Okay first of allI have to say I have no idea what to think of the first part of this. It's the first time I've had a set couple in a fanficIt's a little mini fic based on a number of songs and to be honestI really have no idea what to think of it so any feedback wouldbe great!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot
On with the show
Why Is Love So Hard?
Chapter One: I Wish
There are five stages to a full bown head-over heels love. The first is the sometimes heart wrentching, usually annoying and definately embarressing crush...
What you do
What you do
What you do to me
Tonks was good at watching. Watching meant she didn't make a complete and utter fool out of herself. Watching meant that she could sit and pretend to be listening to conversation at the dinner table while watching him out of the corner of her eye.
She knew he didn't have a clue to busy worrying about the Order meetings or about Harry. About his next transformation he really just did not have a clue. How could someone have such an effect on another person and not have a clue about it? It just seemed totally ridiculous but it was the truth.
She watched him as he ate speaking quietly to Arthur and Bill about the state of things and giving snippets of information about his latest mission one that took him away from them all. And she realised then that it really wasn't his fault he just really did not have a clue.
You don't know what you do to me
Sometimes I find you knock me off my feet
Sometimes I wish that we could be alone
She watched, watched staying still where she wasn't the total clumsy fool everyone knew her to be. He looked up at her and smiled. Her hair turned a brighter pink if that was even possible, no one noticed, at least she hoped no one noticed.
She didn't think she could deal with that. She wanted to tell him she really did but she didn't have a clue how to go about it. She'd never really felt like this before. She'd always concentrated on getting what she wanted from school, her grades had not been brilliant but she knew what she wanted and then she went after it.
And she tried to tell herself that he was her cousin's best friend that he was twelve years older than her but it wasn't working, she had tried to come up with every excuse under the sun as to why she couldn't like him. She shouldn't like him but in the end it always came back to the reasons why she DID like him.
She knew it was wrong, she knew he would never like her that way, things were just too complicated for anything like this to happen. Besides, Tonks thought bitterly, it was her and when it came to romance nothing had ever gone her way.
Oh how I wish you'd let me keep it long
I often watch you when you're least aware
Even though I know it's rude to stare
Sometimes I find that I just can't help myself
Coz I want you don't want nobody else
She'd been paired with him for one of the Order raids were the Fates working against her or something? How was she meant to focus when she was working with him? It took all her Courage to speak to him normally in Order meetings now she was going to be in close quarters and she didn't know whether she would survive. She knew a lot rested on this mission. Of course it did. The war had escalated and any information on the movements and whereabouts of Death Eaters was important. The Order needed to know what they were doing. The latest meeting had just finished Remus had told her that he had expected to go and pick Harry up only to find out that Dumbledore was doing it himself.
She had nodded not really understanding what he was saying just watching his lips move trying to make sure she wasn't obvious about the staring. She knew it was wrong but she couldn't stop doing it.
The mission had been hard on her they'd tracked the movements back to Bella and she didn't have to be an Auror to see the pain in Remus' face. She remembered the Ministry like most of the Order did but she suspected that few felt the pain, except Harry, like Remus did.
He was now the last of the Mauraders and she could tell that something was bothering him. She had learned a lot about him from watching. She loved speaking to him but often reframed from doing so in case she tripped over her tongue in an effort to impress him.
My heart skips a beat whenever you are near
And I just don't know what I'm gonna do
Oh how I wish that you were here
Oh how I wish that you were near
Spending time, oh spending some time
Wish you were mine
Oh how I wish that you were here
Oh how I wish that you were near
Spending time, oh spending some time
Wish you were mine
"Tonks." She closed her eyes and almost put her head on the desk. She wasn't sure she could deal with him right now. She plastered a smile on her face, one she thought that looked real enough and looked up. "Hey Remus." "I need your help."
Did he use that tone of voice all the time or was it reserved for when he was talking to her? She wanted to bang her head off the table. This really was totally ridiculous she was acting like a schoolgirl with a crush. "Oh yes?" She said trying to keep her voice light. "What's that then Remus?" "I need you to help me piece together what happened on our last mission so I can present it at tonight's mission."
Tonks smiled. "Sure no problem." Remus smiled and said "Thanks Tonks." She was about to turn away when she caught him watching her from the door. She caught something in his eye as he saw her looking before he turned and walked down the hall.
It was something she didn't dare name because that would mean she was hoping for the impossible. He couldn't possibly feel the same, could he? Tonks just didn't think it was possible. He was sweet to her, caring and reassuring but he was like that with everyone.
He had the ability to make people feel at ease even in the most dangerous, the most ridiculous situation it was one of the reasons she liked him so much. She had watched him so much over the last few weeks, since she had discovered that her feelings for him were a little less innocent than simply friendship and it was only now that she realised how truly amazing he was.
They sat together later that night piecing together the evidence they had created and ran through the theories behind them trying to piece together everything from start to finish and although the contents of what they had to present was harrowing Tonks couldn't help but enjoy the few moments she had alone with Remus.
Tonks tired her hardest pretend everything was all right but she thought about him so much that it was difficult to actually focus with him around now and she was paranoid about blushing when she looked him in the eye.
