A/N: Wow. This is shitty, I'm sorry. But the idea came to me one morning and was like "I gotta write this!" and it sounded better in theory in my head, but I had already started it and decided to finish it. Anyways, I'm sorry for how bad this is lmao. But here, enjoy Kagura being comforted by Sesshomaru. Reviews and feedback are, of course always welcome.
And also, thank you to everyone who reviewed and like Dirty Sheets! It means a lot to me and I'm glad y'all enjoyed it. Thank you!
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.
Lingering thoughts and memories that came back to hit you like a train. The terrifying feeling of being suffocated, remembering where there once was a hole where your heart is. And you can't help but feel like you're still falling, endlessly. Nothing to carry you, nothing to support you. You can still feel the burning running through your body, and it's like nothing can soothe it.
Kagura lied still as her eyes shot open from her sleep. She felt paralyzed, terrified to move, as if something was going to suddenly grab her. Her breathing was heavy, as she tried her best to calm it, and pace her breaths.
Her eyes moved around, trying to jog her out of her half-asleep daze. She had fallen asleep on the couch, with the TV on. The blanket she had had now been pushed off her & fallen to the carpet, her laptop sits closed on the coffee table across her. Right, she thought. I just dozed off.
She slowly arose, trying to shake the nerves that were jolting inside her. But that feeling doesn't leave, and it doesn't want to. The sad truth is, (the one that Kagura keeps fighting), is that the feeling is never going to leave her quite fully. Somehow, memories of her father had decided to invade her sleep.
"You're an ungrateful little bitch, do you understand that? I don't understand how someone like you, who has it so good here, doesn't know how to keep her fucking mouth shut when she's told to. "
"You're fucking lucky I let you stay here, you're lucky to even have me at all. No one else could put up with someone who's as much of a hassle as you are."
"Do you realize how kind I've been to you? No one else is capable of caring for you the way I have."
And then there the nights where she'd be sound asleep, relying on the comfort of her bed to assure her consistent need, not want, to escape, to leave, to find something better. She was so stubborn, she was so eager to know that there was something better than this.
It was these nights, she'd be awoken by the sudden hard thud of the floor, and calloused hands making their rounds against her skin, leaving her marks and bruises she'd have to hide and falsely explain the next day.
"You little bitch, what did I tell you about lying to me? What did I tell you? I'll always fucking find out where you are, stupid little bitch."
It was these nights that she wished her father ceased to be alive. It was these moments, these words, this kind of "care" she received from such a young age, that stayed with her well into her more recent years.
While Kagura was strong, and at this point in her life, knew she was capable of pulling herself away from a situation if she was desperate enough. She had such a bold soul, and willed her way out of a pattern of abuse. But the feelings were always still within her, her fear was still ever present, and despite how much she combatted it daily, she was able to mask it.
Kagura's more secret fear was to suddenly wake up, and find that everything was a dream, she was still living in that dingy house, still vulnerable to her father's abuse.
Sitting with her legs crossed, arms folded, Kagura sat there, staring blankly at her coffee table. It seemed like memories were replaying themselves like old television episodes in her mind.
And she knew she wanted to fight it, tell herself and remind herself none of it was true, she was meant for more than what she was given. She'd found her way into a better life where she could support herself & be by herself. More so, she found someone who'd be able to help her put back the pieces of her life together. She was grateful she found some kind of foundation in her life, and someone whose promise was truly kept.
It didn't stop her own personal demons from making their visits, though. Early in her relationship with Sesshomaru, he'd find Kagura sitting still and blank on the floor. Her catatonic state alarmed him at first, until, eventually (and slowly), she unveiled her upbringing to him.
Sesshomaru was never a man of many words, most people knew that. And with Kagura, he was no different, but he knew that she was struggling to close the door on a previous part of her life. He knew that there was a part of her that was still bruised, a bruise she wasn't sure was ever going to heal. And though he'd never admit it out loud, and as guarded as he was, he took an internal vow to keep her protected.
Kagura's mind felt like it was racing on its own. Paralyzing fear was running down her back, and she did everything she could to push it away.
But what if he finds me again? What if this all gets taken away? She thought, her fear and vulnerability running amidst. She felt like everything she was scared of was going to cave in on her, all at once. She sat frozen in tense fear, terrified to move. Her eyes fixated themselves on the blank coffee table before her, and once again, found her mind swimming in an open water that contained everything she dreaded.
Kagura must've been in her stilled state for quite a while. She hadn't moved an inch since she arose from her sleep, and she hadn't moved either when she heard the front door open, with familiar footsteps following.
Sesshomaru noticed how oddly silent the apartment was when he walked in. Usually, Kagura was playing music or doing some work, but no noise whatsoever echoed throughout the apartment. Sesshomaru removed his blazer, and set it on a nearby chair, slowly stepping towards the edge of the hallway, trying to listen for any noise. He slowly began to walk down the hallway, half-expecting to find something wrong.
Step, step, step, step.
Sesshomaru found a stiffened Kagura, staring blanking at the ground. A look of terror and fear had widened her still eyes. Her lips moved quietly, as if she was whispering something to herself. Sesshomaru knew she was having some kind of episode; she hadn't had one in a long while, but when they did happen, it hit Kagura like a train.
Her heart was racing. She felt so stiff, so scared to move. Every fear flew at her mind's will all at once, taking a life of its own. It's true. All of it is true. All I was given, that's all I'll have in the end. Hopeless, and battered. That's all I have.
The image that kept replaying itself like a film on repeat was the one where Kagura felt true fear: the morning she woke up and found her father trying to strangle her. The memory felt distant, yet all she could grasp from it fully was the terror she had felt. All the abuse she endured never left Kagura hopeless; she always willed herself to have the strength to escape someday, she knew if she fought enough, she'd be able to leave.
But, it was in that moment, with her father's hands around her neck, her body begging for air, did she truly see evil, and fear, for what it was.
Sesshomaru knew something was controlling Kagura; he knew her fear was trying to devour her. He walked slowly towards her, trying not to alarm her. She was still sitting cross legged and frozen. Slowly, he reached for her arm, trying to wake her from her state. "Kagura," He simply said, trying to pull her back from what was trying to swallow her.
Her lips stopped moving, she shifted her eyes from the table to meet golden orbs. Her heart dropped, and all her emotion came back to her, all at once. She felt every piece of sadness within her well up in her eyes. She felt shaky, so unsure. Sesshomaru did nothing else, but sit aside her on the couch, and pulled her into his arms, in a protective cradle. She moved with him, and let herself be held by oh-so-familiar arms, by the one who has had to hold her in the same situation many times before. And by the one who has always brought her home, to a new life, a life away from her father, and her fear. A life full of love, and hope, like she always hoped for.
"I'm here, right? I'm here with you, right now, on the couch," Kagura said, faintly, trying to make sure nothing was a dream.
Sesshomaru slowly stroked her hair, and pressed his lips against her forehead, planting a small, and surprising, kiss. "It's behind you, Kagura. And you're not there anymore," he told her, holding her small figure to himself. She nestled her face in his neck, and let herself feel the relief of her tears. She was here, and while she was crying, she could at least know her tears were a sign she was awake, and alive, in a new life.
Perhaps she had a long road to go before she could fully lay her past to rest, but she knew, that whatever happened, Sesshomaru would be there, and he'd hold her when she needed it most. Her heart, after all, needed to heal.