Loving Ghosts
April 2 2010
*Edward*
I couldn't bring myself to go. So I stood there, on the secluded hill overlooking the Forks cemetery watching all of the locals pay their respects' to someone they barely even knew... not like I knew her, at least. I saw my sister cling to the side of her boyfriend, Jasper, who happened to be my only remaining best friend as they both cried whole heartedly while Pastor Webber said a few final words to the crowd before people began lining up for their final goodbyes. I saw Alice bury her face deep within his chest trying to hold on to something, anything to push her past this grief, Jasper was not holding up so well himself, he had grown particularly close to Bell… her (I can't even bring myself to say her name anymore, what kind of a boyfriend am I?) this last year since he began dating her best friend, my sister, Alice. He had an iron grip on her and you could tell he was not letting go; I knew all too well that feeling. God I wish that could be me right now; I would hold her in my arms and make sure that nothing could ever happen to her; that's what I should have done that night. A bitter wind blows my hair out of my face but I don't even really notice. It's cold today and rainy, just like every other day in this miserable little town. It's the kind of rain that never gets any harder than a light drizzle but is just enough to get you completely soaked if you stay out here long enough. Despite being early April, I swear it could snow today. Wouldn't that just be Ironic though, she loved snow, and even though it didn't fall here much, she would get all excited and run outside and dance around when it did, and when her face lit up with the brightest, goofiest grin it would send shivers down my spine. She was so beautiful and I loved her more than I thought was even possible. Today, of all days, would be the worst possible day for it to snow, she couldn't enjoy it and neither would anybody else, not today. It's funny though; I used to find Forks quaint, charming, and full of friends and family. Don't get me wrong, we were ready to head out of this town and see the rest of what the world had to offer and all that crap; you just couldn't find that kind of experience in a small town; I still appreciated it none the less and knew that one day we would came back to a small town like our own to settle down. But now that she was gone, it held nothing for me. My eyes momentarily glanced over to her family sitting in the front row in folding chairs, wearing as much black as they possibly could it seemed. I had been purposely avoiding this view the whole time I had been up here; it was just too painful to watch. To see a family you have grown up with and loved crumble before your eyes is possibly the most sobering sight you will ever see. Emmet, her older brother looked to be so withdrawn that it was physically debilitating to watch, he was staring blankly at the intricate wooden casket in front of him as it was slowly lowered into the cold, sodden earth. The once exuberant and carefree boy I had known for most of my life no longer existed; he was right now an empty shell, devoid of life.
He took it the hardest right after the accident, punching walls, smashing up his car with his lucky baseball bat until nothing was left but splinters, and doing everything he possibly could to fight the pain off, but he couldn't fight the one person who he really wanted to and nothing he was doing was going to bring her back, nothing. That was when he shut off; he had barely even spoken a word to anyone in the week leading up to the funeral today. Being the overprotective big bear of a brother that he was, he felt personally responsible that his beautiful, caring, smart, all-around good, baby sister was gone forever. He was always supposed to protect her, but in his mind he had failed her. If he only knew how much I felt at fault for this. On his left sat Renee and Charlie Swan. Renee had flown all the way from Florida to be here, but right now I'm betting that she was wishing she was anywhere but here, after all, she hated Forks and being here for this particular occasion was probably only making it worse. She hugged herself tightly to Charlie in an act of condolence that transcended any ill will that they may have previously harbored towards each other. Mascara was running in long streaks down her face and she was clutching tissues in her right hand so hard I thought they might disintegrate from the sheer force. Charlie was a blubbering mess as he lamented her name over and over again, wondering why it had to have been her; I was wondering the same thing. I saw my parents along with half the school and various other town members, and in the back were about ten members of the Quileute tribe; they looked slightly out of place and uncomfortable, but they had a special bond with her and I'm sure they would miss her lively spirit and friendly demeanor. The Quileute kids would probably take it hard when they realized that she wasn't going to be there every Wednesday to tutor and read to them. Everybody rose to their feet and was standing in the line leading towards the casket, holding a flower or something sentimental that they wanted to give to her. Why did it matter though? She obviously wouldn't get to appreciate them from where she was. As I watched faces pass by, I couldn't help but think of her and how much of an impact she had made on so many lives in this town, especially on mine.
