Mother of Masquerades
Written by:
Sylvester Tennant
[The Flynn-Fletcher Home, the living room-Candace sits in her usual chair. She has an irritated look on her face as she talks on her cell phone to Stacy.]
Candace: Sorry I couldn't join you and Jenny in town, Stace. Mom's about to head out and I have to watch my brothers. I'm not in charge pertaining to special conditions, of course.
[On the streets of Danville, Stacy and Jenny travel about on their bikes.]
Stacy: Sorry about that. If we spot something you might like, we'll let you know. And we'll swing by later if you want.
Candace: Okay, bye.
[Stacy hangs up.]
Jenny: I guess she's not joining us today.
Stacy: Nope. She's in "semi-in charge" mode right now. (she makes air quotes when she says "semi-in charge")
[Suddenly both Stacy and Jenny skid to a stop.]
Stacy & Jenny: Hey, where's Perry?
[Perry's Lair-Perry arrives and takes his seat. Carl appears on the screen.]
Carl: Hi, Agent P, Major Monogram isn't here today. His mother-in-law is visiting, and well… Anyway, Doofenshmirtz has been gathering a large amount of motorized connector sets, buying out stores in the surrounding area. I mean, a guy his age buying that kind of stuff, it can't be good. Go find out what he's up to.
[Perry grabs his jetpack and takes off.]
[The Flynn-Fletcher Home- In the living room, Candace gets up to head to the kitchen. She then sees Phineas and Ferb, along with Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet, assembling various parts, a glider taking shape.]
Candace: Mom, Mom, look!
[Linda is heading for the door, obviously in a rush.]
Linda: Sorry, Candace, but I'm almost late. Vivian and Charlene are meeting me to get some last minute things for tonight. See you later.
[Linda leaves and Candace folds her arms and narrows her eyes in frustration and sulks.]
Candace: Ugh, it's just not fair. Mom's never here when she needs to be to bust the boys. I wish I could be Mom so I could do the busting.
[Candace suddenly gets a flash of inspiration. She then goes to the closet and retrieves a box. Opening it and gazing at the contents, she giggles mischievously.]
Candace: I've got them now.
[Doofenshmirtz's Building]
Chorus: (singing) Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
[Perry tumbles and lands into a trap which ties him up.]
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, you did stuck the landing, but your toes were curled, so I'll have to give you a…(holds up a card reading 6.5.)
[He tosses the card away.]
Doofenshmirtz: You're here just in time for my newest scheme. I happened to catch one of the Space Adventure movies on TV, and something spurred my imagination. In it, the Confederation forces use a squad of armored walkers, and watching it I realized I should do that. So I bought up every connector set in the Tri-State area and I now have built this! Say hello to the Walker-inator!
[Unveiled is a bipedal walking machine equipped with various weapons.]
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, what do you think, pretty menacing, right? You won't believe how many connector sets it took to make this. With this baby, the entire Tri-State Area will be brought under my control. I'll march right to city hall and force my brother to surrender, or I crush him. Granted, I probably go ahead and crush him anyway.
[He then grabs Perry and boards the Walker-inator.]
[The Backyard-The kids have finished with the rocket glider and are almost ready to climb on board.]
Phineas: Let's light this candle.
Voice: Hold. It. Right. There.
[The kids look and are surprised by what they see. There stands Candace, wearing a her size version of Linda's outfit, including a wig.]
Candace: You kids stop what you're doing right now. This rocket glider contraption is too dangerous and I want you off it. (She stares sternly at her brothers.) You two are in so much trouble. Candace has been right; you've been up to no good all summer long. Phineas and Ferb, you are…
Ferb: Excuse me.
Candace: Ferb, don't interrupt me.
Ferb: I'm sorry, "Mother", but how is it you've shrunk in size and why is it your neck is suddenly longer?
[Candace gulps. She knows her ruse has been seen through.]
Isabella: Candace, whatcha doin' dressed like your mom?
[Candace stammers.]
Candace: Oh, it's not fair! Nothing works for me! Why can't you be busted just once?
[Candace slams her hand down, unintentionally activating the rocket glider. It takes off, but a rope loops around Candace's foot and she is pulled into the sky.]
Candace: Waaaaaaaah!
[Danville Street-Stacy and Jenny look into a shop window where they see an outfit like Candace's, but the blouse is white and the skirt is red.]
Stacy: Hmm, do you think Candace would go for that?
[The sound of an approaching scream gets their attention. They turn to see the rocket hang glider zooming towards them. They duck as Candace streaks by, screaming.]
Candace: Yaiiiiiiii!
[Stacy looks up.]
Stacy: Hey, wasn't that Candace's mom?
[Stacy and Jenny hop on their bikes, slap on their helmets and hurry off.]
[Candace pulls herself upright, shakes her foot free, and then climbs up the rope and into the glider's cockpit. She gets confused by the controls.]
Candace: Oh, how do I stop this thing?
[Candace looks down, seeing her friends giving chase. She whips out her cell phone and dials.]
[Stacy's phone rings and she answers.]
Stacy: Hello. Oh, Candace, hey, we're chasing down your mom.
Candace: It's me! You're chasing me!
