Title: I'm a Believer (1/1)
Author: Charlene Edwards
Rating: R for language ( I know I've never posted with bad alnguage -- lol BUT it works
here and I can't think of anything else that works as well.)
Synopsis: A VERY drunk Roy pays Dick a visit (WARNING -- ROY IS VERY DRUNK
HENCE THE LANGUAGE -- words and subject matter -- LOL)
Thanks to Noel who played with me on IM when I was in a mood to see what a drunk Roy
was up too -- and that got me started. Thanks also go out to Patty and Tammy and who
continued to listen to me talk about drunk Roy. Roy fans don't be offended -- I LOVE Roy-- I really do -- but my Roy fictive wanted to cheer me up one night and this is what happened. Hope you all enjoy. Char :-)
I'm a Believer:
A deep pounding was echoing in Dick Grayson's head. He rolled over in an effort to rid himself of a headache, but the distinct rhythm of 'shave and a haircut' made him rise from his nice warm, comfortable, should be slept in bed. Saturday afternoons were meant for sleeping.
Dick padded through his bedroom and into the living room of his apartment, past the empty pizza boxes he and Tim had left on the floor after their marathon movie watching from the past weekend. Alfred would never understand how he could leave pizza boxes on the floor for over a week.
"Yo, Dude," the slurred speech yelled through the door, "Open up."
Dick allowed himself a brief moment to think, "Why me?" He opened the door to his bedraggled teammate.
Roy half walked, half fell into Dick's apartment. He threw his arms around Dick's neck and spoke to his friend. "I'm glad you're here. We need to be out."
Dick recoiled from his friend's alcohol laden breath and started moving his friend toward the sofa. "No, we need to be in before you pass out."
"Ain't gonna pass out. I can hold me liquor," Roy said as he slid off the sofa and onto the floor. "What'cha got to drink Dick?
Dick ran his hand through his hair. Then he decided moving Roy into the bathroom would be a better precaution -- provided he didn't kill Roy first. He reached down and pulled Roy up and started moving his friend toward his bathroom door.
"Are we goin' out now buddy? I came 'er to go out with my buddy Robbie, dude."
"I see you didn't wait for me though," Dick said more than a bit curt.
"Weeelll," Roy whined. "I started in New York. But I don't like drinking alone, so I came looking ya."
"Tell me you didn't drive down here like this?" Dick asked his voice steely and his eyes filled with judgment.
"Course I didn't. You think I'm irresponsible or sumthin?" Roy asked while Dick quizzically arched an eyebrow. "I took a cab. Oh yeah, cabbie's downstairs waiting for you to pay him. I told him Robbie'd pay him," Roy added with a smile.
"You stay right here," Dick demanded setting Roy down on the living floor close to the bathroom, "And when I get back we're going to have a talk."
"Walkie then talkie," Roy slurred as he watched both Dick Grayson's walk out of the apartment. Scratching his head, he tried to remember when Dick became twins. He was puzzling about that for a while until he forget what he was trying to figure out. Roy used the wall in an attempt to stand. He was unsuccessful. Undeterred, he crawled towards Dick's kitchen. Pulling open the refrigerator door, he smiled. He pulled out a beer and struggled to open it. Having trouble he hit the long neck of the bottle against the refrigerator and soon found himself covered in broken glass and foamy beer.
Which is exactly how Dick found him when he walked back in. Dick sighed, exasperated with his friend. "Damn. Roy," Dick started as he grabbed his friend by the arm and helped him up. "What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this?"
"There's a list, wrote it in the cab," and Roy made a show of patting his pockets. "musta given it as a tip -- " he muttered.
"List? What list? What's the list about?"
"Well it's about... you see..." and Roy looked Dick right in the eye. "I forgot. I'm fucked up Robbie."
"Well, we're in agreement on something. Sit here," Dick said as he sat Roy at his kitchen table. "And DON'T move. I'm getting us some strong black coffee. We'll drink that together."
" 'shyeah. Coffee's good. Coffee'll be good. What type of coffee?"
"Does it matter?"
"Not really..."
Dick sat the coffee in front of his friend as he took a seat across from him. With concern in his eyes Dick asked, "Why'd you start drinking like this?"
