Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is owned by CBS. I own nothing but my imagination.
The April Fool-Chapter 1
* * This story is part of the 'Rossi Family' universe and it takes place in the year between 'An Unconventional Family' and 'Happily Ever After?' * *
~Okay, I have no business starting another story since I have a HUGE paper due on Friday and I'm leaving for vacation on Saturday, but I couldn't resist. The rest of this story is pretty much written, so there shouldn't be too long of a wait between chapters.
~This was written for the April Fool's challenge on the CCOAC forum.
Looking back on it, David Rossi was able to pinpoint the exact time and place where everything went wrong. In retrospect, he knew he shouldn't have issued the ultimatum, he should have known Abby would take it as a challenge. Who knew that sitting in his kitchen, talking to his daughter and wife one evening would lead to such a horrible and stressful day?
March 26…
"I can't believe there's only a week left of March," JJ remarked as she, her husband and their teenage daughter ate supper.
"I know! It feels like we just got done with winter and now April is staring us in the eye," Abby agreed as she took a bite of her grilled chicken.
"Speaking of which," Dave said, setting down his fork and knife, "You two got me good last year with Abby's fake boyfriend, but don't expect me to fall for your April Fool's tricks this year."
"Us?" Abby asked innocently, "Why would you think we'd pull any pranks on you this year?"
He snorted, "Why wouldn't I think that? Seriously though, I am NOT a fan of April Fool's day, so I expect there won't be shenanigans this year."
Abby, who wasn't a huge fan of the day herself, was just about to agree with her father, when he opened his mouth again. "Besides, many people have tried to get April Fool's tricks over on David Rossi, but few of them have succeeded. I don't want to see you waste your time on things that won't work on me."
Maybe it was the condescending smile he wore, or his arrogant attitude, but suddenly Abby was filled with the desire to pull as many pranks on him as she could in the day and her mind frantically began thinking of the various practical jokes she could pull. On the outside, though, she looked calm and agreeable.
"Okay dad," she agreed. "I wouldn't want to waste my time." While it wasn't an outright promise to not do anything, her dad fell for her reassurance and went back to eating his dinner.
JJ, on the other hand, had known their daughter much longer than her husband had and she could see the mischievous glint in her eye. Also having heard her husband's arrogance, she didn't say anything and decided to let the scenario play out.
April 1…
Dave awoke from his pleasant slumber to a loud and ungodly noise. Sitting bolt upright in bed, he looked around for the source of the noise, or what his daughter would call 'music,' but couldn't find it. Glancing across the bed, he saw that his wife's clock read 630am and seeing that it was his normal time to get up, he assumed the commotion was coming from his clock radio, but he couldn't find it anywhere. After frantically searching the room for a minute, he found the item on the bookshelf across the room. Turning off the hip-hop station the alarm was set to, he unplugged the clock and set it down on his nightstand. 'Okay,' he thought, 'She got me…she got me good.' Wearing a small smile, he got up and headed for the bathroom, thinking the worst was over.
Once in the large master bathroom, he made his way to the toilet to take care of business. Still somewhat bleary eyed with sleep, he lifted the lid but not the seat, which drove his wife insane, and began to relieve himself. He quickly woke up when he saw that his aim wasn't exactly going into the bowl; instead, it was splashing all over the seat and the surrounding floor. Fully awake now and unable to stop mid-stream (who could so early in the morning?) he looked closer at the commode and saw that a layer of saran wrap had been laid across the bowl underneath the toilet seat. Finally able to stop the stream, he shook his head at falling for one of the oldest jokes in the book.
Grabbing a large amount of toilet paper, he sopped up the mess on and around the toilet, carefully removed the saran wrap and finished taking care of business. Once he was done, he moved to the bathroom sink to wash his hands, but as soon as he turned the faucet on, water sprayed everywhere. "What the fuck?" He yelled as he quickly turned the water off, but the damage had been done. Not only was there water all over the counter, but he was also fairly wet. Shaking his head, he examined the water spigot and found a piece of duct tape strategically covering the opening so that it would spray its unexpecting victim.
