"What do you mean I can't stay?"
"Cas, it's just a safety thing, for Sam."
Cas stood up from his chair, and got in Dean's face.
"How is Sam not safe with me here? I don't understand why you are asking me to leave. You just found me."
Cas was staring into Dean's eyes, he couldn't think of a good reason, one that would explain anything, without giving Ezekiel away, he hated having to even ask this of Cas.
"Dammit Cas, can you just please trust me on this, I need you to go for Sam's safety, please understand that."
"No, Dean. Not this time, give me an answer." Cas just kept staring at him, urging him to give a straight answer, and Dean was so tired of lying to the people he cared about, so he cracked.
"Fuck, it's because there's an angel in Sammy right now, and it's not safe for you to be here too."
"Why?"
"I, well…"
"No, who is this angel? Why isn't it safe? This place is supposed to be warded against everything."
"It is warded! I'm not; he just said that the reapers could find you again!" Dean was trying to keep his voice down, so that Sam wouldn't hear him, but he was getting frustrated trying to explain something he both had to do, and something he didn't want to do, at the same time. Having an angel here was really causing more problems, but Sam needed to get well.
Cas watched Dean pace back and forth beside the table in the bunker, he seemed to be overly agitated. Cas hoped he could convince him to let him stay. He didn't understand how the wards wouldn't hold; sure reapers could get through a lot, but this place had been kept a secret for decades… Trying to use a calming voice, he asked:
"Dean, who is it?"
Dean automatically stopped walking when he heard Cas' voice, turning to look at him.
"It's Ezekiel, the one you said was ok, he is right? Because I am so done with being fucked over by angels."
"Yes, Dean. He is, or was good, maybe I should speak with him." Cas started to walk towards the other room, where Sam had been, when Dean stopped him.
"Wait, Cas, not yet, I don't think we should bring him into it, Sammy's not doing well and he doesn't know about the angel." Dean noticed Cas giving him to confused head tilt that he does, finding that he had missed seeing Cas do that. Dean shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts, no need to start thinking about that again. "Look let's just try to find something here to fight or ward off reapers, I mean, shit this place is huge, there has to be something here!"
"We can look Dean, I believe there is something to stop Reapers, and we have Angel blades for protection as well." Dean snorted at that. "Why are you laughing? I believe this is a serious matter Dean."
"Sorry man, just Angel protection! That's never going to get old!" Dean was laughing so hard now, he was crying. Cas didn't understand how using the Angel blade as protection was funny; they had more important things to think of.
"Dean."
"Right, sorry, I'm good now." Dean wiped his mouth, and motioned Cas to follow him. They headed to the main room, where most of the books were. Sam was no longer in there, but Dean could hear him in the kitchen. He just hoped that he stayed in there, at least until they could find something. Cas couldn't leave again, he just found him. "This is where most of the books are, might be some in boxes somewhere too. Well actually, there are more down in the dungeon too."
Cas looked sharply at Dean when he said dungeon.
"You have mentioned this before, but why do you have a dungeon?"
"Well, Cas, it came with the place." Dean smiled at Cas, "Wanna see it?"
Dean seemed to be excited about showing off the dungeon, so Cas indulged him by nodding. Following Dean through the bunker, he was glad Dean and Sam had found a home, they both deserved a safe place to stay.
"I am glad you have a safe place to stay Dean, you deserve it."
"So do you Cas, but thanks man"
Cas looked at Dean for a moment, as they started walking further into the bunker, considering what Dean just said, he felt special. Being human was more confusing than he had thought, the feelings he got when he was having intercourse with April were exciting, but fleeting, he didn't think it was something he wanted to happen again, at least without love first. Perhaps that was why God had made it a sin to have intercourse before marriage. He had dearly missed Dean, he had missed Sam too, but it wasn't the same feelings he could tell that much at least.
"Thank you Dean, It means a lot to me, that you are trying to first ward the place, instead of just kicking me out, I do not know how I would survive without you."
Dean stopped as they reached the doors that took them into the dungeon. Turning to look at Cas, he got close to him, grabbed his shoulder, and looked into his eyes, trying to get the point across.
