AN: Yo, yo, yo! Just Sunsets here. Miranda actually really doesn't know I'm writing this, so…
I'm sure many of you know the book The Fault in Our Stars, the most gorgeous masterpiece by John Green. I have been re-reading the book and anticipating the movie for about a year and a half now, and recently hearing the song "The Fault in Our Stars" by Troye Sivan and seeing the movie trailer just… did something to me. So I'm writing this.
I do not expect this to hold a candle to John Green's work of art. I just needed to write this, to... get rid of these emotions I guess.
DISCLAIMER: Roses are green,
Violets are silvery, almost a lavender kind of like Tyler Oakley's hair,
I don't own Austin and Ally OR The Fault in Our Stars (the book) OR The Fault in Our Stars (the song),
And I Don't Do Rhyming.
Nobody's Fault
Third person
"It's okay to leave," Ally smiled through her tears down at Austin, who lay in his hospital bed.
"Of course it's not okay. I don't want to leave you. I can't leave you." Austin said through gritted teeth, obviously fighting the pain that threatened to consume him.
"You can, and you have to." Ally whispered, having to make a huge effort to produce sound through her tears.
"I shouldn't have to. This is bullshit. All of it." Austin growled before wincing as the pain grew stronger.
"I know it is. You know that the only person who understand that more than me is you." Ally frowned, shaking her head. This is unfair. Not only for him, but for me. I'm going to be the one who he leaves behind. She thought angrily.
"I'll miss you more than you know." Austin murmured, quickly losing energy. "Ally… I think this might be it."
"No." Ally said, panic rising in her throat. "Not today. Out of all the days it could've happened… are you sure?"
Austin chuckled slightly, followed by several minutes in which he appeared to be in actual danger of coughing up his lungs. "I think so. It's just… When you know, you know, right?"
"I don't know… Sometimes it's hard to tell." Ally said. At this point, who was she kidding? Of course he knew. Every other time this had happened, he's always said it was a false alarm, that it wasn't his time yet. If this was the first time… It could quite possibly be the last time he ever admitted the end.
But they'd known it, hadn't they? This month in the hospital, their only time together being talking for a few of Austin's precious visiting hours, and even those had been interrupted by his family, who always meant well but could be intrusive, and nurses pumping his body with chemicals. Austin's death had loomed over them hauntingly, holding Austin in its clutches and teasing him, almost letting him die but never quite letting him, making him suffer without letting him find relief.
And, as much as Ally hated to admit it, every time he suffered like that and came back, she was glad that it hadn't been time yet. She was such a bad person that she wished that suffering on him.
"Ally… Will you tell me what you're planning to say at my funeral?" Austin spoke up.
"Sweetie… You're already pretty upset. Are you sure you can handle this?" Ally questioned, secretly hoping he'd change his mind and drop the subject.
Of course, with Austin, dropping the subject wasn't an option.
"Of course I want you to. I like to know what people are saying about me behind my back." Austin attempted to joke with a crude sense of humor.
"Not funny." Ally said seriously.
"You're right, I'm sorry." Austin rasped, reaching over and clutching one of Ally's hands. "Please… Just tell me?" And in that moment, Austin sounded so broken that Ally would have done anything to fix him, even just a little bit.
"Okay…" With that, Ally took a deep breath and began.
"Hello. My name is Ally, and I was Austin's girlfriend for the last few months of his life.
"When Austin first asked me out, I knew he was having issues. But I'd already fallen in love with him, so I still accepted. And I don't regret a single decision I made.
"Do I wish that Austin hadn't died? Of course I do. But, not to be a downer or anything, but we would've fallen apart eventually. He would've broken up with me or our parents would separate us or we would live to be a hundred together and die not being able to get up and go to the bathroom, therefore being forced to wear adult diapers and potentially drowning in our own waste. This, however, was worse, because he died when he should've still had those things to look forward to. He should've looked forward to us breaking up for some stupid reason then getting back together, and running away from our parents because they don't understand us or whatever, and going to the store and buying those adult diapers together and arguing over which brand to get.
