Where No Man Has Gone Before—Part II
SPACE SPUNK
The Prequel to:
The Wrath of Quinn
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A/N:
I've decided to run this as a sequel to my SVM space farce. I'll continue it if I get enough readers...so please let me know what you think.
What's more awesome than a box full of squeaky new sex toys? Nineties Boy Bands! Now, imagine that the best members came together in an AU 1990s to form a eugenically enhanced super boy band which takes over the world.
This farce is based upon Star Trek's Kahn stories—Space Seed (TOS)—and The Wrath of Khan (the movie). The luscious Ricardo Montalban played Kahn—SVM's still hirsute Quinn here. Space Seed aired in 1967…so given the imminent lunar landing, the script writers thought that by the 1990's we'd be star trekkin'.
Keeping w/ the original script, we'll pretend that humans were much smarter than they actually were and instead of investing in dotcoms and high risk mortgages, they actually made viable space ships. Of course, they also envisioned a third world war and bad-assed eugenically enhanced supermen…but still…
BTW…Lance Bass really was certified by both NASA and the Russian Space Program and was supposed to be on a space mission to the International Space Station before his financial backers pulled out (fact is stranger than fiction!)
Thanks to my fellow trekker and bb FDM who helps me find my funny bone and puts up with me when I kvetch. Love you girl! Thanks and hugs to Sun for egging me on.
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Yeoman Stackhouse's POV:
Lieutenant Claude Crane stood behind the island of a 20th century kitchen unit on the hollodeck where he demonstrated 20th century Earth baking. This session we'd focused on pies. The poor man had nothing else to do. When you're a starship's Earth historian and you're 40 light years from home, you'd better have a hobby. He'd been dying to run his fingers through ensign Alcide Herveaux's hair for weeks, but Alcide had no interest in Claude unless food was involved—so this week we were making cherry pies.
Claude's eyes sparkled with delight as he viewed the products Alcide, Crystal, and I had prepared and baked.
"If you've never eaten a fresh cherry pie, you're in for a treat!"
He quickly sliced a sample.
"You know the secret to great pie is a smooth, buttery crusty and a thick, moist filling…let's see how you've done. Let's try Crystal's first."
He took a bite, and quirked a grimace into a smile.
"Well, I must say Crystal—your pie has character and a very…pungent…aroma. But your crust is a bit too doughy and thick...hmmm...with more than a hint of vinegar and salt. "
His eyes widened. "Oh dear. It's very gooey. There nothing worse than a soggy pie!"
He smiled encouragingly. "Not to worry. There's not a pie in the galaxy that a big dollop of cream won't improve! Now let's see what the Yeoman has to offer."
I crossed my fingers as he took a bite.
"Oh yummy, Yeoman! Your crust is thin and delicate! It just melts away in my mouth. Your cherries are popped just enough. And the juices! A tiny hint of salt, then that sweet sensation kicks in."
He started passing samples around while Crystal glared.
"Everyone has to eat your pie Yeoman…I guarantee …every crewman on the Cornucopia will want to eat you pie. Add thick whipped cream and they'll want to lick your bowl out too! "
Crystal snickered. I was glad when Captain Northman's voice interrupted further pie sampling.
"All hands report to battle stations. Lieutenant Norris, Yeoman Stackhouse, and Lieutenant Claude Crane report to the Bridge."
The moment the Bridge door whooshed open, Captain Northman's glacial blue eyes blazed into mine. Lieutenant Norris scampered to her station and Claude Crane lurked behind me gazing at the captain like a frightened puppy. I don't think he'd been on the Bridge or Captain Northman's line of fire since the five year mission started.
"You took longer to come than I expected Yeoman. Explain"
I put on my best poker face. "We had to clean up a bit Captain. Lieutenant Crane was eating my pie and we all got a bit sticky."
Captain Northman's POV:
Captain Northman's Log. Stardate 3141.9
It has been an hour since interception of the strange phallus shaped vessel the SS Jack Ulation. Scanners indicate forty bodies with no sign of breathing, maintenance functionality, and no indication of danger to us. Direction for bridge and engineering to maintain battle stations all other decks to remain on alert.
Chief communication's officer, Lieutenant Crystal Norris, wiggled in her seat like a second grader with the right answer, or a woman with a severe Cardassian yeast infestion-the latter was probably the case.
"Captain, the pocked marked penis shaped ship is transmitting an old Morris Code signal."
