Title: The Dreams Inside
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Arthur/Merlin
Word Count: 10,000
Warnings: Angst
Summary: Arthur had always held back, not trusting himself. After all, he'd been in love with Merlin since he was eighteen years old—and Merlin had been with his sister. Now that Morgana was off the scene, could Arthur be blamed for taking his chance with Merlin?
Author's Notes: Written for merlin_holidays 2012.
Disclaimer: The characters depicted herein belong to Shine and BBC. I make no profit from this endeavour.
Prologue:
"You're to put a stop to this nonsense immediately," Uther instructed, staring down his nose at Arthur, arms folded, cold blue eyes narrowed to steely slits. "No daughter of mine is going to carry on with the son of a cleaner never mind an American. I don't care if the boy is in line for sainthood; he has no connections whatsoever and as such, is not a suitable match for Morgana."
Arthur fought the urge to roll his eyes. Uther Pendragon was the worst kind of snob. "I don't see what I'm supposed to do about it, Father. I haven't spoken to Morgana in months and she never listened to me anyway—and if she gets an inkling that I'm acting on your instructions she'll dig in deeper and be on her way to Vegas with this chap before you can say 'pre-nup'." God knew Morgana deserved some happiness after what she'd been through with her last relationship and as far as Arthur was concerned if she wanted this Mordred then she should have him.
"Put a stop to it. Pay him off—I'm willing to be extremely generous with the terms. Do whatever it takes; just make sure that you get rid of him," Uther said, retreating behind his desk and sitting down, turning his attention to his laptop to indicate that the conversation was over with and that he expected Arthur to comply. It just went to prove how little he knew his son if he actually thought Arthur was going to pay off Morgana's boyfriend!
Still, Arthur sighed and pushed himself up out of his chair. "I'll see what I can do," he lied, knowing it was futile to argue with his father when he was like this—which was most of the time. When he reached the door he hesitated as a notion struck him, cold tendrils creeping through his heart at the direction his thoughts had turned. Turning back around and saying, "Merlin Emrys…did you try to pay him off?"
His father didn't even have the grace to look guilty when he replied, "There was no need. I merely pointed out to Morgana that I would call in Merlin's father's debts should their relationship continue. The wretched man was in it up to his eyeballs."
"But you called them in anyway," Arthur pointed out, trying to control the anger that welled up in his chest at the revelation. "Balinor went bankrupt."
Uther raised an eyebrow and said, "So he did, but surely I cannot be held responsible for his other creditors actions when they became impatient."
Arthur just bet he couldn't. He gritted his teeth. "Goodbye, Father," he managed and slid through the door. Once outside he leant back against it for a moment, his eyes closed and his mind whirring with fury. When his father had called him in to the office on 'urgent business' the last thing he had expected was to be asked to dispense of Morgana's boyfriend. He wondered what he had done to earn such a task and why his father had chosen to admit that he'd done it before. Was his father testing him? It seemed unlikely.
It began to make a strange kind of sense now. Merlin's sudden disappearance from their lives just days before the wedding when Morgana had had a 'change of heart'…and poor old Balinor Emrys bankrupted at the whim of Uther Pendragon.
Did Uther really think that Arthur would simply accept this new knowledge he found himself in possession of and be happy about it? That Arthur would come between Morgana and the man she had found some happiness with?
He pushed back from the door and without bothering to return to his own office he headed for the lifts, jabbing the button for the ground floor with his knuckle. Once he escaped through the revolving doors to the building he reached into his inside pocket and retrieved his phone.
It took him nearly ten minutes of standing in front of the Pendragon building, phone in hand, staring down at it before he swiped it unlocked and, ignoring the photograph smiling out of the screen at him he selected the number he needed and waited for an answer.
Arthur was certain it was about to go to voicemail when a breathless voice answered, "Hello?"
Arthur took a deep breath. "Merlin, it's me. We need to talk."
()(:)()
When Merlin left, less than a week before he was due to marry Morgana—when Morgana had broken things off with him—a huge hole appeared in Arthur's chest. Or, rather, the hole that had already been there when his sister and his best friend had got together four years before, morphed into a new shape and an even more torturous pain. At least before that, Merlin had been in his life. With Merlin gone Arthur had really struggled to talk to Morgana, unable to understand why she had broken things off with Merlin—because she certainly hadn't told him the truth about Uther—whilst struggling with the feelings of both loss and relief that he wouldn't have to live his life out with Merlin as his brother-in-law, forever out of reach. Of course, he was just as out of Arthur's reach as he had ever been with Arthur having no idea where he had gone, but that was a new kind of hell. Merlin would make contact with him eventually, Arthur was certain; they had been friends since Arthur was fifteen. Not having him in his life wasn't an option, Merlin knew him better than anyone and vice versa.
Merlin had been fourteen when he'd moved in with his Uncle Gaius—Arthur's father's chauffeur and gardener—following Merlin's father's decision to leave the country to avoid his debts. It had been deemed more appropriate that Merlin stay in the country to study for his GCSEs rather than go with his father then. Merlin's mother had died a couple of years before when Merlin was twelve, and it had been at her funeral that Merlin had met Balinor for the first time and gone to live with him for a while.
Merlin and Arthur had hated each other on sight, Arthur resenting being instructed by his father to show Gaius' great-nephew around. He wasn't ababysitter, he'd huffed, and he certainly didn't want to be saddled with the new kid, and it had turned out, Merlin didn't want to be shown around and had made that perfectly clear to Arthur. Until suddenly, a few hours in, Merlin had made a self-deprecating joke—and Arthur had laughed despite himself, tensing when their eyes met and they both realised they were enjoying one another's company.
Merlin had eyes bluer than any Arthur had ever seen and ears that could take flight if only Merlin was able to waggle them fast enough. He was taller than Arthur already, skinny and one hundred percent angles and elbows. Arthur felt enormous next to him, shorter and stockier and altogether wider. He hadn't thought Merlin beautiful then, not like that, not really, but there had been something about him that had kept Arthur going back time after time, despite having other—cooler—friends at school.
