Brotherhood gone bonkers 8
Description: Welcome to Brotherhood Gone Bonkers. After nine months in development it hopefully will be worth the wait. XD Everyone who gets this joke will be invited by Spectre for a cappuccino.
Sojourner and Thunderhawk become hat hunters, Locke got nuts cause he's a man and a cat breaks the fourth wall.
Yet again we have another idyllic morning in Haven.
WHAM!
CRASH!
BOIOIOING!
"Athair, you freaking son of a ... You've broken my favourite breakfast set! How on Mobius shall I get that special breakfast experience from now on?"
"Uhm ... sorry for that ... But look on the bright side, at least one dish stayed in one piece. And it's rolling over the kitchen floor like in one of those cartoon car crashes when you always see one tire bouncing around. Isn't that funny?"
"Well, I'm giving you even more to laugh about!"
Believe it or not - that is actually called an idyllic morning in Haven. You don't want to know what any other morning would look like. Now let's move over to one of the other rooms - watch out or else you will be trampled by Athair and Spectre - to see what the other Guardians are up to. We open that door to have a good look at Sojourner's dirty stuff. In this case not dirty because of all the porn material - no that is wisely hidden in the wardrobe and under the bed - but dirty because he hardly ever cleans in here. But in this case cleaning probably wouldn't help anymore - he should rather call a decontamination team. Let's go to the next room. In here we can see Thunderhawk under the shower.
"Hey, what are all those people doing in my shower?! Piss off, wankahs, or I'm going to sic Spectre on you!"
Thunderhawk watched the narrator and a whole tourist group storm out of the bathroom. For a little while he could still hear them trample through the corridor. He shook his head and got back under the shower again. Haven was getting stranger and stranger with every day. Thank goodness he had found a new hobby instead of getting drunk that helped him keep his sanity. Sometimes life just needed a bit of team action. And a hell lot of hats.
Heavily breathing Spectre leaned against a lamp post. Had he really followed Athair all the way to Echidnaopolis without even noticing? Now that he thought about it, wasn't there also a group of unfamiliar Echidnas roaming around in Haven and he had just passed them by not giving a fuck at all because he was too eager to catch Athair?
"Dammit, I really need to get those anger issues under control when I already get that blinded by them."
"Or you are just getting old. But don't worry, I can help."
Lightly confused Spectre looked up but only saw a little cat sitting on the sidewalk - not one of the cat people living on Mobius but one of those little creatures the humans sometimes kept as pets. He just looked down the street again to find whoever might have spoken to him when the cat opened its mouth.
"Hello, my name is Justin Freddy Gabrie, former editor of the comics. I know everything about the past and present - as seen in ... well, actually in every issue - and sometimes also the future, at least when Ken-cat isn't on his period again."
Spectre stared at Gabrie-cat for a good while with wide opened mouth.
"What ... comics?" was the first he brought out but then he vigorously shook his head. "How can you even speak? I'm not even on a cappuccino trip. Has Athair poured something funny into my tea?"
"Well, no, actually I was there the whole time and well hidden. But now I have come out to help you. You have obviously lost your touch with your inner cat."
For a few seconds Spectre blinked dumbfounded.
"My inner ... what?"
"Not what - cat. Everybody needs an inner cat or they will just lose it."
The dark Echidna raised his eyebrows.
"And they don't think I lost it when they see me talking to a pussy-cat?"
"I'm a tomcat, thank you very much", Gabrie-cat said with a glare.
"What shall I even do to 'get in touch with my inner cat' again?"
"You have to kiss me."
"What the... No freaking way I am kissing a pussy-cat!"
Gabrie-cat bared his teeth. "I'm a tomcat."
"As if my life wasn't crazy enough already without kissing a talking cat. You were eating cat food or Aurora knows what and I don't even want to know where you have licked yourself the last time. No, all I probably need is a cup of tea, a nap, or even better a time away from the others."
With that Spectre turned around and started walking back to Haven. Gabrie-cat stared after him mildly surprised for a little while but then shrugged it over, got up, stuck up his tail and trotted after the Guardian.
Locke sighed, leaned back and tried to be as invisible as possible in his chair in front of the screens in case someone would enter the room. He had decided to skip the breakfast as soon as he heard the crashing plates and probably it was better not to know who those strangers were he heard passing by several minutes ago. He finally found the time to do some work again and now he also wanted to use it before someone in this insane asylum decided to interrupt him.
