A/N: This is a glimpse into Bella's state of mind after Edward leaves her in the forest in Healing Chances, or at least my interpretation of it. She may be slightly OOC, but this is a fanfiction, so I'm thinking that's allowed sometimes
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series or the characters. I can only wish.
Numb. Overwhelming numbness. But also an overwhelming sense of pain, rejection, and worthlessness courses through me. I stumble blindly through the forest, tripping over the littlest twigs and leaves in my haste to find Edward. He can't have left. He promised to never leave me back in that hospital in Phoenix. Why would he leave after promising he wouldn't? It just doesn't make sense.
It's getting cold. So cold, the chill is unforgiving. Darkness is falling. Night is approaching, as if time hadn't stopped in the world. But for me, it did. Time stopped the second that he left. There is a huge, ragged hole tearing its way through my chest. The air seems thick, and the coldness of it doesn't help either. I can't breathe.
Edward. I mumble his name to myself, like it's a mantra that will somehow bring him back. But he isn't coming back. He promised I would never see him again. But he broke his promise that he made to me in Phoenix to never leave me, so maybe he would break this one too. Maybe this is just a test. Maybe I have to prove my love, my worth to him. Maybe he is still around me, hidden in the forest, waiting to see if I pass the test.
But I know. Deep down I know that this isn't just a test. That this is the one promise that he will not break. He refused to change me. Saving my soul was an excuse. Maybe he really didn't want an eternity with me. Maybe I was just a novelty for the whole family, and now they were bored with me. Maybe they never really cared at all.
I collapsed after tripping yet again as the reality of the situation finally caught up with me and sunk in. They were gone. My family… or now just his family…were gone. I didn't even warrant a goodbye. Did I truly matter so little to them? Was I really just a toy, just a distraction like Edward said?
I curled into a ball and let out a sob as I remembered his words,
"We're leaving Bella."
And then,
"I don't want you to come. You're not good for me. I'm tired of pretending. Time heals all wounds for humans, for your kind. As for me, I'm easily distracted."
Each word felt like a knife running through me. He didn't want me. I was a distraction that he let go on too long. I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't worthy of his love. Oh, if only he knew how well I knew that. He was a perfect being. I was flawed. Compared to him, I was nothing. I understood too well that he could do better, but I was selfish enough to be glad that he was with me, to want him still. And now he wasn't.
I lost all sense of time as I lay there on the damp ground. How long have I been laying here? How late is it? I don't truly notice the cold seeping into my bones, nor did I care. My senses barely pick up the snuffles and the soft padding on the ground that I feel. I barely register being picked up and carried through the forest, my body shivering as I am held next to the body heat of the one carrying me. I vaguely figure out by the skin tone that he must be one of the Quileute trackers.
He steps out of the forest with me in his arms, and hands me to Charlie, who struggles to support my weight. A small part of me realizes how worried he was. But at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to really care. My love was gone. He had ripped out my heart and took it with him.
Suddenly there are too many people making too much noise. I just want to curl up, and sink further into the numb stupor. I don't want to feel anymore; it hurts too much.
I make my excuses and hide in my room. Over the next week, I just lay there unless I needed to use the bathroom. I eat when Charlie brings food up; he won't leave until I take enough bites. I try not to sleep; the nightmares hurt too much. I didn't want to think, feel or do anything. I couldn't. It was as if my emotions shut down in defense.
On my way to the bathroom one night I overhear Charlie talking to Renee. He is worried that he might have to put me in a hospital. He doesn't think I should have reacted like this to Edward leaving me. He didn't understand. Of course he didn't. He didn't fall in love with a vampire who only viewed you as a distraction.
I realized then that Edward leaving me was affecting Charlie too. He feels helpless, because he doesn't know how to handle a teenage girl with a broken heart. Seeing me this broken was hurting him. I couldn't allow that.
I decided that day that I would at least try to function at a point that would make him happy. I wouldn't let myself feel much, just enough to keep me going. Just enough to make Charlie believe that I'm going to be ok. I'll go through the motions, and make him think that I'm not totally destroyed.
It will be like living a lie. But if it's a lie that makes Charlie happy, then I'll gladly do it. I'll let him believe that I'm okay. But I'll know the truth: I'll never truly be ok again.