Arthur had gone to a private school, an expensive and highly sought after day school for those with the money to afford it; Merlin was enrolled in the local comprehensive in the nearest town and would get picked from the bus stop at the end of the Pendragon drive every morning at a quarter past eight.
Despite those differences they had soon become best friends. Morgana had come back from boarding school in the summer and laughed at Arthur for 'taking up' with the chauffeur's nephew, as she mocked everything Arthur did those days. Until she'd seen Arthur's face and said, 'Oh my God, you really do like the kid,' and her face had softened and she'd kissed his cheek. 'I promise I'll give him a chance if you think so highly of him.' From Morgana that was a rare compliment. Of course, back then, Arthur hadn't realised how those words would come back and bite him in the arse. How could he have? Fourteen year old Morgana's taste in boys ran to older, muscled rugby player types that she could easily boss around. When she'd fallen for Merlin she'd broken the mould and Arthur hadn't seen it coming.
After the wedding that never was, Arthur threw himself into his work, rarely leaving the office before ten, finding himself dumped by Sophia who complained that Arthur loved his job more than he loved her. Arthur hadn't cared; he'd almost forgotten he was supposed to have a girlfriend. Sophia was only one in a long line of lovers he'd taken over the years, none of whom lasted longer than a few weeks and none of whom meant anything to him, all replaceable, forgettable and interchangeable faces.
He missed Merlin with an actual physical pain. It took him three months without a word before he cracked, swallowed his pride and rang Lancelot only to find that Merlin was staying in Lance and Gwen's spare room and had been since the day he'd vanished. "Took you long enough," Lance had said accusingly and Arthur hadn't argued. Merlin had met Lance at the local school and he'd always been Merlin's 'other' best friend. Things had always been tense between Arthur and Lance, made worse when Arthur had dated Gwen—read slotted her into the vacant position of lover—and that had forced Lance to man up and do something about his feelings for her. "Merlin was convinced you'd want nothing else to do with him."
"Can I come over?" Arthur had said, and within two hours he was sitting at Gwen and Lance's kitchen table, nursing a cooling cup of coffee, opposite a fidgeting Merlin who couldn't quite meet his eyes. "What's this Lance says about me wanting nothing to do with you?"
Merlin did meet his gaze then. Surprise and confusion seemed to be his primary emotions. "I—Morgana—I just thought that…" He tailed off and shrugged his shoulders, rolling them before rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "I guess from the fact that you're here and you're asking that that's not the case?" He smiled tentatively then and Arthur's heart leapt into his throat. God, it was good to see him.
"You always were an idiot, Merlin," Arthur said, itching to reach across the table to take Merlin's hand. "I'm pleased to see that hasn't changed."
"Give me a chance; it's only been three months!" Their eyes locked and they both burst into laughter. Arthur felt the weight of the world lift from his shoulders.
"Come here," he said, standing and despite his words, going to Merlin around the table. Merlin stood and Arthur pulled him into a hug. "I was so fucking worried." He wrapped his arms around Merlin's slimmer frame and held on tight. It wasn't often they did this, in fact Arthur could count on one hand the hugs they'd shared. He'd always held back, not trusting himself, after all, he'd been in love with Merlin—at least he'd admitted he'd been in love with Merlin—since he was eighteen years old.
They stayed like that, locked in an embrace for what felt like forever, but Arthur couldn't let go. It took a polite cough from the doorway to pull them apart. Gwen stood there, smiling, one eyebrow raised. "Don't mind me boys," she teased. "I was just wondering if either of you wanted to join me and Lance with a takeaway?"
Arthur glanced at Merlin to gauge whether his presence would be welcome and received an awkward nod before Merlin broke eye contact and folded his arms in front of his chest. "What sort of takeaway?" Arthur asked Gwen, deciding that wild horses couldn't drag him away from Merlin so soon after finding him again.
()(:)()
A couple of weeks after their reunion Merlin moved into Arthur's spare room. Once he'd heard that Morgana had gone travelling to 'find herself' and that it was unlikely that she would be turning up anytime soon, Merlin's whole demeanour had changed and it hadn't taken Arthur long to persuade him to move in. Selfishly he wanted Merlin where he could see him.
Merlin had made it clear that first day that talking about Morgana was off the table and Arthur was more than happy to respect that. He loved his sister, but he wanted to discuss her and Merlin's relationship less than Merlin did. It was bad enough he'd had to bear witness to it for so many years with a smile pasted on his face, his heart heavy.
Living with Merlin under his roof was nothing short of torture, kind of a pleasurable pain. Having Merlin close by was what he needed—not being able to touch was the hell. Merlin had no qualms about walking around in his boxers or just in a towel, leaving Arthur aching with want at the sight of him. He would happily touch Arthur, nothing intimate, just casual nudges and accidental contacts that would send Arthur's pulse through the roof.
Night after night Arthur lay in his bed stroking himself to completion imagining Merlin's lips around his cock, or that he was fucking Merlin, that Merlin was fucking him. He hadn't had actual honest real life sex since Sophia he was beginning to think he never would again.
He had to do something about it, he couldn't go on like he was, he knew that. The problem was, how does one broach the subject? How about, "Merlin, I know we've been friends since we were teenagers, but I just wanted to tell you that I've been in love with you most of that time—yep—including the four years you were with my sister. Just sayin'," or maybe a simple, "Merlin, I'm in love with you and have been for years."
He was utterly fucked.
()(:)()
"I don't suppose you fancy going out tonight?" Merlin asked when Arthur arrived home from work one Friday night a few weeks after he'd moved in. "I feel like all I do is work, study, eat and sleep at the moment—and you're no better. I must be cramping your style."
