This is supposed to be set after 3x12. I've only seen about 4 episodes from season 3 though, so I apologize for any mistakes in continuity with the show.

Dear Emily,

I don't want to start with saying I'm sorry. Although I will, because I think that will make you more likely to read the rest of this letter - and it is very important to me that you do. Though this isn't the start of the letter anymore.

I met you what feels like forever ago. We've been beside each other through some really terrible things, some really wonderful things, and some things that I would rather not remember. I don't want to lose you, Em. Not over something like this.

All these threats we've been getting, and these things we've been doing to try to keep each other safe. I wish I could blame this on someone else. I wish I could tell you this had nothing to do with me. But it does. It's all my fault, and no one else's. I messed up, and I've hurt you. Hurt Aria and Hanna too, come to think of it, because we are a team, and one of us does not go down without the rest of us.

I know you were happy. I also know I royally fucked up. You deserve a better friend then me. I should have helped you be happy instead of doubting you, or doubting your ability to judge character. I was wrong.

I've been paranoid since this all started, we all have been. Just, me the most. My mind travels so fast, and I just can't stop it sometimes. We're always running to keep up with everything that's happening. Always moving in this endless web of fear and mistrust. How can you blame me for tripping up?

No. You can blame me. The point of this letter is not to relieve me of guilt, rather to burden you with forgiveness. No, not burden.

I think you're amazing Emily. Have I ever told you that? You're fearless and kind and forgiving. You make other people's lives so much richer. You bring out the best in all of us. I just wanted to protect you. I didn't want to lose you.

I didn't want the light in my life to get snuffed out.

I didn't want you to fade into the land of memory. Though it seems like now you just might. Fade out of my life, that is. Not get snuffed out.

I have something I need to tell you. Apart from the apologies and the excuses. I need you to understand something.

This is hard. I'm scared of what might happen if I tell you this. This is so, so difficult.

Imagine a large gaping space here, Em. Imagine endless expanses of white. That's all I can see.

That and the disappointment on your face.

Your face.

Your beautiful, beautiful face.

I want to hold you. I want to hold you and not stop holding you until all that terrible stuff goes away. I want you to be safe, and happy. But I want you to be safe and happy with me. I know that sounded strange, so please hear me out. Maybe I should have started with that. It seems now like more of a hook than the roundabout mess up there. Anyways.

I don't know when it started, but I know that it had to have started a long time ago. Feelings like this don't just appear overnight. But it seems like they can get shaken out from wherever they were hiding overnight. Maybe I'm getting shaken out too, because I can't stop thinking about you.

I just sit here, or pace, or stare out the window, and all I can think of is how much I want to be near you. How much I want to hear your voice, or feel your touch.

Or touch you. Feel you.

I want you to know that I'm sorry for accusing Paige of wanting to hurt you. I know better now. I know she loves you, and would do anything to protect you.

But Emily, I want you to know that what I just said about Paige? The same goes for me. And not just the protecting you part. The loving you part as well. And I know we all love each other, because we're friends. But I love you. I love you in a way that I am just realizing. And I'm not sorry I didn't realize it sooner, because it would have hurt just as much. I'm just sorry that I didn't understand that what I was doing would hurt the both of us. I wasn't supportive of you. I didn't trust you. I thought I knew better than anyone else.

Turns out I didn't know a whole hell of a lot.

I didn't know that when we thought you could really, really be dead, a part of me would wake up from wherever it's been hiding and make everything that much clearer.

I love you Em. I love you, and I am so, so sorry.

You deserve friends who are going to be strong, and protect your best interests and know when to stop. Not friends riddled with a jealousy that they aren't even able to recognize.

I want you to forgive me. And I want you.

I want you here with me, so I can hold you, and know that you are safe from harm, and that you forgive me. And I want you to love me too. To feel the way I feel, and to want to hold me just as much as I want to hold you.

So I will say again, I'm sorry Emily.

Sincerely,

Spencer Hastings

Emily doesn't know what to do when she finishes the letter. She's sitting at her desk, her room dark except for the dim light coming in from the street. The letter is clutched in her hands like it might disappear, and her gaze is fixated on the gentle curve of Spencer's scrawl. The slope of her name.

The low thrum of familiar voices comes from downstairs, warm and comforting, startling Emily from the depths of her thoughts, bringing her back to the present. She gets up quickly, adjusting her shirt as she glances out the window, preparing herself to re-join the world downstairs.

Her hands move almost involuntarily, and before she knows it she is crushing the paper in her left hand and tossing it into her trash bin.

She has to stop at the doorway to wipe the tears from her eyes.