"I think that Austin was trying to spare all of us by trying to be brave and telling us it didn't hurt. But what he didn't realize was that it was okay to do those things. It was okay to hurt us, because we all would've been hurt by him at some point. If anything, it would've made us feel better that he was able to show us that side of himself while he was dying.
"But that's okay. I forgive him. I forgive him for whatever mistakes he made or would've made. And that's what love is. Forgiving people for the stupid mistakes they make and hoping that they'll make more to learn from. I wish he could've made more mistakes then he did. But I guess that everyone has regrets, and that's mine.
"So, Austin, this is to all of the mistakes we made and didn't make. This to all the choices we made and didn't make, both good and bad. All the places we went and didn't go. All the things we wanted and didn't want to do. This, all of this, is for you. And this song is for you." Ally brushed the tears from her face and laughed breathily. "Do you mind if I sing a song?"
"Not at all." Austin breathed, captivated by Ally's words.
With that, Ally cleared her throat and, with only her voice carrying through the otherwise empty room, began to sing.
"We could just go home right now
Or maybe we could stick around
For just one more drink, oh yeah…
Get another bottle out
Let's shoot the breeze,
Sit back down
For just one more drink, oh yeah…
Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we screwed up.
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days
Have gone too fast!
So let's give 'em hell
Wish everybody well.
Here's to us.
Here's to us.
Stuck it out this far together
Put our dreams through the shredder
Let's toast cause things got better.
And everything could change like that
And all these years go by so fast
But nothing lasts forever.
Here's to us,
Here's to love,
All the times
That we messed up.
Here's to you,
Fill the glass,
Cause the last few nights
Have gone so fast!
If they give you hell
Tell 'em to screw themselves!
Here's to us.
Here's to us…
Here's to all that we kissed!
And to all that we missed!
To the biggest mistakes
That we just wouldn't trade!
To us breaking up
Without us breaking down!
To whatever's come our way…
Here's to us!
Here's to love!
All the times
That we screwed up!
Here's to you!
Fill the glass,
Cause the last few days
Have gone so fast!
So let's give 'em hell
Wish everybody well.
Here's to us!
Here's to love!
All the times
That we messed up!
Here's to you,
Fill the glass!
Cause the last few nights
Have gone so fast!
If they give you hell
Tell 'em to go screw themselves!
(Go screw themselves)
Here's to us!
Here's to us!
Here's to us!
Here's to us!
Here's to us!
Here's to love!
Here's to us (Wish everybody well)!
Here's to us!
Here's to love!
Here's to us!
Here's to us!"
Ally finished the song bravely, looking at Austin for a sign of approval.
While she was singing, she hadn't realized how sick Austin was looking. Based on his heart monitor, his heartbeat was slowing down, and he seemed to be struggling with his breathing.
"Oh my God… Austin…" Ally choked out, feeling the tears returning as she saw Austin's form.
She frantically hit the emergency nurse button above the bed, hoping to a God a nurse would come and help soon.
Austin, meanwhile, was nodding his head slowly, as if each nod took a great amount of his energy (which, Ally realized, it probably was).
"Maybe take out all the screwing references." Austin murmured.
Ally let out a strangled laugh in between sobs. "Of course that's what you'd say." She breathed heavily.
At that point a nurse and a doctor came rushing in, Austin's family following close at her heels. Ally presumed that they'd seen the nurse go in and followed.
The nurse somewhat-gently pushed her aside, her and the doctor checking all of the machines before turning back to them helplessly.
"I'm sorry… there's just nothing we can do. These drugs only work for so long. He has a few minutes before…" He trailed off, looking as helpless as Ally must've.
"What?" His mother choked out. "There must be some mistake…" She turned to Ally. "If you had told the doctors earlier, maybe they could've helped him."
"Mrs. Moon, I had no idea…" Ally pleaded.