The last thing Arthur felt like doing after the week he'd had at work was going out anywhere other than perhaps down to the local Tesco Express to pick up a bottle of wine and a huge bag of Doritos, but the hopeful expression on Merlin's face twisted his gut and he said, "Where did you have in mind?"
"I don't know—somewhere with music so we can dance. Finbar's?" Merlin named a nearby Irish bar known for its live music and real ales. Much as Arthur didn't feel like going out, Finbar's was the lesser of the possible evils Merlin could have suggested.
"Why not?" Arthur agreed, shelving all plans for a night on the sofa. "As long as we can grab some food on the way because we've got nothing in and I'm starving."
"Sounds like a plan," Merlin said with a grin. "I'll go and get changed."
Arthur watched him go, trying not to admire the sway of his hips and the curve of his arse in the jeans he was already wearing. Trying—and failing miserably. "You're your own worst enemy," he muttered to himself and headed for his bedroom to get out of his suit and into the shower before changing into jeans and a shirt.
When he made his way back to the living room once he was ready Merlin was already there in an even tighter pair of black jeans that hugged his thighs just right and a royal blue t-shirt with the words 'It's a trap' written on the front in white. Arthur rolled his eyes. Merlin was just as obsessed with Star Wars now at the age of twenty-two as he had been when he was a teenager. His traitorous brain helpfully supplied him with, 'It's a honey trap,' forcing him to make a fuss about locating his wallet as a distraction even though he knew full well he'd left it in his coat pocket.
"What's the matter with you lately?" Merlin asked when Arthur finally 'remembered' where his wallet was. "You're always distracted, there's this lookthat appears on your face at least twice a day—you've been single for too long, is that it?"
"I—no. I've just got a lot on my mind with work, that's all," Arthur lied, cursing himself for being so transparent. He didn't think Merlin had noticed anything was wrong. Arthur had survived years of Merlin being his sister's boyfriend and the special hell that had been, why was it all falling apart now?
'Because Merlin wasn't available then, and he is now,' said the damned voice in his head. 'Because in all that time you never stopped loving and wanting him even though you knew you couldn't have him.'
"Hmm, if you say so," Merlin said, elbowing Arthur affectionately as he passed him to open the front door. "I just think you need to get laid."
'You have no idea,' said Arthur's subconscious as he grabbed his keys and followed Merlin out of the house. Arthur wanted to batter his head against the door frame. Instead he said, "Maybe," and hoped the subject was closed.
()(:)()
Finbar's was rammed as it always was at the weekend. On the tiny stage in the corner a four piece band played and the crowd nearby swayed in time with the beat. "I'll get them in," Merlin shouted over the noise and pushed towards the bar, leaving Arthur to scan the room in the search of familiar faces. He didn't have to look for long.
"Gwaine!" he called when he spotted his friend a few feet away, never more pleased to see him than right now. He just didn't want it to be him and Merlin alone all night, which he knew was ridiculous considering they spent most evenings at home together, watching television, reading, talking, playing the Wii—just being. Being out with him tonight though, Arthur felt as though he'd reached an invisible line and at any moment he could stumble over it and ruin everything.
"Alright, Arthur, how's it going?" Gwaine said as Arthur drew near, wrapping an arm around him in an easy hug of the type that came so easy to Gwaine, that Arthur was happy to receive but reluctantly awkward to instigate with others. Gwaine indicated to the man standing beside him, "This here's Percy, he's not long moved down from Manchester. Leon's here somewhere trying to chat up Elena Godric…again."
Arthur looked up, and up even further, meeting Percy's friendly gaze and beaming smile with one of his own. "Nice to meet you," he said, holding out a hand that Percy took immediately. "What brings you to London?"
"Just work," Percy said. "I was lucky enough to be offered a junior role at the British Museum in the restoration department. The money's shit but it's what I always wanted to do and hopefully it will lead onto bigger things."
"Just wait till you meet Merlin, he's even more of a history dork than you are, Perce," Gwaine said, glancing around him as though he expected Merlin to appear out of thin air. He lowered his voice and leant into Arthur, "How is he after…you know?"
"He seems fine," Arthur said, keeping his own voice low to complement Gwaine's. "He won't talk about it though, so—" Arthur shrugged, feeling guilty at even discussing the subject in Merlin's absence.
"Poor bloke," Gwaine said with a frown. "Those two always seemed the perfect couple—at least they were to look at—even if I never quite bought it. I often wondered what it'd be like to get in the middle of all that pale skin and dark hair…" he coughed, glancing at Arthur guiltily. "Sorry mate, I shouldn't talk about your sister like that."
Arthur forced a smile all the while thinking 'you shouldn't talk about Merlin like that.'
"Hey, Gwaine!" Merlin actually did appear then, handing Arthur a pint of Guinness and falling straight into an embrace with Gwaine. "I was hoping you'd be here tonight—Arthur's bound to be a stick in the mud later and refuse to dance with me, but I know you never say no!" He beamed at Gwaine, a smile so bright that it lit up his whole face and tore Arthur in two with jealousy. It had been an age since Merlin had smiled at him like that. Almost immediately Arthur wished he'd refused to go out and was sitting at home with a bottle of Chardonnay and some salty snacks.
"Don't look so worried, Arthur," Percy said, a huge hand appearing on Arthur's shoulder. "I'll keep you company if they disappear." He winked then and Arthur swallowed, suddenly hyper aware of Percy's touch and the intention in his eyes. He was a good looking bloke, and it had been a long time since he'd been with a man… He didn't really want anyone who wasn't Merlin, but maybe he did need to get laid. Distracting himself with sex with other people had always worked for him before, helped keep him sane when he was burning up with hurt at seeing Merlin with Morgana.
"Well, if you put it like that," Arthur flirted back, "Let's hope there's a lot of dancing tonight." So there it was, an understanding that Arthur might well be up for something if the evening went their way. Arthur smiled and turned his attention back to Merlin and Gwaine, finding Merlin glaring at him, his cheeks flushed, and Gwaine frowning. "What?" Arthur said, taking a sip of his pint and scanning the room again, trying to ignore the twinge of discomfort his own actions were giving him.
