Title: Typo
Author: moor ('beyondthemoor' on LJ)
Length: 1800 words
Genre: Humour/Parody
Fandom: "Twilight", "Eclipse"
Warnings: extreme OOC (intentional); Also, spoilers for the ending of "Eclipse". If you haven't read it yet, please don't read this fic!
Disclaimer: This is for fun, not profit. I own the novels, that's it.
AN: This is an alternate ending to "Eclipse", following the battle with the newborns. Written in jest for Hikki (tikki-hikki), who hates (my beloved) Jacob and adores Leah. (I do hope I got the snark right for you, darling...)
As they left the smoky clearing where Victoria and Riley's remains still smoldered, Bella glanced up at Edward, feeling the prickle of unease work its way from her stomach up each vertebrae of her spine.
"What's wrong? What did Sam tell Seth?"
Edward kept his eyes level, and forward, as he raced through the forest, the trees a blur.
"Edward, what happened?"
His velvet voice was even, calm. "The Volturi. They're coming, and sooner than Alice realized. We aren't sure if the werewolves will be out of sight before they arrive. The Volturi won't honour an alliance with the 'wolves."
For a second, Bella felt her heart stop. The thought of anything else hurting Jacob that day tormented her, ripping apart her already fragile nerves.
Edward responded to her tremors by holding her closer.
"We'll be there soon," he assured her.
She nodded, her lips tightening to a thin line. She had to consciously fight the urge to bite her lip—with her luck, she'd probably end up severing a limb.
The wind whipped past them as they flew down the mountain.
They reached the group of assembled vampires and 'wolves just as the Volturi crossed the battleground—it was too late to hide.
"Just stay calm and let Carlisle take care of things," Edward whispered in her ear. She nodded, and he repeated the same to the nearest wolf. From down the line, Jacob spotted her and trotted to her side, limping but mobile, and bumped his head against her gently. Relieved he hadn't come to serious harm, she automatically reached out to pet his shaggy fur. He grumbled lowly in pleasure, and gave her hand a quick lick.
Edward glared at him darkly. "Using your limp to get sympathy, that's a new low."
"What happened?" Bella looked at both of them as she asked.
"Leah took on a newborn by herself and got cocky, he jumped in and got her out of the way… but then he got careless."
Jacob growled angrily at him.
"I'll be sure to tell her that later."
Bella sighed in exasperation, caught in the middle between the two stubborn 'men'.
Edward gave her hand a quick squeeze as Jane and Felix, followed by an immortal team of dark-robed enforcers, slowed to a halt a few feet away. The child-like woman and the larger man approached, their movements graceful and disturbing.
"Hmmm…" the apathy was recognizable at once. An angelic face surveyed the area with appraising red eyes.
"Welcome, Jane," said Edward, as Carlisle moved forward, hand extended. Jane ignored them, fixated on the non-human-formed participants.
"I don't understand," she stared at the 'wolves, and several of them growled throatily in warning.
"They assisted with the disposal of the newborns. We owe them our gratitude; they prevented us from being discovered, I'm sure you can appreciate their efforts, also…"
Felix moved forward; as did Carlisle, along with Jasper and Emmett; neither side was about to kowtow to the other.
And then things got strange, because Jacob leapt forward to put himself between Carlisle and Jane – but he was facing the good doctor, and his head was low, teeth bared.
The other wolves meanwhile were looking away in disgust. Bella wondered if it had to do with the smell they were always nagging each other about – too many vampires, too much abuse to the wolves' sensitive olfactories. But wouldn't they have reacted sooner?
"What's going on?" Bella whispered to Edward, and it seemed even the other werewolves were confused. Some were whimpering and whining, looking at Sam as if to ask if they had to stay and endure the onslaught any longer.
"I think Jacob… had it wrong earlier…" he replied weakly. His normally smooth voice sounded slightly ill.
"Had what wrong?"
"… who he imprinted with…"
It took a second for it to register with Bella, before she looked over at Jacob and Jane again.
"You're lying."
"No, I really, really wish I was… I think I may be sick for the first time in almost a century… Excuse me, Bella darling…" he moved back a bit from the confrontation, putting distance between himself and the maelstrom of emotion flying from the wolves.
Bella looked from him over to the rest of Jacob's 'brothers' – they too were taking a turn for the worse. She had assumed earlier that they'd been overwhelmed by the smell, but now she wondered if they'd been sharing in Jacob's newfound feelings towards… Jane.
Even she felt nauseated at that, honestly.
"Leah, would you stop that? Geez…" Edward hissed at the only happy-looking wolf in the pack. It was then Bella noticed she was yipping out something that sounded like Joy to the World. "Yes, I know he went from loving the leech-lover to loving the leech, could you let it drop? Even he looks disturbed by it…"
Leah continued on with her ecstatic canine renditions of 'sounds of celebration', while Bella took a cautious step towards Jacob. He did indeed look a little sick with himself, but completely unable to sway from his protective stance in front of the leader of the Volturi expedition.