"It wasn't her fault, mom." Austin struggled.
"Oh, sweetie…" Mrs. Moon knelt by her son's bed. As she did this, a song lyric came to Ally's mind; "Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and, life ain't always what you think it oughta be, no; ain't even gray but she buries her baby." *2 And Ally finally realized Mrs. Moon's pain. Here she was, barely growing gray hairs, and she was watching her only child die.
"Ally… The song I wrote… I want you to sing it for me while I die." Austin said, his voice barely audible.
"Son, don't say that. You're not dying." Mr. Moon said, clearly in denial.
"I'm not stupid, dad. I know what's happening." Austin closed his eyes. "Please sing it, Ally."
"If you're sure that's what you want…" Ally took a deep breath and, with an unsteady voice, began singing the song Austin asked her to sing for him while he was dying. She had memorized it the day he gave it to her (when he'd first gotten to the hospital, almost a month ago today), and had no trouble bringing it into her mind.
"The weight
Of a simple human emotion,
Weighs me down
More than the tank ever did.
The pain,
It's determined and demanding
To ache, but I'm okay..."
But he wasn't okay. He was dying, for God's sake. He was as far as you get from okay.
"And I don't want to let this go,
I don't want to lose control,
I just want to see the stars with you.
And I don't want to say goodbye,
Someone tell me why
I just want to see the stars with you."
Ally did want to see the stars again with him. She wanted it to be like it was before he got to the hospital, when they used to lie in my backyard and lose themselves among the endless stars. She knew that that was a hopeless wish. He was dying, and he hadn't even been outside for a month. He was never going to get outside again.
"You lost, a part of your existence
In the war, against yourself."
It was, though. It was just a war that his body had engaged in against his will.
"Oh, the lights,
They light up in lights of sadness
Telling you, it's time to go."
Maybe it was his time to go, but it shouldn't have been. He should've had more time. Every one should've. It's not fair. Who said life was fair, though?
"And I don't want to let this go,
I don't want to lose control,
I just want to see the stars with you.
And I don't want to say goodbye,
Someone tell me why,
I just want to see the stars with you."
His breath was slowing down, but Ally could still feel his hand gripping hers. How long had they been holding each other's hands? Ally didn't want to let go, though. She was terrified that, if she did, he would fade right out of existence, like he'd never been there.
"Don't give it up just yet stay grand
For one more minute, don't give it up just yet
Stay grand…
Don't give it up just yet stay grand
For one more minute, don't give it up just yet
Stay grand…
Don't give it up just yet stay grand
For one more minute, don't give it up just yet
Stay grand…"
When she'd met him, he'd been so goofy and loud and funny. Nothing like the pale, quiet boy in front of her whose breath was slowing down more and more by the minute.
"(I don't want to let) And I don't want to let this go,
(I don't want to lose) I don't want to lose control,
(And I just want to see) I just want to see the stars (the stars with you) with you.
And I don't want to say (don't want to say) goodbye,
Someone tell me why (tell me why),
I just want to see the stars (the stars with you) with you…"
Ally suddenly had the crazy wish that he had died at night instead of in the middle of the day, so they could've gone outside and seen the stars once more. She didn't know how she'd ever look at the stars again without him. She'd probably burst into tears whenever she saw them…
"With you…" *3
His pulse was slow, so slow…
"Thank all of you," he murmured, "For everything. I love you all." With that, Austin slipped away, and his hand fell out of hers.
And that's when Ally's world came crashing down.
*1: This song ("Here's to Us") is Halestorms, not mine. It's been going through my head all stinking day.
*2: This is a reference from The Band Perry's "If I Die Young."
*3: Again, don't own this song. For your information, this song is by the amazing Troye Sivan, and it's titled, "The Fault in our Stars." It's currently one of my favorite songs, so you should check it out.
Sorry about the clichés. Like I said, it's just to get rid of the stupid feels. If you hate it, it's totally understandable.
So… yeah.
-Sunsets