Roy looked confused and struggled to remember. He patted his pants pockets again.
"You lost the list, remember?" Dick criticized.
"So, you want like the beginning right? Beginning," Roy started as he took a sip of the coffee. He gagged and coughed. "That stuff is horrible. Ain't ya gonna put some whiskey in it?" he asked. When he saw Dick's stern expression he continued. "Life's a bitch. And I'm alone. No Jade, no Donna, no one. Dick. You 'member that old Batgirl. The red head. Can you fix me up with her. You got the computer now," Roy sobbed. Then he looked at Dick, confusion in his eyes, "HOW do ya fuck the computer thingy?"
Spewing his coffee across the table, Dick looked at Roy. "How do I? Oracle? You're talking about Oracle. Oracle's NOT a computer."
"If it looks like a computer and types like a computer, I hate to break it to you kid, I really do," Roy clasped him affectionately on the shoulder and whispered, "It's a computer."
Dick rolled his eyes. "There's a PERSON behind the computer. Ok. Leave it alone. And NO I'm NOT going to set you up with Barbara."
"I need a woman Dick! One that will love me! And caress me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear!"
"Well, what about Jesse? She's not seeing anyone. Have you tried asking her out?"
"You mean Miss-Is-Nightwing-Single? Sure, yeah right. Uh huh. And don't say Toni either, y'know I'm looking for a woman, a mature one."
Dick stared at his overly drunk friend and wondered what mature woman would go out with Roy. Keeping his thoughts to himself, he shrugged. "Well, I don't think we're in the best shape to look for a mature woman right at the moment. But in a day or so," when you've dried out, "We'll see what we can do."
Roy grabbed Dick's arm and pulled him closer to him. "Thanks buddy. I knew I could count on you. Hey, howzabout that Huntress chick? You said she was a good screw, but then you started with the computer." Roy was shaking his head at the weird images he saw. "Can you fix me up with her. We both use arrows."
"She'd hurt you Harper. She really would. Besides she's not exactly a role model."
"Who needs a role model. I wanna fashion model."
"And you have oh so realistic standards as well."
"You, dude, are THE MAN when it comes to women. Just give me one or two of your castaways. You know, the ones you save up for rainy days."
"I do not save up women for ... " Dick sighed when he realized he was trying to have a rational conversation with a very drunk drunk. "Roy, something set you off today. Any chance you might remember what it was?"
"It was today?"
"Wasn't it today? OR was it last night? Roy, do you know when you started drinking?"
"Dude, I can't even remember when I stopped."
"You just stopped. When I gave you the coffee. Ten minutes ago. What set you off? What hurt you? And where is Lian?"
"Lian's with Auntie Donna and Uncle Kyle. He came to visit and they wanted to take Lian to Coney Island. Lian'd rather be with Auntie Donna because Lian wants a mommie and I'm not a good mommie. I'm a bad mommie." Roy was on the verge of a crying jag. Dick started to panic. A crying drunk was something he REALLY didn't want to deal with.
"So," Dick began, "do you need a woman to be a good mommie to Lian, or do you need Donna?"
"Yes." Roy replied.
Dick rolled his eyes. That was definitely NOT a yes or no question. Ho-Boy. This was gonna be a long night. Dick took the mugs and moved to refill the cups. Roy rose on wobbly legs and moved to Dick's computer desk. Placing his hands on the keyboards, he tried kissing the screen.
"What are you doing?" Dick yelled from the kitchen as he started for his wayward friend. Roy turned to answer but was stopped when he heard a deep voice coming from the screen.
"Harper? This is a secure channel. What are you doing?" Roy had heard that last phrase somewhere before.
Dick grabbed Roy by the arm and faced Batman on the computer screen. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He's drunk. He was trying to make out with my computer. Go back to whatever you were doing. I'll take care of this."
Batman glared and closed the connection.
'I'm killing you Harper, when you're sober. I want you to realize that I'm killing you.' Dick thought to himself. He was NEVER going to hear the end of this from Bruce. He was going to get that same old speech he'd get when he was a teenager about choosing your friends wisely and bad influences. Dick sighed.
"Even Batman doesn't like me Robbie," Roy whined as he tried to spin around and started to fall.
