I'll be waking in the morning, a chaos walking series fanfic

[TODD]

Is this right?

I blink and I'm in one memory, like this one here, back in a classroom in old Prentisstown before Mayor Prentiss closed down the school and we're learning about why the settlers came here in the first place-

And then here I am again, in this one, where she and I are sleeping in an abandoned windmill just after leaving Farbranch and the stars are coming out and she asks me to sleep outside because my noise is keeping her awake-

Or now here, with Manchee, my brilliant, brilliant dog, when he takes the burning ember into his mouth and sets off to start a fire, the fire that will let me save-

Let me save-

Are you there?

(Viola?)

And then sometimes there are memories of things I never saw-

Spackle families in huts in a vast desert I didn't even know exsisted but that now, right here, as I stand in it, I know it's on the other side of New World, as far away as you can get but I'm inside the Spackle voices and I'm hearing what they say, seeing it, understanding it even tho the language aint mine and I can see that they know everything about us that the spackle near us do, that the voices of this world circle it , reaches into every corner and if we could just-

Or here, here I am on a hilltop next to someone whose face I just about reckernise (Luke? Les? Lars? His name is there, it's just outta reach-) but I reckernise the blindness in his eyes and I reckernise the face of the man next to him who I know is seeing for him somehow and theyre taking the weapons away from an army and they're sealing em in a mine and theyd rather just destroy the whole lot of em but the voices around em all want the weapons there, just in case things go wrong, but the seeing man is telling the blind man that maybe there's hope anyway-

Or here, too, here I am, looking down from a hill top as a huge ship, bigger than a whole town, flies overhead and comes in for a landing-

And at the same time I'm having a memory of being next too a creek bed and there's a baby spackle playing and there are men coming outta the woos and they're dragging the mother off and the baby is crying and the men come back and pick him up and load him on a cart with other babies an I know this is a memory that aint mine and that the baby is, the baby is-

And sometimes it's just dark-

Sometimes there's nothing but voices I cant quite hear, voices just beyond reach and I'm alone in the darkness and it feels like I've been here for a long, long time and I-

I cant remember my name sometimes-

Are you there?

Viola?

And I don't remember who Viola is-

Only that I need to find her-

That she's the only one who'll save me-

She's the sonly one who can-

Viola?

"…My son, my beautiful son…"

And there!

Like that!

Sometimes there it is in the middle of the darkness, in the middle of the memories, in the middle of wherever I am, doing whatever I'm doing, sometimes even in the middle of the millions of voices that create the ground I walk on-

Sometimes I hear-

"…I wish yer pa were here to see you, todd…"

Todd-

That's me-

(I think-)

(Yes-)

And that voice, that voice saying these words-

"…say aint all you like, todd, I promise not to correct you…"

Is that Viola's voice?

Is it?

(is it you?)

Because I'm hearing it more often lately, more often as the days pass, as I'm flying

thru these memories and spaces and darkness-

I'm hearing it more often among all the other millions-

"…Yer calling for me, and I will answer…"

I will answer-

Todd will answer-

Viola?

Are you calling for me?

Keep doing it, keep coming to save me-

Cuz everyday yer closer-

I can almost hear you-

I can almost-

Is that you?

Is that us?

Is that what we did?

Viola?

Keep calling for me-

And I'll keep searching for you-

You bet yer life on it-

I'll find you-

Keep calling for me, Viola-

Cuz here I come.

[VIOLA]

Sitting at Todd's bedside, I watch him for I don't know how long. Ben will be along

to call me for Christmas dinner, a dinner in celebration of an event I hadn't even

heard about before two years ago-

Two years ago when the war was declared over-

Two years ago when Todd-

I still can't look at his chest. Not for more than a few seconds (even though his

wound is healed), just to check he's still breathing, just to check he's alive-

Because I haven't heard his noise in months, no-one has, not since it spilled the memory of what happened on that day on the beach, his memory of the day when 1017-

But he's alive. Of course he is. I aint never leaving you, Viola Eade.

And 1017's alive, too. Standing, pressed up against the tent wall of the pathway's end, silently-

And it took me a while to realise this-

To push past my hatred of every stupid bone in his stupid body-

But he never leaves Todd's sides. And I don't think I hate him for it. Not anymore.

So here I am, and here he is, and I'm sat waiting for Ben to drag me away from my Todd to celebrate the birth of some kid who changed the world for the better. A kid like Todd Hewitt.

Todd sighs dreamlessly as I begin to read, with a weight so heavy it feels as if it could swallow him whole, like his whole life has just poured out of his mouth, and I swear, it's just like he's sleeping.

I smile.

"…I wish yer pa were here to see you, Todd-"

Viola?

And there. Just like that.

Nothing else matters.

[TODD]

Viola?

(Who's Viola?)

