Blue Lagoon
The reflection is dark,
All the features are washed away.
Leaving everything a blur.
In reflection, a new faith is found,
Burning away the maddening desire of time.
Hearts are lost and new ones found,
The love is apparent.
Life blooms within, a reminder of the past.
Sitting, lost for hours in the ghastly mass.
The trance is broken.
A new reflection emerges.
The blueness, the dark,
It turns lighter.
Pain and sorrow are caught in time.
Heads turn,
Souls unite,
And all the lost is found in a new light.
The time spent sitting,
The new faith evolving,
Lightness emerging.
No one can tell the effects it will have,
On two halves,
Of a soul,
With a child blooming.
This is where I am now, as I sit on the cold bench, on a quiet night in February, I don't know how long I have been sitting here, or why I chose this spot. No, I know the answer to that one; this is where we came when we were separated the first time. He was sitting here and I found him. We both come here; I know that, at first we always had a wisecrack comment asking for permission to sit.
Then the tension grew and we refused to separate the other from their thoughts. I would see him, I wonder if he ever saw me? I'm sure he did, I always sat in the same spot he would when I saw him watching me. Somehow it just drew me there, as if his touch could deem any spot ours.
Then again maybe it's just the hormones, I know for a fact that they have been kicking in a lot lately. And why shouldn't they? I am first told that I will never have children three years ago. Only then did I feel as though it was the most logical next step in my life. Mulder even agreed with me on that one. He said it to me just before he gave me what those bastards took away. He gave me the one thing that would change my life indefinitely. He gave me back my right to procreate.
Then the unthinkable happened. Our office was not only torched, again, but they took all the files first and closed us down, this time, for good. Mulder gave up, he had no desire to continue, I tried, I begged, I did everything I could think of but he refused to fight them any longer. He refused to play their games. I was heart broken, yet at the same time, I was happy. Oddly, Mulder was too. He got a job teaching a violent crimes course near Quantico, which I switched back to when we quit, together.
About a year passed by and Mulder and I still had been the best of friends, we shared, and hopefully still share, something that no one else could even begin to comprehend. It began with friendship and loyalty and has become so much more. Before I found the note, he and I had been getting closer, turning more towards lovers, but somehow I don't think that even the title of 'lovers' could describe us. We had the friendship, but absolutely none of the physical relationship.
Then I feel it, a heat that has a scent, Mulder's scent. There is no way it could be him. He left I didn't think that he was going to come back, that was four long months ago now.
As in contradiction to that thought the body behind me drew in closer, slowly, carefully invading my so called 'personal' space. Then I knew, it had to be him, no one had ever tried to get that close to me and gotten away with it, except him. The heat from his body came off in rays, warming me all over on that cold night.
I turned, slowly, not wanting to startle him, or myself. He had his smile plagued on his face. On second thought, maybe it was my smile, I've only seen him use it with me. I can't help it; I get off of the bench and practically run into his arms. It's only when I draw back that I realize I have been crying for quite some time.
"Scully… I … I" he can't say it, I don't need him to anymore, sure I was angry with him at first I mean the least he could have done was tell me in person that he was going to run off again and possibly kill himself right before our baby was born, our baby. I'm in my eighth month, and I still remember the day that I asked him if he would be the baby's father. 'Sc-Scully …umm I well, I-I'd love to' I think that that was one of the first times in years that he hasn't tried to avoid letting me see his tears. I smile, you know, he really needs to work on his stuttering problems.
"Don't say anything Mulder," nothing could ruin this moment, nothing, even if he doesn't listen to me, as long as I am in his arms, he can say whatever the hell he wants. But I'm still going to try.
He doesn't say anything, I know that that is partially his way of apologizing; he never listens to me, only out of extreme guilt.
He moves his head from the place where it laid on top of my head down to my shoulder. God, I love him so much. After what seems like hours, he moves again, this time, kissing my temple on his way. Then he looks down. The baby.
