so I could face him, "said you didn't love me and made me feel worthless because you wanted what was best for me?"
"I thought it was what was the best for you. I was wrong. I said I love y-"
"Shut-up." I told him coldly. Still he tried to continue. "Did you hear me? SHUT UP! I was wrong. You're not cruel, you're moronic! You are an absolute and complete dunce! An idiot, an imbecile, a moron!" Then I stomped out of the room, uttering a string of curse words that even a sailor would cringe at the sound of.
"Bella, wait!" He pleaded, hopping off the bed in a second. "I'm sorry. I know, I was wrong, it's all my fault." His eyes began to water and he reached out to me hesitantly as I stomped down the stairs, looking as if he wanted to stop me but felt as if it would be wrong.
"Oh, shut up! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! I don't want to hear any of your self-torturing, martyrdom lines right now! Can you stop apologizing for just a second? It makes it hard to storm out properly!" I had reached the bottom of the stairs and grabbed my coat, my body moving as if it had a mind of its own. I was fueled by such frustration that it was all I could do not to scream as loud as my lungs could manage and call my dad on him. God only knows that if Edward came home with me last night he would have his gun loaded and ready.
"Where are you going?" He murmured, looking sorrowfully into my eyes.
"Hmmm maybe I'll go to the freaking forest. Such interesting things seem to happen there. In the middle of nowhere. Did you know I got lost in there? I was practically unconscious. Not to mention catatonic for, like, the next three months. What, was that you're idea of a clean break? Because I think it just made you sound like a jerk. How about a, I don't know, let's talk it out? Let's discuss our feelings? Or just soften it a bit, something along the lines of, 'let's take a break.' Not 'Oh, I don't love you anymore. Bye!'"
He looked at my sympathetically. "I'm sorry, you're right. I should have said something, I was wrong. I just thought you understood because you were so nice to me on the way here…"
"Well I almost died, was suffering from PTSD and hadn't slept for FOREVER. Did you know that twenty-eight hours of sleep deprivation is equal to a .1% alcohol level in clouding your head? That's above the legal limit to drive! How am I supposed to judge how to act with my vampire ex-boyfriend who just tried to kill himself? So I'm sooorrry if I fell back into your arms when I was suffering from severe trauma and practically drunk!"
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I was wrong to think that I could just come gallivanting back into your life! I'll leave you alone, I swear." Slowly my anger began to dissipate as I looked at him with pity, rolling my eyes at how dramatic he was being. Still he went on. "I'll leave this town forever and my family can take care of you, I'm so sor-"
"Nononononono. Stop now. I never said I never wanted to see you again." Again I rolled my eyes. "Can't we just work this out like a normal couple for once? Okay, so I'm going to get back together with you, then break up with you so we're even, then I'll start yelling." He nodded confusedly. "I'm probably going to wake up my dad, and he's going to come down with his shot gun and you're going to run for the hills. Then for weeks on end you will call me, beg for my forgiveness and send me flowers. I won't answer any of your calls and I'll have what I like to call a 'boyfriend probation period.' After about a month of this I'll answer you and you can grovel at my feet and wait on me hand and foot for a while because you know how lucky you are to have such a caring, forgiving girlfriend like me. Got it?"
He nodded with an odd look in his eyes. I walked up to him, lowered his face to mine and stood on my tippy toes to plant a kiss on his lips. My heart jumped at the contact, but I made it grow silent. I backed away a little, and slapped him across the face. A smack ran across the hall. Then I let him have it.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME EDWARD! YOU ARE SUCH A BONEHEAD – I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU EVER, EVER AGAIN! I HATE YOU! WE ARE SO OVER, AND DON'T BOTHER CALLING AFTER YOU BROKE MY HEART!" Then, Edward's expression still dazed, I called for my dad. "DADDY! IT'S EDWARD! HE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Immediately I heard my father rushing down the stairs. When he reached the bottom I could see him more clearly – his brown hair was ruffled and askew, blue pajamas looking ridiculous next to his large hunting gun. He cocked it menacingly, glaring at Edward.
"Get out of MY HOUSE!" He screamed. "Or I swear I will shoot you! God only knows I've wanted to do it ever since Bella brought you home!"
Edward's face went even paler than originally and he apologized profusely as he stared down the barrel of my dad's gun. "Sorry, sir. I was just leaving."
Slowly he inched his way out of the house, Charlie's gun remaining trained to him the entire time. I went to stand behind my father, smirking at Edward as I did so, in a way that Charlie could not see. Carefully, Edward opened the door and, just like a cartoon character would, ran for a while in midair before zipping across my lawn. I walked up to the door, yelling after him, "I like roses!"
Still smiling, I shut the door behind him.