Getting There
The pounding rain outside Cristina's windows matched her mood. It had been three days since she had broken up with Owen. She had spent the first two days lying in bed crying. Oddly enough, Bailey did not ask any questions when Cristina had claimed she had the flu. She simply told her to stay home in bed and make sure she called Izzie if she was able to. She had called Izzie several times over the last two days. She was not sure where this sudden connection with Izzie had come from. They had tolerated each other in the past because of the other relationships in their lives. She felt a connection with Izzie because she was not aware of the magnitude of what had happened with Owen. She was not there to witness it so she had not formed an unjust opinion of him. Cristina had told Izzie everything from the beginning. She had told her things that even Meredith did not know. She needed Izzie to tell her that things were going to be alright. She needed to share her heart break with someone and she knew that Izzie had definitely felt heartbreak. Cristina understood that Owen had not died like Denny, but in her heart it felt like she had lost him. It felt like she had lost the man that she had grown to love so much. She was not sure when it had happened. She could not pin point an exact moment that she realized she loved him, but she did. And her heart felt like it was slowly dying without him.
Izzie had encouraged her to return to work on the third day. She told her it would help her to keep busy. Cristina had taken extra precautions to avoid Owen. She knew if she had made eye contact with him that she would simply collapse into uncontrollable tears. She longed to see him. Just to watch him for a few minutes to make sure he was alright. She was so worried about him. She knew he needed her and that he must be feeling the same thing she was. Like he was dying inside.
She made her way to the locker room. She ran into Meredith who attempted to talk to her but Cristina just couldn't do it right now. She was not trying to be rude or avoid Meredith, but if she asked her one more time if she was all right, she was afraid she would just lose it and say something that she did not intend to. She knew Meredith meant well, but she just did not want to talk about it with her. She wanted to talk to Owen.
Cristina made her way to Bailey for her daily assignments. To her relief, she was assigned to Izzie, which would take her from the surgical floor to Oncology. She made her way to the elevators and held her breath until the doors opened. Empty. Empty like her. She turned the corner into Izzie's room and could not contain her emotions any longer. As she quietly closed the door, she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. Izzie didn't say a word, just smiled at her friend, knowing and feeling the pain she was experiencing. Cristina made her way to her bedside where she pulled up a chair and sat down laying her head down on Izzie's bed. Izzie didn't speak. Cristina didn't need to talk. She just needed a friend to understand her pain. She laid her hand on Cristina's cheek and encouraged her to look at her.
"Cristina, it's going to be ok, I promise."
"I'm sorry Izz. I know my problems are the last thing you need to think about right now. I just don't know if I can do this. Maybe I should take a leave of absence. I don't think I can function right now."
"He came to see me this morning. Owen came to see me."
Cristina's head snapped up from the bed to catch Izzie's gaze.
"What did he say?" Cristina asked in a whisper.
Izzie smiled and took Cristina's hand in to her own. "He told me he loved you. He told me that he loved you with all of his heart and he missed you so much that it felt like he couldn't breath."
Both women were now crying while holding each other's hands, just needing the comfort of the other. Izzie needed to believe that their love would survive what was before them and what they had been faced with. She needed to believe because her own true love had not survived.
"He also told me that he started therapy yesterday. He's supposed to meet with Dr. Wyatt four times a week. I told him that you and I had spoken several times over the last few days. He's worried about you Cristina. I assured him you were doing ok, but that you were sad."
Cristina released Izzie's hand and wiped away her tears.
"He is in just as much pain as you are Cristina. I know that does not comfort you, but you need to know that he is hurting just the same. He asked me if I thought it would be alright if he called you."
Cristina's breath caught in her throat. She prayed that Izzie had assured him that it would be. She stared into Izzie's eyes awaiting her answer.
"I told him I thought it would make both of you feel better. I thought you would be very happy to hear from him."
Cristina could not contain herself and jumped up to hug her. "Thank you Izzie. Thank you so much."
"I am going to go get your chart and see what procedure's you have scheduled for today. I'll be back in a bit." Cristina said while giving Izzie's hand a squeeze.
