Quack Experimental Crossover Excel Hina: Palpitations of State.
Chapter A/N: Takes place ten years prior to the events of "The Tyrant's new Reign." Freedom Fighters and Evil Dead mainly provide characters and some settings; this is a straight Love Hina and Excel Saga crossover otherwise.
Chapter 1: Blazing Intensive Conspiracy!
"Hail Il Palazzo!" Excel raised her forearm in the ACROSS salute, which an unfortunate outside observer would find eerily familiar before his untimely death for stumbling on the terrorist cell's hideout. "What is thy bidding today oh most stupefying one?"
As Hyatt, Cosette and Elgala finished their superior's salute with a saccharine "-Zzo," the same wannabe dictator of the world issued a typically sardonic greeting. "As always Agent Excel, I have commissioned a still more cunning plan for the conquest of the city in accordance with our supreme ideals. However, you may wish to keep your juvenile rambling to an even more absolute minimum than I would normally tolerate, since this action may yet achieve that stated goal at a single stroke." His tone bespoke a depressing familiarity with his agents' shortcomings borne of nearly a decade's frustration.
"Really, Lord Il Palazzo sir? Excel is incomprehensibly, indubitably, inchoately ecstatic at the masterful plots of her supremely dominant overlord in absolutely every single picayune tiny microscopic aspect of her worthless downtrodden life; so much so that I, the courageous Excel Excel shall redouble my efforts forthwith to obey totally and abjectly every whim that enters your most excellent and arbitrary mind!" Excel looked beneath her upon feeling the floor give way before crying out, "Oh teacakes, I'm falling again…!" Excel trailed off as she hurtled down The Pit, yet another venerable institution in the surprisingly well-equipped hideout of an otherwise understaffed subversive organization.
Having stepped several paces aside from the trapdoor just prior to Excel's drop, Hyatt inquired of her master, "And may we inquire what that plan is, Lord Il Palazzo?" Cosette remained blank at the whole scene, having grown quite used to it. Elgala stared down the pit after Excel in covertly (even to herself) tearful empathy, having herself been dropped nearly as many times as her superior within fewer years of ACROSS membership.
"Indeed you may, Agent Hyatt." Il Palazzo clicked on a throne-mounted button, dropping a projection screen and displaying the surveillance video of an exceptionally skilled kendo practitioner trouncing her opponent in an exhibition before removing her mask and revealing her face. "This is Motoko Aoyama. Aged 25; known resident of Kyoto, Kyoto Prefecture and Hinata, Kanagawa Prefecture; she is currently grand master of the Gods' Cry School of kendo based in the former city, and also a graduate student at Tokyo University." Freezing on another frame of Motoko drawing a strangely dark-hued katana from its sheath, he continued, "And this is the best shot available of her personal weapon: 'Hina: The Ominous Blade.' Legend has it that this same sword and its former master, a minor daimyo warlord of the Urashima clan, very nearly razed Kyoto to the ground some centuries ago during our own Warring States period before the Gods' Cry School sealed its occult power away with their legendary techniques. Such a weapon could be of immeasurable use to ACROSS in conquering Fukuoka City. Nay, the whole of Japan even!
But that is not all I wish us to retrieve. Our current mission: City Conquest Plan #616666 is the largest yet attempted by ACROSS, spanning not one or two but three full continents! Agent Key heads the operation in America, where he is to acquire this," Ilpalazzo flipped to another slide of a macabre-looking text grotesquely bound in what looked like human skin, "the infamous Necronomicon ex Mortis, i.e. 'Book of the Dead,' by any means necessary. With this, ACROSS will literally hold the power of life-and-death (albeit mostly death) over the entire world!" Il Palazzo considered Key's role in the operation a necessary evil only, thinking to himself along the following lines the whole presentation: Narcissistic bastard! I should've fired you from ACROSS years ago if only the intelligence you've provided on the United States weren't so valuable…
Il Palazzo continued on. "Agent Cosette, I bid you to infiltrate Europe where you are to trace this," Ilpalazzo flipped again to a grainy World War II era picture of an ancient lance. "The Spear of Destiny. Purported by Christian superstition to be the lance that pierced Christ's side at the Crucifixion, much folklore since the subsequent European medieval period claims that whoever possesses this weapon is destined to rule the world. Said legend, while inherently unreliable considering its source," Il Palazzo's opinion about orthodox religion in general and Christianity in particular being notoriously unfavorable, "seems to be corroborated via the Spear's documented possession by several key European rulers of the past millennia during the peak of their power: notably Charlemagne, Napoleon, Hitler, and Stalin among several others. Even the American General George S. Patton is alleged by some sources to have had the weapon briefly, but this report is the least reliable of all." Despite Il Palazzo's flippancy regarding this prominent myth, he clearly regarded it seriously enough to build a mission around.