"Christ," he muttered as he removed the tape. Looking forward to a hot shower, he quickly stripped and made his way over to the large stall. As he waited for the water to heat up, he admitted to himself that he had to give Abby credit; the pranks had been mild and creative, yet he had fallen for them. He was fairly sure the prankster was his daughter, but since his he hadn't heard his wife yell out in displeasure when she used the bathroom earlier that morning, he couldn't rule her out as the culprit either.
He was hesitant as he stepped into the shower stall, but it seemed to be working fine and there was no dye in the showerhead, which was a prank he had pulled on is sisters many years ago. Seeing that everything seemed to be in working order, he fully stepped under the hot spray, pulled the door shut and let the water relax him. He stayed relaxed until he tried picking up his shampoo bottle. It was a regular sized bottle, unlike his wife's huge bottle which came with a nice pump, and he kept it at eye level on a tile shelf he'd had installed in the shower stall. When he went to pick it up, the damn thing wouldn't move. He tried again, putting all of his might behind it, but the bottle was stuck there. Finally, in desperation, he used his wife's girly smelling shampoo and felt like wuss the entire time.
After the shampoo bottle fiasco, which he now saw was caulked onto the shelf, Dave picked up his bar of Irish Spring soap and began rubbing it around on his washcloth, but the goddamn thing wouldn't work up a lather! Frowning, he rubbed the soap between his hands to see if that did anything, but it didn't. As he held the soap, he could tell that something was wrong with it…there was some kind of coating on it. Slamming it down on the ground (where he swore he heard it crack), he picked up his wife's flowery smelling shower gel and used that instead. He knew he would smell pretty for the entire day, but he had no other choice.
Once he was done with his shower from hell, he stepped out, wrapped a towel around his waist and began his morning routine. After towel drying his hair, he grabbed his razor (after checking it over first) and began to shave. Once he was finished with that, he trimmed his goatee and reached for his aftershave. He splashed some of the liquid onto his hands and began patting them onto his hands and neck. As he did so, the scent of his wife's perfume filled the air. Confused, he picked up the aftershave bottle and got a whiff of its contents.
"God dammit!" He swore; his daughter had filled his aftershave bottle with JJ's perfume and he had just put it all over himself. Now he really would smell like her all day since he didn't have time for another shower…not that he would be able to use his own toiletries even if he did! As pissed as he was, he had to admit that Abby had gotten creative in her pranks, but he needed to nip this in the bud before it went too far.
It took him longer to get dressed, as he insisted on inspecting every piece of clothing before he put it on, but he finally finished and made his way down to the first floor and into the large kitchen, where he found his daughter eating her diabetes inducing cereal and reading the newspaper, all the while trying to keep an innocent look on her face.
"Morning dad," she said, not looking up at him. He wasn't sure if it was because he would figure out she was the one behind all of the practical jokes, or if it was because she was afraid she would burst into giggles.
"Morning Abby," he replied and watched her while she ate. She quickly finished her cereal, got up and put the bowl in the sink and then picked up her book bag.
"You're leaving awfully early," he remarked dryly as he watched her try to avoid his eye.
"Yeah, I have to work on a couple of things before school. I think mom left already," she said, looking at the table.
Dave nodded, "She had an early press conference this morning and she wanted to get to the BAU to go over the case beforehand."
"Okay, well I should be home at my normal time tonight," she said nonchalantly and then headed for the front door. She took exactly one step before her father's voice stopped her.
"It ends now, Abby," he said firmly.
She turned to face him, "What are you talking about?" She asked, trying to sound innocent.
"The practical jokes," he told her in a warning tone. "You got me good this morning, but I don't want to have to be constantly looking over my shoulder today, so the pranks end now. Capicse?"
Abby nodded agreeably, "Sure dad, whatever you say; the jokes end now."
He almost believed her, but this time he caught the maniacal glint in her eye and he knew the day of pranks had just started.
A/N 2: If you're interested, the 'fake boyfriend' practical joke that Dave mentioned can be found in 'An Unconventional Family,' chapters 26-28.