A/N: This is based around how Kakashi and Iruka feel for their lost love after the war when they roam the the country in search for him. Mainly about Kakashi and how his emotinally numb.
Pairing: Kakashi, Iruka and Yamato. I love these three :D
WARNING: Angsty. Rated K. All Characters are Masashi Kishimoto's.
Their Lost Love
Kakashi stalked the land as he led his division into the last of the eminent battle. To one and all it seemed that the whole world was with the copy ninja. He was a successful captain of the 3rd division and had the hallmarks of a great future leader. But this, his current mission was a game of fate. He scoured the land for signs of his presence. On the surface Kakashi was calm, all concern was pushed to the depth of his being and sealed shut. This mental state came to him naturally, switching from the verge of panic to a state of emotional numbness. He hid from everybody the loneliness that lived in his heart, the memories tried to fill the space but it wasn't the same when he was gone. His heart roamed wildly, he was deprived of laughter without them, and he couldn't, no it was more than that and he knew it, he DIDN'T live without them. He envied Iruka, who wore his emotions on his sleeves.
As they travelled back to the village he would take side long glances at his lover when he wasn't looking. There were moments when a pained look would cross Iruka's soft brown eyes, glistening with raw emotion that only those that had witnessed unspeakable fear would recognise. When they were finally alone after the war, Iruka laid his head on Kakashi's shoulder hesitantly. There was something heartbreakingly fragile about his demeanour that left Kakashi severely disturbed. They both felt the void in their hearts that could only be filled by the one they yearned. He clenched his fists ignoring the scenarios that run through his mind and recovered his composure enough to offer comfort to the lover he still held.
Though Kakashi didn't express his emotions the same, Iruka had learnt to sense the subtle changes in his body language. To those around him Kakashi was strong, courageous, a man of a thousand jutsu's that stared death in the face. But he knew better, when Kakashi was frightened he usually held himself in quiet dignity and reacted as though he didn't care. When Tsunade Sama had called them both to the tower he saw Kakashi's poor masquerade as the enormity of the news hit them both. Where Iruka fell to his knees with a swell of anguish and terror that choked him, Kakashi bit his lower lip as a tight band clenched around his chest and constricted his breath. The movement was so slight through Kakashi's mask that Iruka would have missed its significance had he not been looking at his lover helplessly as to what to do with the news.
Iruka had never seen Kakashi's composure break but when he returned night after night with his division unsuccessful in their search, the shadow of anguish seeped in. Iruka reached for his hand knowing it would be cold and tense, the half gloved hand of the copy ninja responded by capturing Iruka's hand in desperation and squeezing for reassurance. Iruka held him close that night, knowing the tears Iruka so easily shed in angst would never fall from Kakashi's eyes.
Kakashi eventually took to wandering the land alone in search of their missing lover for days on ends. Iruka was left behind in case their lover returned home whilst Kakashi was away. As he searched for one lover, Kakashi felt he was losing the other, but their anguish and yearning also bought them closer together. They took comfort from one another's pain, in their hearts they knew it would never be the same if they couldn't find him. As Kakashi arrived that night, he caught Iruka in a tight embrace as the copy ninja's body trembled. They hardly spoke of Kakashi's search, each knowing the other well enough to read their emotions. A painful lump rose to Iruka's throat as he returned the embrace holding onto Kakashi for dear life. It broke his heart to feel Kakashi's pain, the raw emotion the copy ninja showed so rarely, tore at the core of his being. But there was so little they could do for one another without the one they'd lost.
"When we parted with him Kakashi, he didn't look back, we didn't cry nor did he" Iruka soothed the pale man in his arm as he let his tears lull him to sleep. "Don't lose courage, wherever he is, he knows we love him". Kakashi tightened his grip on Iruka as he felt the tears wet his hair and hushed him. "Even after making you both mine, I still suffer the fear of losing you two" Kakashi whispered into Iruka's chest. Their nights apart were restless, sleep evaded them constantly. When Kakashi was back in Iruka's arm, they slept due to physical exhaustion taking security in the feel of one another's heartbeat, telling them they were still here, waiting. Pleasant dreams refused to touch their eyes whilst he was away and the days were just as bad. Peace was not to be found anywhere without him.
Their hearts waited…waited for him earnestly.
Kakashi revisited the location where he was last seen. The imprint of his hand was all that remained of his existence in what was his prison during the war. With his pale fingers he traced the indentation of his lover's hand remembering the feel of the calloused but gentle touch of that particular hand. How those fingers lingered in his hair as he was slowly caressed to sleep by him. "Can you hear the calls of our hearts?" he placed his hand atop of the imprint. "The path to you is lost to us, every direction I take I am engulfed in darkness. I hate this game of fate, but if I am to play, show me the way to you".
