The Calm Before
A Mass Effect Fanfiction
Disclaimer: This story is a nonprofit fanfiction meant for entertainment purposes only. Mass Effect and all characters are the property of BioWare and Electronic Arts.
Shepard stood by the top of a grassy ridge, looking out over London. The sky overhead was clear, stars gently shining, as red streaks slowly flashed through the night. The wreckage of ships tumbling down. Crimson fireflies flitting through the dark, hastening to earth. Few of the ships that fell were likely to be Reapers. But Admiral Hackett had done it. He'd brought the allied fleet to Earth and punched through the Reaper blockade. Landing the soldiers of Hammer here, ready to storm the Citadel in just a few hours. In that short amount of time, the fate of humanity, the fate of every race in the galaxy would be decided.
Shepard could see them in the distance. Striding though London. Relentless gods of destruction. Reapers. Beams of red light licking from their sides, snatching ships from the sky. Erasing them in a flare of heated liquid metal. Soon every soldier around the city would be going there. To the transfer beam leading up to the Citadel. To fight, die, and hope. Hope that somebody could make it through. To fire the Crucible and cut the enemy down. Hope that some wild victory lay at the end of their mad, heedless rush.
Shepard's thoughts tumbled in his mind darkly. Now he had to lead them. The forces of a galaxy united. Him. A man hated, reviled, just months before. Every hooded glance towards him had spoken volumes. Killer, murderer, destroyer of worlds. Each quickly averted gaze a silent accusation. A curse. John Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan. An icon of blood. And now they looked to him for hope. Desperately. Like he was some kind of hero. Some shining paragon to lead the charge forward.
Shepard chuckled bitterly. He didn't know how to do that. He couldn't even save the friends that stood by his side. Kaidan. Thane. Kasumi. Tali. So many others. Dead of what he did or didn't do. Of decisions he had to make, because no one else would. Shepard snarled inwardly. Too many graves on his back trail, too many lives lost for reasons he could not fathom anymore.
Shepard shook his head. He didn't have any answers. Only duties. An endless list of things to be done. Mad dogs and monsters to put down. Pull back the bolt, aim, fire, rinse and repeat. But what else could he do?
Duty he understood. Getting the job done. Fighting. Killing the enemy. But saving? Not so much. But he had to do this. Keep going, keep pushing. No matter the cost. Because there was no going back now. Only victory would satisfy his dead. The ones he'd failed. Kaidan, erased in a flash of nuclear fire. Tali, her beautiful face torn by betrayal as she fell, so very far, just past his outstretched fingers. All the lost ones that whispered in his dreams. Begging him to make things right. To finish the job.
Shepard slumped wearily. Finish the job. He barked out a short harsh laugh. All he had to do was end the Reapers. And save the whole damn galaxy. Not that anyone had much of a plan about how to get it done. Other than hoping that the "ancient alien superweapon" thing actually worked. Longshot there.
Oh well, "Ours is not to reason why" and all that.
Alfred Lord Tennyson. The Charge of the Light Brigade. Not that the poem made for happy comparisons. Especially since dying was much more likely than doing, when talking about killing Reapers. Funny how he'd picked up on Ash's knack for using poetry quotes these days. A ghost of a smile played on his lips.
Ash. Her name, her memory, always sparked softer thoughts. About the future. About something beyond the war. Something better. Maybe someday, he thought. Someday. Shepard sighed softly, staring at the savage sky above. Maybe then he could have some peace, if not a life to return to. If he truly was still alive, still human, after Alchera.
Alchera. He'd died then. Killed by the Reapers. Or at least they gave the order. The Collectors had just pulled the trigger. Carried out his execution. The Normandy exploded, and he was thrown clear of the wreckage. No chance of rescue. His eyes went dark as he fell towards the planet, plunging to its icy surface. Like a meteor of flesh and bone. His oxygen gave out, and then…nothing.
Suddenly, maddeningly, he was awake. A vision of blue eyes and concern. Snatches of angry conversation. Quickly falling into darkness again. Then, brutally aware, on a cold white table in a Cerberus lab. The staccato stitch of gunfire. The cold sweat of combat. Thrust into the fight again. Staggering forward with itchy scars and a borrowed pistol, wondering who he was.
Was he alive? Was he himself? Or was he some empty thing bearing the memories of a dead man? Shepard didn't know. Did his soul reside in this new flesh? Or was the shell empty, like a husk? Shepard didn't like thinking about it.
