"Darwin," by Breeze
Rating: G
Summary: Mulder and Scully stumble across the Darwin Awards while on the web.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, they really aren't! I'm just borrowing them, honest! Mulder, Scully, and anyone else from the 'Files belong to Chris and the gang. The Darwin Awards are real, and the ones in the story really happened. People can be SO stupid.
Archiving: Sure, just keep my name on it and tell me about it.
Feedback: Yes, please! Questions, comments, or suggestions should be sent to keiraya@juniormail.com. Keep your flames; I have no use for them. Thanks!
J. Edgar Hoover Building
1:24 PM
Special Agent Fox Mulder was Bored. With a capital "B." Their last case had been almost three weeks ago, and they hadn't even had a hoax to chase. To kill some time, he decided to surf the web.
He had had trouble getting to sleep last night, and there was a special on Darwin on TV. He had turned it on to try to fall asleep. Out of extreme bored-ness and curiosity, he typed "Darwin" into the search engine and clicked "Go!"
The first thing on his list of matches was something called "The Darwin Awards." Huh, probably some award for brainy people like anthropologists and paleontologists who make "groundbreaking discoveries" or whatever. he thought. Not so. "The Darwin Awards are special awards given to people who don't fit into Darwin's Theory of Evolution. They are people that do such amazingly dumb things that we believe fell off the ladder of evolution and should not be allowed to breed for fear of passing on their stupidity." Interesting… He clicked on the hyperlink and this is what showed up:
The Darwin Awards
A Stupid Award For Stupid People
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
"Hey, Scully, come have a look at this," Mulder called over to his partner, Special Agent Dana Scully. She was staring off into space.
"Huh? What do you want?" she was a little out of it.
"Come take a look at this. These guys are idiots!"
Scully stood and walked over to Mulder's computer. He had scrolled down a little, and this is what it said:
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
WHAT WAS PLAN B??
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different ATM's. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.BR
Scully's mouth dropped. "How could these people be so incredibly stupid?" she asked. Mulder shook his head and grinned.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system…"
"That was just really bad luck." Mulder said. "Really, REALLY bad luck."
THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9- inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked the officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6- inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Mulder looked up at Scully. "Strangely, that reminds me of an X-File."
Scully rolled her eyes. "We've had worse."
DID I SAY THAT??
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said at all!"
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
"I've heard that last one before," Mulder said. He grinned.
"I think you've earned a few Darwin Awards yourself," Scully commented.
"Hey! That was mean! Name one thing I've done that deserves a Darwin Award."
"Well let's see." Scully started counting on her fingers. "There's getting up in the morning, wearing those horrendous ties to work, piling files so high on your desk they're a health hazard—"
Mulder waved his hand in the air. "Oh shut up."
Scully gave him a look of feigned hurt. "I was just stating facts…"
The insults were flying thick and fast when Assistant Director Walter Skinner poked his head in the door. "What are you two doing?!" he demanded. "My office, now!"
Mulder and Scully looked at each other, then burst out laughing. Mulder was practically doubled over. Scully regained her composure as best as she could. "Coming, sir," she said, and motioned to Mulder to follow her and Skinner out of the office. Still chuckling and with cheeks damp, he followed them out.
So what did you think? I was bored, and I had just gotten the Darwin Awards in my e-mail. I just couldn't resist turning it into a fic. Feedback, please!!