"I'm just gonna go and say hello to Leon and Elena," Merlin said, vanishing backwards into the crowd.
"You're an idiot, Pendragon," Gwaine said as soon as he had gone. "Why don't you ever learn?"
"Learn what exactly, Gwaine?"
"Arthur, my friend, if you don't know by now then I'm certainly not going to enlighten you." Gwaine held up his pint glass in silent acknowledgement, downed the last dregs in one gulp and said, "I'm going for a refill," and followed Merlin into the crowd leaving Arthur staring after him in confusion.
Gritting his teeth Arthur stared down into his own pint glass. What was everyone's problem?
"So, Arthur, what do you do for a living?" Percy asked and Arthur took a deep breath, forced a smile and looked up into kind brown eyes to formulate his reply.
()(:)()
A couple of hours and two pints later Arthur couldn't stand watching Merlin swaying in Gwaine's arms for a moment longer and depositing his pint glass on a nearby table he said, "I'll be back in a bit," and barrelled through the sea of people to the exit, collapsing on an empty picnic bench in the empty beer garden and banging his head against the splintered wood of the table top. Percy had been making it clear he'd like to take Arthur home with him and Arthur was torn. "Fuck," he muttered, covering his head with his hands. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck."
"Arthur, are you alright?" A warm hand landed on his shoulder.
"I'm fine, Percy, I just needed some fresh air." And to get away from having to watch Merlin in the arms of someone else. Again.
"Do you want to get out of here?"
Arthur made up his mind. "Yes—but alone." He felt the hand lift off his shoulder.
"I figured."
Arthur opened his mouth to ask how before deciding he didn't want to know. The whole evening had been horribly surreal and he wasn't thinking straight. He was overtired and so bloody confused about his feelings and what to do about them that his head was spinning as though he'd drunk thirteen pints and not three. Instead he said, "I'm sorry," and pushed himself to his feet. "Some other time maybe, when I'm more compos mentis. Tonight is not my night."
Percy smiled ruefully. "Fair enough."
"I'll just go back inside and tell Merlin I'm leaving," he said, hoping he'd catch him when he wasn't leaning back against Gwaine's chest as he had been when Arthur had left, Gwaine's arms wrapped casually around his waist.
"No need," Percy said gently. "He's gone back to Gwaine's. He told me to tell you he'll see you tomorrow."
Right. Back to Gwaine's. Perhaps Gwaine was finally going to be able to acquaint himself with 'all that pale skin and dark hair' from one half of his fantasy sandwich. Arthur was almost tempted to tell Percy he'd changed his mind, that yes he would love to get out of there, back to Percy's where he would sit on his cock until daybreak and not give a single thought to what Merlin was doing, but tempting though that was, he couldn't do it.
"Thanks, Percy," he said, rubbing his eyes wearily. "I'll see you next time though, yeah?"
"Next time," Percy nodded.
Arthur walked home the long way, mentally plotting how many units of alcohol he had in the flat and if it were enough to knock him out for the rest of the night.
()(:)()
Arthur was woken in the early hours by a loud bang followed by an over loud, "Shhhh!" and a drunken snort that was very obviously Merlin. The front door slammed and there were footsteps winding their way into the living room where Arthur had nodded off on the sofa, not half as drunk as he would've liked, in fact, barely drunk at all seeing as there hadn't actually been all that much alcohol in the flat.
"Merlin?" he called out, swinging his legs to the floor and rubbing his eyes.
Merlin appeared in the doorway, blinking rapidly at the light from the lamp Arthur hadn't got around to turning off. "What are you doing there?" he asked, stepping forward and glancing around hastily before turning his attention back to Arthur. "Where's Percy?"
"I don't know, at home probably, nothing happened there," Arthur said, rubbing his eyes. Then he remembered Merlin going home with Gwaine. "Gwaine kick you out once he'd had his way did he?" Jesus fuck, he knew he sounded like a jealous twat, but he supposed that that was exactly what he was.
Merlin closed the door behind him and stepped fully into the room. "Gwaine—? What the hell is your problem, Arthur?"
Arthur couldn't do this now. "Forget it," he said, pushing himself to his feet and hoping he could make it to his room before Merlin gathered his wits.
"No, I won't bloody forget it!" Merlin shouted, making Arthur jump. He lowered his voice. "I only went to Gwaine's because I thought you were bringing Percy back here and I couldn't face having to listen to—to—you know! I thought it'd be safe to come back now as the prospect of Gwaine's lumpy sofa compared to my bed here…and you're acting like an over protective—"
Arthur swallowed. Fantasies of ripping Gwaine's head off and sticking it on a pole were currently featuring highly in his confused brain. "Don't be—"
"Is this about Morgana? Because if it is, I promise you that is well and truly over and my sharing a bit of a snog with Gwaine O-bloody-Riley isn't going make the blindest bit of difference! It wasn't even a snog really. I mean I thought about it but I couldn't make myself because— Just…Arthur, I know you love Morgana and you're angry with me because it all ended in a huge shit storm and Morgana has gone off who knows where, but it happened and I can't change it so—!"
Snog with Gwaine. Snog with Gwaine. Snog with Gwaine. "You snogged Gwaine?"
"Did you even listen to what I just said?" Merlin stepped forwards. "And what if I did? Talk about double standards! You've fucked anything that moved since you learnt what to do with your dick—and I can't kiss someone? I've only ever been with two people my whole life, I thought you knew that!"
Merlin was close now, almost toe to toe with Arthur and Arthur could smell the shampoo from his hair and the vaguely spicy scent that had always been just Merlin. His blue eyes had turned black with fury and his breathing was shallow, each pull of air arresting his whole body and God, Arthur wanted him in that moment more than he had ever wanted him before—and that was some feat because Arthur had wanted Merlin for as long as he could remember. He felt himself swaying forwards, his eyes locked on Merlin's lips like they were the centre of his existence.