Dick grabbed Roy and kept him from hitting the floor. "He never liked you. But you want a woman to like you. He's NOT a woman."
"Oh, that's right," Roy said as he let Dick lead him to the sofa. He almost fell on the sofa, his head was spinning, he didn't remember Superman punching him, but he was sure he must have for his head to feel like it did.
"I'd introduce you to my old Super, but she moved."
"Was she a ladies man? No.. wait, I mean... yeah... No..."
"I know what you mean. I think you'd have liked her. And she was sensible enough to maybe be good for you. Too bad she met this EMT she fell for. Literally," Dick mumbled that last as he sat beside Roy. He understood his friend's mood, if not his way of coping with it. Roy had really loved only two women in his life. One was an international assassin and the mother of his child. Jade was serving a life sentence now and they had all thought Roy was finally over her.
The other love of Roy's life was Donna Troy. Everyone thought it was puppy love when they first started dating. They were all of the ripe old age of fourteen at the time they first started dating. Dick had to admit, at the time he had been so jealous of Roy. Dick had also liked Donna back then, but she only had eyes for Roy. But they grew out of the relationship, as fourteen year olds do and they each went on to have their own lives. But they had reconnected a little over a year ago and for a while they were getting serious, or at least Roy thought they had been. Donna was just trying to prove she wasn't the perfect person Wally remembered her being.
Dick knew that breakup was a lot harder on Roy than he liked to admit. Having Kyle come and take Donna and Lian off for the day must have really hurt Roy. Dick was brought out of his musings, by Roy's overly loud speech.
"So, c'mon, man, the nights young. The city's gotta be full of nice girls"
"Roy, you can hardly stand up. I don't wanna think about what would happen if we went bar hopping. Last time I was with you in a bar and you were drunk we ended up in jail. That'd be kinda embarrassing here, seeing as how I'd probably have to arrest us."
"Know any cute cops?"
"Oh good grief," Dick sighed as he placed his hand over his eyes.
"Yo Charlie Brown, we've got a crisis. Babe, need, me. Now."
"I'm gonna regret this. I know I am. If you REALLY want to go, I'll drive. BUT -- I AM NOT DRINKING with you. I'm your DD. OK!"
"But Robbie! I don't' want to meet women in bars. I want a nice woman."
"Well, I'm sorry Roy. I don't happen to have any of those under my bed."
"What about on top of your bed?"
"Don't go there."
"So there is! And you're not sharing!" Roy pouted his lips as he looked at Dick.
"No woman is here in my apartment. You AND I are the only ones here in the apartment right now."
Dick's computer came to life behind them. Roy heard the soft feminine voice coming from the speakers. "Hey, Short-Pants, you there?"
Roy turned around to see the visage of Barbara Gordon gracing Dick's screen. "Baby!" Roy yelled as he made a staggered dash to the computer. He kissed the screen as he finally understood how Dick could have a relationship with a box. Oracle never looked like this when it talked to the Titans. It didn't sound like this either, this sounded sexy.
Dick jumped up and tried to stop him, but Roy continued to slobber on his screen.
"FBW, you want to explain," Barbara's voice echoed throughout the apartment.
Dick whined as he turned and started pounding his head against his apartment wall. "Why me? I'm a good guy! What'd I do?"
Roy's inebriated voice added to the din caused by beating his head against the wall that was ringing in Dick's ears, "Dude, I always thought these things were coffee cup holders. Now I get what you insert. You -- "
"Roy!" Dick growled as he rubbed his now bruised forehead.
Roy continued undeterred. "Man, you were right this chick is almost as hot as the Huntress."
"Almost! Dick Grayson!" Barbara's very angry voice started from the speakers when the sound of breaking glass and sparks caused Dick to turn back to his computer table. He saw Roy Harper laying in the middle of his now crashed computer monitor, smoke was billowing around him. Maybe he had electrocuted himself. No, that was too much to hope for. Dick watched as Roy moaned and sat up, brushing slivers of glass from his red hair. He could use lethal force. The police academy said that lethal force was justified in some situations. IF this wasn't that situation, Dick didn't know what was.
Roy smiled as he looked at Dick, "Dude, what a rush."