The Cullens were taking in the scene with skeptical eyes, but were obviously receiving the faits saillants from Edward. Alice had covered her mouth with her hands; Rosalie's lips were twisted in distaste; Esme had turned away, and Carlisle had retreated to hold her against his chest, murmuring soft reassurances to her. Bella could just barely make out the words, something along the lines of 'following their nature', 'wild animals', and 'freaks and abominations'…
Leah moved away from biblical Christmas carols and on to howl a rousing chorus of Just the two of us…
"Jacob," she said softly in her most humane human voice, "are you… are you sure?"
The shaggy-furred beast lowed pitifully, and gazed up with large pleading eyes. 'Yes, it's true…' the eyes spoke to her, and she didn't need to hear his words. 'Please kill me, because I don't know if I can do it myself and I wish I were dead.'
The ranks on both sides were now completely baffled, and disrupted. The Volturi were astonished the wolf was defending them; the wolves were beside themselves with the vertigo-inducing shared knowledge of Jacob's newfound blood-sucking vampire soulmate; and Bella felt like she'd lost the best friend she'd ever had.
Leah Clearwater did a little leap-somersault in the air before swinging into Can't Fight the Moonlight.
However, Bella wasn't one to ignore the door when opportunity knocked. This was the perfect way to see Jacob let go of her; he had finally found a new object of… desire.
"Jane," said Bella bravely to the senior Volturi; she was the only one who still seemed to have any control over herself. The vampiress looked over at her, a bored expression on her face. "Werewolves believe in a principle called 'imprinting' – it is how they know they've found their soulmate." She wasn't sure if it was entirely appropriate to mention 'for life' when addressing the undead. "They recognize this person upon first sight… And Jacob has imprinted with you." She indicated the wolf standing in front of her.
"He believes I am the one he's destined to be with?"
"Yes."
"And he is a human when not in his wolf-state?"
"Yes."
A few of the back-up Volturi murmured behind Jane; she raised a hand lightly to quell them.
"Hmmm…"
Bella prayed the other woman wasn't measuring up Jacob's potential as an on-flight snack for the trip home.
Leah's serenade had swept into a moving, if energetic, adaptation of "Titanic" 's love theme, My Heart Will Go On.
"Leah, please," begged Edward, though it looked like the other wolves were behind the plea for mercy, too.
For a moment, they thought Leah had taken pity on them and the barrage of obnoxious love songs had abated. They were wrong.
"I think that's Bon Jovi," Bella heard Alice say to Rosemarie. "Always."
"That wasn't a bad album," volunteered Jasper.
"No, it was pretty good for its day. Very popular in Japan…" agreed Carlisle, eager for a change of topic.
"Please, for the love of all that's holy, make the madness stop…" Edward translated for Sam.
"Is he like a servant?" asked Jane, curious.
"More like a lover," choked out Bella. Jacob howled in pain.
"He's begging you to make it a quick death," said Edward.
Jane nodded a bit to herself. "Well, I suppose that can always be arranged if things don't work out. I see you've already cleared this area of the newborns, so there's no further need of us here. We'll stop by next time we're in the area." She looked down at Jacob. "Do I need to tell you to heel?"
Leah's wolf-voice was nearly hoarse as she belted out one of Rick Astley's greatest hits, Never Gonna Give You Up.
Jacob vomited on the ground.
"I didn't know that was physically possible for wolves," murmured Alice, astonished.
"At least he didn't do it on the plane," muttered Felix. "Does he need a collar?"
"No, I think he'll come along on his own," replied Jane, turning away. "Good day to you, Carlisle, Cullens. We'll see you in Volterra, if we miss you next time…"
With that, the Volturi swept gracefully away, Jacob following mournfully behind them to stay with his better half, the one who would make his life complete. Or end it. Whichever came first.
"I think we should head home," said Carlisle into the ensuing calm, once their visitors had vanished from sight. Sam nodded his head, and rounded up his brothers and sister. Carlisle sounded very worn, and Esme held him tightly as if to reassure herself he was really there and not some figment of a nightmarish imagination. The evening had been one of the most bizarre they'd ever encountered.
The werewolves took one last look after their departed brother, gave a collective howl of pain, and retreated softly into the woods. Leah did a feral kind of jig as she bounded away.
The Cullens returned home, Edward seeing Bella to her door, then meeting her as usual in her room thereafter.
As she drifted off to sleep in Edward's arms, the last thing Bella remembered from that night was Leah Clearwater singing faintly to the stars above as she left the clearing, (I've had) The time of my life…
La fin
AN: This is completely satirical, in case it wasn't blatantly obvious… Thank you for reading! (Luvs u, Hikki!)