My thoughts are filled with you all the time
When I'm face to face I can't look in your eye
Sometimes I find that just can't help myself
Coz I want you don't want nobody else
Of course he didn't notice. He didn't have a clue! She was mortified to find out that almost everyone else had worked it out the way Molly would smile sympathetically and Kingsley would smirk and motion as if to say. "Tell him!" She knew she should because as bad as it sounded she didn't think she would ever like anyone else the way she liked; maybe felt something more for him.
She didn't want to think about the fact she might have more feelings than she could handle especially since he didn't know and she didn't know how to tell him. She had managed to keep herself in line. "Hey Remus Harry will be coming soon." She said trying to make conversation one night. Remus' face lit up. "I know I can't wait to see him. Although it won't be for long now you know I'm going below ground soon."
Tonks found herself becoming irrationally jealous of Harry. It wasn't his fault and she found herself feeling ashamed of herself as she did because Remus was Harry's family and Remus loved him like a son but Tonks could't bring herself to stop.
Or to care.
Remus really twisted her heart into knots and she knew that she couldn't go on like this for much longer she just didn't think it was possible.
My heart skips a beat whenever you are near
And I just don't know what I'm gonna do
Oh how I wish that you were here
Oh how I wish that you were near
Spending time, oh spending some time
Wish you were mine
It was the time when she went to collect Harry after the Order had noticed he was missing though that made her realise that she had to act. And act fast. She had collected Harry off the train after finding him under a full body bind and proceeded to take him up to school.
She was talking with Harry and she knew he could tell that her heart wasn't in it. Yet another person that was worried about her condition. Who knew a simple crush could do this too you?
No she knew now it was more than a crush. She was in love with him. She had tumbled into love with Remus Lupin without even realising it. He was so gentle and so kind.
He cared about everyone around him and… Now she was starting to sound like a right soppy case! What the hell was wrong with her? She'd never been affected like this before and it was starting to scare her.
My heart skips a beat whenever you are near
And I just don't know what I'm gonna do
Oh how I wish that you were here
Oh how I wish that you were near
Spending time, oh spending some time
Wish you were mine
But she knew it had really gone to far when she sent a message to Dumbledore to say that she had found Harry, that he was safe and she was bringing him to the school she produced a Prontus and was as shocked as Harry when it turned into, not her usual falcon but a two-legged wolf.
It stood on its two legs for a moment almost as if it was howling, howling at the moon, before it fell back on all fours and darted off into the trees.
She knew that it was no normal wolf normal wolves did not have the capacity to stand on two legs, at least not for long periods of time and no without support. She watched it disappear and looked at Harry. He was frowning as if trying to figure out what the figure was.
Oh that was all she needed. Harry figuring out that she had the biggest crush on his father's best friend. Remus thought of Harry as a son and certainly as a god son she did not need him knowing.
Wish you were mine
Wish you were mine
She got to the clearing and found Snape waiting for them and Harry's face controrted into a scowl followed by something akin to horror. "What are you doing here?" Tonks asked. "I was under the impression one of the students needed collecting." Snape sneared and then looked at Harry his eyes glittering.
"Figures it would be you Potter can't be seen to be the same as anyone else can you? Always need to be better, always need the special treatment." Harry looked like he was going to retaliate but he didn't.
"I'll take it from here Tonks." He said in a scratching voice. "I know you've got better things to do." Tonks just looked at him and then promptly ignored him turning to Harry and said, "Write if you need anything Harry okay?"
Spending some time
Spending some time
Harry smiled and said, "Yeah thanks Tonks see you soon." Tonks stood quietly watching Harry disappear with Snape and could already tell that Snape was enjoying being vindictive a little too much.
She turned away and her heart give an unpleasant jump as she thought of the changes her prontus had under gone. At this rate it wouldn't be long before the whole world knew! Oh the shame! She resisted the urge to put her head in her hands instead balling them into fists.
She wished it would just go away but every time she thought about making a conscious effort to make it go away his voice came into her head and his face appeared with one of those rare smiles and her heart melted and she knew she couldn't do it.
She couldn't let go. Which then meant what was she going to do?
Wish you were mine
She walked back down the hill and made her way back into Hogsmeade so she could Apperate home and contemplated her options.
Option one: She could let go and forget about having any feeling remotely like it.
Option two: She could carry on as she was going and watch him and try and control the consequences such as her prontus changing.
Option three: She could tell him and deal with the consequences of that.
She winced as she thought about any of them if it was up to her she wouldn't be doing any but she realised she couldn't keep going on like this, but she knew she couldn't give him up either every time she thought about it she melted at his smile. She knew this wasn't going to go away.
Which of course left one option.
My heart skips a beat whenever you are near
And I just don't know what I'm gonna do
Oh how I wish that you were here
Oh how I wish that you were near
Spending time, oh spending some time
Wish you were mine
She had to tell him.
Tell him and deal with the consequences of doing so.
She sighed. Why couldn't she have discovered that it was a crush and it had gone away over time?
But no it had to go and get worse. It had to get so bad she could barely breathe and she melted at the mere thought of him. It had to get to the point where her magic was being affected. Her ability to change, her abilty to cast and it had to get to the point where she couldn't let go,
She had to let him know.
She hated knowing that she sighed,
Why was love so hard?