"I do not want you to leave Cas. You have to at least understand that."
"I do Dean, you are trying."
"Cas, listen, after Sammy you are the most important person to me, if he wasn't dying right now, I would just tell Ezekiel to fuck off, but I can't lose Sammy again."
Castiel understood, he did, but he also wondered something else.
"Dean you must know that one day Sam will die."
Dean clinched his eyes shut at that, he wasn't stupid he knew eventually something would happen, and he would die for good, hell he may even die by getting in a car crash, but not now.
"I know Cas, but not yet, and I'm not losing you either." Thinking about that, after Cas had actually just died, was harder than he thought. fuck if I don't need him here, screw what Ezekiel said, Cas is staying.
Turning around to push the doors opened, Dean stepped through and moved straight to the boxes stacked up, starting to pull things down. "These are, well fuck if I know what they are, but more shit to look at. you know what to look for? Still got your angel brains?"
Cas just gave Dean a weathering look, "Yes Dean, I am still essentially an angel, I may forget things, but as I did not choose to fall, I kept most of my knowledge; Though as time goes on, I may forget more things, because I will no longer have the brain capacity on an angel."
"Right then, well how about you speed read through this shit and find us some reaper warding."
Castiel walked over to where dean was, and started to go through the boxes. Dean had started to back out of room while Cas was distracted, planning to go finish his burrito. Just as he was sliding out the door, Cas' voice stopped him.
"Dean, are you not planning to help?" Cas was looking at him with such a sincere look, like he couldn't believe Dean was leaving the room.
"Well, I really don't know what to look for, so I was just going to go eat" There, Cas wouldn't question that; everyone knew Dean wasn't smart enough for research.
Cas barely looked at him when he said:
"Dean, don't play stupid, I know you are intelligent, now come here." And so Dean huffed and moved over to Cas.
"What is it I'm even looking for then? I only know English, ya know. "
"You can start by looking for different words for Reaper; Latin would be any of, nex, mortalitas, mors mortis, letum, plecto aliquem capite, excessum, and decessus. There are other languages too, but I find most things can be derived from Latin, so it's much simpler to start there, although you-"
"Dude, stop, I barely remember the first word you said, that's enough for now."
"I apologize, Dean. Though I wished you wouldn't hide your intelligence from people, you are smart and it's something to be proud of." Cas said, trying to be kind, smiling at Dean the way he was, but it just confused him. Sure he knew, he wasn't actually stupid but hearing it from other people, and not Sam, it was different, and yeah it probably meant more coming from Cas too. you know, just because he was an angel, or used to be, not for any other reason, because really what other reason was there? none that's it!
So Dean and Cas looked through the boxes upon boxes of files, that had been in the bunker for who knows how long, hoping to find warding against a reaper. Dean was trying not to get distracted by thinking of what if they couldn't find anything, what if Cas had to leave, what would happen to him. Fuck, he had been gone for days, and he got tortured and killed! That couldn't happen again; they had to find something, because he was not losing anyone else. Hell if he had to, maybe he would just keep Sam/Ezekiel in a ring of holy fire, let him try and leave then.
Castiel wasn't so easily distracted, he could also read faster than Dean, seeing as he knew much more languages and could understand the differences in each one. Getting through most of the boxes fairly quickly, he decided he may as well organize them a bit, to help Dean research better in the future, although a lot of things seemed to be sorted fairly neatly. The Men of Letters did know what they were doing after all.
After a couple hours, Sam had started to look for them, finding them in the dungeon reading, and surrounded by boxes. This was probably the weirdest thing he had ever seen Dean do, and he had seen him do weird shit.
"What are you guys doing?
Dean jumped, not having heard Sam walk in,
"Dude, don't sneak up on me!"
Castiel smiled at Dean's nerves, answering Sam
"We are trying to find warding against a Reaper."
All of a sudden Sam's eyes flashed blue, and he turned to look at Dean.
"What are you doing? I thought we had come to an agreement."
"Well I didn't exactly like that agreement then, now did I?" Dean looked pissed off, which was weird in a way, because he was looking at Sam, but knowing it was Ezekiel in there, and that he was making him choose between two people made it a hell of a lot easier. "Cas is not leaving, he could very easily die out there, and I will not go through that again."
