Sagas of Sundry: DREAD – The Epilogue
Preface:
This is a fan-fiction based on the Project Alpha series 'Sagas of Sundry: DREAD'. Characters and associated histories and any copyright rests with the originators (via the creators Geek and Sundry).
Liberties with the established canon have been taken for the expedient reason that I didn't re-watch it to ensure I got everything right.
There is supplemental section which I wrote down my version of the characters' history between the first night and second, including reactions to the invitation. Peruse if you'd like to see how that evolved into the following, it follows on directly from the events of the series:
Stunned at what had happened and exhausted by the events of the last night, the remaining group dispersed. The friendship seemingly broken they drifted apart with no contact between them.
Sat blamed herself – for all of it; the stupid idea in the first place, the wishful thinking that returning could fix herself, the self-loathing that her selfishness had killed Tanner. He had been the best of friends to her, and she had ignored him, she had failed him. She couldn't face the others and returned to the life that had already killed her once. The drugs took some of the pain away and she could only wish for death.
Kaydan knew Tanner's death was all their fault, all of them. Sat's original stupid idea and the even worse one to return. Tanner for trying to save them. Raina's uselessness. Darby's stupid obsession. But most of all it was his fault. If only he could have done something differently, maybe he could have saved him. The group was broken and there was no hope. He couldn't be happier if he never saw any of them again. But he couldn't let Tanner's memory go.
Her self-doubt, her uselessness they had been what killed Tanner, Raina thought. She had let him die for her worthless self. But how could she be surprised, she couldn't even keep Darby from the madness that consumed her. She had only the solace of Tanner's camera - his prized possession, to prevent her from completely collapsing into herself.
The validation Darby felt that night was elating and invigorating; she was right! But Tanner's death had tainted it all. If only she had given up, forgotten or supressed it like the others. If only she convinced them all it wasn't worth it. As hard as it would have been to do, it was worth it for Tanner's life.
After the invitation for the second night came, despite his denials of what had happened that night, Tanner knew that even if a little bit of it was real – he knew there would be a chance he wouldn't make it. He made some preparations, those he talked seemed puzzled at the request but he paid them what they asked. And so, a month after that fateful night that he didn't return from, an invitation wasn't sent out to those that remained:
I know how surprising and possibly upsetting this may be. But I knew the risks of returning to the mountain and I couldn't leave so many things unsaid. But I have one request of you since I'm gone, and that is to gather together at least one last time – details are below.
Your friend,
Tanner
Homeless and dazed, Sat drifted from shelter to shelter, park to overpass. One day, a man shook her awake. Expecting the usual policeman shooing her away or social worker trying to help; she saw a non-descript man who asked her name. Not entirely sure, she told him and he wordlessly passed her a note and walked away. It seemed to be an invitation and she began to cry it as she read it. Maybe this could be redemption, at least, a small bit – something that maybe take a little bit of the guilt away. She resolved to go, hoping to be the only one – she didn't think she could look the others in the eye. Hoping to see the others – maybe, just maybe, they could take some of the pain away.
The shock was short-lasted, Kaydan laughed, not sure to be offended, angry or sad. It seemed so perfectly Tanner, always was caring to end – hell, even beyond the end. He hated himself for failing Tanner once and he could not do it again. Even if any of the others showed up, he owed Tanner this much – he would do his best and be civil to honour his memory.
Raina didn't want to go, to relive it all again. But she couldn't bring herself to disappoint Tanner one last time. She would go… and she would try not to cry.
Darby's heart broke, she had always seen Tanner's compassion but this went beyond anything else. She knew she could have done more that night, but this was the only thing she could do after that.
They arrived one by one at a small inner-city gallery brightly lit but with shades drawn. Knocking on the door, each one was greeted by an older man with damp eyes who shepherded them into a foyer of sorts. Once assembled, he spoke:
"Thank you for all coming. It wasn't so easier to find you all from what little we had but I'm glad you could make it." A slight hint of a smile touched his lips.
"When we got the notice, we… we weren't sure what to make of it. But it was his… it was Tanner's request and we could never deny our sweet little boy." The smile gone, replaced by swelling tears and a cracked voice.
"You all must have been very special to him… He never really spoke about his friends, but we knew he was happy. You must be the ones who made him that way."
His eyes seemed to stare into the void, his voice calm but distant:
"We… we never gave up hope that we would return… But when the letter from the attorney came… we, we just had to do this one last for him."
He sat heavily in one of the chairs in the foyer, eyes damp and unfocused.
