Why? Hae? Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to yourself? I didn't mean for this to happen! I didn't mean for you to do this! I didn't mean any of it!
This is all my fault.
I was in shock that day. Obviously. The day you took me aside, a place private and quiet, a beautiful place. And you told me you loved me. And I told you that I didn't love you. And I broke your heart.
That was the last time we ever spoke to each other.
After that we stopped talking. I remember the both of us avoiding each other. I wasn't meaning to avoid you…I just thought you would hate me for rejecting your feelings. I know now that I hate myself for rejecting your feelings.
This is all my fault.
I remember noticing you being there with the group less and less. You weren't eating with us anymore, and I knew you enough to know it was because of me and only me.
Why didn't you try to talk to me, Hae? Why? But I know it's my fault I didn't try to talk to you.
I was in shock that day. The day Sungmin ran screaming into the living room, crying so hard he couldn't even speak clearly. The best he could do was take Leeteuk to show him while the rest of us waited in confusion.
I remember being the last one in the house to see your body laying on your bathroom floor, the bottle of pills in your hand. I hadn't gone into the room at first, too scared of what I might've seen. I should have been.
And I remember thinking.
This is all my fault.
It had been months since we had spoken to each other, which is too long. Too long, Donghae. Why didn't you try to talk to me, Hae? Why?
I remember all of the members frantically leaving the room to call the manager, the ambulance, everyone. I remember, it was the first time the two of us had been alone together in months. And it had to be like this.
I remember crying - screaming - looking at your arms as I held your limp body, and I remember the scars. The scars that are etched into my brain, the ones that I think of whenever I think of you. So just about every single day.
This is all my fault.
I remember the looks I got at your funeral. How everyone - even the other members - stared at me as if to say "Why are you even here?" I know I had no right to be there. I had absolutely no right to be there.
I remember going into your bedroom every single day after that, no matter what my schedule held I would always go to your room and sit there on your floor for at the least two hours, reminding myself that you were gone and it was my fault.
This is all my fault.
I was in shock that day. The day a couple weeks after your funeral when I sat in your bedroom and cried some more, just like I had every other day. Your room looked exactly as it had been before you did that to yourself. I had made sure not to touch anything. I had made sure no one else touched anything, either.
I remember that day. I remember sitting on your bed. I'm sorry. I had no right to sit where you used to sleep. The bed still wasn't made from that morning. Your last morning.
I remember seeing the tears stains on your pillow. There were so fucking many tear stains. Your pillow was a rainbow of gray and white. I remember how those used to be my favorite colors.
I remember noticing something tucked in between your mattress and the box spring. I remember taking out your journal, and crying as I read each entry, knowing the whole time that I shouldn't have invaded your privacy. Especially when you were no longer there to stop me.
That last entry killed me. You have no idea. You killed me, Hae. My being. My soul. I can't be me without you, but because of me, there is no more you. And the only way for me to ever see you is to come here, where I am right now, staring at this shaped piece of rock with your name and birthday carved into it.
This is all my fault.
I remember celebrating your birthday without you. It was the first time since I'd met you where we weren't together for your birthday. It was the first time since I'd met you where you weren't there for your birthday. Your own birthday.
This is all my fault.
I was in shock that day. The day someone told me that it had already been one year. But how can that be possible? It had just been a couple days. To me, it had been. Time was just flying by without you, Donghae.
To me, your death, your funeral, finding your journal, and your birthday had all been within a course of four days. That's what it felt like without you, Hae. All I remember is you. All I was, all I am.
This is all my fault.
I was in shock that day. The day I went to your room for my daily visit, only to find it empty. Nothing of you remained. Nothing. They told me someone was moving into these dorms, and that your mother wanted what was left of your things. I didn't get one single thing, Donghae.
Except your journal.
I brought that for you here today, Hae. It's my favorite book. It's also my least favorite book. It's all I have left of you other than memories. I'm going to read it with you. Then I'm going to take it home and put it in that special place I have for you, where I keep my necklace you gave me for my 26th birthday. Yes, of course I still have it.
Why didn't you try to talk to me, Hae? Or Leeteuk? Or Sungmin? Or Henry? Or Siwon? Or anyone? Why did you keep these feelings between yourself and that book? Why?
Hae? Hae! Why?! Why did you do this?! I don't get it. Why didn't you try to talk to me, Hae?…Hae? DONGHAE! LEE DONGHAE! WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME?!
I don't think I can take this much longer. I hope I see you soon. I love you…and I mean it this time. And I'm so sorry it took this long for me to realize it.
Saranghae. Your Hyukjae.