He'd never thought much about the soul. That was Ash's department. But it made him afraid when he thought about it. In the dark. At night. In the alone hours. About what would happen if he died tomorrow. Almost enough to make him pray, if he could remember the words. Shepard roughly raked his fingers through his close-cropped hair, wishing for something, anything, to stop the relentless thoughts that tumbled through his weary mind.
Ash. Shepard whispered her name. Ashley Williams. The woman he loved. And lost. And loved again. He'd met her in the haze of battle on Eden Prime. The sole survivor of her whole unit. Alone on the field, eyes lit with battle rage and grief. Something had clicked almost immediately between them. A connection. A forged link. From comrades, to friends, to something else. Something closer. Something special.
Ash. The one whose sly wink and cocky smile made his heart race. Until that terrible day on Virmire. When he had to choose. Choose between a friend, and her. Her. The one he couldn't lose. And so, he chose. And Kaidan Alenko died.
But that wasn't the worst thing. No. The worst thing was, Kaidan knew. Knew that Shepard would choose Ash. Choose her to save. Kaidan's voice tight and raw as he called in. Harsh. Weary. As his defensive lines buckled and were overrun. Maybe that was why Kaidan had insisted Ash guard the bomb. The mission priority. As an excuse. A last gift to Shepard. He didn't even sound betrayed. Just…resigned.
When they were back on the ship, back on the Normandy, Shepard didn't say anything. He didn't have to. She knew what he had done. Because of her. And she had cried. Cried, and screamed, and beat her hands so weakly on his chest, because she knew. Knew why he'd done it. And she was angry, and guilty, and sorrowful, and happy. So happy, with tears and snot running down her face. Happy that she was still alive. That she wasn't the one who was dead. Because she loved Shepard. And he loved her. And Shepard knew, knew he never would have chosen differently. Never would have saved Kaidan. And that selfish thought shamed him. But all Shepard could think was:
I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry, brother. But I had to. I had to. I couldn't let her die.
And that's how it started. They'd been together since. Until the Normandy was ambushed over Alchera. Torn apart by the enemy attack. He made her go to the life pods. Almost dragged her. She didn't want to go. She wanted to help him. And then she'd seen him die. Seen the small figure pinwheeling away from the broken ship.
It was worse later. When he rescued the human colony on Horizon, she was furious with him. For working with Cerberus. For being alive, even. Like her mourning had been useless, foolish. She could barely look at him. As though Cerberus had taken his soul, his very being, when they rebuilt his body. Her eyes, once so tender, were horrified. Seeing only a thing. A mockery of the man she had loved. And so, she left. And he broke.
Shepard sighed, rubbing his face roughly with one hand. It'd taken a long while for them to get past that. To get past that hurt. To get back what they had lost. Ash walking away had burned. Badly. Their awkward messages between missions had kept the wounds fresh. Bloody. Never quite healing. A quiet pain that never let them forget. But they couldn't walk away from each other. Not completely. They couldn't end things, despite the bitterness and hurt. Words still passed between them. Letters and notes and random thoughts. Snatches of old poetry. Sometimes angry, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes shimmering with tears. But still they connected.
After Ash was hurt on Mars, they began to talk again. Really talk. And slowly, ever so slowly, she began to change. To show a quiet, tender hope. That it was still him on the inside. Still him within the newer, scarless, flesh. Little did she know how desperately he hoped it too. Hope… such a fragile gift she held out. A tiny spark of grace. A light to keep the dark thoughts away, all the nightmare images that haunted him as he slept. But it meant everything.
Slowly, slowly, the wounds between them turned to fine white scars, still visible, but healed over. Annealed. And they began to talk again, smile, laugh, share fleeting touches. Like a promise to make things right again, one day. A silent prayer to end the heartache.
He remembered when everything changed. The last time they fought, on the Citadel, as he chased the traitor, Udina. Ash was Udina's bodyguard. Protecting him, and rest of the Citadel Council. Unaware of the human councilor's betrayal. Shepard rushed out of the elevator, pistol drawn, pointed at Udina. Ash stepped in front, covering him. Proud. Resolute. Doing her duty. Her eyes locked with Shepard's, pleading, desperate for something to break the stalemate. Then something changed in her expression. Something softened. A quiet whisper breaking her lips, unheard. Ash dropped the gun she held on Shepard, knowing she might die. Knowing he might kill her. Trust and regret shining in her eyes, quietly mouthing "sorry", as she stood there on the platform. A willing sacrifice, ready to pay in full. For her anger, for her doubt.