"Please go through. Take as much time as you need… I'll be here when you're all done…" and with that he waved towards some curtains with bright light peeking through.
The group filed into the room, taking in the sights. The gallery was filled with blown-up pictures, Tanner's pictures. As their gazes took it all in, they noticed a trend. Many of the pictures were of the group themselves, both candid and staged. It was overwhelming, overpowering, and heart-breaking; they seemed so happy back then – not the broken shells that stood there. Raina instinctively moved to Darby's side to hold her close – the distance between them disappearing. Darby couldn't hold back her tears – the events that had brought them here momentarily forgotten.
Kaydan was trying to contain his rage - his fist balled up and shaking. He didn't know what he was angry about just that the sights, this… thing, was bringing up more emotions than he knew how to deal with. Sat was shaking, barely able to stand, uncontrollably sobbing. She stumbled back towards the nearest wall, sliding to the ground with her head in her hands.
He managed to calm himself, he had promised Tanner this much. Looking around he finally saw it. The centrepiece of this showing of Tanner's life and art; a shrine of sorts with a table in front. Walking closer, it began to make sense, all the pictures were of Sat. Tanner's love in picture form, He could only feel sorrow and shame at the past. For the things, he had said and done. He noticed, on the table in front, an envelope with the words: 'Please read' written in Tanner's hand-writing on the front.
He couldn't stop himself, his hand thumped the table in anger. The others looked around in shock at the noise. He picked up the envelope – now unsure what to do with it. He turned it over and over.
"That fucking BASTARD!" he practically screamed.
"Why couldn't he left us be…" he said as he turned around.
Taking in their frightened expressions, he once again calmed himself.
"He… he left us a message…"
The rage, the exhaustion of it all finally caught up to him and he sat done and leaned against the table. He rubbed his red eyes, unsure of everything.
"Should… should we read it." Whispered Raina.
"Why, so we can feel even more miserable about ourselves!" spat Kaydan, unable to stop himself.
The air felt heavy as no-one spoke for the longest time.
"Yes. It's what he wanted." Sat finally said, her voice cracked.
"This is all my fault, and I will DAMN well feel shitty about it!" Her voice growing louder.
"Fine."
Kaydan read the letter, his voice wavering at points with long pauses:
I know this is hard for you, it wasn't so easy for me. I didn't want to do it, but if there was any chance I didn't make it back then I, to use a redundant phrase, I couldn't live with myself. There are things that I wanted to say but never could and maybe I managed to say them that night. This will probably be easier if I did. I can't imagine what you've been through but I hope these messages can help.
Darby, I didn't really know you, and I'm sorry for that. I know what happened a year ago hit you hard. I wasn't there for you, I just wanted to forget, to pretend it never happened. That it was something Kaydan did or just the weirdness of the place. If I hadn't lost the camera, if it didn't do… that thing, maybe we all could have some semblance of certainty.
I heard what happened to you at end of your obsession, I think everyone knew. But it was too much, you seemed too far gone and I was too afraid to do anything about it. I will always regret that and I can only hope that this trip will bring the closure you need.
Raina, like Darby I was never that close. I didn't think to intrude and perhaps get between you and her. As we all drifted apart I thought you and her could pull through, with the strength I saw in your relationship. But hearing what happened to her I knew it had all gone wrong. I regret that, that maybe I could have done something. Again, I hope that this trip will go some way to fixing it.
Sat, you are beautiful and vulnerable, caring and open. You accepted me despite my reluctance to engage with people, it wasn't shyness but a defence. If you're not close you can't be hurt. But you got through that. Got closer than anyone ever had.
But I never told you how I grew to feel, so we never had a chance. You told me how you felt about Kaydan and I didn't want to get in the way. I was only really part of the group to be close to you. You can probably see that now. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you this past year, I just couldn't bear to see you like that. I couldn't bear to see what Kaydan was doing to you.
Kaydan, I don't even know where to begin. I hated you for so long, even before that night. The influence you had on Sat disgusted me. But I after that night, she told me how she felt about you. I thought, perhaps, you could help her get through it – that something good would come of it all. But you couldn't do it, could you, just fed her more drugs and strung her along. Protesting ignorance and not caring for the world at all. Even then, I accepted you, I thought you might be hurting and you would finally open up. But no, it just got worse and I couldn't be a part of it anymore, I just had to shut myself off again. In a way, it made me hate you even more. But I can't leave now feeling only hate; I forgive you and only wish that you can do something positive with that forgiveness.
