You and I
The first of September is an important anniversary for me and it's been 20 years today, so this fanfiction means a lot to me.
Some things just,
some things just make sense
And one of those is you and I
("Still into You" - Paramore)
It was these moments, when she truly knew she belonged to him. It wasn't being alone with him per se or even having sex with him.
It was the moments when he was so gentle that no one would ever believe he was a notorious killer. It was the soft look in his eyes, the sigh of her name and the caressing of her skin in such a soft manner that she could forget all about the months spent in Belle Reves. The months without him.
"Harley", he sighed beside her, "I love you."
She smiled, closing her eyes and leaning her head on his naked chest. They had left the bear-rug a while ago and were now in the large bed in the bed room.
"I love you too, Puddin'. Thank you for getting me out."
He laughed softly. Not his maniac laughter, but the gentle one he kept for moments like this. The one he kept for her.
"Of course."
Harley sighed once more and could feel she was close to falling asleep. This was perfection. Only her Joker could turn breaking out of a high security prison into the most romantic day of her life. They hadn't talked much. He didn't know what she had been through during her time in prison and she wondered how his life had been, while she had been gone.
But now wasn't the time for talking. Now was the time for being together.
She had never experienced this before. Harley could spend hours with him, without talking. Mainly because he didn't like her talking that much anyway.
"Harley?"
"Hmm?"
"You're hot."
Now she was the one to laugh: "You too, handsome."
"No", he growled now, "I mean it. It's too warm."
He pushed her away from him and turned around, so his back was facing her. She did the same and was surprised to find tears burning in her eyes. They weren't usually a cuddling couple. In fact it was normal for them to sleep at oposite sides of the large bed. But she was Harley Quinn and she would never admit that she wanted, no that she needed to be close to him in this particular night. She wiped her tears away, listened to his steady breathing and fell into a restless sleep.
"Puddin'! You got all dressed up for me?"
"You know I'd do anything for you. By the way… I've got some grape soda on ice, and a bear skin rug waitin'."
"Yeah?"
"Boss, we got a problem."
"This bird is baked. Okay, honey. Its me and you."
"Lets do it."
Harley shot up in bed gasping for breath. She could still feel the cold air around her, as she fell from the plane and the sinking feeling of realising the plane had crashed and her Puddin' had been inside. She saw the flames in front of her and felt that horrible feeling once again. He was gone.
The young woman ran her hand through her blonde hair, pushing it out of her sweaty forehead and looked to her left. The Joker was sleeping peacefully, breathing evenly and calmly. He hadn't even stirred during her nightmare.
Harley slid out of bed, careful not to disturb him and went back to the main room, where their clothes were strewn across the floor. She slid his shirt over her naked shoulders and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
The cabin was their special getaway place for occasions like this, where they could be alone, without any henchmen, enemies and without the bat.
But Harley had difficulties being alone. She knew that now. Too many things had happened. She has spend too much time alone in that cell, too much time thinking he had been gone for real. When she tried to be alone she was hunted by her own thoughts.
She filled her glass with water and stood at the large window, looking out at the stars as a sob rose in her throat.
Immediately after the crash things had been easy. There had been a group of people, who needed her and as task that had needed to be fulfilled. Then just for a second she had thought she could live in freedom, could drive away with Deadshot and start again, somehow. At least she wouldn't have been alone.
And then she'd been back in prison, distracting herself with novels, getting lost in time, because time didn't matter there. She didn't have to think about who she was.
The tears streamed down her face, as she tried to calm herself. It had been years since she had last cried like this. Really cried. The last time had been before her transformation into Harley. She had still been Harleen then. And yet here she was bawling her eyes out.
Harley knew what the Joker thought of tears. She thought the same thing. They were a sign of weakness. And also useless. What was the point of crying about something that couldn't be changed, when one could also laugh about something that couldn't be changed? It's not like it really made a difference.
"Harley?"
She flinched. She hadn't heard him come inside. Harley took a deep breath and wiped her tears away with her free hand. The other was shaking slightly.
"Hey Puddin'! Couldn't sleep without me, could ya?" She wasn't ready to turn around just yet.
"What are you doing?" He didn't sound amused.
"I was thirsty", she said matter-of-factly. To prove this point and in a last attempt to calm herself she drank a sip. She set the glass aside set a smile upon her face and turned around to him. There he stood, bare chested showing of all his tattoos and his body.
"Let's go back to bed, J."
Harley wanted to walk past him, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back:
"Harley!" He hissed in her ear, "What are you doing?"
"I..." It was impossible to stop her tears. Now that she had started to cry she felt like she'd never be able to stop again, "I had a bad dream."
