WARNING: IF YOU'VE CLICKED, THEN PLEASE CONTINUE READING THIS LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE, FOR SKIPPING IT WILL RESULT IN LARGE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD LOSS…OR WILL JUST PREVENT YOU FROM UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING THAT COMES AFTER. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, TO UNDERSTAND AT ALL, PLEASE READ THE A/N!

THANK YOU for taking the time to read this!

From the Underpaid, Underprivileged, Under-appreciated Columnist:

Hey there, readers! By popular request, we've finally added a 'How To' and/or advice column to the Konoha Weekly. In fact, I am supposed to be in charge of this section of the newspaper, but because of a tragic mistake, I am now to be preoccupied once a week taking skydiving lessons, instead of the nice, safe, on-the-ground yoga lessons I was supposed to have. Damn distracting cute guys. So now I am forced to allow Naruto and his friends proofread the column before it gets put through. And when I say forced, I mean forced. *sweatdrops*.

Conversation between Naruto, Sasuke, and me:

"Please let us take over the column!"

"No."

"We'll do a great job! Believe it!"

"No."

"If you don't let the dobe have his way, and I need to listen to his incessant moaning for the next five minutes, I'm going to kill you."

"Okay, fine. But only if Naruto promises never to say that catchphrase ever again."

"I won't! Believe it!"

*Sounds of me smashing my head against the wall*

End Conversation

Well, as you can see, this column is now open to new readers. Send in your 'how to' questions or problems via reviews. If you actually want real advice, put RL at the end of your review. Otherwise, it will be treated as a point of amusement. And put which character you're directing it to, if any. There are no rules to what you may ask help for, as you may realize by reading our first column on the next page. Up to five questions may be submitted by one person for each chapter because if I have Naruto and the others working on this any longer, I may be pulled for employee abuse.

Conversation between Sasuke and me:

"There is also going to be a rule stating, "No fangirls allowed."

"Clearly, that is not going to happen, Sasuke, because if it did, Karin would already be dead."

"Damn."

"I'm sorry."

"Fine. Bring. It. On."

End Conversation

In another note, I claim to own none of the characters because clearly they are controlling me. God knows how Masashi keeps them in line all the time. Quite frankly, they can't do what they're told, which is why I'm expecting my column to be a mess and to be looking for a new job in the next week or so. Unfortunately, since my credentials aren't that great, due to the fact that I only have experience manipulating anime characters to my will, I'm expecting no job hereafter. According to my editor, the only way I will be allowed to keep my job is if I get positive reviews from the critics, so I'm hoping you readers won't throw me to the sharks. No, I didn't mean you Kisame, sit down. So please review with a full stomach and at least eight hours of sleep in advance. I find it really helps. A lot.

Lastly, I would like to say that Konoha Weekly is not held liable for side effects, including: lack of oxygen from laughing, people staring at you as if you are crazy for laughing while sitting in front of the computer, lack of sleep for staying up too late just to read my useless comments, stomach cramps from laughing too hard, bruises from falling of your chair in hysteria, and possibly death. Warning: These may be real threats to your health. Actually I'm not so sure about the last one, but I thought it might be the best to include it in case one of the Naruto characters decides to try and kill you after you make a derogatory comment against them in your review. Warning: Anime characters have feelings too…except for those two-dimensional ones that have no purpose in the story except to get in the way of the main plotline. And Mary Sues, who apparently are so perfect that nobody can hate them, which just makes everyone hate them.

Finally, I would like to say that none of these events are based on real life experiences and that feeling déjà vu may be the product of either a) you sent in a real life problem, b) I really am stalking you at this moment in time or c) you clearly stole Naruto's spoiled milk.

Additionally, nothing in my column is meant to be offensive to any one, but if it is blame Hinata. She may look sweet and innocent, but I have an inside source telling me that she is isn't at all and often changes my bland comments to inappropriate ones. And if at any point, you are, indeed, finding yourself to be offended by something: Run, do not walk, to the exit. Warning: May be harder than you think for there is in fact no exit in existence at the moment. The builders are still working on it, so watch out for falling rubble, bricks, and cute-as-hell kittens. Keep in mind, that I may be a compulsive liar and am not, in fact, taking skydiving lessons. Unless you're jealous. Then I most certainly am.

As a side note, to keep up morale in the newsroom, I would like all of you to pick who gave the best advice on the specified page. That way, we can name that page after that character! (Okay, seriously, I didn't have any other prize to give. This is like that whoo-you-won-but-it's-not-really-that-important consolation prize.) So make sure to drop the name of whoever gave funniest, bestest, made-you-worship-this-newsletter (jk) 'how to' advice in your review. Much appreciated.

I would also like to give my thanks to the original author of the 'Ask insert Naruto character name' columns for inspiring this column. The format of this column is based upon those series, and I am most certainly not stealing their idea. If I was, in fact, stealing the idea then I would like to point out that the whole thing was my editor's idea. And if anyone is thinking of suing me, well, I would like to point out the newspaper, Konoha Weekly, as much more money than me. I own less money than a hobo on the street.

Sincerely,

The Columnist of this Poorly Written Column

Questions? Comments? Concerns?

Call 867-5309 to speak to the idiot that paid more money than I have or will ever have for the right to have this number. If you do not know what number that is, go look it up.

Call 1-800-YOU-FAIL to get the dial tone to my phone for I currently am still trying to locate my nonexistent phone.

…just drop me a review or PM with your questions/comments/concerns