He kneels on the cold ground, now level with my rounded belly. He is so gentle, he always has been. Never willing to hurt the things he loves, have I mentioned I love him? His arms are wrapped around the baby and me now, the side of his head lay against us. He kisses where the baby is before stepping in front of me.
"Re-writing Einstein, Scully"
"Hmm?"
"That's what we're doing Scully, we're rewriting Einstein's theory of relativity. A second in the hands of death feels like a year, but a second wrapped around you and I don't think I will ever have a year."
I smile at this one. He always has a way to make me smile.
"We are aren't we?" He nods his head, once again pulling me in to press our heads together in that intimate way we always have. Even before we were allowed to. " I missed you,"
"I know, I'm sorry, I had to go though, I need you to understand that."
"Lets talk about this later" I say, not wanting to spoil the mood, and it would too, there are too many questions to ask, too many things that need to be talked about.
"Okay, whatever you want to do is fine," I know he loves me, but I need to hear it. We were always good at predicting the others thoughts, and as if we hadn't spent a day apart, he tells me, simply,
"I love you Dana Scully" And that is all it takes for me to break down. I'm weeping in his arms. Then I realize that unless it's raining, which I don't think is the case, then he is crying just as hard as I am.
We walk back to my apartment, hand in hand, neither of us spoke a word, and it wasn't needed. I never realized that I had walked that far, but something drew me to the reflecting pool, and I am glad it did. I reach down to get my keys out of my purse and realize that I didn't bring it. I was in such a hurry to get away from myself that I forgot my purse.
Mulder reached in his pocket and pulled out his set of keys. He still has mine. I never requested that he give it back, I've always felt safe knowing that he has a way to enter my home. It has helped him save my life too many times.
We walk in side-by-side, which, I'm surprised we still fit in at the same time, as much as I've swelled up.
"Jesus, Mulder, I feel like the Goodyear Blimp!" I was serious too, I did.
He laughs, of course, how could I not know that he was going to laugh, he always does at things like that. I can't help but smile too.
His face goes blank just as quickly as the smile had been shed across it, I know what is coming. Before he says anything, I do, "Mulder, we are going to talk. Tonight. Give me a few minutes though first.
He walks over and sits on the couch. When I return, in my-oh so lovely sweats, I make us both hot chocolate and sit down with him on the couch. It's hard to maneuver these days, but I managed to sit facing him, my left knee touching his right. His hand is resting on my knee and I know that he needs to feel us connected. He also needs to know that I still trust him, so it rests there, for a long time. I need the contact as much as he does.
"How have you been Scully?"
"I've been good, our...the baby is due in a month. So far everything is coming along, I started lamas a little while ago." I was looking forward to that for a long time, Mulder was going to be my coach, but then, well, he wasn't here.
His eyes lit up some time while I was talking. I can't determine when, but it warms me all over to know how much he loves this child.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here for the first few classes Scully, but I needed to get that done before the baby was born, I hope you understand that. I do still want to go with you from now on if you'll still let me be your coach." I know that he is genuine and that he really does want to come. He looks hurt while I'm thinking and I note that he must be waiting for a response.
"Of course I want you to be there Mulder, this baby is as much a part of you as it is a part of me. I wouldn't have it any other way." I feel my eyes begin to tear up again and smile a little instead. He knows that I'm about to cry though and wraps his arms around me. I love this man; I can't get over it.
It hits me. Like a Tidal Wave. What the hell have I been thinking all these years! I don't love him; I am in love with him. I'm such an ass. I want to tell him like any normal person would, but instead I blubber like a little child who got their mommy taken away for the night and was left with yet another babysitter.
He thinks I'm still thinking about the last topic, and he's wrong, but how on earth do you tell this to someone that you've been partnered with for almost a decade, shared tragedy, happiness, and almost the loss of the other. How do you tell them that?
Is it really as simple as saying 'I love you'? No, I didn't think so.
"What is it Scully?" How do I tell him?
"Scully?"
I stop blubbering to spit out the words, "it isn't all that simple Mulder"
"Well, I bet you we've been through things just as complicated, whatever it is I'm positive we can get through it." He looks at me, he's concerned, god I bet he thinks it's the baby, the way I'm carrying on like this.