She had become sort of a local pride, she was always all smiles, she volunteered at the hospital with my father because she had told me that one day she had wanted to be a nurse, she had one of the highest GPA's in school and had been on the fast track to success. She was also the most beautiful creature I had ever set my eyes on, she was perfect in every way and everybody loved her, I loved her and I was proud to call her mine. But what does that mean now, abso-fucking-lutly nothing because she is gone forever. A dry sob escaped my chest but I sucked it in before I let it get the best of me. As they all walked past her grave throwing in their flowers and saying their last good byes my eyes glazed over. I knew I should have been down there with all of them, supporting my family and shedding tears with them, but I just couldn't handle it, I had literally no more tears to shed and I knew if I had to go down there and face them and her I would just collapse into a pitiful excuse for a man on the damp grass. No, I would not do that. Instead, I would patiently wait my turn up here, out of sight, until they had all left and I could go down and face her by myself, with no one to see what a mess I really was. Not that they all didn't already know it, if you had thought Emmet was bad, you should have seen me. I couldn't leave my room for three days and I contemplated just ending it right then and there multiple times but decided that I at least needed to say goodbye to her in person first, I owed her that much and I know she would have been disappointed in me if I had tried to kill myself. And right now, that thought was enough to cling on to in order to keep me alive, but unfortunately, also away from everything I loved and wanted; she was somewhere I could not go and that thought scared the shit out of me. Of course they tried to convince me that I should go with them to the funeral with promises of mutual support but I vehemently protested, knowing that I would just make everybody else feel worse and not better. As I bore witness to the pain on everyone's faces, only one person's name came to mind: Fucking James. He ruined everything; he stole her from this world and subsequently took my life and soul at the same time. Being paralyzed from the waist down and being stuck in prison for the next however many years of his life was not enough, nothing would ever be enough; I just wanted her back. He stole something so precious from this world, and for that he deserved to rot for the rest of his life and then die and continue to rot in his own personal hell. I wanted him to be haunted with the image of her face for eternity, hell knows I will be. I see her every time I close my eyes and every time I open them, she's at school waiting for me at my locker, she's at the library curled up in her corner reading, she's in my house… my room, and she's in my now worthless soul. Without her I don't even exist anymore, you might as well forget my name and who I was because I am nothing.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the rest of the public had said their good-byes and promptly left. As sad as all my classmates were acting now, I knew that in just a matter of days she would be forgotten and her name would be but a whisper in the hallways and a fading topic, just like her faded soul, blown out like a candle at night. I already knew of two parties going on in the next few weeks, and soon they would all be to shit-faced to remember who she was, let alone pretend to care for her. I only knew of a few people who actually really knew and cared for Bella, but eventually they would move on as well, and that's really too bad because Angela was such a sweet girl. She was one of the few decent ones in our school besides my sister and Bell… her, I would miss hanging out with her and the gang, but I knew it would never be the same again, especially with her being gone. Everyone knew this but the subject was never broached and it seemed like the loss of Bella was the undoing of the group. Every time we saw each other, it would just remind us of who we lost, so we just decided to avoid the uncomfortable situation and avoid each other as much as possible. Tearing myself away from my thoughts I realized that pretty much everyone was gone.
Now, all that was left of the original funeral crowd was her family and mine and a few boys from the Quileute tribe. They all conversed shortly and seemed to be quietly consoling each other, but then I heard a loud bellow that could only have come from Emmet. I glanced over to where he had flipped a row of folding chairs over and began screaming and ranting about something that obviously made everyone else there even more upset. Charlie was doing his best to try to calm down both Emmet and Renee who was weeping into her tissue again. Finally, Emmet stormed off in the direction of the cars and I saw a few tears trickle down his reddened cheeks. I had never believed I would see the day when 6'4, 200 lb-of-muscle, Emmet Swan would be crying, but right now I couldn't blame him. In fact I would be rather surprised if he wasn't crying. He loved her so much and they had such a strong connection that rarely occurs in siblings. Finally… finally I saw everyone else mummer a few last things to each other and then hug before heading separate ways towards their cars. This was what I had been waiting for, the time had come, but I couldn't even move my feet, or breathe for that matter.