Author's Notes: I wrote this immediately after the release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix as sort of a memorial to our dearly departed Sirius Black. Until now, it had only been posted in an obscure place on a message board that I frequent, but I decided I ought to post it now.
This is the ONLY songfic I've ever written, and I intend to keep it that way. The song is "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls. I do NOT own the song lyrics, and can only adore from afar those who wrote it. I do NOT own Harry Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, or any other characters from J.K.Rowling's incredible world of magic. I just like to write about them.
WARNING: This fic contains SLASH. Male/male romantic pairing – Remus/Sirius, to be precise. If you don't like that sort of thing, DON'T read this. You've been warned.
Enjoy…
*****
There's a letter on the desktop that I dug
out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams
*****
Remus Lupin's head tipped forward into trembling hands, and his shoulders shook silently. It had been three days since Sirius had disappeared from his existence, had been lost to him forever, and the bleeding hole it left in his heart was as fresh a wound as ever. If anything, it was worse now. Had Harry not been there, had Remus not found himself holding the boy back from running after his godfather, Remus might well have gone running after Sirius for himself. Somewhere in the self-imposed role of Harry's protector, and the sense of shock, the suddenness with which Sirius had been wrenched from his life, it hadn't really sunk in... until now. Now, with the sad duty of going through the personal affairs of his best friend, his confidant, and his lover, the dagger in his heart had plunged fully to the hilt, and was slowly twisting in circles.
He pulled the palms of his hands away from his eyes and stared down at the tearstained letter. It had been about Harry, about Sirius's demand not to keep his godson in the dark any longer, and Remus's ongoing insistence to follow Dumbledore's advice. Written in Remus's fine yet rushed script, the words were simultaneously a hard set of instructions and a lover's plea for Sirius to stay safe.
Sirius,
Things are coming to a head here. You know it as well as I do. I know you don't trust Snape to teach Harry anything, but Dumbledore is certain it's the finest instruction he could receive. What Harry saw in Snape's memory... well, you know that Snape has a warped and twisted mind. I'm sure he's conveniently forgotten all the obnoxious stunts he pulled on us. Don't worry about that, Harry will get over it. We have bigger things to worry about.
You know you're the bait. Please don't make this any harder on Harry than it has to be by making yourself into an easier target for Voldemort. I know you want to be out there. I know what you're capable of doing. Don't let Snape get to you. I'll be back soon, and we'll have a day to ourselves before the next meeting. All to ourselves. If we could make the Shrieking Shack magical, then we can do it anywhere, just us. Stay safe for Harry, and stay safe for me. He needs you, and you know I do too. I love you. -- Remus
Another tear narrowly missed his name as Remus squeezed his eyes shut. Yes, he needed Sirius, a need so powerful it threatened to pull his impaled heart from his chest. There was something about Sirius's strange balance of lightheartedness and intensity that had always managed to suit the situation. Even in the darkest times, he was the one who found humour in the situation, he was the one who could crack the joke everyone desperately needed. Remus choked a bittersweet laugh at the memory of Sirius's slightly out-of-tune rendition of "God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriffs" last Christmas. Still, Sirius was decisive, strong-willed, and he spoke his mind no matter what the protest. He was the one who had seen the need to let Harry know everything. He was the one who had insisted that the boy was old enough to know. If only people had listened.
When his godson had been in immediate danger, there was nothing that could have kept Sirius in the house. He would have gone through a brick wall headfirst to get to Harry. Now, he's gone even further because of Harry.
Remus pulled a crumpled piece of parchment from his own pocket and read it for what must have been the hundredth time, Sirius's last words to him before they had launched into the frenzy at the Ministry. In messy, hastily written words, Sirius had sent him the message, "I'm coming, and you can't stop me."
How Remus wished he had stopped him now.
*****
There's not enough room in this world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most
I'm in love with your ghost
I'm in love with your ghost
*****
In Remus's hand, the piece of parchment was crushed tightly between his fingers as his fists clenched, as if making ready to battle the next wave of emotion which was looming to strike him at any second. The fingers which were wrapped tightly around the parchment should instead have been wrapped tenderly around the back of Sirius's head, pulling softly through his long black locks as they fell together. Remus had been water and earth, grounded and calming, and Sirius had been the fire, sometimes raging even beyond Remus's ability to control.
Still, that fire had been beautiful, and Remus accepted the scorching heat of that passion with relish. It had been unbearable for those many years when Sirius had been locked away in Azkaban. Remus had struggled with forcing himself to accept the truth that Sirius was a traitor to the Potters, had followed in the footsteps of his family, had turned to Voldemort. Finally, cold logic and reason had allowed him to drown out what he had believed were the last sparks of Sirius's fire in his own heart. Apparently, the fire burned much deeper than he had let himself believe.
That first embrace after all those years apart had only proven to him that a love so deep could never die away completely. It had only been disguised under his need for revenge, his confusion and anger. It had been long, lonely months after Sirius's escape on Buckbeak until they had finally had a moment together in same room, alone, that everything had flooded back. It had been their secret, the one thing they shared, the one thing besides Harry that had kept Sirius going.
