Hey! So this is the first Merlin fic I ever wrote, and I'm a tad unsure about because it has a weird pattern and messed-up tenses...
I got the idea while listening to a song- Wrap Your Arms Around Me by the Barenaked Ladies (don't be put off by the name, they're guys, they wear clothes and they're a very good band!) It's not vital to know the song, but listen to it- I thought it fitted Merthur perfectly.
Anyhoo... Hope you enjoy the story, constructive criticism is appreciated- reviews make me happy!
Wrap Your Arms Around Me
Merlin had been nervous before. He had been frightened before. Terrified before. But never like this. Standing in front of his friend, his protector... the man he loved. Ready to tell him everything. Everything.
He took a deep breath. Looked into Arthur's expressive eyes, looked at the trust and the love there, and almost cried, knowing that Arthur might never look at him like that again. Not look at a sorcerer with trust. Never look at a sorcerer with love.
You are looking at me in terror. Why? Even when we met, when you called me a prat and I almost broke your arm, even then you weren't scared of me. And nothing much has changed. I am king and you are as close to queen as can be, although I would never tell you that. I love you, and to my great surprise you deem me worthy of your love. But you are scared now. You have never been scared of me.
I reach out a hand. "Merlin? Merlin, love, are you alright?" You flinch away, and I pull my hand back as if you burned it. Now I am scared. "Merlin? Merlin!"
Arthur said his name the way no-one else ever had. Merlin, like a caress. But, here in this empty room, Merlin knew that a caress could turn to a punch, to a kick, to the fire... Merlin wished for more time, but deep in his soul, he knew this was it. Every time he had to conceal the truth from the one he loved more than anything, he hurt, deep where the love grew. It was a love built on so many lies, but it didn't feel fake. It felt warm and strong and powerful and everlasting... But even the strongest walls could fall.
"I have something to tell you."
I frown at you. This doesn't seem worth the fuss. But you are still speaking. "I always wanted to tell you, but I had to keep it a secret. I had to. I'm so sorry. So very sorry..."
"Merlin!" I try to keep the panic out of my voice. You look at me with eyes bright blue- eyes I have seen sad and happy and angry and contented and furious, eyes that are so empty now. Devoid of any emotion. "Merlin!"
He sounded so concerned, so worried. But Merlin knew that would change. Merlin gathered his courage and said it, said it as a goodbye. "I love you, Arthur."
"I love you too, idiot." You are shaking like a leaf and I still don't know why. I want to hug you, hold you, comfort you. I even start moving, but your next words stop me in my tracks.
"I have magic." Merlin let out a breath he hadn't even known he was holding. There it was. No secrets now, just the truth, harsh as it was. He opened his eyes, looking into Arthur's as his expression changed from worry to shock to disbelief to horror... to anger.
No. No. NO! Your beautiful face disappears from my sight and terrible images replace it, images of death and destruction and loss and linking it all, sorcery... My father dead, his kingdom on fire, my kingdom on fire, people bleeding, burning, dying... dead. And I am moving again before I notice. I stop in front of you, not seeing, blinded by remembered grief and fresh betrayal. And I put my hands around your neck.
So this is how it would end, Merlin thought. Not at the hands of an evil sorcerer after a long and epic battle as he tried to save the ones he loved. No, at the hands of a man he would never kill. Never. At least, he thought through the pain, at least he would die by Arthur's side. All he really wanted was right here... And it was that thought that made him move with his final energy... But not to futilely push away.
You wrap your arms around me, and your touch, so chaste, drives away the memories of pain and hatred, replacing them with recollections that fill my mind with happiness and light and love and longing... Memories of you. The way you looked at me before I kissed you for the first time. The expression on your face afterwards that made me kiss you again. Your smile when I told you I loved you. Your voice when you told me you loved me. The feeling of you in my arms... You are all my good memories, and I come back to reality with a crash. Then I realise what I have done.
"Merlin!" Why did he let me go? mused Merlin. To kill me at a later date? For a public execution to show that betrayal can come from anywhere and lies can fool even kings? Nothing made sense anymore. But Merlin didn't care. He wanted to sink away into oblivion, away from Arthur who hated him, away from Arthur who was... kissing him?
"Merlin, no, Merlin I'm sorry, no, love, come back, Merlin, I love you, I'm sorry, no, please, Merlin! Merlin, Merlin, Merlin, please..."
Arthur's words were a caress. Not a punch or a kick or the fire. A caress again. And Merlin's head broke through the surface of the darkness that had almost consumed him.
"Oh, oh no, no, no, no MERLIN! Please no..." My voice is a babble against your skin. I kiss your eyes your hair your neck your nose your ears your mouth your cheeks and then you are breathing again and I don't realise I am crying until I see the droplets on your cheeks. And then we are kissing and weeping and holding and whispering a confusions of endearments and apologies and I am filled with a self-loathing until you kiss it away and I love you I'm sorry I love you I'm sorry I love you sorry love sorry love sorry lovelovelovelove...
They hate themselves for the secrets,
And the time he nearly died.
And they love each other despite it all
Because they are still alive.
Over time they'll kiss the hate away,
But the love they have will always stay.