A/N: This story doesn't really fit anywhere into the timeline for FMA. It's RoyEd, so don't complain. I warned you. Also, a few things you may want to know:

-Al has his body back, but Ed still has automail.

-Roy is still a Colonel, because "Colonel Bastard" sounds better than "General Bastard."

-Ed is seventeen, Roy is twenty-six. That's to keep me from feeling like a pedophile.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, or I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I would think that's obvious.
My name is Colonel Roy Mustang, and this is a true story. This is a story of perhaps the most traumatic event in my life, even including the war. And it all began with a pile of paperwork.

Snap!

The pile of paperwork on my desk burst into flame. I smirked at the merrily burning paperwork, then looked up only to find a gun pointed at me.

"Colonel Mustang, sir. You do realize that the papers for my pay raise were in that pile?" asked the lady pointing the gun at me. "I am afraid that your house has suddenly developed a severe infestation of termites and you must move in with Elric."

"Riza!" I began protesting. "You don't-"

Bang!

I looked up from my position on the floor to see a bullet hole where my head had been just a moment ago.

"You are moving in with Elric, sir. Today," she stated calmly.

"Right." Briefly, I wondered why I allowed my subordinate to order me around, then I remembered. She had a gun, and she was good with it. "I'll collect my belongings as soon as I get off from work."

"Thank you, sir." She calmly put away her gun. "I do believe that you have taken care of the paperwork, sir, so you should probably go collect your belongings now. I will drive you to Fullmetal's apartment after work."

My response? I ran.
The car Riza had been kind enough to drive for me pulled up to a dingy, ill-kept apartment complex. As the sound of the engine died, I asked myself, for the fifteenth time, why Riza was forcing me to live with Edward. I always burnt paperwork, and she had never seen fit to punish me before.

I had grabbed the essentials from my house and run back to ensure that Riza did not have to wait, thinking that I would be treated to a gun and a polite lecture on punctuality. Still, looking at the dreary apartment complex, I wondered if the gun would have been a better option.

Riza accompanied me to the door of Edward's apartment, even knocking when I was reluctant to do so. A messy blonde head appeared briefly, then disappeared again when the owner saw who his visitors were.

Riza sighed, then pulled out her gun and shot. We heard a yelp from inside, then heard cussing for the next minute and a half before Ed sullenly opened the door.

The apartment was a wreck. Clothes were scattered all over the floor, and there were dishes lying in the few places there weren't clothes. Frankly, it scared me to think that I would, for the next month or so, be living in this dump.

"Riza, please," I began. I couldn't live in this. It would kill me! I was panicking, so I settled for the best solution. I began begging my stern Lieutenant to let me live. That's right. Begging. "I'm sorry about the paperwork! I'll give you a larger raise! I'll do anything! Please don't make me live here!"

"Wait, Riza. What is this idiot babbling about?" asked Ed. He looked so confused. It was funny, or it is now as I look back on it. At the time, I was too busy trying to prevent myself from having a heart attack to notice.

"Fullmetal, an infestation of termites has been discovered in the Colonel's house. He needs a place to stay, and I told him that you would be happy to accommodate him now that your brother had moved to Risembool."

"Are you crazy?" he retorted. "Me, letting Colonel Bastard live here? I'd rather-"

Precisely what he would have preferred was cut off by another gunshot. Ed was looking quite pale at that point in time, and he quickly grabbed my bag and pulled me in, shouting that he'd see the Lieutenant later. Once the door was shut, he glared at me, hands on his hips.

"Here are a few rules. We have to share a bed, seeing as there's only one bed and no sofa, but you are not to try any of your little perverted tricks on me. Got that? Also, seeing as it's now weekend, you will stay out of my way and will not touch any of the books I am using for research. You will not bring any girlfriends, or boyfriends for that matter, home with you. If you are going somewhere, then you will tell me when you are going to be back so I don't have the Lieutenant shooting at me when you don't show up and I didn't call a search. Any other questions?" Ed asked. God, he's so bossy. Wait, I'm an alchemist. That means I'm atheistic. Damn.

Now, you may be wondering precisely why this was so traumatizing. As Riza had mentioned, Alphonse had moved to Risembool to stay with Winry now that he had his body back. Ed stayed, for some unknown reason, though rumor at the time said that Al and Winry had been rather… clingy while they had been in Central. Ed, I guess, had finally gotten tired of hearing the moans every night, and decided to stay. This meant that we were in the apartment together. Just us.

Of course, nobody knew that I had a crush on him. Yes, the great Flame Alchemist is gay. Get over it.