[Stacy's face twists in surprise and disbelief.]
Stacy: Candace, why are you dressed like your mom?
[Jenny exclaims questioningly.]
Candace: Long story! Just save me!
[Stacy hangs up.]
Stacy: And there goes our day...
Jenny: Okay, looks like we've to save her.
Stacy: But how?
[Jenny gets an idea.]
Jenny: There are a couple of kids who'd know just what to do.
[Jenny spins fast and zips off in the opposite direction, Stacy following.]
[The Flynn-Fletcher Home-Stacy and Jenny have arrived and given a summary of what's happened.]
Phineas: We have no idea what to do.
[Stacy and Jenny stare at one another.]
[Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.-The Walker-inator steps out onto the street and marches.]
Doofenshmirtz: And now on to city hall.
[He moves forward, but suddenly he comes to a dead stop thanks to a traffic jam. He looks and sees it stretches as far as he can see.]
Doofenshirmtz: It's a quarter after 11 a.m. on a Tuesday, don't these people have jobs?
[A Clothing Store-Linda stands with Vivian and Charlene and all three rummage through racks of clothes.]
Linda: I just need one more thing for tonight. Anything, Charlene?
Charlene: Sorry, nothing here.
Vivian: Linda! I think I found one!
[Linda works her way to Vivian and looks.]
Linda: Perfect! I just hope it's the right size. (She takes the item and heads to a dressing room)
[Back on the street, the Walker-inator remains motionless thanks to the traffic jam.]
Chorus: (singing) Doofenshmirtz still stuck in traffic!
[Doofenshmirtz impatiently checks his watch. Perry sighs and rolls his eyes.]
[At the clothing store, Linda, Vivian, and Charlene exit, with Linda carrying bags.]
Linda: Thanks again, ladies. Tonight is going to be fun.
[A distance away, the rocket glider roars on and Candace sees her mother. She waves her arms frantically.]
Candace: MOOOOOOOOM!
[The rocket glider soars past unseen, but Linda looks around, as to Vivian and Charlene.]
Linda: Huh, I could've sworn I heard Candace just now.
[Back with Doofenshmirtz and Perry, traffic suddenly starts moving and Doofenshmirtz smiles wickedly.]
Doofenshmirtz: Finally, now on to city hall.
[The Walker-inator marches forward as the rocket glider approaches from the distance. The vehicle streaks by and the loop that snared Candace's foot earlier gets hooked on a leg of the Walker-inator. The rocket glider then starts to loop around the legs, tying them up. As she spins, Candace's face turns a sickly green.]
Candace: Urp, I'm gonna barf!
[The legs are tied up more and Walker-inator starts to wobble. As the end of the rope is reached, the rocket glider pulls tightly, straining the rope. Seeing the inevitable, Perry wriggles free from his bindings and escapes, parachuting to safety.]
[The rope snaps, and the rocket glider soars off and the Walker-inator topples. Doofenshmirtz screams as he crashes down along with his invention. As the smoke clears, crawls out form the wreckage, his clothes burnt and blackened.]
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, rocket gilder! (plops down to the ground)
[The glider spins until it stops upside down. Hanging upside down, Candace's face turns an even more sickly green.]
Candace: Oh, now I really gonna barf… (Her cheeks bulge out.)
[Candace flies along until she sees the house coming up fast. Wriggling in the seat, she gets ready to drop. Candace drops out of the glider and into the tree, grabbing onto a branch. She swings, getting right side up, and the color returns to her face. She watches the rocket glider fly away.]
Candace: Well, this day could've gone differently...
[Candace works her way down and drops softly to the ground. She then enters the house to find Phineas and Ferb, their friends, and Stacy and Jenny inside. Stacy and Jenny jump up and rush over to Candace.]
Stacy: Candace, you're alive!
Candace: Alive, but nauseous.
Phineas: Candace, we're glad you okay, but you never explained why you're dressed like Mom.
Candace: Um, well, I…
[There is an extended awkward silence, which is broken by Perry's arrival.]
Stacy & Jenny: Oh, there you are, Perry.
[Candace now gets frantic.]
Candace: I need to get this off before Mom…
Linda: Candace, what are you doing?
[Candace freezes, slowly looking to find Linda standing in the foyer, bags in hand. Everyone falls dead silent.]
Candace: Mom, I can explain. (pause) Okay, I can't.
Linda: There's no need to explain, young lady. I know exactly what's going on. (She folds her arms.)
[Candace winces, waiting for the worse.]
Linda: You're already ready for the Midsummer Delight Mother-Daughter Masquerade Dinner.
Candace: What?
Linda: I didn't realize you'd already found your costume. Hold on, let me get into mine.
[She rushes out. A few minutes later…]
Linda: Okay, I'm ready.
[Linda enters, now wearing a her size version of Candace's outfit, including a wig. Everyone's jaw drops.]
Linda: What do you think? I'll admit, finding the skirt would've been impossible without Vivian and Charlene.
[Linda and Candace go to a mirror and look themselves over.]
Linda: We look so cute. We've got to have the most original costume selection ever.
Candace: Yes, yes we do.
[Candace and Linda smile brightly.]