Shepard shook his head roughly as he remembered that exact moment. Of looking at her over the barrel of his gun. A pang twisting in his chest. He couldn't shoot, wouldn't. Never. Not Ash. Not her. Udina was not so fortunate.
After that, she joined the Normandy crew again. Slowly they tried to reconnect. Talking in his quarters as she helped him with his latest model ship. Joking around in the armory, as they put new upgrades on their weapons. Taking turns reading poetry together, as they lay on his couch. A date on Presidium, where they just walked and held hands, simply being together.
Something scraped on the rubble behind him. "John," a voice said softly. Shepard turned. A figure in blue armor behind him. Her hair loose around her face. Her. "Hi," she said awkwardly. "I was looking for you." "Ash," Shepard breathed gently, "You're here." "Yeah," she said, raking her hair out of her eyes. "Things were a little rough at the landing zone, but Vakarian had my back. Barely a scratch on me."
"I'm glad you're here," Shepard said simply. Ash grinned crookedly. "Me, too. Everyone's trying to settle in before the big fight," she mused. "I thought we could do that together." "I'd like that," said Shepard slowly, coming close. "Not a lot of peace and quiet in the camp," motioned Shepard, pointing at the dim yellow lights of the bivouac below. "No, but Major Coates loaned me some gear. We could camp right here." "Oh, yeah?" grinned Shepard. "Yeah, I was hoping we could bunk together," Ash replied, shyly. "I've missed it, missed you." "Me too," Shepard said, walking closer. She tossed a duffel bag lightly. He caught it, and they set to work.
"What do you have here?" queried Shepard. "Oh, a tent, sleeping bag, rations, and Liara gave me this," Ash smirked, holding up a bottle. "Red wine, I think it's Merlot." "Nice," grinned Shepard. "It's good to have friends with connections." "Well, she is the Shadow Broker," quipped Ash, "All that power has got to be good for something." "Yeah, so true" replied Shepard. "You know, I was just thinking about you." he said, turning her towards him. "Good," said Ash, softly. "Me too." Their eyes caught and held for a long moment. Shepard smiled. "C'mon, let's get this done," he chuckled, finishing the tent, and stowing the bedroll inside.
Ash walked away from Shepard, cresting the ridge. The moon cast its pale light over the shattered buildings of London. Desperate fingers pointing impotently towards the sky above. Reapers stalked in the distance, striding the shattered landscape. "Worried about tomorrow?" she asked, turning towards him, her eyes softly questioning.
"A little, but not so much," he answered. "We've done everything we can. We're ready. So that's all we can do." "True," nodded Ash. "There's no time left to wonder or worry. We just have to finish it." She paused, meeting his eyes gently. "I know we can do it. I know you can do it, John." Shepard moved close, taking her hand in his. Lacing their fingers together. Looking out over the broken city together, as she leaned close, her head resting on his shoulder.
Shepard gazed at the sky, the pale moon scattering shadows at his feet. "I'm happy we're here like this," he started. His voice rusty, hesitant. "Even if we fail tomorrow. I'm glad we were able to fix things between you and me. To get back to us." "Us," hummed Ash, "I like that. Us. I've missed that for a long time." Ash grimaced. "I'm…I'm sorry it took me so long. So long to believe you."
"You didn't do anything wrong, Ash," said Shepard. "I know you believe that, and I'm glad things are better between us now," replied Ash. "But sometimes I… I still feel so ashamed." "You were just being a good soldier," said Shepard, gently. "I don't blame you."
Ash stiffened. "Well, maybe you should blame me," she answered sharply, breaking away from him. Leaning against an outcropping of rubble. Shepard followed her. "I was gone. Dead. For two years," he said, evenly. "Then I show up on Horizon. With Cerberus. The same bastards we used to fight. You have nothing to be ashamed of." Shepard said, holding up his hands.
"But I should have tried to give you a chance," Ash growled. "Not treat you like a traitor, or worse," she said, leaning back against the stones. "Everyone knew I went down with the Normandy," said Shepard, roughly. "You were there. You saw it. It isn't a stretch to think they'd try to pass off a clone as me. Hell, they ended up doing that anyway."
"I should have listened to you!" exclaimed Ash. "I should have known it was you. And trusted you, like you needed me to." Ash pulled roughly at her hair, frustrated. "Like I wanted to, on the inside," she rasped. "But I didn't. I crushed that little voice down. The one inside telling me to believe. I wouldn't listen."