The rest of the day went by very fast for Cristina. The tidbit of news that Izzie had shared with her made the day seem at least bearable. She now could not wait to get showered and get home to wait for Owen's call. She prayed he would call her tonight. She needed to hear his voice. She stopped in to tell Izzie goodnight and headed toward the elevators. The doors opened and inside she found Derek leaning against the back railing.
"Hi" Derek said without moving.
"Hi" Cristina said while taking a spot beside him.
"Are you doing ok?"
Cristina nodded her head up and down but did not speak.
Derek could see the tears welling up in her eyes. He moved in closer beside her so their shoulders were touching. "Cristina, I'm gonna help him get better. I promise."
Again Cristina nodded her head up and down and reached over with her hand and laid it on his arm and gave a slight squeeze. It was just an acknowledgement of her thanks for helping Owen and for reassuring her.
Cristina headed out into the cold air; not sure if she was relieved or disappointed having not seen Owen today. She still had the hope of his phone call. She prayed that he would call. That he didn't think that she would not want to talk to him. As she opened the door to her apartment she could not help but be disappointed to find Callie & Arizona inside. She did not feel like dealing with anyone tonight.
"Hey, your home. Want some dinner?" Callie asked with a bit too much enthusiasm.
"No thanks. I just want to go to bed." Cristina said on her way to her room.
She closed her bedroom door behind her and leaned back into the glass door, thankful for the coolness against her cheek. She wanted to either talk to Owen or sleep. If she slept, she wouldn't worry about him and wonder what he was doing.
She changed into her pajamas and switched on her TV. She quickly found her eye lid's becoming heavy and soon drifted into sleep. She awoke to a slight rapping on her door.
"Cristina?" Callie called out.
She opened the door and spoke her name again, "Cristina?"
"Owen's on the phone. Do you want me to tell him you're asleep?"
"No!" Cristina said while jumping out of bed to retrieve the phone.
"Hello?" Cristina answered breathlessly.
She could only hear him breathing into the phone.
"I'm here Owen," she said in a whisper.
She could hear the breath catch in his throat and could tell that he was or had been crying. She checked the clock; it read 2:23 am.
"Please talk to me Owen," she whispered again.
"I can't do this. I can't live without you," he whispered.
"I am with you. I'm with you all the time." Cristina said while attempting to keep her tears from flowing again.
"I feel like I can't hold on. I feel like I have lost you and I just can't bear it if that is the truth."
"You haven't lost me Owen. Listen to me. I'm here. I will be here for you. You just need to get help and get better first and I will be here. I will wait for you. Owen?" Cristina begged him to answer her.
"Yes?"
"I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I didn't realize how much I love you until I let you go." The last part of her sentence coming out in an uncontrollable sob.
"I love you too." His own tears were also uncontrollable.
They cried for several minutes without speaking to each other. They could feel each other's pain.
"Cristina, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I should have never allowed myself to become involved with anyone, let alone you. I knew I had problems. I should have gotten help a long time ago. Before I fell in love with you. Maybe then it would not have hurt so badly."
"Stop it. Stop apologizing for this. This is not your fault. You are injured. You are injured from a war where you were serving your country. This is not your fault. I don't want an apology from you. I want you to get better so we can be together."
"I don't know how long it will take Cristina. How long can I ask you to wait for me?"
"You don't have to ask me. It's already settled. I will wait for as long as it takes. I am not going anywhere. I will never stop loving you. Do you hear me? I love you and I will always love you."
She had not realized that she was practically yelling into the phone. She felt such passion about the words that she had spoken. She just needed him to understand that this separation was not what either of them wanted but it was necessary.
"Owen?"
"Yes."
"We can do this. Please promise me we can do this."
She held her breath while she waited. She silently prayed that he would agree with her.
"We can do this. I will get better. I promise you I will get better because I cannot live without you."
"Ok then. We're ok. We'll have to be apart for while but we will be together again. You need to focus on getting better. I won't go anywhere. I love you," Cristina said again.
"I love you to Cristina. More than you will ever know.
Cristina smiled into the phone and had never felt so much relief as she had in this moment. No matter how long it took, they would be together in the end. She felt it and so did he. They were meant to be together and would do anything it took to get there.