"Don't worry, it isn't me or the baby," I say this quietly, hoping that that is what he was worried about, the relief in his face and his eyes tells me I was right to say that.
"What is it then?"
"Well, sitting here with you, made me realize something that I have been denying myself for at least the past seven years."
He interrupts me, "You like having a life, don't you Scully?" he asks me this and I think he's only half joking.
I smile, "Well I guess that kinda does fit in with this. I need to say this though. Mulder, before you left, I was getting used to us being together, always together, and I loved it, we didn't need a sexual relationship to be more than lovers, and now it's all still the same. Well, the thing I did notice was how much I loved you, and still love you. But now, there is something else. Not only do I love you, but I am in love with you." That was hard.
"I…you… I…"
"Mulder, you don't have to say anything, I just need to know that you know. You know?"
"Oh, now I know you know that I know, otherwise what the hell would you have told me for?" Right.
"I know."
"Scully, I love you, and that is NEVER going to change. I only want what is best for you. You tell me how far this is going to go, and that is where we will be." Somehow over the course of the last half hour he had scooted closer to me, something I didn't think was possible with me in this condition.
I lean forward as far as I can and he meets me the rest of the way. We kiss. Our first kiss of the rest of our lives, I know this is going to work, I can feel it.
"I love you." Three simple words that I didn't think could say it before and probably still cant slip out of my mouth in between passionate kisses.
"We need to finish talking first Scully." I know that he's right, but I don't want to, I'm not that comfortable sitting here like this and my back hurts.
"I know, but I can't keep sitting here like this though, my back hurts, lets go lie down."
"Okay, do you still have some of my sweats here?"
"What you think I would throw them away?"
"Well…"
"They are in the left side of my closet, bottom shelf, along with the other things of yours that were left here when you, ah, disappeared, so to speak."
He changed and came back with a grin, "Hey Scully? Did you notice that we match?"
"So we do, Mulder. That's cute." I couldn't help but smile. He's so funny to get excited about things like our clothes matching. I was already in bed and ordered him to lie down next to me. He obeyed and gently slid himself under the blanket next to me; I was lying on my side so that I could see him properly. So I could see his eyes.
"Where did you go Mulder?"
"I went a lot of places Scully, there were a lot of things that hadn't been taken care of when we were shut down." WE. I like the way it is no longer his quest, but our quest, our truth. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to listen.
"I went to see my mother. She's doing well, I have a lot of old boxes of journals and stuff that she gave me to look through, said there might be something in there of some value to us." US. "Scully," he looked hurt, confused.
"What is it, what happened Mulder?" I sit up a little, getting an uneasy feeling. He puts his hand on my shoulder and shushed me, making me lie my head back down. His hand skimmed down my arm until our fingers were eventually intertwined.
"She said that she had heard from Samantha. I went to check it out. It's her. We did DNA testing. She actually has blood, red blood, human blood. And before you say anything about why I didn't tell you it was because I knew that if I tried to learn who she was and have you there at the same time that it wouldn't be fair to you. I wouldn't have been able to give you the attention you needed. That's why I was gone so long. I talked to some people who are going to help us investigate on our own terms, when the right time comes. Scully, Sam moved out here, she picked up her whole family and lives only miles away from my place. It's so weird; I mean I love it though. I now have the only people who have ever mattered to me living in the same place. She wants to meet you. I told her that maybe I would bring you by tomorrow. I guess I haven't stopped talking about you the whole time."
Speechless. Who woulda thought? Me, Dana Katherine Scully. Speechless. Well kinda, the balling shares my voice a little. I know I've been in his arms many times tonight, but none of those times was it like this. This was different; life for the both of us has changed drastically in the past few months and I know it will change further…
I wake up, still holding him tight. After I broke down last night he held me even closer than he ever has. Which I will say again is odd, considering. He told me the rest of what happened in those months and I know he was telling the truth, about the men, the project. He wouldn't lie to me, not now.