"You are sitting in front of those screens again? Why don't you go out for a change?" a reproachful voice said.
Yeah, and there was the first inmate to disturb...
With an annoyed sigh Locke turned around.
"What exactly is your problem, father? Lately I have barely been on surveillance duty anyways. We got pigeons, Powerpuff Girls, refrigerators, bracelets, body switching devices... For weeks I barely had the time to do some work done. And you still behave as if I'm glued to these screens."
("He's right, within this whole storyline he has mainly spent his time in his lab, or training pigeons, or running through Echidnaopolis, or digging up strange artefacts from the Ice Cap Zone but hardly ever in front of the screens." - history-obsessed J. -cat)
Sabre gave Locke a confused look.
"Uh, have you just heard that too? Someone confirming what you just said?"
"Yeah... Probably we should both get out. Knowing our luck Athair has spread something hallucinogenic in here."
"No I haven't - but it would be a nice idea to do it again", Athair who suddenly stood behind them said.
Sabre's eye started twitching?
"Again? What do you mean by again?"
"How did you get back so fast", Locke asked. "I thought Spectre might chase you to the city at least."
"Took the bus."
"Ah ... Wait, what bus? Since when do we have a bus line to Haven?"
"It's because of all the tourists."
"But why are there even..." Sabre started but then stopped and just shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh forget it."
"Okay, I will forget it. I have forgotten it ... What did you just say? I think I have forgotten."
The other two exchanged glances.
"Too much hallucinogenics, I guess", Sabre said. "We should really get out. Why not going to the cinema? We haven't done that in ages."
("Namely exactly 40 years and 102 days" - movie star Gabrie-cat)
"Oh yes! Cinema! I wanna go to the cinema!" Athair called out. "I wanna see Finding Nemo."
"That's a stupid movie for little kids", Locke huffed.
"I wanna see Jurassic Park", Athair said.
"Well ... That was a quick change of movie genres", Sabre said. "Let's at first go there to see what they even play then we can still decide."
Sojourner walked through Haven's corridors feeling bored. For a short time he had thought about cleaning his room after the tourist guide mentioned the necessary decontamination team but then he thought that wouldn't be fun either.
Actually he had expected to find Locke in the surveillance room but instead Thunderhawk had occupied the screens. Of course he wasn't working. Instead he used the chance while neither Spectre nor Locke where here to scold him to do some gaming on the big screens.
"What on Mobius are you doing?" Sojourner asked and raised an eyebrow.
Thunderhawk turned around with sparkling eyes.
"Welcome to Team Fortress 2", he said in a tone as if he had just found the explanation to life, the universe and everything else.
With sceptical expression Sojourner watched how someone from the other team used the time of Thunderhawk's short absence from keyboard to snipe his sniper.
"Wanna play as well?" the lavender male asked while he waited for the respawn. "Some achievements need to be done with a partner and I could need one who doesn't swear and scream like an idiot and then ragequits as soon as the slightest bit doesn't go as he wanted."
"I think I will watch first."
"What is even the point of that game?" Sojourner asked after he had spent several minutes standing behind Thunderhawk's chair looking at the screen. "In the last half hour this Soldier has done nothing else but rocket jumping, that Scout is running only in circles shooting at his own feet, our Heavy is chatting with two enemy Medics instead of attacking them, that Sniper is lagging I think or afk because he hasn't moved a step since he shot you, the Spy is hiding behind a teleporter the rest runs around without any recognizable goal either shooting at everything no matter if enemy or wall or spamming taunts."
Thunderhawk scratched the back of his head.
"Well, sometimes it's a shooter, sometimes it's all about having fun. And hats. The point is always hats. A lot of them. Ah, it's hard to explain. You have to experience it yourself."
Finding Nemo was already sold out, so was Jurassic Park so the three Guardians watched another family friendly movie - Paranormal Activity.
"I want some snacks", Athair whined while they waited that the extremely frightened looking kiddies who just came out of the last show left the halls and they could get in to take their seats.
"Wait here", Locke sighed. "I think I previously saw the guy with the snacks coming by."
He squeezed through the kiddies who jumped and screamed as soon as someone touched them and soon had reached the snack guy who strangely looked like Shadow the hedgehog.
