Title Just a Little Pinprick
Author Diena Taylor
Notes Just something that fell out of my head at work. Probably not finished.
Summary Post-ROTS AU, Obi-Wan wants to help, but Anakin exhausts him.
Obi-Wan never knew what to expect anymore. Things had been quiet for a year, the reconstruction efforts taking up his time and attention - and Anakin's as well. Now that things were winding down and their time was being spent more on Coruscant than in the field, cracks in the veneer were appearing. After all, Coruscant was where it had all ended. Coruscant was where Anakin had made the choice and lost his wife and unborn children. Coruscant was where he'd killed a man who had been like a father, and where that same man had nearly killed Anakin in return. It had taken six months for him to stop having seizures, the Force lightning having fried his synapses.
Despite all that, Anakin had handled the pressure better than Obi-Wan had expected. He'd been out in the field as soon as he'd been cleared from the Healers, and worked tirelessly to restore the Republic from the front lines. Now it was over, peace had been declared unanimously, and they were back at the Temple to live the true life of the Jedi.
The true life of the Jedi, Obi-Wan mused, did not suit Anakin, especially somewhere so much had been taken from him. At first, it had been fine. They'd both begun teaching, and Anakin had remarked that he wouldn't mind looking at the Initiates, even going so far as to single a few out in his more advanced Initiate lightsaber classes.
And then the nightmares had started, and things began to turn sour.
"Could you teach my class today?" Anakin asked when Obi-Wan pulled open the door, far too early for Anakin to be up, which meant he hadn't been to bed yet.
"This is the third time this week," Obi-Wan commented with a sigh.
Anakin shrugged, swaying on his feet, gripping the doorframe. "I can't do it," he replied. "I can't do it today."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. He didn't bother asking why anymore; he knew he would never get a straight answer. Anakin had become withdrawn and secretive, and no matter how many times Obi-Wan asked, Anakin would never open up. Not anymore, anyway.
"Fine," he said, moving to close the door. Just being around Anakin these days exhausted him, and he was upset to realize he'd begun to avoid his friend. Anakin needed him more than ever, and Obi-Wan couldn't bear to be around him for any considerable length of time. Some mentor he was, some friend. Despite the thought, he closed the door before Anakin could say anything else.
---
He didn't see Anakin again until two days later, when his friend appeared, strung-out and exhausted. "Can I sleep here?" he asked when Obi-Wan opened the door.
"Why?" Obi-Wan asked, but let Anakin in anyway. The sound of the door closing made Anakin jump slightly, his hand straying to his lightsaber.
"I need to sleep here," Anakin said. "They won't leave me alone, I can't get them to leave me alone, when I'm alone." He looked at Obi-Wan, then down at the floor. "Please, Master. Just tonight."
Obi-Wan led Anakin to the couch at sat beside him, knowing all of his energy and attention would go to Anakin, now, as it always did, and always had. It didn't used to be a chore, and the fact he thought it to be one now made him feel slightly disgusted with himself.
Anakin stared into the middle distance, hands clenched into fists in his lap. "Anakin?" For several long minutes, Anakin didn't respond, and Obi-Wan finally put a hand on his shoulder.
Anakin started, whirled, standing, his lightsaber suddenly gripped tightly in his hand. "Anakin!" Obi-Wan exclaimed, and after another long moment, Anakin lowered his weapon and blinked. "Anakin, it's okay." He held out a hand. "What were you thinking about?"
Anakin shook his head. "Nothing," he said flatly. "Just, nothing. I'm sorry." He reached into his utility belt and pulled out a vial of capsules, shaking a few into his hand and then swallowing them dry.
"What is that?" Obi-Wan asked, hesitantly. He knew Anakin was self-medicating somehow; it was hard to miss, but he'd never seen anything actually being consumed.
Anakin looked at the vial. "The Healers gave them to me," he said softly, the admission obviously painful. "They're supposed to keep that from happening." He sank back onto the sofa. "They're not really working. Obviously."
"Obviously," Obi-Wan echoed. "Have you told the Healers? They could give you something else." He actually didn't know if that was true, and he didn't even know if Anakin was telling the truth about the Healers to begin with. He couldn't imagine that Anakin would have gone on his own, after all. Then again, he hadn't been very receptive to talking to Anakin lately, so maybe something had happened to make him realize he needed more than what he was equipped with.
"No," he said. "Well, yes, but they said there were only a few other options."
"Like what?" Obi-Wan prompted, then, "I'm sorry I haven't been as available as I should have been. You can... you can always talk to me, Anakin." He didn't know if he really wanted Anakin to, but he knew it was something Anakin needed to hear.
Anakin waved it off. "Whatever. I wouldn't want to be around me either, to be honest." He hunched his shoulders and closed his eyes. "I don't want to be like this, Obi-Wan," he admitted. "I didn't even... there wasn't anything wrong with me, and then I..." He took a deep breath. "I shouldn't have passed out in training salles. Then nobody would have noticed. Then it wouldn't be a kriffing issue."
Obi-Wan stared at him. He hadn't heard anything about that, he hadn't heard anything from anyone about Anakin, if he were to really think about it. And he hadn't bothered to find out, either. "It is an issue, Anakin," he said softly. "You've changed, and it's not something that... hasn't been noticed."
Anakin looked up at him, anger and frustration dancing in his eyes. "It wasn't a problem until the Healers stuck their noses where they shouldn't have," he growled.
"You leave them little choice if you're passing out in public areas, Anakin," Obi-Wan chided gently.
Anakin let out a sharp breath. "I just want things to go back to the way they were," he said softly. "I want to be able to go back and change... everything."
Everything, Obi-Wan thought. Ahsoka. Rex. Padme and the children. Palpatine. Perhaps even further back than that. How much did Anakin want to change? "I understand," he said.
"No," Anakin said softly. "You don't."
And it was with a sinking dread in his heart that Obi-Wan realized Anakin was right.