I feel the baby moving and Mulder's hand comes down to rest on the spot she was kicking. SHE, that's when I realized that I never told him we were having a girl. I had found out, I needed to know, it gave me things to do while he was away, go out and find things to make a baby girl happy with. I remember that day, I remember everything since that day that all of this started, when Mulder gave me back my ova.
It was so perfect. I now could have the thing that I wanted most. A week later I had been to the doctor and they told me what my possibilities were and when they mentioned having someone close to me donate sperm, or if I was uncomfortable with that getting and unknown donor, I immediately thought of Mulder. It felt right that he would be the biological father of my child. Even if we weren't involved in that type of relationship, I knew that if I went through with this, even if he wasn't the donor, he would be there. He always has wanted a child, I could tell since I saw him with Emily, but I didn't know how he would react at me asking him something like that. Something so personal.
So when I asked him I was nervous and shaking. He knew I needed to ask him something and came right out and said, 'So, Scully, are you gonna ask me or what?'
I was shocked, how could he know, but when I looked at his face I could tell that he didn't know exactly what I was about to ask him. I was surprised when it came out so easily, I simply said, 'Mulder, I am going to have a baby, and I want you to be the sperm donor.' I remember him stuttering, and crying and sharing the joy of the fact that not only was I going to have a baby but we were going to have a baby, a type of bond that is only shared by two people that truly love each other. I was in awe at how caring and cooperative he had been through it all. He loved it though, every minute of everything he did for me in those months, he loved it all.
"Mulder, thank you." I finally came out of my flashback and managed to thank him.
He knew what I had been thanking him for and it's one of those things that needs no response, but of course he had the perfect one. He kissed me on the nose, then rested his face on mine.
"I found out what it is Mulder." I said this, almost as a question, I think.
His eyes lit up for only the thousandth time when I had talked about the baby and I knew that he wanted to know.
"It's a girl Mulder." For the second time in less than twenty-four hours he put his head above mine and started to cry. I know that that is special to him.
"Have you thought of any names yet Scully?"
"Actually, come to think about it I haven't," I never even realized that I hadn't, "I think that maybe I was waiting for you. You are going to name this child with me Mulder, after all, she's yours."
"Do you really think that Scully, that she's mine?"
"Of course I do Mulder, how could I not? I mean you are her father, you helped to create her, and while maybe not in the normal way, it doesn't make your bond with her any less sacred."
"Oh God Scully, I love you so much." He wrapped his arms around me, quite tightly I might add, and smiled, all the tears were gone. I opened my eyes and saw the clock. Shit.
How could it already be one in the afternoon?
"Mulder, did you tell Samantha a time that we would be there today?"
"I said that if we come it would be around noon. Why?"
"Because it is one in the afternoon."
"Oh"
"Oh, Mulder, don't you think she'll care?"
"No, she knows that I have spent the last four months with her, and we know each other Scully, surprisingly, I thought that it would've taken years to get to the point we are already at. Anyways, I have spent the last four months with her while the woman I love was sitting at home making a baby. She understands that I need to be with you right now."
How do you respond to something like that? I have no idea so for a while I just sit and tell him with my eyes how glad I am that he said that.
"Well I want to meet her, and we are going today, so lets get up and get ready to go. I am going to get in the shower, and you can I don't know, you probably need to change, I'll be quick though so you can do whatever until I get out." I left the door unlocked so that while I was in the shower he could use the sink and mirror. Of course he came in and made the type of comments you would expect from a guy, but I didn't care, because as soon as I am not in such a blimpic state, I am going to take him up on them. He was very honorable though and like he said, or relationship was only going to go where I wanted it to.
I finally met his sister! She's beautiful, it made the past nine years of my life worthwhile to see Mulder and her together, playing and joking around the way I do with my family. When I think about it, over the past what like eighteen hours that I have been with Mulder, I can tell that he is genuinely happy now. I look at my watch as if questioning myself as to how long it has been since he came back.
"Oh no, Mulder!"
"What, Scully is something wrong?!" Crap, I didn't realize that I sounded that panicked.
