Things Mario and Co. would never say or do.

Note, if you read this before you may have noticed that it has now been censored/ changed so all of the really bad swearwords are not see able. This is so it would be suitable for a PG-13 audience and would therefore actually be read by people.

I would like to thank Benjamin T. Kitsune for giving me the idea for this and apologise for copying it without asking. Also I would like to apologise for the mindless swearing about halfway through this fanfic. I would also like to thank my sister for giving me the ideas for some of the things that would never happen.

Toad: Mario! Bowser has kidnapped Peach!

Mario: Again? I can't be bothered! Get Luigi to sort it out!

Luigi: What! No way! She's your girlfriend!

*Wario and Waluigi enter.*

Waluigi: Toad is there a problem?

Toad: Not that you'll be bothered but Bowser has kidnapped Peach.

Wario: Vile dog! What cheek has he for even considering the imprisonment of our fair princess!

Toad: No I didn't think you'd be both… *He realises what Wario has just said.* YOU WHAT!?!

Waluigi: Let us go, dear brother, to rescue yonder maiden from the clutches of that evil swine that calls himself Bowser!

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Peach: Thank you for rescuing me Mario. I'll have to do something special for you!

Mario: O.K I'll have one of those "death be chocolate" cakes with masses of cream and…

Peach: (giggles) No Mario, I mean something really special for you.

*She stands on a table and starts dancing seductively while taking her clothes off one by one.*

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Luigi: D'you know why I like Mario so much? It's because he is so much better than me at everything! I never have to do any work or get credit for any adventures! It's great! I love him so much!!!

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Daisy: Mario is taking me out on a date tonight.

Peach: Ha! He probably just wants to tell you to leave him alone!

Daisy: Why would he want to do that?

Peach: Everyone knows he likes me the most!

Daisy: Only because you're so desperate that you jump on tables and take all your clothes off!

Peach: How did you find out about that you b****!

Daisy: W****!

Peach: S***!

Daisy: Slapper!

Peach: Cow!

Etc, etc…

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Baby Mario: Toad, What's sex?

Toad: Go into Mario's bedroom around midnight and you'll find out!

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*It is the end of Banjo-Tooie.*

Banjo: This skull is starting to hurt my foot!

*Mario and Luigi enter holding Kirby who is tied up and gagged.*

Luigi: Hey Banjo! Try using this instead!

Mario: He doesn't hurt as much!

Banjo: O.K.

*He throws Grunty's skull off the roof as they start using Kirby as a football. It lands on the floor and smashes.*

Grunty: (Just before smashing) You B*******! Wait till Banjo-Threeie!

*********

*Daisy and Peach are still arguing. Waluigi is watching them.*

Daisy: Hussy!

Peach: Hooker!

Daisy: Dog!

Peach: Fatty!

Daisy: Prostitute!

Waluigi: (Getting over excited.) Lesbians!

*They glare at him.*

Waluigi: (Nervously) Just thought I'd join in…

Daisy: I'll hold. You kill.

Waluigi: Oh s***! *He runs away.*

*********

*Mario and co. are having a party.*

Wario: So who is the best out of all of us?

Mario: Well that's obvious…

Toad: (Under his breath) Oh no, not again!

Mario: It's Luigi!

Luigi: What! Of course it isn't me! It's Waluigi!

Waluigi: No! It's Wario!

Wario: Not a chance! It's Peach!

Peach: You're joking! The only thing I'm good at is being kidnapped. It's got to be Daisy!

Daisy: No! It's that cute little Yoshi!

Yoshi: No, it's Donkey Kong!

Donkey Kong: No, It's Mario!

*Toad stares in amazement as the debate goes round in circles.*

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Toad: Luigi! Mario has been kidnapped by Bowser!

Luigi: At last! I get to go on an adventure!

Peach: Don't get over excited boys…

*She is dressed like Lara Croft and is holding a small pistol.

Peach: I'll handle it. *She walks past them and out the castle.*

Luigi: Why doesn't the stupid idiot ever do that when she's the one who's been kidnapped!

Toad: That's women for you!

*********

*Daisy, Peach, Maple, Plum and Birdo are having a slumber party. They are all in practically see through nightgowns. Wario and Waluigi are watching through a peephole in Wario's bedroom.*

Wario: I wish I had a camcorder!

Waluigi: Lets ask Luigi for his. *Before Wario can stop him he calls Luigi into the room.* Hey Luigi can we borrow your camcorder.

Luigi: Why do you want it? And why they hell has Wario got his eye plastered to the wall? *He realises what Wario is doing.* Ew! That is sick! I'm gonna tell them what your doing!

*He walks into slumber party without knocking just as Peach is changing her clothes.*

Daisy: Luigi you perv! Get out! *She slaps him*

Luigi: Ow! That hurt you stupid moron!

Daisy: Loser!

Luigi: Slut!

Daisy: G**!

Luigi: Slapper!

Daisy: @$$wipe!

Etc, etc

*********

*Mario and Luigi are watching "back to the future".*

Luigi: Hey, Mario wouldn't it be cool if we built a time machine and stopped Bowser from existing?

Toad 1: (From behind them.) Don't! You screw up most of time and space!

Mario: How would you know, shorty?

Toad 1: Because I am from the future!

Luigi: Prove it!

*Toad 2 enters the room*

Toad 2: Hey Mario, Peach told me to bring up some popcorn for you. *He sees Toad 1.* Oh my God! *He has a heart attack and dies.*

Toad 1: Oh damn! That wasn't supposed to happen!

*Suddenly there is a bright flash and Toad 3 appears.*

Toad 3: Hey self. I'm here to tell you not to go back to warn Mario and Luigi 'cos you end up giving our past self a heart attack!

*Toad 1 looks at Toad 3 for a brief second before having a heart attack and dying.*

Toad 3: Oh damn! That wasn't supposed to happen! I must have set the time machine wrong. Hey if I just killed my past sell won't that mean that I never exist? *He realises that he is starting to fade away.* Oh bugger! I'll take that as a yes. *He fades completely*

Mario: He can talk! Telling us not to build our time machine. He should listen to his own advice!

Luigi: D'you wanna go build one?

Mario: Yeah O.K

*Toad screams and wakes up. It was a nightmare.*

Toad: Thank God for that. It was all a dream.

*He tries to get back to sleep, but he can't because there is a series of loud noises coming from downstairs. He goes to find out what they are and finds Mario and Luigi building something.*

Toad: What the hell are you doing?

Mario: We're building a time machine so we can go back and stop Bowser from existing.

Toad: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! *He runs away*

(Just in case you got confused there. Toad 1 is from the future, Toad 2 is from the present and Toad 3 is from further into the future.)

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That's all the ideas I could think of! Please Review and tell me what you thought of it. JJJJJ