Nobody steers the wheel of fate
It was in the past, so the end that they wait for has already happened. They simply do not know how it ended. But they will find out, when the vigil is done –
This is the day they seek: the day when under the gigantic tree will come golden hair and red eyes, in traditional garb, and if there is only one surely she will know where the other is as well, the day when into the courtyard will stroll golden hair and red eyes, in modern garb, and if there is only one surely she will know where the other is as well, and all the waiting will go, and all the endless unknowing will end, and in the sudden roaring silence the future will come crashing in -
..o..
Shizuru makes Himeko's lunches before she walks her to school, always sure to pack lots of vegetables, and when Himeko comes home in the evening Shizuru helps her with her homework.
Shinpachi Shimura teaches Himeko how to play video games, Himeko's friends bring her ribbons and sweets, and when Shizuru has a day off sometimes Jin Ogami takes them both to an amusement park, or to the pool if it's summer.
And each night they go to sleep in the same room, in the same bed, so that when Himeko dreams of wolves she will not wake up alone.
Of course, Shizuru dreams of wolves, too, but when she wakes up in tears it is for an entirely different reason.
..o..
And one day Himeko sniffles and asks: "What if they've forgotten us?"
Shizuru shushes her gently.
"Something must be keeping them," she says. "When they come, we'll find out why. But they'll reach us, without fail."
That is how it is.
Never an 'if', but always a 'when'.
..o..
They never talk about it, the festival, the rampaging Avatar, the echoes of Hokkien vulgarities, the sound of shouting and snarling that followed them, the last fleeting moment in warm, blood-clad arms -
(Chikane almost never yelled, even in her wolf form, but she had yelled back then; and for once Natsuki had listened. It was Chikane that bought the time, and Natsuki who spent it wisely, and now Shizuru and Himeko had nothing but time, nothing but time to question the memories, nothing but time to make excuses, nothing but time to wait and wait and wait until their past caught up with their future, which had already happened.)
- because really, it might not have happened that way at all. Maybe it was Natsuki who bought and Chikane who spent, or maybe Shizuru herself grabbed Himeko and ran, took them both away, far away, and maybe Mai didn't die by her brother's hand, and maybe Nobita and the Tohno household hadn't died trying to stop the falling Eurasia, and maybe Suneo wasn't swallowed alive by his own curse, there wasn't nearly as much blood and memory is a strange thing, and maybe neither of them remembers it right anymore.
Maybe they can always hope.
..o..
And one autumn day when she is eleven, Himeko says worriedly: "Isn't there anything I can do for you, Shizuru-sama?"
Shizuru shifts uncomfortably beneath the electric blanket and just smiles. "I'm fine, Himeko-chan," she says. "Go shopping with your friends."
She shoos the girl away, but Himeko looks back, all the time, trying to keep Shizuru in her sights, always. Neither wants to wait without the other.
..o..
When she and Himeko had woken up at the ruins where the floating city of Eurasia crashed, Shizuru's leg had been broken. The strange thing was that she couldn't remember exactly when it had shattered, but once they hit the ground it was obvious. Help had not come for a whole night.
This is why she limps.
When Himeko turns fifteen, she begins to talk about quitting school, about helping with the work and the minutiae of existence, to help with the business of waiting, but always Shizuru soothes her and tells her that it's okay.
Shizuru is quiet, and keeps her regrets inside. There was no way she could finish university, so instead she works with Midori and Haruka, waitressing at a local sushi bar opened by Taizou "Madao" Hasegawa, catering to tourists.
Looks of pity are always cast her way - she twists and hobbles when the sky grows heavy with clouds - but the pay is good. Travellers leave tips and although feels weird and wrong she keeps them anyway. There's another mouth to feed, after all.
It's not easy, but who ever promised that it would be? She's lost weight, turned wispy and pale, and she is tired most of the time, but usually she can push aside the little thoughts that wonder what might have happened if she had just concentrated more on her studies, or if she had not pulled so far away from her friends, or if something had gone differently, back when something might have made any sort of difference at all.
These are the thoughts that she hides away. She doesn't want Natsuki to see them, when she comes to her.
..o..
And one spring morning, Himeko yawns, adjusts her yukata, and says: "What will happen when they come?"
Shizuru, smoothing her hair down and twisting it into a simple traditional style, pauses.
"Well," she says. "Everything will be better, of course."
And Shizuru laughs, turns to her and embraces her tightly.
"Himeko-chan!" Shizuru cries, half-laughing and confused. "What on earth - ?"
Himeko laughs again, and never tells.
..o..
As the years go by, it becomes easier and easier to smooth makeup over the dark shadows under her eyes, easier to smile brightly. It becomes easier and easier to stifle the sick feeling in her stomach that weighs heavy each time she stumbles in the rain, or discovers that she can no longer do something, like ride a bicycle, because her hip refuses to work correctly.
Each day that she visits their graves behind her back, it becomes easier to pretend that the faces Shizuru remembers won't change when they sees the crippled creature she has become.
..o..
And one day when they are both tired, Himeko wonders out loud: "When?"
Shizuru has no answer for her.
She never dared.
..o..
The years go by, but Natsuki and Chikane doesn't. Shizuru's lips remain unkissed, her body untouched.
She refuses to be unfaithful. The moment that she is, she knows she will return, and all those years, all that suffering will have been for naught.
She doesn't know all of Himeko's secrets, but Himeko, she is almost certain, has never been kissed either. Even were she not waiting, no one could ever compare.
This is the secret they both know, the secret that negates all silly questions, all mundane dreams: the scars left behind are too deep and too intimate - no one can match them except the ones who made them.
..o..
And one day Himeko finally says: "It's okay."
Shizuru doesn't have to ask to know what she is saying, because it's not important. The important thing is that Himeko understands.
..o..
Even though Shizuru and Himeko never talk about the past with anyone else, they never talk about it with each other, either. There are secrets both of them were unwilling to tell the other. There are secrets that never need to be told, because both of them already know.
They never talk about the ones for whom they keep vigil.
Some things can only be said in the hollow spaces that words leave behind.
..o..
And that night Himeko whispers: "This is a secret."
And it is. Secrets can't be shared, and soft skin and softer sighs and the strange moments when should be turns to is can never be shared with anyone. There is no way that, having challenged the Avatar, master of the four elements, for supremacy, one may return and tell its tales to those who do not know.
And so they whisper their secrets that have no words at all.
..o..
Each caress is another scar, another unmatchable thing, but these will never be told, so no vigil will be forced, no facade kept up. Secrets only bind those who know about them.
And so,
It's a secret, the sweet, strong stroke of Himeko's tongue.
It's a secret, the dark scrape of Shizuru's teeth.
It's a secret, that special little spot on her spine that makes Himeko arch, head thrown back.
It's a secret, Shizuru's soft moans when slender hands skate over her breasts just so.
It's a secret, how warm Himeko is inside.
It's a secret, how silently Shizuru comes.
..o..
So together they wait for the end - which has already happened - and through the grey windows of the morning the future comes silently crashing in.
..o..
"Here lies Chikane Himemiya and Natsuki Kuga, brave maidens who challenged the Last Avatar, Sigma the Tyrant, in a bid for freedom and justice among the five clans and the four nations."
Diend