When will I see you again/ you left with no goodbye not a single word was said/ No final kiss to seal any seams/ I had no idea of the state we were in ~
It was his night with his precious eight month old baby girl, Sofia. The same was true for last night and the night before that. Having so much time to bond and worship the little girl that was the splitting image of her mother should have sent nothing but warm bubbles of joy throughout his entire being but all he seemed able to feel was nervous. And a bit apprehensive. Everyone had been getting along just fine... until they didn't.
He held her against his chest rubbing small circles against her back to soothe her back to sleep while the fast beat of his heart vibrated against her belly. He walked back and forth in his darkened living room, rocking slowly, his lips close to her soft ear as he hummed a gentle lullaby. She gave a contented yawn before resting her tiny chin on his shoulder, her droopy eyes finally giving in to sleep. Already, she could be so stubborn. Just like her mother. He looked down at her with a toothy smile and pressed a light kiss against a dark curl that rested upon her temple.
"You're so good with her."
Her small whisper nearly startled him as he had been completely lost in his effort to put the teething infant back to sleep. He turned his steel blue eyes to her and his smile somehow widened. She watched as he settled Sofia in her crib, pulling the lavender blanket up over her small back. She was in awe of Sofia the moment she laid eyes on her first ultrasound and she found herself in awe of the man that helped to create her.
"Goodnight, angel," Callie whispered from the doorframe as Marked backed out of the nursery with baby monitor in hand.
They stood mere inches from each other as he shut the door and his eyes fell instinctively to her mouth before moving up to the dark pools that so easily drew him in. They were begging for...he didn't quite catch what as she backed from him with a lowered head and made her way to the suede sofa.
"Thanks for letting me stay the night." Her words tumbled through trembling lips that wouldn't allow her to fully form a smile.
His nerves made the tiny hairs on the back of his neck spike and a chill ran through him that left him cold. He couldn't read her. It was the one thing he had always been good at but tonight he couldn't read her. It was like he had lost his super power. His hands balled into fists and released as a millions questions swam through his head. She came to his new apartment, the apartment he had gotten so that Sofia could have a proper nursery as well as to give them the proper space they needed as a married couple, drenched from the harsh Seattle rains and shivering from the cold. He couldn't make out any of her words as she sobbed against him soaking his clothing as well. Something about 'done' and 'over' but it surely wasn't what he thought it meant. If it was what he thought it meant that would mean...
"Mark?"
He hadn't realized he had been staring as his mind wondered. She was dry now after a short shower where he could swear her cries continued. Her wavy black hair spilled over her shoulders and she played with the cuffs of the sweat shirt he lent to her that swallowed her beautifully.
"You don't have to thank me, Torres." He answered still by the door as Callie took a seat, crossing her bare legs and pulling the sweat shirt over her knees so that she looked like a human tent. Adorable.
Her eyes finally met his again but the look was gone replaced by blank glassiness. He felt the distance between them and for the first time not just the distance that separated them in the apartment. He crossed over to the rather impressive kitchen, with new maple wood cabinets that made a semi square and a stainless steel oven he had maybe practiced cooking on two or three times. He looked through the matching stainless steel french door refrigerator and pulled out jug of water.
"You thirsty?"
She shook her head but he refilled the glass after he took a drink just in case she'd change her mind. She always did. He took another sip and walked around the kitchen island with the glass into the living room and sat across from her on the wooden coffee table, setting the glass beside him. She smiled at him as he leaned forward, his hands squeezing her knees through his sweat shirt. He smiled back. She loved his smile.
"You want to tell me what's going on? Hmmm?"
She didn't. She just wanted to bathe in his eyes and allow them to warm her. She used to just have to sneak across the hallway in the middle of the night and share a night cap with him as they stared at each other and exchanged stories about Sofia in the ten minutes one of them had been apart from her. Now he was so far away. He leaned back to grab the glass and take a sip. She took the glass from his hand and took several before handing it back to him to place back on the table.
"I missed you." Her tone was so low, he almost missed it.
"What are you talking about? We see each other everyday."
She cocked her head to the side to mirror his and her smile became laced with sorrow.
"When did just passing each other at work become enough for you?"
He didn't understand her meaning. Not only did they see each other everyday, they performed surgeries and occasionally ate lunch with their fellow friends and attendings together. They shared a daughter. She saw his confusion and it only made the pang in her stomach hurt more. She looked at him, really looked at him begging him to see but he couldn't. It was like he was closed off from her and her eyes threatened to flood again.
"Did I do something? Are you mad at me?" Her voice shook and her dam gave out, spilling a single salty tear down her blushing cheeks.
He joined her on the couch instantly, wrapping his strong arms around her in a fierce embrace. He was completely baffled and he felt crushed by her heartbreak.
"Callie, no. What are you talking about? I'm not mad at you," he soothed. "I've never been mad at you."
She rocked against him, not believing any of his words but finding comfort in his hug. She was used to receiving his hugs almost everyday and now she was lucky if she got a pat on the shoulder here and there, mostly for a surgery well done. She pulled away to look at him again. Her eyes asked for him to see her, to reconnect and he searched, trying to read what she wanted. It had never taken this much effort, it was making him anxious. Then suddenly everything that he had suppressed following that day boiled back to the surface and he grew warm then hot. He hadn't realized the wall he had built between them, it had gone up so slowly and unconsciously.
"Callie -"
"You left me." The words were bitter and he felt the sting across his cheek.
"I didn't -"
"You did!" She hissed standing and walking away from him.
He watched as she paced back and forth, the muscles in her legs peeking every now and again. The rise and fall of his chest increased with is heart beat.
"I thought, uh I thought I was helping," he said.
"You thought you were helping by putting distance between us? You were supposed to be my best friend!"