Only Merlin got there first, leaning in and placing his hands flat on Arthur's chest and kissing him, a bruising press of his lips against Arthur's, pushing his way inside with a force that both surprised and excited Arthur and with a shove and strength that belied his slenderness, Merlin pushed Arthur back onto the sofa and immediately straddled him.
It wasn't like the last time—their one and only time—which had been awkward and uncertain like most first times were, with elbows in ribs and teeth in places they shouldn't be. Back then the amazing thing about that experience had been that it had been them, that it had been Merlin he'd eventually sunk into, Merlin who had whimpered his name and wrapped his legs around the small of Arthur's back and exploded first, covering Arthur in white hot streams of his come, tipping Arthur over the edge, Merlin's name on his lips even as his head whirred with unspoken words like 'I love you' and 'never leave me' warring with the sense of panic that threatened to overwhelm him. Too many damned feelings!
No, this time was perfect, at least in Arthur's head. It was the culmination of so much frustration and want that had them both tearing at each other's clothes like the world was about to end, Arthur lifting a now naked Merlin and backing him into the wall, then the bedroom door and finally onto the bed where he could lean over to the bedside table and find the condoms and lube—because there was no way he was breaking physical contact to find them—kissing non-stop, hands everywhere, chasing a wet path down Merlin's chest and finally taking his cock in his mouth and nearly coming just from the taste of him. Knowing that the only way to stave off imminent orgasm was for Merlin to fuck him because the shock of penetration would take the edge off the need to come for long enough that he didn't show himself up. Lifting his legs apart so that Merlin could tongue his hole, his long fingers wrapped around the base of Arthur's cock as he did so, delaying the inevitable. Pressing the heels of his feet to Merlin's shoulders as Merlin finally pushed inside, their eyes never leaving the other's as they moved together towards the culmination of all the weeks of awareness…all the years.
When it was over they curled into each other, Arthur pulling the duvet over them and wrapping his arms around Merlin. He was never letting him go again.
()(:)()
It was only a few weeks later that Arthur stood shivering in the cold December air, his finger hovering over the 'call' button on his phone, trying to convince himself that the shaking was because of the drop in temperature and the frost in the air and not from the sick feeling and the unexpected nerves he felt at making the call. He didn't have a choice really, did he? He could let Merlin carry on in ignorance and let the spectre of Uther's behaviour hang over his head and corrode his relationship with the man he loved and potentially lose him anyway. This was a case of ripping off the plaster and getting the pain out of the way.
"Merlin, it's me. We need to talk."
"That sounds ominous, Arthur," Merlin's disembodied voice said through the speaker. "Should I be worried? Cos if you're going to dump me just tell me now and save me the wait." His tone was teasing, but Arthur knew Merlin well enough to know that there was a real edge of worry there.
"Of course I'm not going to dump you, you idiot," he replied, even as his heart pounded in his chest at the knowledge that once Merlin heard what he had to say Arthur might be the one finding himself out in the cold. "I'm heading home now—I just wanted to make sure you'll be there."
"I've got a few things to tie up but I should be back by six." Arthur could hear the tension in the air crackling over the line. "Arthur—you're worrying me, is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine. I'll see you soon," Arthur said and quickly ended the call before Merlin could say anything else. He shoved the phone into his inside pocket and hailed a taxi. He wasn't in the mood for driving, his car would be fine overnight in the building car park. He needed to think.
He gave the driver his address and stared unseeingly out of the window for a good ten minutes before reaching for his phone and calling a number he hadn't used in a long time.
Morgana.
()(:)()
After that night Merlin had moved into Arthur's bedroom. It was like the floodgates had opened and they couldn't keep their hands off each other. There probably wasn't a surface in Arthur's flat that they hadn't fucked on, and that included all three walls of the lift, the lift's floor and it's sliding doors, and Arthur's favourite place, the balcony, where Merlin had bent him over the railings and fucked him slowly, both fully clothed apart from the essentials, one arm wrapped around his chest and his face buried in his neck as they both enjoyed the view of London below.
Arthur had returned the favour a couple of weeks later, sitting Merlin on the balustrade, his legs wrapped around his waist as he'd pounded into him. It had been that moment that he'd known; really known for certain that Merlin really was it for him. Yes, he'd pined for years and yes he'd known he loved Merlin, but actually having him in his bed and in his arms every day had confirmed what he'd already been certain of.
Now he could lose it all. If Morgana had been coerced into breaking things off Merlin by their father—and Arthur could see it all happening now, Morgana would have sacrificed herself for Merlin because she loved him—then it meant that she probably still loved him and that they'd been torn apart for no reason and once Merlin knew about it then it could be fixed. Morgana and Merlin could pick up where they left off. They loved one another. They were the perfect couple, everyone had said so.
Merlin still didn't talk about what had happened between himself and Morgana, but neither did he and Arthur talk about their relationship and what they were to one another. Arthur knew how he felt, always had, but he never told Merlin that he loved him—he'd never told anyone those three words because Merlin had always had his heart—and he couldn't tell Merlin because he just didn't know how Merlin felt.
After all, Merlin had been his once before—that one time on Merlin's seventeenth birthday when everything had fallen into place and Merlin had lost his virginity to Arthur—but Merlin had chosen Morgana over him. Arthur had come back from uni that Christmas a few weeks later to find Merlin and Morgana a couple and that what had happened between them had been swept under the carpet never to be mentioned again. Merlin saying he'd only ever been with two people had been the only acknowledgment of their 'thing' Arthur had heard pass Merlin's lips. They never discussed it even now.
He should be selfish about this, he wanted to be, but he had to let Merlin choose. Merlin had to be with him because it was him that he wanted and not because Uther Pendragon had blackmailed his fiancé into breaking up with him and by default had left Arthur to pick up the pieces.
