Please excuse any mistakes I've made with this. I don't own Glee or the song used.
I have cancer.
Those three words make my world come to a halt, make it hard to breathe and think straight. I stare at Rachel in shock, tears begin to obscure my view and I'm gasping for breath, I reach behind me to grab the chair before my legs give out, suddenly I don't know what to do with my hands so I just stare at them, flexing my fingers, the tears now freely streaming down my face and choked sobs escaping my mouth. I feel her grab my hands and I look at her, now knelling on the floor in front of me, tears making their way out of her gorgeous brown eyes and falling down her face, leaving tracks in their wake. I now know what to do with my hands, they reach up and cup her cheeks wiping away the tears until they stop.
'wh...what kind?' I can't bring myself to say the word, if I say it then this becomes real and there's a real change of me losing the love of my life.
'lung.' another chocked sob escapes my mouth and more tears fall from my eyes. I stand abruptly, nearly knocking her over.
'no...no' I start pacing, my fingers running through my hair, before pulling on it slightly. I turn to face Rachel who is now stood facing me.
'you can't have that, you don't smoke, you...you're healthy..you run every fricking day. You're only 25, you're just starting your career, it's not fair!' I fall to my knees, my hands covering my face, I don't hear her walk over to me, but I feel her grab my hands and pull my hands away.
'I start chemo next week, they caught it early and the doctors say that there's a high chance of me getting through this, Quinn I need you to stay, please don't leave' a shocked gasp escapes my mouth and I squeeze the hands that are still holding tightly on to mine, as if she's afraid I'm going to run.
'baby, I'm not going to leave you. You're the love of my life, even though we've only been together a couple of months, I've loved you since high school. I'm not going to leave you'
The next couple of months were the hardest months of my life, the next week I went with her to the hospital, we're the doctors wired her up to the chemotherapy machine, it made her sick and her hair fall out, but I was there every step of the way, I held her hair out of her face when she threw up in the middle of the night, I helped her to the couch, to the toilet, anywhere because she was to weak to walk, I helped shave her head when her hair started to fall out, I even offered to shave mine but she protested saying she loved my hair especially in the morning when it points every which way. I went to every appointment she had, held her hand when the doctor said that the treatment wasn't working, that her condition was terminal and that there was nothing more they could do only make t as painless as possible. I remember the exact words he said.
'I'm so sorry Rachel, there's nothing more we can do, the cancer has spread and no amount of chemotherapy or radiation is going to help. All we can do is make sure it's as painless as possible.'
After that, we went to visit her parents where she broke the news, I had to walk out. Now 5 months later I'm sat in the hospital, next to her bed listening to her struggle to breathe, she looks so weak, her hair grew back by its a lot shorter them before, her eyes are hollow, she's lost loads of weight but the only wire attached to her is for her morphine she refused to be attached to life support and she signed a DNR. We're currently playing scrabble and of course I'm winning, I'm win another round.
'yes!' I do a little victory dance in my seat, I look up at Rachel who didn't do the normal breathy laugh, she's just laying back against the pillows she's propped up against so she's comfortable. My heart drops because I know it's coming to the end, she slowly lifts a hand gesturing for me to cuddle up next to her, so I lift the duvet she brought from home and carefully cuddle in next to her, I reach over and increase the morphine a little before wrapping my arms around her, she rests her head against my shoulder her soft breath tickling my neck.
'sing to me Quinn' she asks me so softly I struggle to hear, I rack my brain to think of a song.
'what song baby?' I ask in a whisper, she's quiet for a second and I think she's fell asleep but then she speaks.
'wild horses' I take a deep calming breath before I start.
Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted, I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Her breathing comes out shallower, I fight to keep the tears at bay, I tighten my grip and struggle to carrying on singing.
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I know I've dreamed you, a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living, after we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
By the time I finish the song she's stopped breathing, I let the tears fall, I bury my face in her hair and whisper 'I love you' over and over, these past 2 years have been the best and worse, best because I got to spend my time with Rachel and she decided to spend her remaining time with me and I don't need to explain why it's been the worse, I've never felt pain like this, but I know that she's in a better place now and that she's not in pain any more.
'wait for me baby, I'll see you soon, I love you so much'
Thanks for reading, this was emotional to write, mainly because cancer hits close to home but I just couldn't get this out of my head. Sorry its not very long. Please read and review.