"No Mulder. It's just that I didn't realize it's quarter to seven already and…"
"Shit you have lamas tonight." I smiled, I didn't think that after being gone for four months that he would remember what day I told him my classes were on. And I know for a fact that I haven't told him since he got back.
"Yeah, but maybe we shouldn't go tonight."
" No way Scully. We're going."
"Are you sure? I mean, there are a few more classes."
"Scully, I want to go. Can we please leave so that we're on time?"
"Okay, but promise me you're going because you want to."
"I pinky promise."
That was too much, I burst out laughing, stuck out my pinky and tried to mumble through the words "I haven't heard that since I was ten!"
"Right…Well, thank you for having us Sam. We'll stop by again soon." I quieted down and watched as Mulder said this. He wasn't even nervous leaving her now. He hugged her and his little niece and nephew. I couldn't help but think once again how great he was going to be with this baby.
In the car on our way to class, Mulder wanted to start thinking about names. He wanted to name her after the people who have brought us where we are. I agreed. That night, after only about ten minutes of talking about it, we decided on a name. After the one thing that brought us together we wanted Samantha to be a part of her name. And after my sister, who inadvertently got Mulder to save my life, Melissa. However, since there would already be a Samantha around, we decided upon Melissa Samantha. Oddly, we didn't have to say whose last name would be used. I knew what I was going to do, but I know that he thinks I am going to do the opposite, to him it isn't a question.
"Mulder."
"Hmm?"
"No, I'm saying Melissa Samantha Mulder."
SCREEEEEEEECH!!!!!
"Would you kindly repeat that?"
"Would you kindly drive?"
"I. Asked. You. First."
"I said Melissa Samantha Mulder."
"Scully. Why would you do that? I mean, yeah, this baby is a part of me and I'm flattered, but why would you do that, this is your child."
"Lets just say that I have a feeling that this is right, and that this baby will grow up with your name." I have this feeling, it's a very strong one, and I realize that this is cliché, but I know that we will be together. In my future it's all I can see is the three of us, together.
"Scully, I…I…what can I say? You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that." He leaned over, gently resting a hand on the bubble that is little Melissa. The other came up and rested on my cheek. He brushed his thumb over my lips, then kissed me sweetly. It was his promise, his oath to me that he wouldn't leave me.
He started the car up again, and pulled back out onto the road. For the longest time, I just sat, I watched him, not knowing what there was left to say or to do. At least at this moment.
"I love you. And you know what the best part is?" I hadn't even realized that I was talking.
"What's that?" A simple question filled with so many emotions. The most significant one; pure joy.
"That now, after all these years, we can finally be together, and we don't have to worry about being closed down or separated. All we have to worry about is each other."
Looking back at the road, finally, he slammed on his brakes, suddenly seeing the red light. I grabbed the door, I hadn't been paying attention to the road either.
"Well," he said looking over at me, "I suppose you're right." With that he leaned over and kissed me again, this time, I got a slight taste of that luscious bottom lip that all the ladies at the bureau are all still obsessed with. A girl could DEFINITELY get used to this.
Faith and I have been friends since as long as I can remember. She was always moving for her father too and surprisingly we ended up at the same bases on more than one occasion. Anyway, it's amazing that we've stayed friends this long. I'm so happy for all her success and as she said, putting up with her would eventually pay off. I have the feeling that tonight is when.
Mulder and I haven't gone out at all since the baby was born. She is so beautiful; she brought us together on an even deeper level than I thought she would. Anyways, back to tonight.
We are going to go out, oddly, in a very normal way. We are going to go to the Faith Hill concert. As I said before, her and I have been friends since we were kids, so I called in a few favors to her.
"So, Dana," I love when he uses my real name, although it was weird at first and I missed hearing him call me Scully, I have come to enjoy the slight shyness in his voice, the want, the approval, everything, "umm did you tell Sam where we would be? Did you give her our cell numbers? Oh and what about my beeper? I hope she has enough milk, Missy can eat! Oh No. I don't think we gave her the number to the arena!"