"I would like some nuts."
"Sure, how many? One? Two?" Shadow lowered his voice. "Or maybe sssssix?" He continued normally again, "Or do you want the whole basket, miss?"
Locke frowned.
"Miss? I'm a guy. I even have a beard."
"And I have already seen bearded ladies. Moreover you are wearing a dress. Now do you want nuts or not?"
"That's a lab coat. And don't 'you' me. I'm a guy, not a you."
"I just wanted to ask you..."
"He."
"Uhm..." Shadow sputtered, now completely confused.
"I'm a he and I want nuts."
"So if you ... he still do want nuts", Shadow continued not sure if he was still talking grammatically correct, "I can give ... him a special offer - the whole basket."
He pushed the selling basket into Locke's arms and ran away while in turn several startled kiddies screamed and fled from Shadow now.
"I have nuts because I'm a man", Locke proudly said when he returned, a few packs in his hands.
"Oh ... that's good for you. I guess", Sabre said a bit unsure.
"Bugger off!" Spectre shouted and spun around. "The people are already giving me strange looks because a cat is following me through the whole city."
At the moment he was at a very quiet part of the city though. Only an old granny watched him confused why one of the Guardians was shouting at kittens.
The Gabrie-cat gave him an unimpressed look.
"What's your problem? All you would have to do is giving me a kiss and all your problems will be solved."
"I am not going to kiss a cat!" He quickly turned around and pointed at the granny. "And you! I won't kiss you either!"
"Oi!" the granny made and tried to get away as fast as possible - which means in three hours she would have come as far as ten metres.
"Oh come on. You behave as if you have to marry me after that. It's just one little kiss and I promise I won't bother you anymore afterwards."
"Really?"
Gabrie-cat lifted up a paw.
"Yes, the readers are my witnesses that I have never bothered you before and also will never do it again unless they or the author want me to do it."
Readers? Author? It probably was not only the best for his own sanity but also for the cat's. With a grimace he lifted up the grinning cat and gave him a kiss on the muzzle. A poof and Gabrie-cat was gone. For a moment Spectre stared at his empty hands dumbfounded.
"It's gone. It left us. Now we are really free."
With a loud, nearly insane sounding laugh he raced out onto the main street and startled a few innocent Legionnaires who were handing out flyers titled "Dimitri our lord and saviour"
With a huff Sojourner pushed up the hardhat he was meanwhile wearing.
"Dangit, now I finally got the hang of it the servers are down."
"Finally got the hang of it? You totally dominated me several times, mate", Thunderhawk said and clicked away the error message to close his game. "You were supposed to play with me, not against me."
"So what are we supposed to do now with our game gone for who knows how long? Shoot at people and collect hats in real life?"
The door behind them suddenly flew open.
"I have kissed my inner pussy! I am invincible!" Spectre shouted before slamming the door shut again.
The two Guardians exchanged a glance.
"It's definitely not a bad idea to get out of Haven for a while", Thunderhawk meant.
People streamed out of the cinema, among them three Guardians, one excited, one at least in a good mood and one a bit unnerved.
"This film was so creepy I doubt I will ever sleep alone again", Athair said but with a grin that didn't look as if he was frightened at all.
It hadn't really been Locke's type of movie but at least he finally did what his father always had wanted him to do, had left Haven and it didn't even mean too much conversation with other people so all in all he couldn't complain.
"I don't know about the movie", Sabre said with a reproachful look, "but to me the creepiest part was definitely when Athair suddenly used a quiet scene to shout, 'Who touched my nuts?', and Locke replied, 'Not me. I'm a man and have my own nuts to touch'. Did that really have to be? You can't be taken anywhere without being embarrassing, can you?"
With a grin Athair put an arm around his son's shoulders.
"We're Guardians. What else did you expect? Insanity is in our job description."
Yeah, with that he couldn't have been more right. Once again like he had already done so often Sabre wondered if there ever had been a single sane Guardian in Haven. Probably even their ancestors had lost it when they had to stay together at the same place most of the time.
Remington filed another report. The damage caused by the piano running wild was repaired, once in a while someone still called because they had been attacked by a combat pigeon but those also had gotten rarer. It looked like one of the Guardian cases could finally be closed. Hopefully that didn't mean he soon had to open another one.