If only Uther knew that Arthur was with Merlin now. He'd played his trump card there already with Morgana and it didn't matter anymore, Balinor had lost all of his money anyway and there was nothing to barter with now.
Arthur poured himself a double shot of whisky and sat down at the kitchen table to wait for Merlin to come home. He should have time to tell him what he'd found out before Morgana arrived. Apparently she'd been back in England since last week and had wanted to get in touch but hadn't because of Merlin. It would be awkward, she'd said, and Arthur couldn't argue there, but, he'd replied, she was still his sister and he loved her. He'd heard the tears in her voice when she'd hung up.
He was doing the right thing.
He had to believe that.
()(:)()
Merlin arrived just before six, chewing his lower lip in a clear show of nerves.
"Tea or whisky?" Arthur asked and Merlin glanced at the bottle on the table and at Arthur's empty glass and replied that he'd like some tea. Arthur put the kettle on and made a show of putting a tea bag in a mug and getting the milk from the fridge.
"No more prevaricating, tell me," Merlin said, sitting at the table and accepting the finished cup of tea after watching Arthur prepare it in the uncomfortable silence that Arthur just didn't know how to break without blurting out everything. When he'd spoken to Merlin on the phone he'd tried to sound unconcerned, like there really was nothing wrong and that Merlin shouldn't worry.
Arthur sat down opposite Merlin and reached for his hand, changing his mind half way and pulling his hand back and tucking it between his legs. The same hand that had spread Merlin open just that morning before they'd both crawled out of bed to start their day…possibly for the last time. A lump rose in this throat at the hurt expression on Merlin's face and he coughed. "I had a meeting with my father today," he said finally. He kept his eyes focussed on Merlin's face. "Morgana's got a new boyfriend."
"Is that what this is about? Morgana and I—I already—" Merlin began but Arthur held up his hand and Merlin halted.
"I need to tell you this before I lose my nerve," Arthur stated and took a deep breath. "My father asked me to pay the new chap off. Apparently he's unsuitable due to being American and poor or some such nonsense. Anyway, it got me thinking and I asked him if he'd tried that with you and he told me he didn't need to, that he'd told Morgana he'd call in Balinor's debts if she went through with the wedding and put pressure on her to call it all off."
Merlin's cheeks flushed red. "Arthur—"
"Let me finish, please, Merlin," Arthur interrupted. He had to say what he'd planned to say before he bottled it completely. He felt sick. What if this was it? "So she broke it off with you to protect you because she loved you too much not to. I called her; she'll be here in a while. It doesn't matter now, Balinor lost the money anyway and there's nothing my father can do to keep you apart now." The words flew from his lips so fast he had to take a breath when he'd finished.
Merlin's face lost all colour, going from angry red to paper white in seconds, his eyes wide in his face as he stared at Arthur with disbelief and hurt in his eyes.
Arthur pressed forward. "You can pick up where you left off, if that's what want." But I really really hope you don't want, that you choose me.
Merlin reached for the bottle of whisky, uncapped it and took a swig. "Thank you for telling me where I stand," he said in an unnaturally calm voice. "As it happens I knew Morgana was back. We met for lunch today. Your father needn't worry; she's broken it off with Mordred anyway. I was going to tell you about it tonight. I thought maybe you'd found out when you called me earlier and you—You know what? It doesn't matter what I thought, does it?"
He stood then, shoving his chair back under the table with a roaring scrape of wood against flagstone. To Arthur it seemed as though Merlin was moving in slow motion. He couldn't move fast enough when Merlin headed for the door passed through to the hallway. Arthur was behind him but his feet felt like lead. Merlin pulled open the front door and there was Morgana, hand raised with a key in it. Arthur had forgotten that she still had the key to his flat.
"That's good timing," she said with a smile, and all Arthur could see was her long dark hair shining in the hallway light, the glow of her skin and her happy smile fading to a frown. "What's wrong?"
Merlin glanced at Arthur then away again so fast that Arthur almost thought he'd imagined it. "Arthur's just told me about your father blackmailing you to break it off with me. Is it true?"
Morgana didn't as much as flinch. "It's true," she confirmed.
"He thinks we'd still be together if that hadn't happened."
Arthur watched, his heart breaking into tiny pieces as his sister and his lover—no, former lover—conversed without words before Morgana broke eye contact and glanced at Arthur briefly and back to Merlin before saying, her voice rasping, "You know I still love you."
"Then let's go back to yours and sort this out," Merlin said. He turned to Arthur but didn't meet his eyes. "You don't mind do you, Arthur? You did say that Morgana and I should pick up where we left off."
"Arthur?" Morgana moved past Merlin and placed a hand on his arm. "Is that what you want?"
Of course it wasn't what he fucking wanted! But what choice did he have? Merlin had made it more than clear where he wanted to be. "It doesn't matter to me," he lied. "You two obviously have things to sort out."
Morgana's pale green eyes bore into him for a long moment before she finally nodded and said, "I'll be in touch tomorrow," smiled sadly and took Merlin's hand. "Come on. We've got a lot to talk about haven't we?"
Merlin nodded and then they were gone and Arthur was left standing in his hallway wondering what the hell just happened.
Merlin had chosen Morgana without as much as batting his eyelids.
Merlin had chosen Morgana.
Merlin had left him.
()(:)()
Arthur didn't leave the flat for three days. Neither did he answer the door or his phone. It was only the pressing need to pee that had him moving from the sofa where he had been lying starting blindly at the ceiling in between fitful bouts of sleep.
His only mistake was forgetting, yet again, that Morgana had a key to the flat. Because of course she gave up trying to call him and let herself in, finding him in his pyjama bottoms and nothing else, and sitting knees to chin in the huge armchair by the fireplace. The fire was not on and neither was the heating.
