Random Stupidity
Gordo discovers that Lizzie can be pretty disgusting, Matt gets injured, and Miranda sleeps in. None of it really means anything.
Ratedfor stupidity, scatological humor, and references to The Burger King.
I don't own Lizzie McGuire or Burger King.
10:03 AM, Saturday, October 19th:
Lizzie McGuire wakes up. In lieu of a shower, she goes straight downstairs to eat breakfast. She boils herself an egg and drinks a cup of milk. Then, she goes upstairs and marvels at how pretty her 'eye crispies' are.
David Gordon wakes up, he takes a shower and then tries on several dresses in the privacy of his own bedroom. While in a cheerleading outfit, he writes about Lizzie and how much he loves her. David's confused.
Miranda sleeps.
11:13 AM:
Lizzie brushes her perfect teeth and washes her perfect face. She smiles at herself in the mirror and goes back downstairs. Matt passes by and acts like a smartass. Lizzie ignores him and grabs another cup of milk. Then she goes up into her room and tries to sing. Her parents, brother and neighbors all suffer in the process.
David puts on a pair of Lizzie's satin underwear he stole from her house. Then, he changes into his normal clothes and gets ready to visit the McGuire household.
Miranda sleeps.
12:07 PM:
Lizzie finishes singing, much to the relief of all in hearing distance. She goes downstairs and prepares a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich for herself. She eats it sloppily, and ends up with food all over her face. She wipes off her mouth just as...
Gordo knocks on Lizzie's door. He got to the house a half-hour earlier, but stood on the porch fantasizing about her for awhile. Lizzie opens the door. She looks radiant, even though she hasn't showered and still has a little jelly on the side of her lip. Gordo giggles like a schoolgirl. Lizzie invites him up to her room.
They play Boggle.
Miranda sleeps.
12:17 PM:
Lizzie and Gordo play Boggle.
Miranda wakes up and realizes she's the best, most interesting character on the entire show. She thinks about this for awhile, and then starts jumping on her bed with joy. She hits her head on the ceiling fan. She cries and bleeds for several minutes, before going back to sleep.
12:39 PM:
Lizzie and Gordo stop playing Boggle. Gordo suggests going to the Digital Bean. Lizzie agrees. Gordo leaves Lizzie's room so she can change. Gordo realizes that satin underwear is really itchy.
Miranda sleeps.
12:45 PM:
Lizzie leaves the room wearing something that will be considered extremely tacky twenty years from now. She and Gordo leave for the digital bean. While they're gone, Matt tries to figure out a prank to play on Lizzie. As he does this, he realizes that he has no life outside of trying to make his sister miserable.
He cries.
Miranda sleeps.
1:06 PM:
Lizzie and Gordo get to the Digital Bean. Lizzie orders coffee. Gordo goes online and realizes that he can do whatever he wants to Lizzie, legal or not, as long as he becomes a professional athlete. Lizzie gulps down the coffee extremely fast. It's scalding hot, and she screams for a while. After she calms down, she and Gordo both surf the Internet.
Matt tries to figure out what to do with his life. Then, he decides to put superglue on Lizzie's phone.
Miranda sleeps.
1:56 PM:
Lizzie orders a rack of lamb. Gordo suddenly remembers that John Kerry lost the election. He screams for a while. Lizzie returns with her rack of lamb and some fries. She shares the fries with Gordo.
Matt superglues himself to Lizzie's phone. He cries.
Miranda wakes up with The Burger King. She wets herself.
2:02 PM:
Lizzie finishes her rack of lamb.
Jo goes to see what Matt is crying about. When she sees that he's glued to Lizzie's phone, she decides to get the knife. Upon hearing this, Matt wets himself.
The King offers Miranda a Whopper. Miranda smiles at the King and then deadens him with the bat she keeps next to her bed. She drags the corpse to her window and pushes him out.
2:13 PM:
Lizzie and Gordo stare into each other's eyes. Gordo tells Lizzie there's a booger in her nose. Lizzie tells Gordo that he's got a gigantic pimple. They turn away from each other.
Jo tries to calm Matt down as she slices his hand off of Lizzie's phone. There is much screaming.
Miranda goes back to sleep.
2:45 PM:
Lizzie orders a milkshake.
Jo and Matt arrive at the emergency room, both screaming. A bald guy with glasses offers to take care of them, but then realizes he left the show already and doesn't have to.
Miranda sleeps.
3:12 PM:
Gordo suddenly feels the urge to tell Lizzie how he feels about her. Lizzie suddenly feels the urge to take a huge dump.
Jo and Matt wait in the waiting room, next to a girl with six hands sticking out of her forehead.
Miranda sleeps.
