Author: Raven Shadowrose

Title: Love is...

Rating: K

Pairing: Dixie/Hannah

Summary: Dixie is thinking about her past and what love means to her. This is a companion piece to Moving On and The Ties That Bind.

Disclaimer: I do not know or own any characters from Casualty, any original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for anyone to use them. Reviews are most welcome, enjoy.

Kathleen Dixon, I look at my name where I have written it at the bottom of the report I have just finished. Who is she? Who am I? I don't know how to answer that question. No, that's a lie, I do know how to answer that question. I know what I am; there are many words for what I am after all, lesbian and dyke are just two of them. Most of the names I don't care for, they're crass and used by men to objectify the women that they see in porn. I would quite happily place a bet that most of the women in those films aren't lesbians, they're just doing the job that they've been paid to do after all. Do they experience the guilt of knowing that they have feelings for other women? When I talk about feelings, I mean love. I want love just like everyone else, is it so bad that I want love from another woman? Do you think that I'm not capable of love? Do you think that when I hold a woman in my arms that it is all about sex and gratification? It isn't. I married the woman that I love; I promised her that I would spend my life with her. When I hold her in my arms after we have made love, I kiss her head and tell her that I love her. She tells me that she loves me too. Is that not love? If I hadn't told you that we are women, would we not sound like any other couple? I know in my heart that I love my wife, I care for her and give her the love that she deserves. She loves me and that is worth everything that I have been through.

I was fifteen when I realised that I was gay and loved other women. There was one girl in particular, I didn't know her name, I watched and admired her from afar. I was too afraid to say anything to her or to anyone else. I knew what they would think of me, that I was a freak and disgusting for wanting to be with someone the same sex as myself. There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep out of frustration and anger at my feelings. I just wanted to be normal, to be anyone other than who I was. I felt like some sort of freak of nature, an abnormal woman. I felt guilty when I dreamed of holding a woman in my arms. There were nights I dreamed of sharing my bed with another woman, of having someone by my side that understood my feelings, that didn't think I was freak because of them. I retreated inside myself and tried to find a reason for the way that I was feeling, I hoped that it was just a phase that I was going through, that I would change and become normal. I was afraid of my feelings, I didn't like myself much in those days.

The other girls in school all claimed to have had a boyfriend at one time or another, I realise now that it was probably rubbish. They all went on about how wonderful it was to be with a guy. Sometimes they would ask me if I had had a boyfriend yet, they laughed at me when I said that I hadn't and that I didn't want one. That was when the rumours that I was a lesbian started going around the school. I tried to ignore the rumours and the names that followed me about, but, it was harder than I thought. I didn't dare to look at anyone when I was getting changed for games or swimming as they would accuse me of getting off on looking at their bodies. I was crying myself to sleep almost every night now, the guilt of being a lesbian and the constant taunts of the other girls at school had almost become too much for me. I wouldn't be able to tell my dad, he wouldn't understand, I knew that he would hate me for being what I am. I thought about telling my mum what was happening, I usually told her everything, but, I was afraid that she would hate me just as much as those girls at my school did.

It was after a particularly bad day at school that I told my mum everything, my tormentors had thrown their usual batch of names at me throughout the day. I remember being fed up and when I got home I went straight to my room and cried on my bed. My mum must have heard me when she came up the stairs after finishing work, she knocked on my door and I tried to stay quiet. It was hard as the tears were still pouring down my face and my mum opened the door to my room. Normally she wouldn't have come in without my permission. I am grateful that she didn't just go away when I didn't answer. She sat by my side and hugged me, I still remember her warmth and the comfort of her arms to this day. For a long time she just held me and stroked my hair, it was only when I stopped crying that she asked me what was wrong. It was the caring tone in her voice that made me tell her everything; the struggle I was having with my sexuality and the bullies all came spilling out. My mum just listened to me as she held me in her arms until I had finished talking. She kissed me on the head and said something that I have remembered to this day. 'My daughter, my little Kathleen, I love you, always. One day you will find someone that loves you as much as I do. You are a special woman, my sweetheart.' Her words enabled me to carry on, she promised me that she wouldn't tell my dad. The relationship I had with my mum changed after I told her my secret, we grew closer and she helped me through the bad times I had with the bullies at school. I will always be grateful to her for the support and the love that she gave to me.