She squinted with concentration…" BTW FU….BTW FU…OMG BOYZ R US….BTW FU…" Her eyes widened.
"Captain! It's actually saying…fuc..."
Chief Science Officer William Compton winced and Chief Engineer Clancy leered.
It took all of my captain's training not to grin.
"We get the picture lieutenant. So, the heartbeats we've detected can't be human. They're too faint and there are no signs of respiration. "
Chief Science Officer Compton nodded." It is almost certainly an earth vessel by design…very old…perhaps aliens salvaged a derelict…"
Clancy viewed the ship held in out tractor beams with a rapt expression.
"This is an old Earth ship—of the KY 500 liquaship series. The 500's liqua beads enhanced the older KY series gel units. The KY 500's liqua beads also lengthened the time between take off and landing and greatly enhanced thruster performance."
His eyes raked the large globular thrusters.
"They don't make thrusters like that anymore!"
He cupped his hands
"Bulky. Solid."
His nostrils flared.
"With a musky tang enhanced by the KY series maintenance lubricants. How I'd love to slip my hands over every inch…"
First officer William Compton's already thin lips thinned even more.
"The vessel's signals and shape may indicate that this is a KY series Earth ship. Yet, there are no historical records to support this supposition. However, this ship was most certainly constructed during the era of the eugenics wars when the whole planet was overtaken by a selection of young supermen under the guise of boy bands."
I decided to put our ship historian to work for once.
"Lieutenant Crane ?"
Lieutenant Crane's Adam's apple bobbed. His voice squeaked a bit, but eventually he found his balls and suplied the necessary information.
"The eugenics mastermind Dr. Jack Ulation, was the seminal force behind many of the so called 'boy bands.' 'New Kids on the Block, was the code name for the first wave of Augments—a group of young supermen who enthralled the human population. Their pablum filled lyrics and vacuous harmonies were calibrated to deaden the human mind. Non augmented humans-especially young females-were putty in their hands. The Augments quickly seized power. Danny "I've Got" Wood was the first. Next came Joey "Deez Nutz" Fatone and Justin "The Ripper" Timberlake The code name for his Augments was N' SYNC. Then there was Lance "The Fly Fisher" Bass. The entire world succumbed to their influence. It took the better part of a decade for the Grunge rebels to overthrow them."
Bill Compton's lips thinned to invisibility.
"Their music and fashions put the world on the verge of a Dark Ages. They were aggressive, arrogant, libidinous dictators. The world, and especially non-enhanced males of the Grunge persuasion, finally rose up against the fashions and angst the boy bands imposed causing the great 20th Century philosopher 'Auntie Oprah' to coin the phrase, ' Superior length breeds superior ambition.' "
Crane added. "Forty were unaccounted for."
Compton stroked his chin. "Why would such a significant number be unaccounted for? "
I met Compton's eyes.
"Would you tell a boy band weary population that forty of the most infamous mind controlling pseudo performers had escaped ?"
*cue ominous music*
Da da duuhhhnnnn
Yeoman Stackhouse's POV:
Ship's log, supplemental. Yeoman Stackhouse reporting. A boarding party including ship's historian Claude Crane is now completing its examination of the USS Jack Ulation. Attempts to revive the sleepers await our further assessment of the condition of their apparent leader and second in command. Dr. Ludwig is frankly amazed at their truly monumental… recuperative powers.
Lt Crane looked around the room and gasped.
"What a delicious…um…handsome group of men."
Captain Northman shot him a withering glance.
"More specifics and less ogling Lieutenant."
Lieutenant Crane wandered down the row trailing his fingers over each transparent container where sexy men rested in fuzzy blue fleece vests and the stupidest pants I've ever seen.
"Sorry sir. I've seen ancient posters of these men. They hail from 1990s Earth when boy bands ruled the planet. The entire planet was divided between N' SYNC, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, B2K, O-Town, and LFO."
He smiled fondly.
"The Augments loved acronyms almost as much as they loved gripping their posteriors. Their clothing alone would give them away…Hypercolor tear away pants that are one color when that part of the body is cool and a different color when that part of the body warms up, fleece vests, Fade hair cuts..."
Bill Compton shook his head.