THE END
Author: Charlene Edwards
Rating: R for language ( I know I've never posted with bad alnguage -- lol BUT it works
here and I can't think of anything else that works as well.)
Synopsis: A VERY drunk Roy pays Dick a visit (WARNING -- ROY IS VERY DRUNK
HENCE THE LANGUAGE -- words and subject matter -- LOL)
Thanks to Noel who played with me on IM when I was in a mood to see what a drunk Roy
was up too -- and that got me started. Thanks also go out to Patty and Tammy and who
continued to listen to me talk about drunk Roy. Roy fans don't be offended -- I LOVE Roy-- I really do -- but my Roy fictive wanted to cheer me up one night and this is what happened. Hope you all enjoy. Char :-)
I'm a Believer:
A deep pounding was echoing in Dick Grayson's head. He rolled over in an effort to rid himself of a headache, but the distinct rhythm of 'shave and a haircut' made him rise from his nice warm, comfortable, should be slept in bed. Saturday afternoons were meant for sleeping.
Dick padded through his bedroom and into the living room of his apartment, past the empty pizza boxes he and Tim had left on the floor after their marathon movie watching from the past weekend. Alfred would never understand how he could leave pizza boxes on the floor for over a week.
"Yo, Dude," the slurred speech yelled through the door, "Open up."
Dick allowed himself a brief moment to think, "Why me?" He opened the door to his bedraggled teammate.
Roy half walked, half fell into Dick's apartment. He threw his arms around Dick's neck and spoke to his friend. "I'm glad you're here. We need to be out."
Dick recoiled from his friend's alcohol laden breath and started moving his friend toward the sofa. "No, we need to be in before you pass out."
"Ain't gonna pass out. I can hold me liquor," Roy said as he slid off the sofa and onto the floor. "What'cha got to drink Dick?
Dick ran his hand through his hair. Then he decided moving Roy into the bathroom would be a better precaution -- provided he didn't kill Roy first. He reached down and pulled Roy up and started moving his friend toward his bathroom door.
"Are we goin' out now buddy? I came 'er to go out with my buddy Robbie, dude."
"I see you didn't wait for me though," Dick said more than a bit curt.
"Weeelll," Roy whined. "I started in New York. But I don't like drinking alone, so I came looking ya."
"Tell me you didn't drive down here like this?" Dick asked his voice steely and his eyes filled with judgment.
"Course I didn't. You think I'm irresponsible or sumthin?" Roy asked while Dick quizzically arched an eyebrow. "I took a cab. Oh yeah, cabbie's downstairs waiting for you to pay him. I told him Robbie'd pay him," Roy added with a smile.
"You stay right here," Dick demanded setting Roy down on the living floor close to the bathroom, "And when I get back we're going to have a talk."
"Walkie then talkie," Roy slurred as he watched both Dick Grayson's walk out of the apartment. Scratching his head, he tried to remember when Dick became twins. He was puzzling about that for a while until he forget what he was trying to figure out. Roy used the wall in an attempt to stand. He was unsuccessful. Undeterred, he crawled towards Dick's kitchen. Pulling open the refrigerator door, he smiled. He pulled out a beer and struggled to open it. Having trouble he hit the long neck of the bottle against the refrigerator and soon found himself covered in broken glass and foamy beer.
Which is exactly how Dick found him when he walked back in. Dick sighed, exasperated with his friend. "Damn. Roy," Dick started as he grabbed his friend by the arm and helped him up. "What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this?"
"There's a list, wrote it in the cab," and Roy made a show of patting his pockets. "musta given it as a tip -- " he muttered.
"List? What list? What's the list about?"
"Well it's about... you see..." and Roy looked Dick right in the eye. "I forgot. I'm fucked up Robbie."
"Well, we're in agreement on something. Sit here," Dick said as he sat Roy at his kitchen table. "And DON'T move. I'm getting us some strong black coffee. We'll drink that together."
" 'shyeah. Coffee's good. Coffee'll be good. What type of coffee?"
"Does it matter?"
"Not really..."
Dick sat the coffee in front of his friend as he took a seat across from him. With concern in his eyes Dick asked, "Why'd you start drinking like this?"