After I left school, I went from one job to another, I never really found my place in the world until I started training as a paramedic. I loved it, it was my chance to make a difference in the world and help people. My mum was so proud of me when I started working as a technician, she came to see me often and took an interest in everything that I did on the crew. I kept my sexuality a secret from everyone around me, I didn't want them to react the way that people had at school. My dad found out when he came to my house unannounced one day, he saw me kissing a woman I'd met on a night out with the crew. He was furious and reacted exactly how I'd always thought that he would, he disowned me there and then. I cried for hours after he left my house. I never saw the woman ever again, she clearly didn't want anything to do with me. My hatred of myself and everything that I was escalated from that day forward. I kept my heart locked away out of fear that everyone would run away from me and hate me. I didn't tell my mum about my feelings as I didn't want to make her sad, she loved me and I knew that if I told her everything then it would hurt her.

I passed my paramedic exam and celebrated with my mum, that was the day she died, I couldn't save her. My dad blamed me for her dying and I felt myself slipping into a deeper hatred of myself. It still upsets me to this day, I miss my mum so much, I wish she was here with me. Then Cyd came along, our boss paired me with her and asked me to look after her. I thought that she was beautiful, she was quiet at first, but, as we got to know each other she came out of her shell and I started to fall in love with her. I found myself telling her everything about my sexuality, she didn't judge me, she just listened to me. It meant the world to me that she didn't feel any different about me after I told her about myself. Our friendship grew stronger as time went on and I trusted her with my secret, I knew that she wouldn't tell anyone about me. I keep my feelings for Cyd inside, she couldn't know how I felt about her.

I transferred to Holby with Cyd and we still worked together, my feelings stayed inside and she was none the wiser, I intended to keep it that way. Jeff came to Holby and he annoyed me at first, I found myself trusting him with my secret. I had started to come to terms with my sexuality some time ago, telling Jeff about myself on our first meeting sealed how I felt about myself. I wasn't ashamed of it any longer. Jeff became my friend and I was sad to let him go when he transferred so that I could stay here with Cyd. I remember the day that I told Cyd that I loved her, I was so scared that she would die on me and I wouldn't have told her how much I cared for her. Cyd survived and I regretted saying anything as she left me here, she said that she couldn't give me what I was looking for. I didn't know what she meant by that, I thought she was disgusted by me and my feelings for her. I felt my heart splinter into pieces and I vowed never to love again.

That vow lasted until Hannah turned up here, her beauty hit me the moment that she walked into my office. I fell in love with her over time and a few months after she came here I kissed her, I thought that I had ruined everything, that I had lost another friend because of my feelings. It couldn't have turned out more differently, Hannah loved me too. I started seeing her and she slowly put my heart back together with her love and her kindness. Our relationship grew stronger and we faced everything that life threw at us together. Lawrence, Hannah's father, loves me like a daughter, he has always supported our relationship and our marriage. I love him too, he has given me the love of a father and I am happy he thinks me good enough for his daughter. I asked her to marry me and she agreed, the ring that she gave to me on our wedding day sits on my left hand. Is it the symbol of the commitment that I made to her and that she made to me. I don't doubt that Hannah loves me, she shows me how she feels in everything that she does. She gave me the love that I have always been looking for, married me and she has now given me the chance to be a mother. She is carrying my twin babies as I sit here and think about all of this.

Love. That one word, most people just want to be loved, I wonder how many people find love? I found it with Hannah. What we have is most definitely love. There are people that don't agree with our love, I don't care, I love Hannah and she loves me. We love our children and will care for them right from the minute that they enter this world. Love isn't something that you should take for granted, it has to be worked at. Being in love with someone is one of the hardest challenges in life, it is also one of the most rewarding. Finding love has changed everything for me, I am happier than ever. I know that my mum is watching over me and Hannah as we prepare to be parents. I still haven't seen my father and he doesn't know that I got married or that I am about to be a mother. I don't want him to know, he has made his opinion clear, he doesn't approve of the fact that I am a lesbian. He doesn't believe that two women can love each other, that their relationship is and always will be based on sex. There are times that I wonder what he would think if he knew that I had married a woman and we're having babies. Does that sound like a relationship that is based on sex and physical pleasure to you? Have I changed your opinion on what loving someone the same sex as yourself is like? Love is a wonderful thing whether it is a man and a woman, two men, or two women that love each other. The world needs more love and compassion in it, maybe one day love will overtake hate and the barriers of gender and race in this world. I only hope that it does so.