" A fleece vest is illogical…it would be insufficiently warm for outer wear in cool weather or uncomfortably warm in the summer months …and tear away pants? I can only conclude that the sheer meaninglessness of the garb was intended to augment the mind numbing intent of their meaningless lyrics and saccharin harmonies. "
Claude sighed; his eyes locked on the copious nether regions of a sleeping Augment.
"The tear away pants made for easy access to their greatest assets. And you certainly have to admire their enormous…drive."
Captain Northman's blue eyes hardened and I could tell Claude Crane was going to get read the riot act about professional conduct sometime in the near future
"Captain…" Dr. Ludwig exclaimed. "We've triggered something! There are signs of respiration in this one. This male's heart rate's eight beats per minute and rising."
All eyes locked upon one of the most gorgeous men I'd ever seen. Tall, Dark, and Handsome could definitely give my blond Viking captain a run for his money. The Augment's wide shoulders were molded bronze. His ruggedly handsome face seemed vaguely familiar. His firm, sensual lips curled slightly—just this edge of a sneer, and his black, wavy hair flowed back from his forehead. How I wanted to run my fingers through that hair! His broad muscular chest rose and fell . My pulse pounded. Claude mopped his forehead and licked his lips.
This guy was to die for. Bronzed. Wide at the shoulders. Narrow at the hips. Long, powerful haunches. Yep. Just the way I liked them.
The captain crouched in front of the case, his own long powerful haunches molded against his black regulation trousers.
"What's his status doctor?"
"Body temperature rising to 37 C. Heart rate's at forty beats per minute…respiration firming up!"
Dr. Ludwig's tricorder emitted, well, a squeal, followed by mmmm, mMM, MMMM, MMMMM and a sort of ha-hah-heeee.
That wasn't all that was firming. Claude whistled softly.
"This IS my lucky day!"
Clancy turned green with envy. Even the Captain muttered, "Impressive."
Heat sensitive Hypercolor pants make it really difficult to hide the father of all boners. It had to be morning somewhere because two centuries of wood wanted out of those tear aways.
"Lt. Crane—is he the leader?"
Claude's eyes were glued to the bronzed Adonis. He sighed.
"Lieutenant!"
Claude Crane blinked and swallowed.
"Um...yes sir. The leader was often set to revive first. He'd decide if conditions warranted revival of the others. This man is from the Northern New Jersey area—somewhere around the exit 13 of the infamous New Jersey Turnpike I.d imagine. Probably Sicilian."
His eyes sparkled with excitement.
"They're stallions!"
Clancy snickered, the captain's lip twitched .
Crane's eyes grew large and liquid as he gaze swept from the reviving brunette to a gorgeous blond.
"I mean they're stalwart…warriors. Um... imagine meeting men from the twentieth century…"
Dr. Ludwig's tricorder emitted high-pitch beeps and something that sounded like Ahhhhhh phuttts.
"Captain! Heart rate is dropping. Arrhythmia!"
Her voice cracked with alarm. The supersized tent in the Augment's tear aways was also deflating.
"He's going down!"
Captain Northman's eyes blazed.
"Break the containment unit open!"
Bill barked, "It's too risky! If they revive and harmonize, mass hypnosis may infect the ship...possibly the entire the quadrant!"
A long thick rod on the wall began to rotate and vibrate. A message flashed from its head to its sturdy base—Rock Your Body Emergency Stimulator
I grabbed it as Dr, Ludwig shouted, "He's at death's door! Follow your Captain's order Yeoman!"
I shoved the "stimulator" through a thin circular membrane in the center of the containment unit. The barrier shredded. Tall, Dark and Handsome slid out , and Dr Ludwig began CPR.
"He's still going down! I need help! I once read a medical abstract that theorized that enhancements in an Augment's anatomy required a modified approach to anesthesia …and revival…"
I had just completed my training in emergency triage protocol, so Dr. Ludwig turned to me and barked, "Yeoman. Rip off those tear aways and stimulate his reproductive organ! It's our only hope!"
Oh course, I was more than happy to lend a hand.
My captain and my erstwhile lover's eyes darkened dangerously. I had, however, recently caught him in flagrante delicto with a sim Felicia, the Cornucopia's luscious bartender, on a hollodeck generated Caribbean beach. Like the boy band song says, "What comes around, goes around," so, I squared my shoulder, flashed my most brilliant smile, and quoted the Starfleet Motto.
"Duty first sir! No mission too difficult. No sacrifice too great!"
I ripped off the tear aways accompanied by Claude's applause and bent to my task.
