AUTHOR'S NOTE:

FIC SQUICK FUN was an idea by Luvscharlie (on the HP_PORN IN THE SUN Livejournal site) where you mention the thing(s) that bug you about fanfic and then someone spoofs them in a short ficlet (under 1000 words).

THE CHALLENGE I ANSWERED THIS TIME: teenage_hustler's fic squick to be cracked open required…

- Mary-Sue Hermione. I mean, like, dead-straight long brown hair with blonde highlights, tanned skin, ginormous knockers, sluttiness, navel-piercing, TIGHT school uniform, the works.

Hope you enjoy! Please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own "Harry Potter," nor any of its characters, nor do I profit in any way from the use of said characters and situations in this writing.

Characters: Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Minerva McGonagall

Genres: Comedy

Rating: PG-13 (profanity)

FIC SQUICK FUN: NOTHING BUT A MARY-SUE

By: RZZMG

Stuart Phillips chemically-straightened hair with ridiculously expensive two-toned highlights: check.

Pre-requisite Jesse Nesse-inspired butterfly-above-the-arse tattoo: check.

De Beers diamond-studded belly piercing: check.

Givaudan personally-matched perfume: check

Vogue Brazilian tan and matching-named bikini wax: check, and double check.

Tightest and shortest uniform robes this side of Saturn (and to fly with school regulations!): check

Ah, it was good to be a goddess!

And, yeah, there was no question: Hermione Granger was a diety amongst witches. She knew it. Her parents knew it. Harry and Ron even knew it. Everyone knew it. Everyone worshipped her appropriately, too... well, everyone except for him.

"Slagging about the corridors for frosh meat, Granger?"

"Grow a dick, Malfoy."

Slytherin's Prince smirked and sauntered over to hover at her shoulder. "So, who lit the fuse in your tampon today, pet?"

"Get fucked," she snarled.

Why, oh, why couldn't he see how abso-fab she was? Gods, was the boy that BLIND? Seriously, check out these Triple D's she was sporting! She'd gotten them specifically done this summer in anticipation of entering her Seventh Year! Every guy in school wanted to shag her now - and that wain't no braggin'.

"You volunteering to ride this pureblood, purple-headed wonder muscle?" He grabbed his crotch in a lewd manner and laughed. "Sorry, but I'm not into STD this year. It's a bad color for me."

She flipped a bitch and got all up in his grill. "I'd rather sit for a series of rabies boosters."

He leaned forward until their noses touched. "Got a better idea, Mudblood: how about you sit and take a spin on my..."

"MR. MALFOY!"

Hermione smirked, sat back on her heels and folded her arms under the tremendous shelf of artificial flesh stretching her tight tee to bursting. Now the little prick was in for it; McGonagall always took her side.

The Deputy Headmistress stormed over. "Ten points from Slytherin for speaking such foul innuendo in public. Now, move along."

Slytherin's 'Sex God' shot her a nasty look before moving off, and Hermione internally gloated. See, I'm totally the shite, so take a good whiff, ferret-boy.

"And you," McGonagall did a sweeping glance up and down Hermione's form. "Tell your dim-witted authoress to read the bloody books the next time she gives you a make-over! You look and sound like a two-bit hedge whore!"

As she stormed off, the gathered assembly nearby snickered. Some even laughed before walking off, shaking their heads.

Hermione gaped. She'd just received what amounted to 'the people's elbow' to the gut - slapped down by an old maid. Defeated, she moved to the nearest window, preparing to throw herself off. There wasn't anything left to live for. She'd been ruined by cheap clichés.

It was true: she was nothing but a Mary-Sue, after all.