"Why?" asked Shepard. "Fear. Just fear," she sighed. "The fear that what I saw wasn't real. That you weren't real, and I could lose you all over again." Her eyes glittered with tears. "I screwed up Skipper. I messed up everything, and refused to let you back in my heart for so long. When all I really wanted to do was be with you," she said, her voice thick with grief. She stepped to the edge of the ridge and stared out into the night.
Ash closed her eyes, raising her face to the impassive sky above. "Why couldn't I be like Joker, or Garrus," she moaned. "They didn't ask for proof. They trusted you. No doubt, no hateful words. They helped you. They were there for you." She whirled angrily around, fists clenched. "And what did I do? Nothing! Nothing but tear you down," she spat. Shepard shook his head, reaching for her. "You didn't know, Ash," he said. "All you could see was me in a Cerberus uniform." He reached for her.
Ash halted him. "I was wrong!" she ground out. "You saved us again! You destroyed the Collectors and stopped the Reapers! And all that time I was on Earth, doing nothing!" Ash panted, flushing. "I should have helped you!" Shepard shook his head grimly. "No, I'm glad you didn't go on that mission. That you didn't see what we found there. And you were right all along. Cerberus did betray us."
"I should've helped you. I should've been there too!" Ash raged. "Why the hell didn't I go with you? That day on Horizon, part of me was screaming on the inside. Telling me to just get on the Normandy. What changed in me?"
"You know what changed, Ash," Shepard said quietly. "I died. And maybe, just a little, you had a hard time forgiving me for that." Ash grimaced. "Before, I would never have left you. So why couldn't I stay the same?" she cried, brokenly. "Why did I have to be so weak!"
"You weren't weak Ash. You're the strongest woman I know," sighed Shepard. "No! I was a weakling, a fucking coward," Ash shot back, bitterly. "Strong means protecting the people you care about, no matter what!" she said, miserably.
Ash groaned heavily. "After you brought the Normandy back. After you surrendered. I didn't visit you in the brig once," she said, guiltily. "I was right there in Vancouver, and I couldn't bring myself to see you. For over six months!" Ash sobbed. "How the hell could I do that? What kind of person does that make me?"
"It makes you human," Shepard replied, softly. "We get angry, and afraid, and we make mistakes. But it doesn't matter. None of that does. All that matters to me is that I love you," he said, quietly. A long moment passed, as their eyes searched each other.
Ash slowly shook her head. "How can you possibly say that after all I've done to hurt you?" Ash hung her head, deflating. "You were alone. All alone. And I didn't do a thing to help," she said, her voice shuddering. "Vega was a better friend to you, and he was your jailor. It took the Reapers invading to bring us back together!" Ash fumed. "Even then I still doubted you!" She furiously kicked a rock over the rise, watching it clatter down the hill.
"Ash, it's alright," soothed Shepard, beside her. "But don't you see, I wasted all that time," Ash grated. "I wasted it, worrying about things that don't matter, when I knew in my heart you hadn't changed," she whispered. "It was me. I was the one who changed. I stayed away, because I was afraid." She turned away, facing out into the dark. "I was afraid," she sighed. She scrubbed the tears from her eyes with one hand, gritting her teeth. "Stupid, stupid, afraid."
"You didn't know, Ash," breathed Shepard. "You couldn't be sure." "I didn't need to be sure, I just needed to love you!" Ash said wildly, throwing up her hands. "And have the courage to stand by you." She paused, her voice darkening. "Since then it's been tearing me apart. I think about all the stupid things I've done. About all the times I messed up and refused you. How the hell can you even look at me now?" Ash growled her frustration out over the broken stones below.
Shepard stepped closer. "Ash, don't!" he said, gently pulling her close. "Don't do this anymore." Ash swiped at the tears falling down her face angrily. "I blame myself," she mused, leaning into his embrace, muscles tense, straining. "All of that was time I could've been with you. That we could've had together. But instead I let it all slip away. All those months. And now, now it might be the last day, the last night for us."
"We're here now," said Shepard. "We're together now. And that's all that matters to me. It's all I care about. And knowing that, knowing you're here beside me, gives me hope," he said. "Hope?" breathed Ash. "Yes, hope," replied Shepard. "You're here. It gives me hope that I'm the same man. That I'm alive, and not some Cerberus fake."
