Title: Life

Author: Jeep

Spoilers: Oh let's say everything, so I have all my bases covered.

Disclaimer: I don't them.

Notes: this is my first story in a very very very very long time. Thanks to Sam for being my beta.

One of the hardest things I have ever done in life, I had to do the other day. Well, it's not like he gave me much of a choice, if I had said no, he would have gone anyway. But that is beside the point. So for the record, I want to get this all down correctly.

The Wraith were upon us, in more ways than one. I now know why the ancients sunk the city. The Wraith are relentless.

I was so scared, and yes I did not want to let on to the others, that their commander was scared. But lord, there were times that my gut told me this was the end of everything. Life would be over, everything that I had done, that I hadn't done; would all just fade away into nothingness. Well, if it did come down to everything being…over…then it won't necessarily be for nothing really, earth would be saved.

But…

And I say this during the impending doom of the Wraith, I want more time. Time for things left unsaid.

It's not fair, that I have to give up what might be.

I did give up all of earth to come here, and defend earth from the unknown dangers of the universe.

All I wanted was to be happy in this state of…whatever you want to call this place.

It's funny how with everything going on, the constant threat of war, if you must. How people find each other.

So with this last threat or siege if you may of the wraith, Teyla learned of her new talent. I don't know about you but, I am glad it is her that has that special power. Not sure if I would be strong enough for that one.

Then the next head turner, John, left. He left me. At that moment as he was standing there on the stairs, I knew what I had to do, and let him go. He was asking my permission. How could he ask my permission on something like that? A suicide mission? Like I want him to die.

Because I don't.

I knew he had to go. I knew he was the one who had to fly the jumper.

But lord, I did not want him to go.

I see you twist and turn away, and it breaks me in two again. If I could, you know I would, let you go, surrender, dislocate myself from everything. Why do I feel this way? How can I feel this way?

It was hard you know, to watch you walk back up those stairs, knowing beyond everything, that I was most likely never going to see you again. But knowing that if I made you stay, and know if I asked you, you probably would have, Atlantis would no longer be here, we would no longer be here, and earth…well that's just not something I want to think about.

So I threw my lifeline, lifeless towards the wind, and saw you walk away into the night. And I felt my world slip away, walk right up those stairs with you.

As I closed my eyes, hoping, willing for everything to be alright there was this feeling that I had to pull myself together, for the others, and to get past this. There was no way I was going to let your death go.

Surrendering was not an option.

And I missed you already.

What am I going to do?

As Rodney, Carson and I watched the little blip that was John on the monitor reach the hive ship, knowing that there was no hope for him, and see the blip disappear. Rodney, mad at me for even letting him fly the jumper in the first place, was just standing there with this look on his face like he had lost his best friend, someone whom he thought could never die. When, in fact, we had all lost one of the most important people this place ever had both a military member and a friend, a brother.

I couldn't think right then, all I knew was that we had one more hive to deal with otherwise your death would have been in vain. We were going to survive, damn the wraith. It was all or nothing.

Have to think of something else, think of what is going to happen after this is over. I can mourn later; the time to fight is now.

How can I forget your face as you turned away from me and ran up the stairs? That is going to be burned into my memory forever.

And then the radio crackled and I heard your voice. Do you have any idea of how shocked, how overjoyed, how happy I was?

I am going to get that chance to tell you. I want to yell…well yell something; I am not sure what I want to yell. I was just so ecstatic.

I am not sure what we have, or what it is turning into. I know that it scares me. I have never felt this way before about anyone.

When we heard "Atlantis this is Sheppard" I think my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe, you were alive. Was I finally going to get my chance? Would I have the guts?

I still can't believe it. And for your information, I don't want to know any other Sheppard. Period.

Maybe everything was going to be okay after all?

We got a zpm, John was alive…what more could a girl want?

All of us went about trying to rid the rest of Atlantis of the Wraith and getting the shields back up. Poor Rodney, I think he is going to sleep for a week or two after this is all finished. I have caught him on several occasions with his eyes closed. I'll have to keep an extra eye on him.

I think everyone can tell there is an extra bounce, in my step now. We had to get the shield back up, that was the main concern now. Rodney had only 40 seconds to get it operational.

When we all saw that the last hive ship had been destroyed, I can't tell you how happy we all were. I turned to look for you, but remembered that you weren't here. A pang of guilt flashes through me, but then as if on queue I remember that you are still alive.

Rodney finally gets the shields up, with mere seconds. Isn't that how it always is with him? All that drama, but it worked, so that's the only thing that matters.

John was scared; he was calling us after the Daedalus had reported the darts. I could hear it in his voice, the feeling that you had just lost the one person…anyway, it might just be my feelings.

But he tells me not to scare him like that again. I don't ever want to be scared like that again. I also know that unless we return to earth, there could be a lot more situations just like what happened today.

I guess that's what you get for being in another galaxy.

So now I know, that every time he steps through that gate, that I am never going to get any sleep, may not get a lot of work done, until John and his team return safe and sound. Not that I did before, but things have changed now. At least for me.

I will have to speak with John.

I was standing in the control tower when John and a group of Marines were beamed into the gateroom. I couldn't just stand there, I had to feel him, touch him to make sure he was really there.

Basically running down the stairs, I made it to him. Just standing there, I had no clue what to say. Yes, I was speechless.

All I could do was hug him, and that's what I did. My arms went around him so tight, and he returned it. Yes, we will have to talk after this is all done.

He said we had to stop doing this to each other, and I had to agree. Thinking that the other is dead is never a good thing. I think it added five years onto me.

What would I have done if it was true, and he wasn't standing here in the middle of the gateroom with me?

I know what he did was for the good of earth as well as us here, but I wasn't prepared for the ramifications of that decision. I am still not prepared.

Do I think this knowledge is going to complicate things?

Yup sure do, but we have to do our best to do what we can, and go about our daily lives.

Will things change, god I hope so.