Hey, guys. I was in an angsty mood, and this kinda threw itself together. Angst overload warning. And the song I used is called 'Why' by Rascal Flatts. It's a beautiful song, so I encourage you all to listen to it while you read this.
It must've been in a place so dark you couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Logan stared at the grave in front of him.
James David Diamond
July 16, 1996 – April 22, 2013
A smile hiding the pain. Rest in peace.
He couldn't believe this was actually happening. He couldn't believe he was at his best friend's funeral. He couldn't believe that James Diamond had killed himself. That he was pushed that far. It must've been so hard for him. Everything so dark, gloom everywhere. No light peeking out from under the layer of darkness. Or maybe, it was there. And he just couldn't see it. He couldn't see that tiny sliver of light reaching to him through all the darkness.
Maybe he wanted a little attention. Logan had to admit, James was often getting overlooked. No one paid attention to him anymore. So, it was pretty obvious, that no one realized how much he was suffering. How fast he was falling. How much he was breaking. But…death…? This couldn't be a way to draw attention. He knew James didn't take his life as a ploy for attention. But, it did acquire the attention of the entire town.
Oh, why?
That's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong
And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
Why? Just why…? James could've come to him. Could've talked to anyone, for that matter. Why was suicide the option he chose? Didn't he realize how much it would hurt everyone around him? Logan was confused, but also guilty. Could he have said or done something? Could he have impacted James' life in some way, to change his mind? Maybe, he could've prevented this.
He had no idea. No clue that James was hurting this much. The pain, he knew, was immense. It was always there, and it didn't go away. But why? Why'd James keep it locked inside? It kept bottling up, farther and farther, until he snapped. And taking his own life was the result. God only knew. God only knew what was wrong with James, and what had went wrong. What had driven him to the unbelievable point of suicide.
Why'd he leave? He was just beginning life. There was so much more he could've done. Could've experienced. There was always a light, even if he couldn't see it. Of course, James hadn't seen it at all. All he'd seen was darkness.
Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Roundin' third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage, you shined just like the sun
Logan tried to remember. He tried to remember James, as a happy, fun-loving guy. Singing. That was the one thing James loved. Hitting the perfect notes and singing his heart out. Singing was always something he put his heart into. No matter where they were, James loved to sing. And when he took center stage, his voice was like heaven. He had such a beautiful voice. Oh, why?
That's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong
And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
James was a cutter. Why? He just couldn't handle it. All the pain he felt, when he inflicted it on himself, it felt good. He wanted pain, the pain felt good. Logan didn't understand. Why would he harm himself? James didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to hurt himself. Cutting too deep was what killed him. And Logan just couldn't bear the thought of James lying on the bathroom floor, unconscious as blood flowed from his wrist. Why did he do it?
Now the oak trees are swayin' in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place
The world really was a hateful place. Many people hated the world. But, did they really hate it the world? Or did they just hate the people in it? Without the people, this world really wasn't too much of a bad place. He wished that he could've shown James that. Maybe that would've changed his mind. It wasn't likely, but it may have.
Oh, why?
There's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied, and now you're gone, and we cried
Why, James? Why'd he have to do it? Help was there. He just hadn't seen it. But, who was he to judge him. James couldn't help it. The pain was too much. Logan didn't blame him. He blamed himself more. How could he explain why James had taken his own life, when he didn't know the answer for himself?
Logan just wanted to know one thing. Who had told James that he should die? That his life wasn't worth it. He'd find that person and murder them. Murder them for killing a sweet, innocent, beautiful guy, who had a bright future ahead, but would never get to see it. He wanted to hurt someone, the way that people had hurt James. They deserved it, for hurting his baby brother so badly.
They were wrong, Jay. He wanted to scream it at the top of this lungs. They were wrong. Life is worth it. Every life is worth it. They were wrong, Jay. They were wrong. They lied. They lied to you, buddy. And now you're gone. And you're never coming back.
'Cause it's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song
It wasn't like James to take his own life. He never seemed like a person who'd want to. Logan guessed he was just amazing at hiding his feelings. His life. His beautiful life. James had taken his beautiful life, which he would never be given back.
Logan's tears fell on the marble stone, and he managed a small smile. "Rest in peace, Jay. I love you."
I'm sorry, guys. Angst overdose, huh?
XO ~Neha