"Well, don't you look lovely," she said and wrinkled her nose. "And smell lovely too."
Arthur glared at her briefly before turning his attention to staring into the cold fire grate. "What do you want?" he asked, hating her in that moment, sister or no. She'd taken Merlin again.
"To talk to you, obviously," she said. "But you're having a shower first. You'll feel better and it will clear your head."
"You can't just show up and start bossing me around! We're not teenagers anymore."
Morgana just folded her arms and raised an eyebrow and Arthur knew further protests were fruitless. "Fine," he huffed, stumbling to his feet and heading for the bathroom. "You can make some coffee whilst I'm in there, make yourself useful."
Morgana followed his progress across the room with a satisfied smirk. "I intend to, don't you worry about that," she confirmed. "And I'm putting the heating on—it's freezing in here."
Arthur closed the bathroom door behind him and leant back against it. He knew that this conversation was necessary. He knew that; but God, he didn't want to have it. He didn't want to hear from her lips that she and Merlin were back together. He didn't want the awkwardness that would come with the discussion, the part where they both acknowledged that Arthur had jumped straight in there with Merlin the moment she was off the scene, or as near to as he'd been able. Even though Merlin had made the first move, Arthur would have made his own eventually. His old bitterness at Morgana stealing Merlin from him all those years ago after their one night together was bound to resurface—he'd kept it buried all these years, never acknowledging it, never letting her know how many times he's fantasised about her demise so he could have Merlin to himself.
He took his time in the shower, heading straight for his bedroom afterwards and throwing on jeans and a jumper. Merlin's things were still everywhere and he couldn't face being in there any longer than he had to.
In the kitchen Morgana had made a pot of coffee and when Arthur appeared she pushed a plate of toast towards him. "You look like you haven't eaten in weeks," she said. She poured him a black coffee and placed it in front of him and Arthur's stomach rumbled.
He reached for the toast with a reluctant, "Thanks."
Morgana watched in silence as he ate. "You know watching someone eat that intently is sort of creepy?" he commented when he'd eaten both slices and had washed them down with a couple of swigs of coffee.
"Just making sure you do as you are told," she said, leaning back and tilting her head. "Besides, I need you fully alert for this conversation."
Arthur pushed the plate away. "What's to converse about? You're back with Merlin. I'm never going to apologise for the last few months even if I probably should. I can't. So whatever recriminations you want to throw at me about stealing him or whatever are going to be pointless, so don't bother." He couldn't look at her as he spoke. "You win."
He heard her give a short laugh before jumping out of his skin when she slammed a hand onto the table. "Merlin's not a bloody competition prize you moron!" Arthur had to look at her then. Her green eyes had darkened to furious slits and her pale cheeks had a rare flush to them. She took a deep breath when their eyes met and said, "I love Merlin. I have you to thank for that you know, for forcing me to look beyond Uther's snobbish conditioning to see the person he was underneath. The more I got to know him the more I wanted to marry him, have his babies and spend the rest of my life with him."
Arthur thought he might be sick. He gripped the edge of the table tightly, his knuckles white, determined not to let her see how much her words were hurting him. "I wish you both every happiness," he managed, and in many ways that was true. He wanted Merlin to be happy—he loved him. Morgana too. Even if it did stick in his throat.
"Merlin doesn't want me, Arthur—he loves me, I know that, but he's not in love with me. He never was, I know that now. It's always been you for him."
Arthur snorted. "Don't be ridiculous."
"It's true. He told me that it was you who was his first when we first got together. He'd told me that you hadn't wanted a repeat, hadn't been in touch. He tried to play it down but I knew—" She laughed again. "I got him on the rebound and I should have waited but I was so under his spell that I didn't even care that it was you."
Arthur frowned. Rebound. No repeats, not getting in touch…
"Why didn't you hold onto him, Arthur? You had him in the palm of your hand and you let him go."
Arthur's head spun. Merlin had been his best friend; of course he'd been in touch with him after that night.
Hadn't he?
"I don't know," he said, how brows pulling together as he tried to think back. What did it matter now anyway? He'd blown it for a second time.
Morgana slid her hand over Arthur's. "Listen to me, because I'm only going to say this once and this isn't easy for me when part of me wants to pull your fingernails out one by one and the other part wants to hug you because you're my big brother and despite this mess I love you and I want you—and Merlin—to be happy."
Arthur swallowed. "I'm listening."
"When Uther tried to blackmail me I let him think I was going to do as he wanted to buy some time. There was no way I was going to let him manipulate me like that. I was going to tell Merlin everything and we'd deal with it together. The wedding was only weeks away at that point. Only—" She paused and took a deep breath and Arthur saw her eyes were wet with tears. "Only, when I got home, Merlin was waiting for me. Before I could tell him about Uther's nefarious plan he told me that he couldn't go through with the wedding and I knew then that it was because of you and when I said as much he made me promise not to tell you, said that you didn't feel the same way, but that he couldn't go through with the wedding feeling like he did because it wasn't fair to me."
Her hand tightened on Arthur's. "Morgana—"
"Let me finish, please, Arthur," she said, wiping away a tear with her other hand. "I totally lost it with him. Said there would be no way I'd cover for him—and many other things I regret saying now. I was heartbroken. I still am, but I'm trying to do the right thing."
"I'm sorry, Morg," Arthur said sadly. The hope that flared in his chest at hearing what she had to say didn't douse the guilt he felt.
She shrugged. "Don't be. Please. I'll be fine. I spoke to Mordred this morning—we're giving it another go. I freaked out when I realised that the reason I was attracted to him in the first place was because he reminded me of Merlin, and he does look similar to him physically, but other than that they're nothing alike."
"But Merlin chose you over me," Arthur said. "Don't you want to—"
"Have you been listening to anything I said? He didn't choose me! You practically threw him at me. You made no attempt to fight for him. He thinks you don't want him."
"But I do."