Cas was looking between the two, but decided that he need not get in between, it's not like he could do much of anything, and having a ward would provide more sway as it is. So he went back to researching.
Ezekiel didn't look happy about it, but by the look on Dean's face, he was a little worried about what would happen if he tried to leave.
"If you can find a suitable ward in three days, I will not leave." After saying that, Sam's eyes flashed again, and he was back, looking at Dean expectantly.
"Well, did you find something?"
Dean shook his head, not liking this back and forth shit, wishing that Sam would hurry up and heal, so everything would go back to normal, or semi normal at least, tired of always lying
"I haven't yet; Cas?"
Cas looked up at Dean, and then back at Sam, realizing that Ezekiel was gone again, preferring it that way, but still knowing that Ezekiel could still hear everything they said.
"I may have found something, it's not much though, and I may need more ingredients than you have here." Cas glanced down at the pages he was reading, noting that he needed blood, of course always do, and some herbs. Showing the page to Dean first, "We will need these herbs, and some blood, though it doesn't specify what kind, so I assume human would work."
Dean looked over the pages, and then took them from Cas' hands, and gave them to Sam,
"I don't know what the fuck this shit is, and do we have any of this?"
Sam also looked over the pages quickly, but also more thoroughly than Dean did, if only because he actually knew what they had in the kitchen and some things that were also stored in a deep freezer that was behind the kitchen.
"Yeah, I think we actually have most of this."
"Really? Some of those are very rare." Castiel was surprised, and it showed on his face. Sam wondered if it had to do with the new human experience, if he was just being more expressive, or the lack of grace was making it easier to show that emotion. Sam had always thought Cas cared for them, Dean more than him, but this was a different level. Maybe it was just the sex, which was weird in and of it.
"Yeah, Cas, there is actually a deep freeze behind the kitchen; it's actually pretty well stocked. It's filled with mostly spell ingredients, but some other stuff too."
"What like food?" Dean was happy about that, actually liking to cook, and have a home, made life easier.
Sam turned to look at Dean, "well yes its food, but I don't know if it's good, I mean it's been decades since anyone has been in there, do you really wanna trust that?" Dean gave him a dirty look.
"Dude, its food!" He got up to go towards the kitchen.
Sam just laughed at Dean as he walked out, turning back to Cas, who was watching Dean walk out with a smile on his face. Sam's face looked puzzled for a second, but then just shook it off as a Cas quirk.
"I guess we should follow him and find those ingredients, see what else we may need to find." Sam turned and started to walk out the door, opening it he glanced back at Cas.
Castiel had stood up and was looking at the boxes that were scattered over the floor, some of the files littering the floor; he had a concentrated look on his face.
"What are you doing, Cas?"
When Cas looked at Sam, he had a sad look on his face, and then bit his lip and looked down starting to walk towards the door too. Finally Sam realized what had happened, that Cas had tried to put everything with his Grace, the Grace that was no longer there. He felt terrible for his friend, "Cas-"
"No, don't." He walked off with his head down. It was difficult sometimes, he forgot he couldn't just fix things, even the mundane things like cleaning; he wouldn't be able to heal Sam or Dean. He was useless; he was just going to have to accept that now.
Sam followed him, deciding he was going to talk to Dean about this, they couldn't let Cas become depressed, or think that he was useless, because he wasn't, he knew way more than they did and could still fight well. Sure maybe he didn't know how to do simple things, like use a gun, but he was more useful than anyone else. Cas probably knew more than Kevin, ok he definitely knew more than Kevin, but Kevin could read the tablets. He was just confusing himself right now, he needed to talk to Dean.
They got to the kitchen soon, and could hear Dean looking through stuff, muttering to himself.
"This way Cas." Said Sam and Cas followed Sam to a small opening, which looked like it was cut out of the wall, made sense, because if all those ingredients were in there, having the enemy find they would spell nothing but trouble. The room was much bigger than it looked like could fit, but then again the whole bunker was like that, seeing how it was built underground, everything could just stretch out. He watched Dean as he walked around the room, which was about 40 feet by 60 feet and had shelves that were 7 feet tall lined up as aisles. Dean was smiling as he picked up things, smelled them, and put it back down, sometimes grimacing at the smell. It was all very appealing.