For a man whose inner flame burned so brightly, without that outlet, Sirius's life would have felt as bleak as though he'd been back in Azkaban. When Sirius entered a room, Remus could almost feel a tangible heat radiating off the man. Even with their faces set neutrally as a façade for the rest of the Order, Remus couldn't help but wonder if the hot thrill he felt was broadcast like a screaming aerial signal every time his glance met Sirius's eyes. He remembered almost choking at an Order meeting just a couple of weeks prior when he'd felt Sirius's foot sliding up his leg underneath the table. He had covered it with a cough, then forced himself to carry on listening to Snape's latest report, but under his hair, he could feel his scalp prickling uncomfortably, his ears burning red. The foot had slowly traced higher and higher against the inside of his leg before finally pulling away. It was a tease, and a promise of what was to come later. How he wished now that there would be another "later" waiting for him.
*****
Dark and dangerous like a secret, it gets
whispered in a hush (don't tell a soul)
And when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (don't
tell a soul)
When you kissed me like a lover and you stung me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper
*****
He stood up so quickly that he knocked the chair over and strode to the window, as though by looking out, he might catch a glimpse of Sirius walking up the street, coming back home to him. It was insane, it was ridiculous; he knew better that to torture himself with such thoughts. Still, strange as it was, he preferred the torture. Dumbledore had relieved him of duty to the Order for a few days, given him time to mourn, to react to the shock. Denying himself time to wallow in his pain would only make it worse later. He needed to be strong later, for himself, for the Order, for Harry. Sirius would have wanted that. Remus sighed; Sirius also would never have wanted him brooding over him.
Remus pounded his fist, still clutching the crumpled parchment, against the windowsill. Then again, Sirius loved attention. He would never have wanted to be forgotten either, and Remus, for one, was more than willing to follow the echoes of his old Siren Song.
*****
And I feel it like a sickness how this
love is killing me
But I would walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
Dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close
In love with your ghost
*****
Retreating from the window, nearly in a trance, Remus walked to the edge of Sirius's bed, the bed he had shared whenever he could. The sweet memories, which were nothing but memories now, tugged sharply at the edge of his mind, bidding him to come back and allow himself to be engulfed by the recollection of every movement, scent, and sound. He was an adult now, he reminded himself, not some lovesick teenager. He shouldn't lose himself in the moment, he couldn't be caught in the past. He shouldn't...
With a deep sigh, he threw himself onto the bed and rolled onto his back. The quilt was full of Sirius's scent, musky, laced with traces of the soap and aftershave he preferred. Dropping the parchment, Remus flung his hands to the edges of the bed and grabbed the quilt, pulling it to himself, wrapping himself in it, letting himself drown in the memories as his eyes drowned in tears. Sirius had been trapped within the walls of the house, and now Remus was trapped within the walls of his own mind, his own memory, and the piercing hollowness it left.
*****
Unknowing captor you'll never know how much you
Pierce my spirit but I can't touch you
Can you hear it a cry to be free
Oh I'm forever under lock and key
As you pass through me
*****
The pull was too much, and Remus let it swallow him. He closed his eyes, squeezing them tightly as though it could block out the reality of the loss. If he imagined hard enough, Sirius was still there. He could feel it. Sirius was standing at the end of the bed, loosening collar, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, unbuckling his belt, gazing coyly at Remus, lying on the bed in anticipation. Although they weren't touching, Remus could feel the blazing heat already. The end of the bed sagged as Sirius slowly crawled up alongside him, settling himself softly against his shoulder, draping an arm across his chest. In his mind, Remus felt the roughened fingertips tracing a line through the hollow of his hip, then along his stomach, then upwards, coming to a rest over his heart. The hand pressed flat against his chest, and Remus could feel this heart thudding against the hot pressure of skin on skin.
And then, Sirius was leaning over him, smiling roguishly. The grin brought the blood rushing to his cheeks, his lips, and every other part of his body. Through his closed eyes, he saw Sirius learn closer, hot breath against his face, the brush of lips against his own. He could hear the soft purring sound Sirius used to make, the trembling limbs, the tenuously restrained need.
*****
Now I see your face before me I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels
*****
Remus caught the hand on his chest with his own, and clutched it tightly... only to finally become aware of the fact that his hand was grasping nothing but air. The flush of warmth drained from his body and a new heat built up again around his eyes. Hot tears began to flood fresh from his eyes, and this time, there was no vision to distract him. No caring face staring down into his, no soft caress to make the terrors of the rest of the world fade away into the night. Nothing left with which he could fill the hollowness.
All that remained was the constant reminder that the best thing in his life was gone. He had nobody with whom he could share this, nor did he really want to share. This was his own pain, his own memory. To share the pain would have cheapened it, would have somehow weakened this final bond he still held with his best friend, his love. It was cold, it was painful, he was drowning in it, but it was his. He would rather spend his life bonded to Sirius, even past death, then to live even one day allowing himself to forget.
His fingers found the scrap of parchment lying next to him on the quilt. "I'm coming, and you can't stop me." Remus allowed himself a bittersweet laugh. No, nothing could stop Sirius. He clutched the parchment to his chest and sucked in a deep, ragged breath. Nothing would stop the love Remus felt for him either. Holding the depth of this loss, making it his own and nobody else's, he closed his eyes again and let himself be pulled away in the icy current. He would never forget.
*****
This bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free the river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch I am no worse at most
In love with your ghost
I'm in love with your ghost.
*****