But this isn't about all that, though it had to be said. This is about what happened this time, what happened to me. I can never know ahead of time, just hope it was doing something worthwhile.
More importantly, despite my feelings, I can't let you all hurt the way now as I can only imagine you do. I went knowingly and I wish that the experience made you all stronger, and if not, my only request is that you try move beyond that. You try to make something good of my lose.
Your friend eternally Tanner,
The silence was deafening and the moment stretched seemed to stretch into infinity – the only interruption the occasional stifled sob.
"Bastard." Muttered Kaydan, eventually.
"WHAT! YOU…" Nearly shouted Sat.
Interrupting her, "Why, why did he have to say it…" Kaydan stammered, the tears welling up.
"Say what…?" Sat said, her own thoughts momentarily.
"Be so damn caring, so fucking reasonable."
"But… but…" she stammered.
"No buts, this must be the only selfish thing he's ever FUCKING done." Only the slightest hint of anger breaking through his defeated voice.
"He could have left us in this misery… we deserved, we fucking deserve it, we let him die… we fucking left him there!" The anger in Kaydan's voice growing.
"He had to go and try and fix it… because he fucking cared, because he fucking through we all worth it…"
"And you know what. We aren't worth it, we never were. You, you, you, and most of all ME!" he pointed at each every one of them as they bowed their heads.
The anger could not stop them, his sobs broke throw and the tears began flowing.
"… worst of all… he never knew…" Kaydan was barely able to whisper.
Kaydan's outburst seemingly over, the silence returned.
"Darby… Darby, I'm sorry." Raina said when she broke the silence.
"No… no, it was my stupid obsession… I pushed you away… I wanted us all to… I… killed him." Darby replied her voice cracking at the end.
"We all killed him…" whispered Sat, staring into the distance.
"No. No. We didn't kill him, those things did… Maybe we could have done some differently, but we didn't… he didn't." Raina said resolutely, a strength growing in her voice none of them had heard before.
"He didn't want any of this; this self-loathing, self-pity, self-destruction!"
"He said as much. I have hated myself and second-guessed myself for so long for Tanner that I forgot who he really was."
"He was better than all of us combined! We owe it to him to better than this!" The resolve in her voice was only matched by the firmness as she wiped her tears.
She turned to Darby, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I promise, in Tanner's memory, I will never abandon you."
Turning to Sat, "I'm sorry I couldn't see you hurting, it's little consolation to say that I had my own problems. But Tanner wouldn't want us to dwell on the past, I promise to help you from now on, as a friend should do."
Finally turning to Kaydan, "I don't know what you did to make Tanner hate you that much, but till you can honour his memory and his wishes. I don't think I can truly be your friend."
Her resolve didn't quite leave her, but the exhaustion had caught up, she feel into Darby's arms unable to stand up alone.
"What… what did you do Kaydan?" asked Sat, turning around confused.
"Were you even listening!?" Kaydan replied, fire in his eyes.
"He told me… he told me everything!"
"How you felt, how unsure you were, that maybe there was a chance I felt the same…"
"Every. Single. Thing I did, you told him, maybe it was sign." He laughed, a pitiful pained chuckle.
"It must have hurt him so much, to hear it, all the fucking time. To think that you might love a fuck-up like me. He must have hated me so much…"
"And I knew it, I knew he hated me… I…"
"I knew how you felt, I could see it plainly. He didn't need to tell me, but he thought it right. Because I could see how he felt, that friendship growing into something more."
"He even fucking told me!" another laugh,
"And why! Because he wanted me to know he would get in the way…"
"But I'm fucking bastard fuck-up, ain't I!"
"I couldn't let it be like that, all those hints, those maybe's…"
"Yeah, they were there… But I never felt that way!"
He paused, unsure how to even begin to continue…
"What the fuck! How you could you fucking do that to me…" Sat cried the anger in her voice slicing through the air.
"Because it FUCKING hurt HIM!" The fire in Kaydan's eyes creeping into his voice.
"Why the fuck would..." Sat tried to reply.
"BECAUSE IT WAS YOU AND NOT ME!" He screamed.
"Wha.. What?" Sat feebly replied.
"I hated myself for so long, and he came along… And for a moment I thought, maybe, I didn't need to hate myself anymore…" The fire finally gone, Kaydan said defeatedly.
"He was a friend, more than a friend… he saw through my self-loathing and the possibility of something else."
"And then he fucking ruined it, he told me. He ruined my only fantasy… my only hope."
"So yeah, I strung you along… Just to fucking make him feel my pain." With that he slumped forward, head in his hands, no more fight – nothing left but a broken shell.
