When he came back home, he was expecting to find her sleeping on the couch in front of TV switched on. But when he closed the door behind him as quietly as possible and went into the living room, he stopped his tracks, shocked by what he saw. She was there. She was sitting on the floor, with her knees pulled to her chest and bottle of whisky in one hand.
He dropped his bag on the floor and ran to her, kneeling in front of her. He gently lifted her chin up and looked at her closely. She looked awful. Swollen eyes, black streaks on her cheeks. When their eyes met he saw pain in her green irises.
„Kate," he whispered. Of all the things in the world, the one he hated the most was looking at her pain. He suppose to protect her, not let this happened. He should do everything possible to make her happy. "What happened?" He gently took the bottle away and put in on the table.
„Lily… I… I let her down… I wasn't able to save her…" she stammered, choking on her tears.
„Kate, it's not your…"
„Don't you say that, Castle!" she interrupted him. Her voice was strong and weak at the same time. Or maybe she was weak in this moment? "This one time, just don't say that, because we both know it is my fault!" She pushed his hand away and stood up. "I must have missed something, made a mistake!"
„Kate, sometimes psychopath is just a psychopath," he quoted her own words, but he had no idea how this would help.
„See this?" She picked up her badge from the table. "Fuck it," She threw it across the room breaking the glass in the case. "I don't deserve it, you know?!" Her breath was fast and fitful. "Tell me, how somebody like me could help others?" She pointed at herself. She was wearing black, lacy panties and his shirt too big for her, taken out of the closet in a hurry. "I'm the one who needs help," she whispered. "I hate myself for it. Tough and independent detective. I guess it's not how you imagined the inspiration for Nikki Heat," she laughed. She dug her nails into her forearm and ran them through the whole of its length, leaving red marks and small blood droplets. "You know what I hate more than myself?" she asked and without waiting for an answer she took off her shirt. "This" She touched the scar between her breasts with her long fingers. "It's damaged me." Once more she dug her nails into her arms inflicting the pain. She closed her eyes and single tear ran down her cheek.
Castle jumped up from the floor, held her wrists and pulled her closer.
„Let me go, Castle," she whispered, even though she knew it was all for nothing. She didn't try to struggle. She just pressed her face to his collarbone, letting him to embrace her.
Never he has felt so helpless. The only thing he could do was to hold her in his arms. He knew it was the only way to help her. Protect her from herself.