The telephone rang. He had already been on the phone before and was informed of a major traffic jam in the inner city. Maybe they now had found the cause of it.
"It's about the traffic jam from before", one of his assistants told him as soon as he picked up. "Looks like the streets are blocked by a Guardian and his improvised sentry gun made of scrap material in the middle of a crossroad." He shortly paused then continued. "The sentry is wearing a hat."
The constable covered his face with his free hand.
"Have you tried to convince him to go away?" he asked with gritted teeth.
"Yes. He wanted to trade with us. He wanted Bill's hat for the sentry gun."
What had he done to be punished with such Guardians?
"Tell him he can have a van full of whatever hats he wants as long as he goes away."
"He just erected a dispenser and wants to trade that in for the van. He also asks if we can send a lighter van or else his head might hurt from wearing it."
"For Aurora's sake", Remington brought out and desperately tried not to scream, "throw that bloody Guardian in the van full of hats and get him out of the city!"
He threw the receiver back down on the phone. No, today he definitely didn't want to leave his office anymore. Who knew how many of these Guardians were still roaming around in the city.
Kragok stood on the street some flyers in his hands trying to stop unsuspecting Echidnas with the words "Can I interest you for Lord Dimitri our saviour?"
Dimitri had insisted since Enerjak was a god his followers should be recruited the 'proper' way. Right now Kragok considered contacting Locke and asking if he could borrow the anti-Enerjak weapon.
Suddenly something hit his head. When he looked down he saw a foam arrow from a Nerf gun on the floor. He turned around where he thought it had been shot from and frowned. Was that lavender Echidna with the good dozen hats on his head who waved at him Thunderhawk? He wasn't sure but had his distant relative really just called "Thanks for standing still, wankah!" at him? At least he waved until he was hit by a van wearing a sombrero.
Slowly, his biological eye widened, the Grandmaster turned on his heels and showed the whole scenery his back. Maybe if he just ignored it hard enough it all would go away again.
Sabre, Locke and Athair were waiting at the bus stop for their ride back to Haven when a sombrero-wearing van stopped in front of them with screeching tires.
"Get in the van, mate! We have to stop that bloody train before it reaches the end of the line", Thunderhawk called.
"And stop those damn hippies in the black dresses. They are throwing around fliers in the inner city", Sojourner added.
The three other Guardians exchanged gazes.
"Get away from that wheel", Sabre said with a glare. "You are drunk again. Where did you even get the van from?"
"Couldn't be more sober", the lavender Echidna said but he still slipped to the side to make space for Sabre when the others climbed in.
"I'm sitting on a pile of hats", Locke complained.
"From Remington", Sojourner answered the question. "I only traded a dispenser and a sentry for it."
Sabre opened his mouth as if he wanted to ask something but then just let out his breath. Did he really want to understand that?
At the bus stop in front of Haven people stood with food in their hands. One carried a refrigerator.
"Is Haven now not only a tourist attraction but also a grocery store?" Sabre called out.
Spectre walked over to the van, a wild grin on his face.
"They were annoying us so much we wanted to get rid of them. Then our inner pussy told us to bribe them with souvenirs from Haven instead so they would leave us alone. But additionally we also told them that they would risk their lives should they ever return."
"Oh ... That's good enough, I guess", Sabre said. He tried to ignore how somehow insane Spectre had sounded. After all he finally got rid of the tourists that way and that was the most important thing, right?
"I need a place for my hat collection", Sojourner said. "Do you think all 600 can fit into my room? And of course the van."
"The van is mine", Thunderhawk said. "I need it to transport a new fridge over here. I think they still know me in that store where I'm going to buy it. And Spectre, care for a friendly game? I could still need more team mates. You would be a good Pyro. At least we already expect you to breathe fire most of the time."
"And you still wonder why I rather spend my time with work than with most of Haven's other inmates, father?" Locke asked.
Gabrie-cat wandered into the picture sat down and looked right at the reader - and back in time also right at the author.
"That is the end of it? Quite unusual. Normally we always had a chasing scene here. Some kind of running gag - literally running - since ..."
"You!" Spectre shouted and pointed at the cat. "You have said you will leave me alone, you dirty liar!"
Gabrie-cat jumped up.
"Oh. Uh ... I ... should go."
And with that he jumped out of the picture.