As Ed was standing there berating me, I had difficulty preventing myself from drooling. He wasn't wearing his usual outfit- he still had the tight leather pants, but instead of the usual shirt and two jackets, he was simply wearing a tank top. He was hot. Especially with the faint blush on his cheeks.

He grabbed my arm, and I realized that I had been spacing out. I quickly covered this up by grabbing my bag and moving into the bedroom with it. Sadly, though I still don't know how this was possible, the bedroom was messier than the rest of the house. It had the same number of dirty outfits and dishes as the other rooms, but there were books lying on the floor as well.

"Too messy, Colonel Bastard?" asked Ed smugly. If I didn't know better, I would have said he was smirking. "I didn't exactly realize that you were coming over, or I might have hired someone to clean."

I groaned before replying. "Fullmetal, do you have a bathroom somewhere in this lovely establishment?"

"That way," he said while gesturing vaguely to the left.

After relieving myself, I came back into the bedroom to find Ed. He was lying on the bed, reading. Out of curiosity, I sat down beside him and glanced at the title of the book. It was called Theorems of Alchemy: Why the Gate Exists. I took the book from him, much to his displeasure, and took a brief look inside. Of course, I couldn't understand a single word of it. I swear, the kid is some sort of genius.

Nonetheless, he is a very ill-tempered genius. When I took the book from him, he clapped his hands and pushed them to the ground, causing hands to form and hold me in place. What could I do but retaliate? I snapped, and the entire room turned orange for a moment.

Small bits of dust were falling from the ceiling. The people next door were screaming. There was a flash of bright blue light as Ed destroyed the hands he had created, releasing me.

"You idiot!" he practically screamed. "There are people other than us living in this apartment complex, you know! We're going to get in trouble if we demolish the building for no reason!"

I smirked; the opening was too much to resist. "That hasn't stopped you in the past, Fullmetal."

He looked like he was going to explode. "That hospital collapsing was not my fault! Neither was the building in Xenotime! In fact, practically none of those incidents were my fault! Okay, I played a little part in the explosion of the mine shafts, but it was for a good reason!"

Again, I smirked. Ed really needed to work on his arguments; it was so easy to tease him. "A little part?"

Ed gasped when he realized what he had said, then curled up on the floor in a fit of depression. Suddenly, he stood up and screamed. "Who are you calling so small that he could escape the wrath of a hydrogen molecule because he's so small that he can't even be detected by a quark?!"

I laughed, then stopped immediately when Ed clapped his hands together, this time causing the pipes in the walls to break and spray me with enough water to knock me off my feet. He laughed maniacally, then transmuted the floor into a fist. I dodged, thankfully, but the amount of force from the fist hitting the ceiling was enough to shake the entire building. The screams of the family living above us were enough to return him to his senses, and he immediately clapped his hands and repaired the room.

The silence that followed was awkward. I stared at my wet clothes and Ed stared at the floor, until he finally decided that the silence was too much.

"I'll get you a towel. You might want to change."

I changed into my pajamas, seeing as it was nearly midnight. When Ed came back in, he started laughing. I looked at him quizzically, then realized that I was wearing the pink pajamas with teddy bears on them. The only reason I kept those was because Hughes gave them to me before he died. Still, I suppose I can't blame Ed for laughing.

I grabbed the towel from Ed, then began drying myself off. I had to pause in fascination, though, as Ed began undressing for bed. When he was done, I was rather embarrassed. He was only wearing his boxers, for goodness' sake! He looked rather good in them, though.

I also watched in fascination as Ed began attempting to unbraid his hair. His automail hand was caught in it, though, so I gently untangled it for him, enjoying the feeling I got from his smooth locks of hair running through my fingers.

"Thanks," he said gruffly.

After I finished gazing at his well-toned chest, I noticed the multitude of scars surrounding the automail, as well as the other various scars he had picked up on his missions.

"I had no idea," I said stupidly. "I had no idea that getting automail was such a painful procedure…"

"It was worth it, though," replied Ed quietly. "Now I can live my life."

We both fell into bed, then. I was perfectly happy, even dreaming of holding Ed close. Then morning came, and I was awakened by a furious slap to my face.

"I told you not to try any of your little perverted tricks on me!" yelled Ed. I saw, across his stomach, a slightly red patch of skin where I had been holding him. I paled, and in that moment, I ignored the principal of atheism and prayed to every god I could think of.
A/N: So... You like? I need to know whether or not I should continue this. However, I refuse to beg for reviews. I would appreciate them, though.