Roy looked confused and struggled to remember. He patted his pants pockets again.
"You lost the list, remember?" Dick criticized.
"So, you want like the beginning right? Beginning," Roy started as he took a sip of the coffee. He gagged and coughed. "That stuff is horrible. Ain't ya gonna put some whiskey in it?" he asked. When he saw Dick's stern expression he continued. "Life's a bitch. And I'm alone. No Jade, no Donna, no one. Dick. You 'member that old Batgirl. The red head. Can you fix me up with her. You got the computer now," Roy sobbed. Then he looked at Dick, confusion in his eyes, "HOW do ya fuck the computer thingy?"
Spewing his coffee across the table, Dick looked at Roy. "How do I? Oracle? You're talking about Oracle. Oracle's NOT a computer."
"If it looks like a computer and types like a computer, I hate to break it to you kid, I really do," Roy clasped him affectionately on the shoulder and whispered, "It's a computer."
Dick rolled his eyes. "There's a PERSON behind the computer. Ok. Leave it alone. And NO I'm NOT going to set you up with Barbara."
"I need a woman Dick! One that will love me! And caress me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear!"
"Well, what about Jesse? She's not seeing anyone. Have you tried asking her out?"
"You mean Miss-Is-Nightwing-Single? Sure, yeah right. Uh huh. And don't say Toni either, y'know I'm looking for a woman, a mature one."
Dick stared at his overly drunk friend and wondered what mature woman would go out with Roy. Keeping his thoughts to himself, he shrugged. "Well, I don't think we're in the best shape to look for a mature woman right at the moment. But in a day or so," when you've dried out, "We'll see what we can do."
Roy grabbed Dick's arm and pulled him closer to him. "Thanks buddy. I knew I could count on you. Hey, howzabout that Huntress chick? You said she was a good screw, but then you started with the computer." Roy was shaking his head at the weird images he saw. "Can you fix me up with her. We both use arrows."
"She'd hurt you Harper. She really would. Besides she's not exactly a role model."
"Who needs a role model. I wanna fashion model."
"And you have oh so realistic standards as well."
"You, dude, are THE MAN when it comes to women. Just give me one or two of your castaways. You know, the ones you save up for rainy days."
"I do not save up women for ... " Dick sighed when he realized he was trying to have a rational conversation with a very drunk drunk. "Roy, something set you off today. Any chance you might remember what it was?"
"It was today?"
"Wasn't it today? OR was it last night? Roy, do you know when you started drinking?"
"Dude, I can't even remember when I stopped."
"You just stopped. When I gave you the coffee. Ten minutes ago. What set you off? What hurt you? And where is Lian?"
"Lian's with Auntie Donna and Uncle Kyle. He came to visit and they wanted to take Lian to Coney Island. Lian'd rather be with Auntie Donna because Lian wants a mommie and I'm not a good mommie. I'm a bad mommie." Roy was on the verge of a crying jag. Dick started to panic. A crying drunk was something he REALLY didn't want to deal with.
"So," Dick began, "do you need a woman to be a good mommie to Lian, or do you need Donna?"
"Yes." Roy replied.
Dick rolled his eyes. That was definitely NOT a yes or no question. Ho-Boy. This was gonna be a long night. Dick took the mugs and moved to refill the cups. Roy rose on wobbly legs and moved to Dick's computer desk. Placing his hands on the keyboards, he tried kissing the screen.
"What are you doing?" Dick yelled from the kitchen as he started for his wayward friend. Roy turned to answer but was stopped when he heard a deep voice coming from the screen.
"Harper? This is a secure channel. What are you doing?" Roy had heard that last phrase somewhere before.
Dick grabbed Roy by the arm and faced Batman on the computer screen. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He's drunk. He was trying to make out with my computer. Go back to whatever you were doing. I'll take care of this."
Batman glared and closed the connection.
'I'm killing you Harper, when you're sober. I want you to realize that I'm killing you.' Dick thought to himself. He was NEVER going to hear the end of this from Bruce. He was going to get that same old speech he'd get when he was a teenager about choosing your friends wisely and bad influences. Dick sighed.
"Even Batman doesn't like me Robbie," Roy whined as he tried to spin around and started to fall.