Dr Ludwig pumped vigorously upon his broad muscled chest, while I pumped upon an equally impressive expanse.
For a while it was touch and go.
It became increasingly obvious that the Augment's tower of power was intimately connected to his ability to revive. I increased my efforts and was rewarded with a deep guttural moan and Dr. Ludwig's triumphant shout, "Things are looking up!"
They certainly were.
A big, warm hand curled around mine and the velocity and intensity of the emergency stimulation increased until the Augment's pansy purple eyes popped open. His magnificent body shuddered.
A deep rumbling voice shouted, " COWABUNGA!" as the boarding party witnessed an eruption of truly volcanic proportions.
The captain stepped forward and placed a hand on my shoulder. His fingers brushed my collarbone, lingering there too long to be an accident.
"Good…work Yeoman. You can stand down now."
I picked up the tear aways intending to drape them over the revival zone, but the Augment's big hand gripped mine harder.
"Girl you are sooo PHAT. Sooo fly! Yo, those boots and red mini dress are dope!"
I squeezed the big slightly sticky hand, my hand was just destined to be sticky today, and glanced at Lt. Crane in confusion.
The Augment leader thought I was fat?
Lt Crane grinned. "He thinks that you and your clothes are very attractive— PHAT stand for 'pretty hot and tasty.' "
Well, I could certainly deal with that assessment.
I beamed at him.
"Welcome to the twenty-third century sir."
His pansy purple eyes locked on the captain's glacial blue.
"What up Dawg! My homies? I got mad love for my homies."
The Captain turned to Lt. Crane and Dr. Ludwig.
"I was given to understand that the Augment's first language was English. Has he suffered some form of brain damage?"
Dr, Ludwig shook her head. "Brain function is normal…well…considering…they areboy band Augments…"
Lt Crane gazed at the revived Augment with worshipful eyes.
"He's probably still disoriented and has reverted to 1990's colloquial speech. He's greeting you and enquiring about his men, sir."
The captain nodded.
"Your 'homies' are intact and still in their units. Sir, are you the commander of this vessel?"
The Augment snorted.
"All that and a bag a chips dawg!"
Claude cleared his throat, "He means…"
Captain Northman exhaled forefully. "I get the gist, lieutenant."
Chief Science Officer Bill Compton stepped forward and lowered his voice.
"Captain, I've run a complete analysis of the vessel and suggest the revived Augment be removed to the Cornucopia as soon as possible while his comrades remain in stasis. After consulting with Lt. Crane, I'm afraid that there is no doubt that the Augment captain and crew of this vessel was destined for a penile colony."
Captain Northman's eyebrow raised a fraction.
"You mean a penal colony?"
"No sir, as the name suggests—the augments nether regions and minds are even more closely connected than those of non augmented males. Special penial contaiment locations-known as Jock Docks- were the only way to contain them. "
Lt Crane interrupted excitedly.
"It's true captain! It was said that an Augment's penis has a hole in the end so that he could be open minded. And captain, I think that I've identified the leader and his second. The leader is John "The Mighty Taint" Quinn. With his Jersey Boy good looks and fabulous physique, especially his exceptional…um…exception, John was destined for greatness. He was the last great heartthrob and quickly rose above all of the other Augments. During his reign, John reveled in touching his taint, and promoting taint awareness through various foundations such as the Citizens for Tainted Love. "
He stroked the case where another sleeping beauty lay. This one was a dreamy blond with a slight plush hint of beard.
"His second is surely, Lance, "The Fly Fisher" Bass. Born with mostly male parts in a small American town, Lance often dreamed of stardom. Lance loved every aspect of fly fishing. He was once honored with a seat on a Soyuz space capsule. He would be the SS Jack Ulation's navigator as Bass was certified by both NASA and the Russian Space Program where he spent several months fly fishing with the cosmonauts on the International Space Station."
Bill's smiled grimly. "Yes. They were pretty boys with ugly secrets. They will be tough nuts to crack…"
Captain Northman glanced at me then at the treasure chest between Quinn's legs as Clancy and Dr Ludwig assisted him to his feet.
"But we'll crack them…one ...by one."
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Stay tuned!
Will Lance Bass fish for Claude's fly?
Will Sookie's pie be tainted?
Has our Incredible Hunk finally met his match?
This is the Original SVM Trek Spoof
Accept No Imitations of this Imitation
Augment my life!
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