Focusing on JD and his insecurities. With a bit of JD/Elliot blended in.
He gave her one last kiss before she waved and left his apartment feeling a little giddy. JD sighed to himself. He always seemed to find himself back with Elliot.
The reason was simple: they were both looking for the same thing they couldn't seem to find within themselves. They both felt like they there was no exit from the doubts and insecurities. They themselves were to blame for allowing the self-doubt to restrain them and block them from escaping the rut they found themselves in.
He was a doctor for God's sake. He was told that he was a damn good one. Yet it didn't matter. That didn't stop him questioning himself. It didn't make the voices in his head any more confident. Elliot felt the same and there was a sense of comfort in that. To feel close and cling to another, who felt just as low and hopeless as himself, gave him bitter solace.
Maybe if he felt like his success as a doctor counted in his personal life he wouldn't feel like a failure. But it didn't, he lived two different lives: one at the hospital as Dr. John Dorian and the other at home as JD. Even so he felt like all he would be known for was his screw-ups as JD, and that what he accomplished at work meant nothing outside of the hospital.
He was weary of trying to shoot a ball into a hoop only to watch the ball not even hit the basket rim. He had failed at everything that he wanted to accomplish in: trust, family, commitment, and relationships.
Hopelessness is a feeling you cant shake, a feeling that follows you like a stalking phantom.
The mantra was like a song that played continually in his head, a song that wouldn't be silenced.
JD was a pretty good actor though, wearing a mask that lied to the world and convinced them that he was fine. Sometimes the mask would slip off, but he would re-adjust it. Maybe if he understood that all the doubt and lack of pride in himself didn't really matter. Maybe if he learned to let all the little things bother him, he wouldn't feel so depressed. But confidence isn't a little thing, it did matter to him and he was bothered by his lack of it.
Sadly JD didn't understand that if he would only quit comparing himself to everyone else in his life, and see them as they really were rather than as he idealized them, than maybe he could look at his reflection and be proud of the man that he saw, seeing a man who had done great things and was capable of more great deeds.
Instead he blamed his dad who never really was proud that his son had finished medical school. It was God's fault for taking his mom too soon because he had needed her to encourage him and rub his back every step of the way. His older brother wasn't too innocent either. He had been a lousy role model, and relied on his younger brother to pick him up. JD blamed his first girlfriend for crushing his heart that he had openly gave to her. The blame list could have went on.
He ran his palm over his face as he sat on his bed. His body felt heavy like his heart. But there was optimism in all this.
In a quiet despair he hoped that Elliot would remain in the state they were both in. Because it was okay to feel futile, as long as he wasn't alone in his misery.
He wondered if this was the way the rest of their life would be. Was this it? Like two sides of the same coin were they suppose to be together? They never had a chance for any other fate it seemed.
With a sad smile JD said quietly, "We never had it at all."