"Settle down Mulder!" I still call him Mulder a lot. Hard habit to break, plus, now it's more of a privilege to be able to. He is introducing himself more and more as Fox. How can I help it, I feel like I know a secret side of him that no one else does. Anyway, on with trying to calm him down. "I know that this is the first time we have gone out in what almost two months, but she's with her aunt who happens to have just about every number that she possibly could to get a hold of us. Just relax and enjoy the night.
With that said the lights dimmed in the huge arena like field and Faith walked out onto stage. I have to give her this; she looks awesome, especially for having a kid like every time I talk to her.
Mulder wrapped his arm around me in the way he has become accustom to and I leaned into him.
The night flew by and I lost all sense of time until I realized what Faith was saying.
"Alright, now I have a new song, and two people I know are very closely involved with this song." Two? She looked down at us, smiled and went on talking. "So here's to you G-Man, with love from Mrs. Spooky…
I can feel the magic floatin' in the air
Being with you gets me that way
Fox turned around to me, lifted me ever so gently from the large blanket we were sitting on and held me in his arms. I was so awe struck with the beauty of the song and him that I didn't realize for a minute that we were dancing.
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I, oh I've
Never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away, the only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart
We somehow manage to pull the other into a tighter embrace at the same time. We are now danicing in our famous hug position; my head resting on his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me, his chin resting on top of my head.
And I can feel you breath, it's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush
And, baby isn't that the way loves supposed to be
I can feel you breath
Just breath
In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumblin' down
Closer than I've ever felt before and I know and you know
There's no need for words right now
I want to see his face. I look up to a joyful, yet teary eyed Fox Mulder. That earns him a kiss, but he beats me to it and our lips meet, soft, yet demanding. He can do anything he wants to tonight, and he does. He seduces my mouth with his, tasting, nibbling, full of questions, full of desire.
And I can feel you breath, it's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush
And, baby isn't that the way loves supposed to be
I can feel you breath
Just breath
I can feel the magic floatin' in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I don't think that we broke apart from the kiss until then, when our music ended. Faith walked off stage with one of her smiles. I think that I must have the same one on my face.
I look back up at him and instead of pulling out the backstage passes, I pull out our house keys. Faith will understand if I don't go backstage this time. Now that I think about it, I think she knew that and that is the real reason for her smile.
"Lets go home Fox." I tug at his hand, give him one last kiss on the cheek and we walk out like that, hand in hand, both of us knowing that tonight, after all of our restraining, we will finally baptize ourselves in the other.
I didn't know what to expect. But that was more than I could ever have hoped for. It was perfect. We came home and took it slowly. We got wine, strawberries, couple food. The sex itself was brilliant, but the meaning behind it was indescribable. I could only say that it was sweet, meaningful. And so expressive. I think it lasted for hours. He seemed to know exactly what I wanted, what I needed and gave it to me.
When it was through, I wouldn't let him move, I wanted to feel him laying with me, naked and strong. We fell asleep like that and instead of rolling away from each other in the night, we only got closer.
We went and picked Melissa up from Sam's when we finally woke up. Today I watched him with her. The second we got there she was in his arms, drowning in him probably, but loving her father even in her sleep upon his shoulder. I could see this coming, daddy's little girl. Daddy, I think the word over and over, having yet another Mulder-breakthrough. I n the months since he has come back, I have referred to him as 'father' that's the first time I've thought of him as her daddy. I couldn't help but think of Ahab at this point. He was my daddy, and well, I couldn't help but cry.
Here we were, Mulder and me, our child right in front of us, and he loved her more than some fathers love their children ever in their lives. Just like my Ahab.
Shit. I think I'm still crying! When he looks at me I know I am. Then he walks over to me with Melissa sleeping comfortably in his right arm, and bends gently down to my height, kisses a tear from my cheek. I look up, I still love this man. Probably now more than ever.
He steps to my side and puts his right arm around my back, tucking his hand gently around the opposite side of my rib cage, slightly high, but highly suggestive.
From there we leave Sam's house and walk to our car for the first time as Mommy, Daddy, and the child that brought us to life with love and desire for each other.