Tenchi's True Thoughts

The cicadas chirped lazily, giving a rhythm for the summer air. The sky was clear with a dosage of humidity. The birds were singing, the sun was shining. All-in-all, a Beautiful Day in the Masaki Residence.
If Azaka and Kamidake were human, their eyes would have glistened and their chests would have swollen with pride as they surveyed their estate for the first time in yet another day. In the time that they were guardians, not one intruder had dared to trespass on the green hills, shrine, or carrot patch. The only thing they enjoyed more than their guardian duties was talking about the weather.
"Nice day, isn't it, Azaka?"
"It certainly is, Kamidake."
This conversation repeated itself several times daily, with only minor variants.
***
Tenchi leaned on his hoe and smiled at the way the sun bathed his plantation of carrots. Such was a moment that made Tenchi want to offer a comment to the air of his own infinite wisdom.
"Gee. It's a beautiful day."
He punctuated his statement firmly, then picked up the hoe and scraped the soil. Since the arrival of Aeka and Ryoko, he had spent more time at the carrot patch than at school. Or at least tried to.
Invisible fingers gripped at his shoulders. An obvious Tenchi stared off into space at the direction of the shrine.
"Tenchiiii," Ryoko moaned in her characteristic manner.
"Wow. Will you look at that," he answered, staring at the way the fine blue sky contrasted with his crops.
Ryoko let go of her "boyfriend" and simply stared at him for a moment, a weird look on her face. She hated to admit this, but her "boyfriend" could be quite boring.
***
After dinner, Tenchi decided to go down the path and sneak a last look his carrots. He shut the door quietly and walked down the path, almost to the point where Azaka and Kamidake kept their vigil.
"Nice night, Azaka."
"It is indeed, Kamidake."
Finally, a conversation that Tenchi could understand and want to participate in. The guardians were forced to watch the property at all times when they weren't helping Aeka blast Ryoko. It had never occurred to Tenchi, or anyone else, really, that the two of them could get bored with their duties or with only having each other for company. They grew silent as Tenchi sat down on the grass next to time. Tenchi knew they were probably doing so out of respect for their Lord Tenchi, but it made him uncomfortable nonetheless.
"This fine weather reminds me of last summer, when the chrysanthemums bloomed," remarked Tenchi.
"They were the most beautiful chrysanthemums ever," said Azaka.
"Their beauty was unparalleled," said Kamidake.
"That's what I just said, Kamidake."
Tenchi giggled. This was exactly the right sense of humor and conversation topic for him.
***
Ryoko turned over on Tenchi's bed. The only way she had been allowed to sit there is because lately Tenchi had been spending time out in the carrot patch, at school, or having long conversation about crop soil with Azaka and Kamidake. It worried her to see the boy she had watched all through his life isolate himself so. He didn't seem to have any friends that called or visited the Masaki residence. At school he had only that moronic Amagasaki homie, who was probably just as much of a loser as Tenchi. The Masaki girls were really the only people he interacted with, and now he was ignoring even them.
***
Ryoko de-materialized and materialized in the onsen, next to Aeka. Aeak was staring into the water with a cloth on her head, lost in thought.
"Hey, Princess."
"Miss Ryoko! You don't have to start bothering me only because Tenchi isn't paying any attention to you!"
Ryoko didn't have to retort, "Yeah, well Tenchi isn't exactly on speaking terms with you, either," before Aeka realized what she had just said.
"I don't understand," Aeka said quietly, "We give Tenchi all of our attention. What more could he ask for? Before, yes, he never encouraged us, but he at least he tried to be polite. What happened?"
Ryoko agreed. "All I know is that I am finally sick of being kept in limbo all the time. If he doesn't make up his mind . . ."
"There's no point in us staying around here," said Aeka.
***
Kamidake acknowledged his wooden counterpart with a glow of his "eye."
"I do not like our assignment, Azaka."
"But we must fulfill our mistresses's orders, Kamidake."
***
"So, what do you think of the fine Masaki residence ladies?" Azaka asked with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
"What about marrying one of of them? Specifically, our mistress Aeka?" asked Kamidake.
Tenchi was a bit caught off guard by their stark inquires. Of course, as he had gotten to know Azaka and Kamidake their conversation had gone beyond crops and the weather (well, at least not any more than 50% of the time), but part of the reason Tenchi had been spending so much time with them was to avoid that very topic.
"Oh, them," Tenchi waved his hand dismissively, "Frankly, I'd rather be married to one of you than one of them! Aeka? She was downright obsessed with my grandfather for seven hundred years! She's gotta have some serious problems. As soon as she realizes that that won't work out, she clings to me . . . the closest to Yosho she could get. And her polite act falls apart when I see how viciously she fights with Ryoko."
"Then it is Ryoko, then?" asked Kamidake.
"Ryoko . . . let's see . . . she claims to love me but she tries to rape me! More than once! And she still doesn't get it that the reason I want her to stay away from me is because one day, she might succeed. Not to mention all the property damage she causes with her squabbles with Aeka."
"You should tell that to them," said Azaka.
"You'd have a lot less trouble that way," said Kamidake.
"Aaarg! How could I do that!" yelped Tenchi. But he soon realized that Azaka and Kamidake did have a point. He smiled at the two wooden logs and thanked them for their advice.
***
"I've chosen," Tenchi announced.
Everyone put down their rice bowls, causing a series of clinks on the kitchen table. No one needed to even ask what he was talking about. He was answering the question that had been unspoken ever since Ryoko and Aeka had had their first squabble.
"Ooh, I'm glad to see you've finally come to your senses, Ten-chi," Ryoko purred, tracing her name on his chest. For the first time, Tenchi grabbed her wrists and pushed them away.
Aeka yelled, "Oh, Tenchi-sama!" and clasped her hands underneath her chin.
"I'm sorry, guys."
Their mouths dropped open. Ryoko looked as she had just been shot as Tenchi ran outside the door. He threw his arms around and kissed his new brides with as much passion as he could manage for two blocks of wood.

Author's Note: I wrote this Tenchi/Azaka and Kamidake fic just to see if it could be done. It's actually not that of a ridiculous pairing as it first seems. Both Tenchi and Azaka and Kamidake both are devoted to their work, like to talk about the weather, are polite, and are relatively boring. While of course no human could be attracted to blocks of wood, a Tenchi pairing with Azaka and Kamidake in their guardian form is not totally insane. Of course Tenchi does not hate the Masaki girls as he does in this fic, but he has given no indication in the OVA series of either wanting to pursue a relationship with or even being attracted to any of them!