Raina and Darby looked nervously between the Sat and Kaydan, unsure of what to do.
"I… We… uh," Raina weakly started to say.
"Don't… just, don't." Sat replied.
"We'll go, but we'll be here for you… both of you." Darby replied looking at both of them.
With that, Raina and Darby arm in arm quietly left.
Before leaving, they spoke to Tanner's father.
"I… I'm sorry for your loss, but can… can I give you this?" Raina asked
She took from her bag Tanner's camera from that night long ago.
"It… It was Tanner's but I think you should have it now…" She said, offering the camera to his father.
He looked at it with puzzled eyes broken from his trance. The slightest hint of a smile crept into his face.
"Th… thank you. This must mean a lot to you… it would mean so much to our family. Thank you again." He replied
"There is going to a memorial sometime later, I will send you the details when we have them."
"Thank you again for coming, I know it meant a lot to him." As he waved them towards the door.
Raina and Darby stood outside the gallery, unsure of what to do.
"What now?" Darby said, still clutching Raina not wanting to let go.
"Whatever comes next, I suppose, but we owe to Tanner to try and make something special of it." Raina replied, genuinely smiling for the first time in what seemed like forever.
And with that they slowly walked away, unsure of the path ahead but looking forward towards it anyway.
Sat's head was spinning, it was all too much, too overwhelming. How could she have had not know about Tanner? How could her best friend done that to him… done that to her?
"Why… why didn't you tell me… tell him…?" she said, meekly.
Kaydan's head had finally cleared, it hadn't been this clear for a long time.
"I was scared… scared of losing you… scared of losing him…" he replied.
"And then I fucking lost him anyway…"
"And it was your fault… I blamed you…"
"Then I blamed myself, If I could have stopped them…" he continued.
"But you didn't, we didn't. It happened and we can't fix it." Sat interjected, her voice sounding certain, confident as it was that first night.
"He said as much, and we owe it to him… We owe it to him to not let our lives go to waste… not let his sacrifice mean nothing." She finished.
"How? How can we fucking go on from this?! You're homeless, I've got nothing left… how do we go on from this?" Kaydan asked, a hint pleading in his voice.
"I don't know… one step at time and all that bullshit. But we owe him that much." Sat replied.
"Can… can... you forgive me…" The pleading in Kaydan's voice was desperate.
"I… I don't know… But if Tanner could, then I have to at least try…" A weak smile touched Sat's lips.
"Will… will you help me?" he asked, uncertain of the answer.
"If you'll help me… we might even be friends again… eventually." She replied, finally seeing the possibility of a future.
And with that she stood, and held her hand out to Kaydan. The surprise in his momentarily took over from the shame. He stood.
"I don't deserve this." He said, not taking her hand.
"No. None of us do, but it's what we have. But I think Tanner understood; it doesn't matter what you have, it's what you do with it." She replied thoughtfully, finally thinking about life beyond the excitement or despair of the now.
Kaydan took her hand and she led him out. Tanner's father thanked them again and informed them of the memorial.
Sat paused, and tried to find something in her jacket. After finding it, she passed it to the father.
"I know it's not much, but I got me through some tough times, and maybe it could help you."
Looking at the object, it was a small picture frame, with all the group – including Tanner – in it, smiling.
"He took it on a timer. I think those were times he always thought, even in the worst of time…"
"Anyway, I think it should be closer to him… with you."
Once again, Tanner's father thanked them and ushered them out on to the street before he locked up the gallery.
A moment paused as the gravity of it all sunk in.
"Where to know?" asked Kaydan, uncertain of anything anymore – the anger he had felt for so long finally gone.
"Wherever home is…" Sat laughed, a sound alien to her now…
And they walked off, heading to a brighter future than they ever had before.
The memorial was a quiet and sombre affair. The group attended in muted silence but in higher spirits than they had been in a long time. The loss of their friend weighed heavily, but he had given so much more. He had given them hope, a future, a way past this tragedy.
Before leaving they paid their respects. They smiled at the proudly displayed camera and picture they had returned to the family. Tokens, symbols, of their beloved friend and the hope he had given them all.
Post-script:
Draft characterisation and reactions to invite for second night. I wrote this to inform the development of the preceding story. This is probably where my imperfect recollections deviate from canon, beyond the obvious fictitious non-canon elements I added.
