April 12, 2013
Dear Mister Un,
My name is Tetsuwan Atom, I am also known by Astro in other countries. You probably don't know me because you don't get away from home very often. I will tell you that I am the most powerful robot in the world, I won't get specific as I'm not big headed and don't really like to brag as it seems you have a problem with.
I am a citizen of the world as the universal Laws of Robotics direct me to protect the life of every human on the planet and prevent them from harm…this includes you and the people of North Korea. I am first however a citizen of Japan as Japan is the place of my creation and the home of my creator.
Today, you made a threat against Japan. You threatened Japan with nuclear attack if Japan attempted to shoot down a missile you have threatened to launch against Japan.
Mister Un, you have directly threatened my Home, my family, my friends and the country of my birth. You can imagine why I might be a little bit upset.
Let me be clear. I'm not promising or threatening you, I am going to tell you exactly what's going to happen should you decide to go ahead and launch your missile.
If you launch a missile at Japan, I will knock it down. I will then hover between North Korea and Japan and kindly warn you not to launch another missile.
If you launch another missile, I will knock it down. I will then strongly urge you not to launch another missile.
If you launch a third missile? I will knock that missile down. I will then fly to where you launched that missile and I will tie the launcher into a steel pretzel. By this point? I suppose you'll be a little shocked and a little angry at me. That's ok.
Let me be clear Mister Un. Nothing you shoot, nothing you sling, nothing you throw at me will hurt me. If your army shows up at your front door wearing only soiled underwear and socks, it will be because they will have nothing left to fight with.
If you then persist to act stupidly, if you fire another missile at Japan, if you wish to test me further? Fine….I love games.
At that point Mister Un? I will fly to your house in Pyongyang, kick down the door and drag you out to the nearest park or open square in full view of everyone!
Now I can't hurt you Mister Un nor can I allow harm to come to you but nothing says I can't spank you.
At that point? In front of the entire world Mister Un? I will spank you so silly before the whole world that not only will you be incapable of sitting down for a whole year? If I were you're people, I wouldn't have such a moron as my leader and would promptly replace you with someone of better brains.
If you wish to continue your stupidity after that point Mister Un? Then I will fly you to the War Crimes tribunal encased in a messy, gooey ball of caramel taffy and trust me, it will take a whole year before they can fit you into a prison cell.
Now I hope…I really hope that you will come to your senses, cease these stupid threats and stop being such a jerk. I really don't want to have to put down my favorite Play Station game just to deal with a creep like you.
Sincerely,
Tetsuwan Astro Atom
P.S. My sister wanted me to tell you that Psy could Gungan kick your butt any day!