Dick grabbed Roy and kept him from hitting the floor. "He never liked you. But you want a woman to like you. He's NOT a woman."
"Oh, that's right," Roy said as he let Dick lead him to the sofa. He almost fell on the sofa, his head was spinning, he didn't remember Superman punching him, but he was sure he must have for his head to feel like it did.
"I'd introduce you to my old Super, but she moved."
"Was she a ladies man? No.. wait, I mean... yeah... No..."
"I know what you mean. I think you'd have liked her. And she was sensible enough to maybe be good for you. Too bad she met this EMT she fell for. Literally," Dick mumbled that last as he sat beside Roy. He understood his friend's mood, if not his way of coping with it. Roy had really loved only two women in his life. One was an international assassin and the mother of his child. Jade was serving a life sentence now and they had all thought Roy was finally over her.
The other love of Roy's life was Donna Troy. Everyone thought it was puppy love when they first started dating. They were all of the ripe old age of fourteen at the time they first started dating. Dick had to admit, at the time he had been so jealous of Roy. Dick had also liked Donna back then, but she only had eyes for Roy. But they grew out of the relationship, as fourteen year olds do and they each went on to have their own lives. But they had reconnected a little over a year ago and for a while they were getting serious, or at least Roy thought they had been. Donna was just trying to prove she wasn't the perfect person Wally remembered her being.
Dick knew that breakup was a lot harder on Roy than he liked to admit. Having Kyle come and take Donna and Lian off for the day must have really hurt Roy. Dick was brought out of his musings, by Roy's overly loud speech.
"So, c'mon, man, the nights young. The city's gotta be full of nice girls"
"Roy, you can hardly stand up. I don't wanna think about what would happen if we went bar hopping. Last time I was with you in a bar and you were drunk we ended up in jail. That'd be kinda embarrassing here, seeing as how I'd probably have to arrest us."
"Know any cute cops?"
"Oh good grief," Dick sighed as he placed his hand over his eyes.
"Yo Charlie Brown, we've got a crisis. Babe, need, me. Now."
"I'm gonna regret this. I know I am. If you REALLY want to go, I'll drive. BUT -- I AM NOT DRINKING with you. I'm your DD. OK!"
"But Robbie! I don't' want to meet women in bars. I want a nice woman."
"Well, I'm sorry Roy. I don't happen to have any of those under my bed."
"What about on top of your bed?"
"Don't go there."
"So there is! And you're not sharing!" Roy pouted his lips as he looked at Dick.
"No woman is here in my apartment. You AND I are the only ones here in the apartment right now."
Dick's computer came to life behind them. Roy heard the soft feminine voice coming from the speakers. "Hey, Short-Pants, you there?"
Roy turned around to see the visage of Barbara Gordon gracing Dick's screen. "Baby!" Roy yelled as he made a staggered dash to the computer. He kissed the screen as he finally understood how Dick could have a relationship with a box. Oracle never looked like this when it talked to the Titans. It didn't sound like this either, this sounded sexy.
Dick jumped up and tried to stop him, but Roy continued to slobber on his screen.
"FBW, you want to explain," Barbara's voice echoed throughout the apartment.
Dick whined as he turned and started pounding his head against his apartment wall. "Why me? I'm a good guy! What'd I do?"
Roy's inebriated voice added to the din caused by beating his head against the wall that was ringing in Dick's ears, "Dude, I always thought these things were coffee cup holders. Now I get what you insert. You -- "
"Roy!" Dick growled as he rubbed his now bruised forehead.
Roy continued undeterred. "Man, you were right this chick is almost as hot as the Huntress."
"Almost! Dick Grayson!" Barbara's very angry voice started from the speakers when the sound of breaking glass and sparks caused Dick to turn back to his computer table. He saw Roy Harper laying in the middle of his now crashed computer monitor, smoke was billowing around him. Maybe he had electrocuted himself. No, that was too much to hope for. Dick watched as Roy moaned and sat up, brushing slivers of glass from his red hair. He could use lethal force. The police academy said that lethal force was justified in some situations. IF this wasn't that situation, Dick didn't know what was.
Roy smiled as he looked at Dick, "Dude, what a rush."
THE END