Here in the Pathways' End, everything is more peaceful than the outside world. And I swear, it's like the weirdest thing you ever known. Its not like no noise you ever heard before- it aint loud or angry or heavy, its just there, just like a river running thru yer head and thru yer veins, making you feel alive. I can feel things, I can feel joy, I can feel pain, pain that aint even mine, see pain that belongs to the Spackle-

But it don't even hurt. It don't.

But the silence is always the most comforting. It comes and goes, but it's the silence that fills my noise with fuzzy warm yellows and oranges. It's comforting like the weight I can feel atop my head now, gentle stroking, fingers that fondle my hair-

And I know what it is-

Who it is-

And when I look into her eyes for the first time since forever, I remember that the silence aint silence at all. It's her. It's all her-

And I remember her name-

And I remember everything about her-

And I remember everything that she is-

Viola.

She looks at me, wet in her eyes, that funny little crease between her eyebrows that she gets when she's confused, and it's her, it's Viola, Viola Eade, and I'm Todd Hewitt and I'm alive, I'm ruddy alive and all I know is her and I reach out to touch her face but I cant because my brain is fuzzy from the brightness of the lights that are so hard they're almost a sound and-

I'm alive-

I'm ruddy alive-

And a tear rolls outta my eyes (and I don't even care) because I need to feel her softness to make the pain go but I can't I can't I can't-

But she can-

"Todd!" she says-

And that's all I need to hear. There aint any medicine in the world that could better it-

[VIOLA]

And his eyes are open, and they're wet, just like mine, and they're the most beautiful things I think I've ever seen and I'll never take them for granted, not ever, not ever again, and-

"Todd!"

I fling my arms around his head and I know I hurt him but he doesn't care, because as I hold his head in my arms and plant kisses wherever I can, he grasps me back, pressing me to him as if he'll never let go, because he's alive, Todd Hewitt's alive, and as he sobs into my ear, as his new noise envelopes me in it's embrace, (Todd's embrace), as the Pathways' End echoes the news of Todd's waking across the whole of New World, it's all I can do to stop my heart from exploding-

"Don't you ever do that to me again, Todd Hewitt-" I gasp between tears that rip through my throat, and he laughs, Todd laughs for the first time in forever-

"I wont, Viola," he says, and as he slowly, steadily sits up from my grasp, his eyes focusing on the world around him, a grin on his face so wide that I swear it's almost touching his ears, he takes my hands in his and-

"I aint never gonna leave you, Viola Eade, not ever again. I promise."

And I hug him, and that's enough for eternity and-

The knife.

Todd freezes.

No-

Todd-

Because he knows that 1017's here, I can feel the turmoil in Todd's noise, see it, and I know that I should've told 1017 to go as soon as Todd stirred because-

Todd?

And before I even understand it, despite the pain I can feel in Todd's noise, the pain of both his body and mind-

Todd has let me go-

And is running head on at 1017-

[TODD]

And I don't know what I'm doing-

But it's 1017-

1017 who I tried to save-

1017 who's felt the weight of the land on his chest since he became the return-

1017 who can't believe I'm alive because he-

1017 who-

And I don't know how I know all this, but I'm still running, the tent too big, too long, and I can hear his noise, hear the knife's revenge, see what 1017 knows I'm going to do to him, see his imagination spilling images of his bloody, beaten body laying lifeless on the ground, me standing over him triumphantly, my knuckles white from clenching, my eyes dark and hollow with hatred-

And he's alright with it.

He don't move.

His noise is spitting these images at me, but they're calm, peaceful, and as I raise my arms-

As I raise my arms to hit him, he closes his eyes-

And he's ready-

And I'm ready-

And I-

And-

And I can't.

I slam into 1017, wrapping my arms round him, and wet clouds my eyes and I don't-

I can't-

"I'm sorry-" I say-

I'm sorry-

I'm sorry.

Ask marks cloud 1017 as I stand against him crying (shut up shut up shut up), and I don't know why I haven't hurt him, and I don't know why I'm apologising and I aint even sure I know what I'm doing, but I do know that I'm stupid, and that 1017 is effing stupid stupid stupid for everything he's done, for everything he's been thru-

Everything I've done to him-

(Oh-)

Everything the clearing (what's the clearing?-) has done to him-

(No, I'm sorry-)

Everything the Spackle have been through, the weight of their hurt that's always on their shoulders, the weight in the pit of my stomach and-

"I'm so sorry."

I can see Viola in 1017's noise, and her eyes are wide, but she's smiling, and as she wipes a rolling tear from her cheek, 1017 asks her name-

(He knows her name-)

(He knows my name-)

And with a curt nod of Viola's head, 1017 hesitantly wraps his arms around me. He holds me for as long as I weep for him.

All his noise says is "Todd".

[BEN]

I hardly eat any of the food on my plate because of Todd. Todd Hewitt, my Todd, he's alive. He's ruddy well alive!