Sat: becomes distant and isolated from her friends who are attempting to process what had happened that night. Even her interactions with Kayden and Tanner had become fewer and further between when prior they had been the closest to her of the group. Both parts equal her distance and trauma of the night she falls deeper into drug use and abuse fuelled by her interactions with Kayden but become more and more self-afflicted. She finally overdoses and winds-up in hospital, no-one visits, and worse she is kicked out of home. Homeless with nothing left, this return is her last hope to re-connect and perhaps become whole again.
Invite reaction: she had nothing left and was broken, this was her last chance to maybe come to terms with that night. To finally turn her life around. She scrawled little notes and left them where she thought they would be found. Packing up her few meagre things she headed off to be at the appointed place and time – hoping but greatly unsure that they all would, even some, would turn up.
Kayden: prior to the events his first night his interactions with Tanner had been particularly antagonistic and even more so when they were together with Sat. But they had something in common with Sat and had shared confidences between the three prior to the events. Sat had confided in Tanner her interest in Kayden and Tanner had confided his interest Sat to Kayden but vowed to deny them for her happiness. Kayden for his part seemed to string Sat along but never acted on it. Kayden had been hiding his own secret, his feelings for Tanner. Not sure of his own sexuality and engaging in self-destructive behaviour because of it, he couldn't act in part because he didn't believe his worth. His feelings only grew strong every interaction as he saw the care Tanner had for Sat and the lack of judgement he had for the group – even Kaydan. His privately expressed concern of Kaydan's negative influence on Sat only made his feelings unworthiness increase.
Invite reaction: half-believing it would never happen – that the group was completely broken, Kaydan knew he had to go, if only to prove to himself it was something else, anything else. Mass hallucination, the effects of the drugs, even the others fucking with him – goddamn did he deserve it. Finally, it was a chance to reunite with Sat, he had always felt like she was a sister to him, one who never judged. And, perhaps, most importantly a final chance with Tanner.
After the events of that night, he withdrew from all the group, his drug use increasing to cope with the unreality – the impossibility of that night. Beyond the rare meetings with Sat and Tanner he refused to believe it was real. His hurt at Tanners accusations burned and he could only turn inwards.
Tanner: his only interest in the group was Sat, it had been like that a long time. But he couldn't act on it, first out of shyness then out of respect for Sat's wishes. He saw in her a vulnerability and was concerned about her drug use and even more so Kaydan's influence. He only wanted her to be happy and free, to have the all opportunities of world.
After the events of that night, he distanced himself from everyone in the group, not fully believing the events and still harbouring suspicions about Kaydan's involvement. He became pained by Sat's descent and Kaydan influence and seemingly taunting her affections. He knew to continue with this experience would drive him to a worse fate and threw himself into his photography.
Invite reaction: He nearly through the note in the bin. He never wanted to have anything to do with that place again, never think about it again. But Sat wanted it, and he could let her down. He could only wish that Kaydan wasn't there – that he was finally gone from Sat's life. Maybe then there could be something between him and Sat.
He was unsure of Raina and Darby, he knew they had split and Darby's melt-down. Could they get-along… reconcile, he held them no ill-will but he had enough of drama in his life.
Despite his misgivings about the whole thing, he couldn't shake that last terrible moment of panic – the point where death seemed inevitable. If this whole thing was real – if he didn't make it this time, then he couldn't leave things the way they were. His care for everyone wouldn't let him abandon them and he made some quiet preparations.
Raina: after the reveal of Darby's feelings they initially became closer, but the experience began to tear them apart. Darby's obsession with what had happened and the Goat man contrasted to heavily with Raina's disbelief and her attempts to bury what had happened. Raina gave Darby an ultimate to drop the thing or they can never be together. Darby's refusal tore her apart and she vowed to never see her again. Though she heard about Darby's public breakdown she could not bring herself to try her bring her back. She thought it futile and would only break her heart further.
Invite reaction: Raina was shell-shocked as the memories flooded back and the pain of what had happened next. But perhaps this was the time, an opportunity to come to terms with things. Perhaps, it would finally put a stop to Darby's obsession and they could come back together and finally move on.
Darby: Though the experience had brought her and Raina closer together she became haunted by the idea of the Goat man. She withdrew from her work to obsessively research the Goat man in the hopes of finding some explanation. The madness grew as she grew closer and her attempts at occult methods to contact him. Her failed attempts led to a breakdown, streaking through the streets naked after another failed attempt. Though her feelings for Raina had never left, this was too important, the most important thing in the world.
Invite reaction: Darby couldn't be more excited, though disappointed in her own failures, her inability to return to that place. This was the opportunity to truly connect and prove everyone wrong. To finally meet the Goat man and find out the truth of that night.