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Giving up

Watching the rain fall down outside a window has always been soothing to me, to hear the beautiful sound and smell the freshness in the air has always been one of our favourite things to do. We used to sit on the porch swing in front of your parents' house and just breathe. You used to hold me so tightly when I lay with my head on your shoulder and just got lost in the smell of you and rain mixed together. Intoxicating…

As I look at the rain falling down I remember our first kiss, we were at cheerio's practise when it started pouring, you grabbed my hand and we made our way to your car as quickly as possible. Before we reached it, you stopped and turned to look at me with those beautiful brown eyes, "I really don't want to go home right now Britt-Britt" you said to me and you looked so gorgeous with the raindrops dripping off your eyelashes.

I quickly pulled us both under the bleachers and we sat there for a while in comfortable silence. You were giving me side glances you thought I couldn't see, but I did San. And every glance you gave me made my heart beat a little faster. "Have you ever kissed in the rain?" I don't know why I asked it, it just sort of slipped out. You gave me the most adorable look and shook your head no. We went back to sitting in silence but this time you broke it, "want to try it?" I was lost for words so I just shook my head yes and gave you a small smile. You pushed yourself off the ground and held your hand out for me to take it.

The ten seconds it took us to reach the middle of the football field felt like ages, luckily there was no lightning in the air so we were save. You stopped and turned to look at me, taking my other hand you pulled me closer. "Close your eyes Britt." I did what you told me and a second later I felt your wet lips pressing against mine. You pulled away but I wanted more, it felt amazing. I have never ever felt like that kissing a boy, and believe me I have kissed a lot. You tried to take a step back but I pulled you closer. We locked eyes and I couldn't help but quickly glance down to your lips. You knew what I wanted to do, so you leaned forward a little bit, daring me to close the rest of the distance. That was the first time I kissed the most important person in my life. Many others followed but that one held a special place in my heart.

I was brought out of my thoughts when someone cleared their throat behind me. Quickly turning around I saw the nurse who tended to you daily. "Mrs. Lopez, how are you?" stupid question, but I decided to be polite. "Doing better, thank you." Another lie, I was dying inside. She just gave me a nod and checked your chart. When she finally left I did what I do most of my days. I went to sit by your bed and just hold your hand. I couldn't cry anymore, I didn't have any tears left…

I watched as you 'slept', you looked peaceful, your hair had grown a little bit longer but you didn't look the same. Your skin that used to glow, looked awfully pale, your beautiful plumb lips were chapped and white. You look so thin, so pale, so… lifeless.

To say I miss you would be a big understatement, my life is total hell without you. I miss your laugh, I miss your cuddles, and I miss the way you would look at me as if no other person mattered. I don't know for how longer I could go on like this, staring at your lifeless body. Praying that you would wake up, praying that you would get better, but every day I get the same answer from the doctor 'it's not looking good for your wife, Mrs Lopez. You should prepare yourself for the worse."

I can't tell how many times your parents talked to me and asked me to sign the papers so that they can switch off the machines that kept you alive. Kill my wife? There's no way in hell, not as long as I am alive.

I stare at your lifeless body and I can't help but think back to that awful day

Flashback

"San, baby, wake up!" Brittany jumped on the bed next to her half asleep wife. Wife, man it felt good to say that. They have been married for over a month now. The proposal went as smoothly as Brittany had hoped for and luckily for her Santana said yes, not that she had any doubt in her mind that the Latina would refuse. The wedding was great, lots of guests, lots of food and lots of dancing and the honeymoon was amazing, you can take a guess why.

Santana rolled onto her stomach and muttered some sleepy words into her pillow. Brittany tried hitting Santana with her pillow, tried to roll her off the bed and even drop a few ice cold drops of water on her, but nothing worked. Finally getting an idea Brittany straddled Santana's back and started kissing Santana's bare back. This quickly got her attention and before Brittany could register what was happening, Santana had her on her back, her arms pinned down above her head and plumb lips feverishly kissing hers.

"We have to go to the bank today babe" Brittany gasped the words out as Santana started kissing her neck. The Latina groaned and reluctantly got off Brittany. They quickly jumped in the shower and got ready together.