The impatience was written all over his face and Harley began to realise that the only way out of this situation was to actually tell him the truth. But just as the two weren't a cuddling couple, they also weren't a talking couple. He seemed to have come to the same conclusion, the hard impatient look was still in his eyes, but he let go of her.
"I...I thought you were dead. You were gone and I was alone and I thought you were dead!" The tears came quicker now and she fell forward against him with a sob, "Puddin'!"
His arms encircled her and he held her tightly without saying a word, while she cried in his arms.
"Harl", he sounded utterly confused, "Why on earth are you crying?"
"I thought you were dead!" She stepped back looking up at him with a tear stained face.
"But I'm not."
Harley rolled her eyes. It wasn't like she knew why she was crying or as if any of these emotions were under her control. The king and queen of Gotham stood before each other wordlessly, one of them sobbing, the other so helpless it looked like a funny act the two had prepared.
"I don't know who I am without you!" The pretty girl blurted out, "You were gone and I just...I can't live without you, Puddin'. Not now, not ever – we belong together. I just...I was so scared that-" She interrupted herself now and it was as if she had suddenly regained control over herself again. She stepped back, took a deep breath and said: "You're right. You're not dead. Everything is fine, let's go to bed."
"What were you scared of?" He stopped her again, this time his grip was tighter, his voice tenser and she finally said what had been on her mind all along:
"I was scared of becoming Harleen Quinzel again."
A smile spread across his face, but it was hard for her to say whether it was an evil one or not. He let go of her wrist and raised his hand. She closed her eyes, ready for the blow and was surprised when he cupped her cheek in his hand.
"Would that be so bad?" He whispered into her ear, "Harleen Quinzel was pretty...amazing, don't you think?"
Her eyes flew open in surprise: "Do you really think so?"
"Well I didn't kill her, did I?" The Joker grinned now.
"No", she realised quietly, averting his eyes.
"She's part of you. Harleen made you who you are today. Don't ever forget that." He stroked cheek with his thumb, getting rid of the last of her tears "You promised me you'd live for me, Harley. And you would have. We both know it."
"Don't ever leave me!" She cried wrapping her hands around his neck tightly, "Please!"
The Joker was confused by her behaviour. Harley had always been ecstatic – she was completely crazy, just like him. But this was new. This...weakness. But she had just come out of that hole of a prison. Although she had seemed cosy in her cell, when he'd gotten her out he knew the place had changed her.
"Let's go to bed, Baby." He took hold of her hand and led her back to their bed. Once there she had stopped crying. The Joker pulled her into his arms, despite his earlier protests and pulled the blanket over their two bodies.
"Do you really think Harleen was amazing?"
"She had potential", he muttered in the darkness, running his hand over her hair, "And I brought that potential out of her and you were born. And you are perfect."
There was no reply and he stopped stroking her hair: "Harley?"
She had fallen asleep and after a few moments the infamous clown followed her into a dreamless and peaceful sleep.
When Harley woke up the next morning she was sweating and covered in warmth. She wasn't used to it and it was too much. A tired moan escaped her lips as she opened her eyes. Her Puddin' was still fast asleep and as she saw him she smiled. He had held her all night. He'd never done that before.
She reached up to touch his face and he awoke immediately with a sudden jerk.
"Wh..what?!"
Harley giggled at his being startled and moved away from him sighing dramatically, "Puddin' you're hot!"
The Joker groaned sleepily: "You drive me crazy, you know that?"
She laughed: "That's just the way you like it."
He didn't answer and she rolled onto her back staring up at the celling and recalling the events from last night. The two of them were far from normal, were far from sane, but together they worked and in their own way they moved forward. No matter how long they were separated they would be ok, she knew that.
And she also knew that Harleen Quinzel was a part of her. She wasn't a part Harley needed to be afraid of any more. She was a part to be proud of. To be embraced.
"Puddin'?"
"I'm sleeping, Harley."
She turned her head to look at him, "Let's have a party tonight. A big one."
"Fine."
"And then we'll figure out how to get my friends out of prison", she yawned, "they're great you'll like them."
She had thought he was dead and she had survived. It all made sense to her now. She had survived because Harleen Quinzel had promised she would live for him. Maybe all this time the doctor had been the stronger one after all.
She moved closer to the Joker, lifting his arm and snuggling close to him.
"Harley, I swear to-"
"Psst", she interrupted, "let's just sleep."
Harley didn't know who she was without the Joker. But that was ok. She didn't need to know. They had enough time to figure it out and if this ordeal had taught her anything, then it was that Dr. Harleen Quinzel was still alive and that was perhaps the best thing for Harley and her Joker.
A/N: I'll admit: It was only after Suicide Squad that I became intrigued with Joker&Harley. This is my first fan fiction about the two, I can't wait to hear what you have to say, please review :)