Chapter 1: Let Me Fix That Problem For You... With Sex

"I can't believe this. I am unable to comprehend my current predicament. My best friend is a werewolf and I'm constantly almost getting killed by werewolves who sometimes is even said best friend, but this THIS is far more cosmically pathetic and unbelievable." Stiles paced, hands flailing around dramatically.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Do you have to talk every time you breath or something?"

"Can't you tell I'm having a crisis?" Stiles shouted.

"It's not just you that's going to die, you know."

"Well listen to you speaking sentences at me. We should be in death-or-death situations together more often if I'm going to get such great conversation out of it."

"What part of this are you having such a hard time believing anyway?"

"Oh my GOD now he's actually asking questions. An action that encourages further conversation. I never would have thought that imminent death would make you act like a human being."

"I never would have thought that a werewolf was expected to act like a human being."

"Holy shit. I think you just made a joke and it was actually decently funny and I would have laughed if I wasn't so shocked by it all."

"Do you even realize that you were so excited by my question that you didn't actually answer it?"

"It's called evasive maneuvering, Derek!"

"I know we're about to die, but it really seems like you're freaking out for a completely different reason."

Stiles grumbled something completely unintelligible because even Derek's werewolf hearing couldn't make it out.

"What was that?"

"It's the condition that I'm dying in," Stiles finally grumbled out.

"I'm sure being stuck with me in your last moments isn't the ideal situation I'm sure you've thought of, but at least you won't be dying alone."

"What?" Stiles finally stopped pacing, to Derek's relief, and turned to stare dumbly at him. "No. No, no, no. That's not what I meant. And as far as being stuck with someone to die with you're in my, like, top... five... ten at least... no five... well... yeah five." Derek now had no doubt that there was an actual list.

"Really? Wait- then what are you talking about?"

Stiles sighed in defeat. "I'm a virgin, okay!? I'm going to die a virgin!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

Stiles went back to pacing, at least, until he pivoted around and stepped right into Derek.

"Stop pacing."

"Sorry. I figured I was getting on your nerves, I didn't think it was red-eye,wolf-glow worthy though."

"That's not why they're glowing."

"What's the reason behind that? I mean I know it's your wolf coming out of whatever, but it seems like that's triggered by certain things. Like... surges of adrenaline or... fight or flight. Anger, for you. I mean, not all the time, obviously, or your eyes would always be red, but when I'm especially annoying they always seem to-" Derek's lips were suddenly on Stiles stopping his never-ending babbling. Which lasts .0001 seconds before Stiles leaned away and starting talking again. "What are you doing?"

Derek raised one of his ridiculously expressive eyebrows.

"Yeah, okay, you're kissing me, I'm not that stupid. I mean, why?"

Derek just blinked at him.

"You mean- You're offering to- to- change my condition?"

"I'm sure I'm not in your top five for that list."

Stiles heart skipped for just a second, Derek assumed it meant he had an actual list for that too. This guy probably had lists for everything, Derek thought.

"Uh, well, it's just- It's just... you like girls."

"And liking girls means I can't also like guys? You know, I think there's a term for that and everything."

"I've just never seen you with a guy."

"Have you ever seen me with a girl?"

"I- No. I guess I haven't."

"Look, Stiles, I was just offering, I wouldn't expect you to accept me as anything other than a last resort."

"You know, you're like the president of your own hater club? You aren't that bad."

"Thanks... I think."

"Are you kidding?" Derek raised an eyebrow again. "About the offer?"

"No."

"Well- it's just- wouldn't that make things awkward? Like, between us? I mean- I know we aren't exactly friends seeing as how you hate me and everything but we do spend a lot of time together and-"

"I don't hate you."

"Sorry, what?"

"I don't hate you."

"Uhhhhhh."

"Why would you think I hate you?"

"Well you've always got that annoyed, broody expression on your face! And you're always... glaring at me."

"This is just my face."

"What are you, a sociopath that can't feel feelings other than the bad ones?"

"I 'feel feelings' I just don't advertise them all over my face like it's a billboard. I actually always figured if it weren't for the fact that you hate me that we would actually be friends."

"I'm sorry, what? I don't hate you. I always acted like that because I thought you hated me."

"Huh."

"You're ridiculously hot!"

"Okay..."

"Sorry, I just figured that now that I know you don't hate me that I could say that and you wouldn't punch me in the face or, you know, rip my throat out... with your teeth."

He grinned in response. I very toothy grin that ensured that Stiles could see all those teeth. "Is that your backward way of accepting my offer?"

"Uhhhh. Well- us not hating each other doesn't solve that awkwardness after-the-fact issue."

"Well, we'll be dead soon anyway. Any awkwardness between us wouldn't last very long."

Stiles just stared at him for a long moment. "That is SO comforting Derek. THANK YOU."

"Sorry."

"Stop grinning!"

Make it stop
Sounds so good, I just can't take no more
Turn it down, turn it up, I don't know
I don't know (Know)