An hour later they were walking towards the bank when Santana go an idea, "Babe, let's take the alleyway, it would be so much faster." Brittany gave the alleyway a sceptical look and then looked at her wife. When she saw the look in Santana's eyes she quickly nodded her head and followed Santana.

They were almost at the end and out of the alley when a tall dark figure stepped in front of them. "Give me your cash, jewellery and cell phones. Give me everything. If you don't scream no one will get hurt." Santana and Brittany didn't know what to do, fearing for their lives, they quickly did what the man asked them to do. When they gave him everything he began to turn around until something caught his eye. Brittany's wedding ring was still on her finger. "I thought I told you to give me everything," he hissed at Brittany's direction.

Santana followed the man's line of sight and saw what he was looking at, she took a step forward so that she was directly in front of Brittany, blocking her from the man's view and trying to protect her. "Please sir, let my wife just keep one thing. You have my wedding ring, it is just as valuable, please sir, just leave us alone."

The man flinched and pulled a disgusted face when Santana said the words 'my wife'. "So you're dykes, huh? What has become of this world? You're even being allowed to get married nowadays. That's just nasty." He pulled a pipe from behind his back and started swinging it in front of their faces. "Give me the fucking ring or I will smash your face in." Brittany quickly did what she was told but was stop by a soft hand on hers, Santana cleared her throat and stood tall. "No Sir, she can't do that. Please you have enough. I'm sure if you pawn everything you will have enough money to tour the world. Twice." Santana was terrified but she knew she had to stay strong, for Brittany.

The man looked as though he was going to let them go but just as Santana tried to make a move to move around him, her whole world went black.

I can't stop the tears from flowing as I think back to that day. My wife had been so strong for me, she protected me. When she read her vow's in the church on the day that we got married I never would have thought that one day those words would come true, "I'll give my life for you Britt." My wife is in this bed because of me, if I could have that day over I would have just given him the stupid ring. If I knew I would be losing my wife I would've just given it to him. If I had just given it to him I still would have my Santana.

I remember the moment the steel pipe made contact with Santana's head, she fell to the ground and there was blood everywhere. The man had hit her on her sleep and when he saw all the blood coming out of her head, he ran like the coward he is. I screamed for help and luckily not long after a woman came to our rescue. She called 9-1-1 and they were there in less than 10 minutes. The rest was just a blur.

But here I am, a whole year later, still staring at my wife. My wife who is in a coma because I wouldn't give a guy a ring. I was so stupid. But after tonight we both would be out of our pain and suffering, we both would be free...

I'm sitting on our bed, on my left is all the letters I wrote to everyone I care about, there is one for Quinn and Rachel, our best friends. One for my sister, one for my parents, and one for Santana's brother. But the most important one is the one to Santana's parents. The one in which I give them permission to end my wife's life because I couldn't. On the right is the thing I'm going to use to end my life, the thing my dad bought for me 10 months ago, for protection. A 9mm pistol…

I walk around our apartment one more time, looking at our wedding pictures and thinking about all the memories we had together in here, all the memories that we would have made if the love of my life wasn't stolen away from me. I quickly walk back to the room and grab my phone and the gun. Making my way to our en-suite bathroom, I gently laid myself in the bathtub, easier to clean up the mess I'm going to leave, right?

I unlock my phone and scroll down to the last picture I took of San, she is smiling at me and the wind is blowing her hair. She looks like an angel, she has always been my angel. Her beauty is the last thing I want to see before I leave this world, and if I'm lucky we will meet again in Heaven.

I lie back in the tub and place my cell phone on my stomach, bringing the gun to my open mouth. I place the front of the gun against the roof of my mouth. Just as I'm about to pull the trigger my phone starts ringing. It's Maribel. Sighing I lower the gun and decide to answer it. "Hello?" I sound terrible, my voice is croaky from all the crying I've been doing the past day and to be honest the crying hasn't stop.

"Brittany, dear!" wait why does she sound happy? "Santana has woken up, she's finally awake sweetheart and she's looking for you…"