Sam started walking down the aisles, checking the paper and seeing if they would have all of the ingredients, hoping to get this done quickly, so they could at least have that worry off their shoulders.
Cas wanted to go to Dean to see what he was doing, but decided he should be more helpful, and look for ingredients first; they would have more time together after they fixed this. So Sam and Cas spent the next 20 minutes looking for ingredients, while Dean did something.
Dean was quite happily going through the things on the shelves, some of it was shit, but most could still be used for dinners. He just needed to get some meat, he was sure he could probably find a butcher. It'd be nice to cook Cas something, see if he liked his cooking hell it'd probably be the first good meal he got, after being homeless. This was another reason they needed this spell, or ward, to work, he doesn't need another thing to worry about.
"Hey Cas, you eat a burger yet?" Dean shouted over to Cas, who stopped looking at the roots he had in his hand.
"No I do not believe I have had one yet, not since before." Cas smiled at Dean, remembering how proud he had been to cook, wanting to give Dean the pleasure of cooking again, "I would like to try yours if you were to cook again."
Dean smiled.
"That's the plan, buddy. You get the Dean Winchester Special."
Sam snorted behind the shelves;
"And what kind of special is that Dean?" he smirked at him.
"Shut up Sam. And get back to work." Dean pointed at him, before he left the room, he needed to go to the store, get some beef anyways. He might pick up a deep fryer too, make Cas some fries, he needs a good meal, not shit from a convenient store. Dean nodded to himself as he climbed up the stairs and outside. He considered making a list, but that was a little too chick-ish for him. Besides he'd remember everything.
Back at the bunker, Cas and Sam have found everything they needed to start the wards,
"I am very surprised everything is here, and usable."
"I am too, actually, but we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, ya know?" Castiel just gave him an odd look at that. "Right, well let's bring this stuff into the main room, and get started."
Cas nodded, started gathering things together, and walked out.
"The sooner we can get this finished, the sooner we can eat. Now I find myself constantly hungry for something. " Cas told him.
Sam laughed nodding along to what Cas said.
"Okay so basically, we just need to mix this together, whilst saying the incantation, and then paint these symbols along the north, south, east, and west walls. Which is pretty normal for warding, so simple; Right?"
"Yes Sam, which is all we need to do, although I do wish there was a way to test it."
Sam looked over at him frowning,
"Won't it like light up or something?"
"Maybe, not really sure, some wards do, others don't. Without my Grace I am unable to see whether it's working or not. Maybe you could though." Cas turned to stare at Sam as he said this.
"Uh, why would I be able to see?" Sam was confused, it's like Cas was doing the same thing Dean did yesterday, but different.
"Nothing Sam, I am just not used to not being able to do things, it is hard sometimes." Now Sam felt bad, he really didn't know how to comfort Cas that was more Dean's thing, at least when it came to Cas.
"Let's just try and see how it goes, worth a shot." Sam smiled.
They began to mix everything together, Cas muttering the incantation as needed. It actually went pretty quickly, which was a good thing, because they really needed to get the wards set up as quickly as possible. Once finished with that part, they divided the mixture and Sam went to paint the west and south walls, while Cas did the East and North. There was no flash to indicate if it had worked or not, Cas thought perhaps Sam had not finished yet, but when he walked back into the main room, Sam was already sitting at table.
"Was there any indication that your symbols worked, Sam?"
Sam shook his head, "No, but it's not like we can see the Angel warding, so maybe it's the same?" He voiced it as a question hoping that Castiel would have some kind of answer.
"I am not sure, as normally I had been able to sense them, it is possible though. "
~.~
When Dean got back from store, he had 5 bags full of food with him.
"Well guys, we are going to be eating good tonight!" He smiled at both of them, but stopped when he saw the frown on Cas' face. He turned to Sam with a raised eyebrow, but Sam just motioned for Dean to talk to him.