3:14 PM:
Gordo starts to say, 'Lizzie... I love you'. Lizzie cuts him off and says, 'Gordo... I've got to go to the bathroom.' Lizzie makes her way to the ladies room as fast as possible. Gordo sobs.
The girl with six hands sticking out of her forehead stares at Jo with red, scary eyes. Jo tries not to say anything politically incorrect. Then, she screams 'what a freak!' People give her dirty looks.
Miranda sleeps.
3:18 PM:
Lizzie gets into the ladies room, only to discover that all the stalls are full. She groans and decides to go to the boys' bathroom. Gordo continues to sob. Coffee is declared the official drink of trendy white folk.
Matt starts to cry, because most of the skin has been sliced off the palm of his hand. Jo whispers for him to hush. She also tells him to say that his father is the one who cut him.
Miranda sleeps.
3:20 PM:
Lizzie gets into the men's room. It looks disgusting and smells like pee, because men are disgusting pigs. One stall is free, and Lizzie quickly goes into it.
Gordo talks to Juan Valdez about his problem. He then wonders what Juan Valdez is doing at the Digital Bean. Juan shrugs and turns into dust.
Miranda wakes up, horrified. Her heart has stopped and she's unable to breathe. Then, she realizes she only dreamed that she was fat, and goes back to bed.
3:25 PM:
Lizzie unloads. Ethan enters the boys' room, and turns pale at the sounds coming from Lizzie's stall. He decides to use the restroom down the street and quickly leaves.
Gordo stops Ethan on his way out and asks, "What would your reaction be if I told you I love you?" Gordo then realizes he didn't put the question quite the way he wanted to, and Ethan leaves. Both boys are confused.
Matt continues to bleed. The doctor admits a boy with a boil. Matt cries.
Miranda sleeps.
3:46 PM:
Lizzie's still dropping the kids off by the pool. Her moans and groans are causing many to avoid the boys' bathroom.
Gordo goes online, looking for advice on how to say 'I love you' to a girl. He finds fifty-three adult sites and nothing more. He becomes consumed with teenage angst and wonders if Lizzie even likes him. He decides he needs to pee and heads to the men's' room.
The doctor is ready for Matt. Matt's hand has already healed, however, so he and Jo both decide to go home instead.
Someone wonders why Miranda is still asleep. Unfortunately, that someone is Miranda herself.
3:49 PM:
Gordo enters the bathroom and hears the most ungodly, horrible noises coming from a stall. He wonders who's in the stall, and then realizes that it's Lizzie. To confirm this, he asks, "Lizzie? Is that you?"
Lizzie responds by asking, "Gordo? What are you doing in here?" and passing gas. Gordo has nothing to say, because the very idea that Lizzie uses the bathroom to do anything but pee is very disturbing to him. Quickly, Gordo leaves the Digital Bean.
Miranda sleeps.
3:53 PM:
Gordo walks down the street, realizing that he just can't be with a girl who takes humongous dumps. He decides to focus his sexual energy on Miranda, and heads towards her house.
Lizzie realizes that there's no toilet paper. She cries.
Miranda sleeps.
4:00 PM:
Gordo arrives at Miranda's house. He knocks on the door. Miranda wakes up, and realizes that she's been asleep for nineteen hours. She looks at her face in the mirror. The mirror breaks. Without time to make herself look presentable, Miranda runs downstairs to answer the door.
Upon seeing Miranda look extremely disgusting, Gordo begins to cry. He realizes that both Lizzie and Miranda can both be very disgusting. Quickly, he leaves, and decides to see if Ethan is interested in a secret date. Besides, he thinks, boys are supposed to be disgusting.
Lizzie is stranded in the men's room. She continues to cry.
Matt and Jo arrive back home. Matt wonders if getting his hand cut was a sign that he needs to stop playing pranks on Lizzie. He decides that it wasn't, and then replaces Lizzie's shampoo with red hair dye.
4:36 PM:
Lizzie, after spending a half-hour stranded in the men's room, walks out of the Digital Bean looking as if nothing happened. A pungent stench emanates from her, and people who pass by give her dirty looks.
Meanwhile, a man enters the stall Lizzie left behind. He catches one whiff of the smell, and drops dead.
Gordo lies in his bedroom, softly crying. The girl of his dreams and his back-up girl are both... surprisingly human. He wonders why he wanted to date any of his friends anyway. He shrugs and decides to obsessively crush on Kate Saunders.
Miranda goes back to sleep. As she dozes off, she wonders if she might have a medical problem.
5:06 PM:
Lizzie gets home and takes a much needed shower. When she gets out, she catches a glimpse of her hair in the mirror and screams.
Matt laughs in the other room and rubs his hands together. Because his hand is still tender, this causes much, much pain. Matt screams as well.
5:41 PM:
The writer of this story runs out of ideas.
The End.