The noise of the Pathways' End travelled to the valley, joyful and brimming with hope, well before anyone could've informed me. It was like a choir, an echo of everything that Todd is, ringing across new world, a sound so unexpected that I swore I was telling myself a lie-

But when I saw him, heard him and his noise, watched as he looked at me with life in his eyes, when I held him in my arms as we wept together, I didn't matter if I was dreaming or kidding myself. Because my Todd was well. He was safe-

And he's safe now-

And, my, he's grown-

He's almost as tall as me-

But he's grown further than me in a way I never would've expected-

What with the war and the Spackle-

The Spackle-

1017-

If Cillian could see the man Todd's become-

He would be the proudest father on earth-

And I have to stop myself. I can't cry on Christmas day. Not with Todd sitting across the table from me, his eyes older and brighter than any of the stars I think I ever seen. Still the same grey. Still the same Todd. Just all grown up.

The room, set up in the town hall's main office, is buzzing with noise and chatter, no one stopping to notice the draft that fingers thru the crumbling walls, nor the fact that the furniture they're using has been compiled of metal storage boxes from the scout ship. Because it's Christmas day, and if there's one thing the new settlers taught me about their celebration, it's that we don't need nothing as long as we got each other. As long as we got love.

Todd tosses Julian a paper hat- Julian, a new settler who's been there for me, and there for Todd when I couldn't be. In his noise, it's clear to see that Todd doesn't reckernise him, tho the way they interact it's like they've been friends since Todd was young.

Julian bats the crown away with a chuckle, and when I catch the rebound and place it on my head, Todd laughs. It's like he's never been away.

Other new settlers have made their mark on new world and are at the table, like Daisy, who set a rations stall up for all after the war, feeding those who had nothing but hope, and Louis who started rebuilding the town the day the war ended. Of course, there are others here who endured the whole terror: Wilf and is wife Jane, as endearing as ever. Lee and his sister, Siobhan, almost identical in both looks and mannerisms, joking and playing as if the blindness isn't in Lee's eyes. And there's Viola. Viola who can't stop herself looking at Todd. She hears this in my noise and looks at me between her lashes, blushing. Todd looks at me and her in turn, asking marks and a strange pinkness to his noise as he grins at me. I smile back.

[VIOLA]

The stars are brighter than I've ever noticed before. Todd and I lie next to each other on the grass outside the town hall, Angharrad whinnying in her sleep just a few breaths away.

I can't get used to Todd's new noise, the way it echoes instead of stabs, the way it entangles me in comfort. But at least it's here. At least he's here.

There's a permanent smile stuck on his face as he gazes at the sky, humming along to the words that float in his head:

Early one mo-orning

Just as the sun was ri-ising,

There are pictures, too, pictures of Ben and Cillian picking fruits in the fields as the sky turns from pink to blue. Pictures of Todd running across the swamp with Manchee, laughing as his dog stumbles over a log.

Pictures of all the things he's missed whilst he's been away-

The treaty signed by the sky and Bradley on behalf of the planet, and though he can't read the words, he understands them-

The monument of the burden in the centre of town, the first thing to be built since the war-

How Ben and I visited him everyday since that day, read his ma's book and sang to him-

I heard a young maiden call from the valley below-

And all of these things are swamped in blues and oranges, content and surreal. I could lie in these memories forever.

Oh don't deceive me

Oh never leave me,

How could you use a poor maiden so?

And with these words I see myself in his head, more stunning and flawless than I ever will be, but I see myself. And he remembers things. Things that we've done together-

Things that he remembers more vividly than anything else-

Things that I don't even remember myself-

And everything is intertwined with my name-

Viola-

And with-

And-

I love you, Viola.

I take Todd's hand and squeeze, and he looks at me steadily, his cheeks pink in the darkness, and his eyes search my face and I can't believe that he's here, that he's really here, and nothing else matters anymore, nothing else in the world-

Because Todd's here.

And I say it because it's true-

"I love you too, Todd."

[TODD]

Viola's fallen asleep, her breath heavy in dreaming, and just to hear her sigh, just for her to be next to me, I don't think anything could be any better.

Looking up at the stars for the first time in forever, it's hard to believe I never looked at 'em before, not properly. It's like they've been watching me, their age and their wisdom and their serenity staring down at me all this time, helping me through, guiding me, and I don't know how I know this but I know-

I know that I know them-

It's like-

It's like all the people I ever loved are looking down on me-

And I don't believe in God, or Heaven, but what if-

(And I remember all the people-

I remember my Ma-

I remember Cillian-

I remember Manchee and Davy and Simone-)

And I close my eyes, still holding Viola's hand, the warmest feeling in my chest that I ever known-

And I sleep. And I'm not scared, because Viola's here, and Ben, and all those people up in the sky-

And I know that I'll be waking up in the morning.