The cold air of the night calmed Kakashi's restless soul. "When the wind blows, its feels like both your arms are caressing me. When I have you back in my arms, I won't even let your shadow separate us again". Kakashi remembered the day he last looked into those soft brown eyes of his lovers and saw the poetry of his soul reflected back at him. Verses he had never recited before and hadn't known existed until they Iruka and Yamato had come into his life. "Both Iruka and I held you untill we had to let go, you're our companion, our confidant, our lover". Kakashi could never speak these words out loud to his lovers; his traitorous mind would shut down all emotions automatically. Unknown to him, his lovers were aware of his love for them. They knew to read every movement and gesture of his unspoken words.
Iruka sensed the deep melancholy in Kakashi's quiet moments where he stared into the abyss and understood that the man had suffered grievous losses like himself. He was aware of how these losses could turn a person mad with resentment, could irrevocably overwhelm you with hopelessness. This is what they were both avoiding but they had already given one another and their lost lover rights over each other's body and soul. The tears Iruka shed calmed his soul for a time but Kakashi couldn't shed them so his soul was ablaze since they had lost him. Iruka tried to soothe him, give him the courage to fight and tried to shield him with his love but he could sense the sorrow of his heart. The realisation had hit him; he needed both of them more than they probably needed him.
The crisp air of the early morning had Yamato shivering. He could just see the village from atop the tree he stood on and could almost feel the warmth that eluded from it. His heart raced as he drew ever nearer, his hair dishevelled, his body bruised and partially broken, dry mud and traces of blood encased his uniform. The bile rose in his throat, he forced himself to supress it. He had broken out in fever and was delirious from pain, but he didn't care. He led his broken body ruthlessly through the woods ignoring the nagging ache. It had been too long; he wasn't governed by time anymore, he wasn't governed by anything but his emotion. He needed to feel the warmth of a raging wood fire, but more importantly, the warmth of a beating heart against his rigid body.
He drew ever closer the gate apprehensive as to the site that would greet him. He knew they had won the battle when the white coloured clones stopped coming for him. But he did not dare let his guard down and hope he was safe until he had reached the village and so hid his presence. The usual journey to the village would have taken him just over a week, but in his condition it had taken him a month. "Yamato?" he heard the questioning call. That's what they called me now Yamato, yes, I am Yamato. The call came again and he turned to his left to be confronted by a familiar face that held onto him "Genma San, please…take me to them" he rasped out. "God, Yamato what did they do to you? I need to take you to the hospital" Genma replied as anger and compassion swirled in the assassins eyes. "Please Genma San" Yamato took a breath composed himself "I need to go home first". Genma shouted out orders that Yamato didn't register. "Hang on Yamato, I'll take you to them" the voice held empathy in it, he saw the makings of hand signs and was immediately teleported.
Iruka and Kakashi heard the tell tale sounds of the teleportation jutsu and Kakashi was out of bed instantly, kunai in hand with one arm protectively around Iruka pushing him behind his body. The morning was crisp; the sun was just peeking over the horizon causing Kakashi to strain his eyes in the early morning light. He heard shuffling outside the house and peered over crouching below the window signalling Iruka to do the same. They saw the top of two brown heads, one covered partially with a bandana and the other… the other caused both their hearts to skip a beat. The short tousled hair had a familiar quality which they both would recognise as their own. In that moment nothing mattered anymore, before Iruka could think Kakashi had teleported them to the front door. Kakashi's fingers trembled as he reached for the door handle. With each twist the band around his chest clasped tighter making breathing difficult. His mind was traitorous; he couldn't trust his vision, he couldn't trust his senses anymore and paused and swallowed the lump in his throat. Iruka came around and held his hand over the handle, his face wet with tears and eyes red. Together they opened the door and nothing existed to them anymore.
Neither felt the penetrating cold on their bare chests, as the wind whistled sending the leaves of the old tree outside into their house. Nothing existed except for the solid press of the supple frame of their lover against them. The reassuring weight of his arms around their waist as they each pressed a cheek against the top of his head. Everything that told them Yamato was real was here in their arms and was safe. Kakashi closed his eyes and swallowed; exhaling small shaky breaths "Tenzou…" he tentatively kissed the top of the head. A lifetime of training as a Shinobi couldn't stop the swell of anguish and terror that choked him, the tears that he never thought he'd shed again flowed as he held on tight and whispered over and over again the name of his lover.
Yamato felt his heart breaking as the tears from his lovers flowed freely; he held them both close to him. "Iruka, Kakashi, I'm home. You both are forever my destination, my home for as long as I can hear your heartbeats".