Shepard sighed, looking out over the dark landscape beyond. The jagged peaks of the ruined city illuminated by distant flashes of gunfire. "Sometimes it's hard, hard to believe I'm still the same me, inside. Sometimes it scares me to think that maybe I'm not," he said. "That I'm just cloning, and circuits, and implants. That maybe Cerberus didn't bring me back. That I'm just a copy of what you remember," he said.
"No, that's wrong," breathed Ash, tugging him closer. "Whatever they did, however they did it, it's probably the one damn thing Cerberus ever got right." Her lips, trembling, brushed his. "I can't stand that damn Lawson bitch, but I'm grateful to her, so damn grateful, and I always will be. Because she brought you back to me."
"You're sure?" he asked, voice catching, arms circling her waist. "You're you, I know it," she said, eyes blazing. "How do you know?", he asked, pulling her to him.
Ash looked up, gazing deeply into blue eyes. "I know it because I love you," she replied, achingly. "I know it's you because I feel it, here, in my heart," she said. "I know it because there's only one man who could ever make me feel this way, and he's holding me right now."
Gently, slowly, he pulled her closer, cradling her head gently in both hands. Tugging her closer into a slow, deep kiss. She leaned up to meet him. Arms circling tightly around his shoulders. His hands softly curling into her dark, silken hair. Tongues questing, gently asking admittance. They stumbled, jerking backwards, tumbling towards the open tent.
They fell together. Reaching for each other. Awkwardly groping, hands fumbling with armor clasps and seals. Pieces clattering harshly to the ground. Still kissing, at once tender and rough, hands roaming each other. Kneeling beside each other in the tent. Suddenly shy, a shared question in their eyes, quickly answered. Under-suits peeled off quickly, eagerly. Fingers and mouths desperate for warm skin. Eyes alight with hunger as clothes were discarded.
"Please," Ash crooned, pulling him towards her. Desperate to close the last few inches between their bodies. Shepard paused, looking at her fully, eyes lingering. Memorizing. Cherishing. Their lips crashed together. No slow dance of seduction, only need. Raw. Intense. Want shuddering through their ragged breaths. "I need you, I need you so much," she cried. "Ash," Shepard murmured, a soft prayer falling from his lips. "Need you too. Always, love."
"Come," Ash said. "No more words, just show me. Show me now." She pulled him close. Down. Moaning at the heat of his body above her. Opening herself. Arms encircling his waist. Legs hitched up, wrapping around his hips. Her lips playing on his throat. "Yes," she panted. "I want this. I want you. Now. With me." Shepard smiled gently, looking down upon her. Feeling her tremble. Falling into her eyes. "Yes," he breathed.
The morning broke early, and gray. A light rain fell, tapping on the fabric of the tent.
A chill fog rolled through the camp. Shepard woke, feeling Ash beside him. Awake, her hair splayed over his chest. Dark tresses a curtain, shading her face. She leaned up, kissing him. "Hi," she said softly, lingering upon his lips. "Do you want some coffee?" "No. Let's just stay like this for a while," he answered, pulling her close. "Yeah," she sighed, relaxing into his embrace. "Let's do that." They lay still, enjoying each other's warmth.
Ash snuggled in closer. She cupped his cheek, looking slowly at him. "You okay?" she asked. He nodded. "I am," he said simply. "I'm just…happy," he mused. "This is what I've always wanted. Always needed. These moments. You and me, like this. And no Reaper's going to take it away." She drew him closer. "Good," she said, hesitating slightly, pressing her lips to his softly. "I… I hope that I'm pregnant," she said suddenly, awkwardly. She continued, as she turned to watch him. Blushing, a shy hope on her face. "I want that so much. A family. With you." "Good," he smiled, leaning his forehead against hers. "That's what I want, too."
Ash kissed him fiercely. "God, I'm so happy," she thrilled. "No matter what happens today, I just feel that way. Everything just feels so … right." "Yeah," said Shepard, a slow grin lighting his face. "I hope we have daughters, just like your family," he chuckled, eyes warm. "You say that now because you've never seen my sisters in action," Ash smirked.
They laughed, hugging each other tightly. Not wanting to stir. Not wanting to move. Knowing that they had to. "I'm coming with you," said Ash quietly. "All the way. So, don't question it please." She kissed him. "I love you too much to be apart from you. I have to be there. I want to be the one that guards your back." He stared at her for a long moment. Their eyes locked. Wills wrestling, touching, finding acceptance. "Alright," he said softly. "That's the way we'll do it." They both smiled. Brightly. Radiantly. Warm, despite the cold dawn. They nodded, speaking as one. "Together."