"I am your best friend!"
"Then where the hell have you been?"
Both their eyes fell on the nursery door in fear that their raised voices had disturbed their sleeping one. Breaths were released when it seemed that their words had only affected each other. Mark continued to sit in silence. He thought he had done everything right. He thought he was being a good person, a good friend but all deep down he knew he was protecting himself. Callie could say jump and he would say how high while attempting to jump at her expectation. All without blinking first. She had been his, but she wasn't anymore, maybe never was and the twisting of his insides made him long to be put out of his misery. He had to tear himself away if he wanted to continue breathing. His heart could no longer just beat for her anymore.
"What was I supposed to do? All you two ever did was fight about how I was in the way. I was giving you space. I was respecting your relationship, your marriage."
A small laugh escaped her lips. "You think we fought over you? We still fight. We fought tonight. We fight because she doesn't get me and you do."
"I don't know what you want from me Callie."
"I want you to be there."
"I was there!" He emphasized the word with acidic bite, finally rising from the sofa. "All I've ever been was there, Cal. After George, before during and after Erica. I was there to hear all about how the perky blond kissed you in the dirty bar bathroom. I was there when you broke up and got back together. I was there when she dumped you in the airport and when she came back. I was there. It was never enough."
She shook her head at his accusation, her curls tumbling back at forth. "That's not true."
"Then why did you choose her?" The words left his mouth without thought and he wanted to swallow them back. He wanted to rewind or freeze time or just become altogether invisible. Only she could do that to him.
She looked at him, blinking, her face contorted in confusion. He looked back at her praying the sudden lump in his throat would go down. The invisible wall was tumbling around him and his powers to read her like a book came flooding back. She hadn't come here because of whatever fight she had with her, she came to fight with him, for him.
~Don't you remember?/ The reason you loved me before/ Baby please remember me once more/ Gave you the space so you could breathe/ I kept my distance so you would be free ~
She continued to look at him her confusion turning to understanding but then her thoughts confused her all over again. He was in love with Lexie, right? He loved her, that's what he said on those many nights they would stay up together goofing off. But then he gave up when he could have had her back. He gave his blessing to Avery. Why would he do that?
Callie paced back and forth, her brows furrowing in deep thought. He gulped when she stopped and looked at him, her chocolate eyes filled with regret.
She knew.
He had been so good at hiding it, though Derek and just about everyone else at Seattle Grace Mercy West saw it clear as day. Addison saw it, and she was in a completely different state. She crossed over to him, her pace brisk until she reached him, her arms wrapping around his neck as her lips pressed against his, backing them up against the wall so hard that a hanging picture frame fell with a soft thud onto the carpet. He couldn't help but wrap his arms around her waist as all coherent thought left him. She stood on her toes pressed against him, her tongue forcing his mouth to open wider to taste him fully. The wool of the sweat shirt rubbed the back of his neck as the tips of her finger nails grazed his scalp. It was the sound of his own moan that brought him back to reality. His hands flew to her wrists to untwined them from around his neck and forced them to her sides then turned his head to break the kiss.
"Callie, -"
Undeterred, she brought her hands to the hem of sweat shirt and pulled it over her head so that she stood clad only in a a pair of red panties. "Isn't this what you want?" But he wasn't given the chance to answer before she was pressed against him again. He allowed the kiss, he couldn't help but allow it. The taste of her was too sweet and her skin was as soft as Sofia's. How did she keep her skin so soft? Even her hair, god her hair even still a tad damp felt good.
Her hands moved to his belt and she swiftly undid the buckle. She pushed up his shirt allowing herself to feel over his abdomen before dipping down. He caught her hands and pulled them from his jeans before pushing her away, his grip on her wrists tight. Her watery eyes met his and he knew she'd regret it. She'd hate herself and think herself no better than her ex-husband. And he'd hate himself for indulging.
"You promised!" she pleaded, trying to near him again but he held her at arms length. "Don't you remember, Mark? You promised that I'd still have you."
He remembered and it was the only promise he thought himself capable of keeping, but when he made it, somewhere in the back of his mind, he believed he's end up with her. He was so sure she'd be his. But how could he expect her to know that? He never even gave her a hint. But she should have known! Everyone else knew.
"I'm in love with you, Callie. I love you, but you chose her."
She jerked away from him, her warm cheeks stained with tears but she made no move to put the sweat shirt back on.
"I chose her because she fought for me."
"I fought for you!"
Her mouth hung open and he straightened. Hadn't he? No, he hadn't. He had always encouraged her toward someone else. He had always stood back and watched her be with someone else.
"You get credit for always being there, but you never fought for me. I didn't even know how felt until tonight. How many times did you let me go? You might as well have walked away too."
He couldn't say anything. For years he had the love of his life in his grasp and he did nothing. And he had been punishing her for it.
"I chose her because I fell in love with her. I chose her because she loves me back," her voice trembled and she struggled to take in a breathe. "I chose her becau - because I didn't know that I could've chosen you."
Those last few words broke him and he leaned his head back against the wall in futile effort to keep his tears at bay. His body rocked as sobs bubbled within him and he slid down the wall in exhaustion, legs stretched out before him. She approached, still only clad in her red panties, and sat on his lap in a straddle. His head fell on her chest plate as her arms encircled him and held him tight.
"You have to know that I love you too," she whispered. "Your my soulmate, Mark."
That he knew, which only made it harder yet somehow gave him relief. A part of her was his, only his.
"I can't do this without you. I can't be a good wife or a good mother, I can't be happy without you."
He squeezed her tighter.
"I need my best friend back."
"You have me, Torres. You'll always have me."
~When will I see you again ~
Lyrics from Adele's Don't You Remember