"Well, a blind fool could see that, yes, but not Merlin," Morgana said with a wry smile. "Have you ever told him that you love him?"
Arthur hadn't. Their situation had always felt temporary, like Merlin would leave him at the first chance he had like he had before.
Morgana let go of Arthur's hand and stood. "Merlin thinks he's meeting me here in half an hour to collect his things—thinks that you'll be out because he didn't want to see you when he did this. Talk to him, Arthur. Sort it out."
Arthur stood and followed her to the door. She pulled him into a hug, whispering in his ear, "Hurt him again and I'll hurt you," and kissed his cheek. "I'll stay in touch, I promise, just give me a couple of weeks to come to terms with this."
The door clicked shut as she left and Arthur swore to himself. Merlin would be here any minute. He had to make sure he got this right.
()(:)()
The wait was the longest thirty minutes of Arthur's life, during which he felt as though he'd paced the length flat a hundred times, stopped, stared down at the blurry lights below trying to fathom if Merlin was one of the tiny dots that were people before starting again.
When the knock came Arthur tried to compose himself before going to answer the summons. Why wasn't Merlin using his key?
"Hello, Merlin," he said, when he opened the door to see the surprise on Merlin's face form into a frown.
"I thought you'd be out," he said, taking a step backwards. "I can come back later—"
"No, you can't," Arthur said, standing back for Merlin to pass. "No time like the present."
"Right. Yes, of course. Is Morgana here?" Merlin stepped over the threshold and passed Arthur. Arthur stuck his hands in his pockets so that he wouldn't reach out and grab him. Time for that later. He hoped.
Merlin walked through to the living room and Arthur followed. "No, Morgana's left. It's just you and me."
Merlin's shoulders slumped. "Oh. Well, I won't keep you for long," he said, back towards their bedroom. "I'll just grab the essentials and come back for the rest another time."
"No!" Arthur's voice exploded from his body almost unbidden. He'd gone over and over what he was going to say to Merlin in the time he'd been waiting for him to arrive. Now, all of that had flown out of his head and all he was left with was the bare truth. "No—I have a few things I need to say first. If you still want to leave after that then I won't stop you." And wasn't that blatant lie?
"I—okay," Merlin moved to perch on the edge of an armchair, his arms folded across his chest. "I'm listening." His eyes bored into Arthur with a definite challenge. Arthur took it.
"I'm a blind prat," he admitted. "I thought if you knew that Morgana had broken up with you under duress you'd want to go back. I didn't ask you to stay and I should have. I didn't want you to leave. I never want you to leave. I love you, Merlin. I've been in love with you almost since we met."
"You have?" Merlin unfolded his arms and leant forwards. "So why—after that time on my birthday…you just left!"
"And that was the biggest mistake of my lift to date. I was confused. I'd been trying to deny I was attracted to men as well as women for so long, scared my father would find out, scared to death of my feelings for you. Then when I'd finally worked through it all you were with Morgana." Arthur came to stand in front of Merlin before dropping to his knees and parting Merlin's thighs to shuffle in between them, placing both hands on Merlin's knees. "That was the start of four years of hell. So when I finally got you back, I was certain it wouldn't last. You'd already chosen Morgana over me before."
"It wasn't like that. I thought you didn't want me—you were my best friend and even if you regretted what had happened on my birthday you could have been in touch, Arthur. You ignored all my texts! What was I supposed to think? And Morgana…she's one persistent lady and I let myself believe I loved her. I mean, I do—I've just never been in love with her—but she was there and she wanted me. Then when you finally showed your face you never said a word about what had happened and you seemed happy for Morgana and me!"
"I was far from happy, believe me." Arthur recalled the shock at finding his sister and his best friend cum one time lover were a couple. He wasn't proud of his subsequent behaviour either. "Why do you think I nearly slept my way around London?"
"I did notice," Merlin said dryly. "Even though I tried not to."
"When you and Morgana split up I didn't know what to feel. I just knew I had to find you. Then you moved in and it was torture."
"For me too," Merlin admitted. "I was so jealous when I thought you'd gone off with Percy but if that hadn't happened I might never have found the balls to make a move."
"I was working my way up to it!" Arthur protested. He ran his hands up Merlin's thighs and shuffled closer. "So you broke it off with Morgana because of your feelings for me, hmm?"
Merlin's eyes flashed in surprise before he lowered his lashes, guilt forming over his features. "I'm not proud that I let it go on as long as I did. I never meant to hurt her like that, but it was like being on a rollercoaster and not being able to get off for so long and I found myself agreeing to marry her because she proposed for leap year and I thought maybe it would work. But then you were always in the front of my mind and I knew it was futile…"
"Morgana will survive, Merlin. She just needs time that's all." He really hoped that was the truth. He wanted his sister in his life.
"I hope so. We talked some the other night when I left with her. I should have known she'd tell you about why we really broke up even if just to prove to you that she wouldn't do your father's bidding."
"She never has. I'm ashamed I believed it of her. I was just so angry with my father."
"What do you think he'll say when he finds out we are together?"
Something warm and unfathomable flared to life in Arthur's chest. "Screw my father. And…are we? Back together?"
Soft firm lips met his then, Merlin's tongue sliding between his lips to meet his briefly before he pulled back and said, "Well you did just tell me you loved me, and I think we both know how I feel about you now, so let's stop with this incessant talking and get on with the make-up sex, yes?"
Arthur slid his hands between Merlin's thighs. "I think I can get on board with that," he said, relishing the slide of Merlin's hands under his t-shirt to thumb his hipbones. Merlin buried his face in his neck, scraping his teeth over Arthur's collarbone in the way he knew sent Arthur wild and sure enough Arthur groaned helplessly at the assault. "Promise me you'll never leave me again," he managed, tipping his head back to allow Merlin better access.
"I promise," Merlin whispered into Arthur's ear, his breath hot as he then proceeded to nibble his earlobe. "Never."