"Cas you want to learn to cook?" Dean figured it'd be easier on both of them to talk if they had something to do with their hands. "So let's start taking stuff out of bags and I'll show how to cut up the potatoes into fries, you'll love that."
"Okay" replied Cas, reaching into one of the bags. Both men started taking everything out of the bags and spreading it out on the counter, not all of it was going to be used for today, so Dean moved to put those things into the cupboard. After that, he looked over his assortment, having left out the seasonings from the freezer earlier; he had ground beef, potatoes, beans, some pre-made cole-slaw, and a cherry pie with ice cream. He had considered making a home-made pie, but it's been awhile since he's tried that and they had important things to do today.
"Alright Cas, pretty much all you need to do is peel the potatoes first, and then just cut them into stripes, doesn't really matter size, as long as they are roughly the same size. I got us a deep fryer!" Dean looked really excited about this, so Cas smiled at him and nodded, hoping he would be able to do this.
"This should be fairly simple; I have used a blade for millennia."
"That's good Cas, I got faith in your knife skills" Dean laughed.
As Cas started to peel the potatoes, Dean went to wash his hands, and start mixing up the seasonings for the beef patties. "So, did you guys find everything you needed?"
Cas sighed, "Yes, we did, but I am unsure if it worked, as I cannot see the warding myself and they did not indicate otherwise. I am finding that I do not have as many uses. "
"No Cas, you are useful, I don't want to hear that crap, about you not having a reason to be here, there are plenty of things you can do that we can't. Besides, when we did that spell for Dick, we didn't know if it was going to work, there was no flash or sparkle, and you had your grace then. So don't give me that shit."
"I understand that Dean, but I believe it was a different matter, and was thinking that maybe Ezekiel could test it to see." Cas looked to Dean for his approval.
"Yeah Cas that would be smart, figured he'd probably try to check it out anyways, but good on you man. I'm glad you're here."
Cas smiled at Dean, it was good to know that Dean cared for him the same.
"I am glad I am here with you too."
They both went back to what they were doing, Cas cutting, Dean mixing seasoning into beef, when Sam walked into kitchen.
"I have checked wards, they seem to be working." Then he turned back around and left. Dean looked at Cas confused for a second, before he realized that it was actually Ezekiel and not Sam that had come into kitchen.
"Huh. Well at least now we don't have to get his attention, and confuse Sam."
"Confuse me about what?" Sam asked as he walked into kitchen, again, even though he didn't know that.
"Uh, well, I forgot vegetables." Dean shrugged at him, hoping that was a good enough excuse.
"Really, Dean? You know I might not be the only one that likes them now, maybe Cas does too." Sam said gesturing to Cas as he did. Cas stood silently, not wanting to cause trouble.
"Well Sam, I'm sure Cas likes everything just fine how it is, right?" Dean looked over at Cas, smiling, thinking of course Cas would agree with him.
"I do like tomatoes."
"See Dean, not everyone is hateful towards produce; I'm going up to the store to get some things for a salad." Sam grabbed the Impala's keys off the counter and took off.
Dean turned to Cas with a betrayed look.
"Cas how could you? Vegetables! That's chick food man."
"It's good to be healthy Dean, now that I will eventually die."
Hearing Cas say that sobered Dean up quickly, he didn't really want to think about his angel dying, not ever. That was a weird thought, his angel, since when was Cas his? Especially since, at the moment he wasn't actually an angel either.
"Hey Cas, you think we can get your grace back?"
Cas stopped, to really think about it. Sure it would be nice, but would it even be possible, he wanted the angels back in heaven, but we he really thought about it, he didn't want to leave Dean either.
"I'm not certain Dean, it's possible, but I may have to come to terms with not being able to go back."
"Well we'll try everything we can; we have to figure out what Metatron did anyways, and hopefully get your grace back in the process."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No Cas, I don't but I want you safe and whole. Hell you can still stay here all angel-ed up, whatever you want." Dean wanted Cas here of course, but he didn't want to force him, so he was trying to be fair.
"I think I would like to stay with you Dean, no matter how it turns out." Cas smiled at him.
"That's really good Cas." Dean smiled back.