"Uh, Lord Ilpalazzo, if this legend is the probable fabrication of a false religion bolstering the corrupt state power worldwide, then why is one of our missions so closely bound to it?" The risen-from-the-pit Excel had just enough intelligence to regret her impulsive, if well intentioned and timely, question soon after it left her mouth.
"Agent Excel, our schedule is tight today so I shall refrain from punishing you twice from what I shall regard as the same sort of benevolent foolery on your part. ACROSS is a small if resolute agency, and we need to cover all possible bases if we are to increase our clout worldwide." Il Palazzo put his fingers to his spectacles in an obvious gesture of fatigue at this exceptionally long briefing.
"Agents Excel and Hyatt, you are to proceed to Kyoto and/or Hinata as necessary with all haste and procure the Hina Blade. Cosette, I suggest you begin your search for the Spear of Destiny in Russia, where it was last reported as kept under strict KGB guard before vanishing shortly after the USSR's dissolution. Report to me at once when you have completed your objectives. Elgala, you are to join Key in New York and proceed together to the Necronomicon's last known position in Dearborn, Michigan. Standing orders for you all are to terminate any opposition with extreme prejudice!"
"It cough… it will cough, cough, HACK!… It will be done, Lord Ilpala…drop" Hyatt keeled over and began trickling blood, from her mouth and several other orifices as well, before finishing her acknowledgment of orders. It was yet another disturbing habit among his subordinates Ilpalazzo had resigned himself to long ago.
"Roger. Orders received." Cosette knew best of all how to execute the last directive of her master's, and had substantial ideas how to proceed with the rest.
"YAY! Obliterate, exterminate, for Lord Il Palazzo's sake!" Excel broke into song just barely after Ilpalazzo had finished. "Homicide! Genocide! Deicide, without asking why!" Excel dragged a temporarily deceased Hyatt out the door while singing thusly to commence their mission as their fellow agents split off on theirs as well. This moment was to change everything in the coming months.
Some days after this pivotal ACROSS meeting nearly half of Japan away from him, Keitaro Urashima woke up roughly (as usual) in the Manager's room of the Hinata House Women's Dormitory that he ran at his grandmother's behest. Naru Narusegawa, a substitute teacher for the local school system and his wife of the past two years, had apparently awakened before and begun her day without him. "As usual; probably a good thing too since she IS still Naru and all, even if married." The woman had zero patience for being ogled or even seeming to be so, even by her own husband, outside the most narrowly defined of intimate circumstances.
Smelling the luscious aroma of Shinobu Maehara's cooking, Keitaro ambled down the stairs to the waiting kitchen at the landing and greeted his self-styled protégé with the usual warmth. "Hey Shinobu! Nice job as always."
"SENIOR!" Shinobu flustered briefly in surprise, her way of handling the crush she still felt for him even as she deferred to her other senior Naru. Collecting herself, essential in the kitchen and nearly inexcusable to lose for a chef of Shinobu's still rising caliber, she bowed deeply and quickly to him before returning to her cooking before she replied. "I trust you're well? Senior Naru left for work before you woke up, and Ema-chan is already at school." Shinobu referred to her friend since Keitaro's wedding, Ema Maeda, 17 years old and in her second year at Kanagawa Prefectural High School; studying to follow her own "senior" Shinobu's path to the prestigious Tokyo University.
"Thanks, Shinobu. Say, that dish wouldn't be…" But decidedly less pleasant domestic matters rudely interrupted Keitaro's kind and hungry inquiry for her from the nearby lobby.
"And pray tell just what do you mean I can't tell you what to do anymore, hon'?" Mitsune 'Kitsune' Konno, so nicknamed for the fox-like air she took on when feeling her usual mischievous self, was locked in an argument with the Hinata House teahouse's indebted employee of the past two years, Kentaro Sakata. Never a pleasant duel even under the best of circumstances, considering his ample-enough arrogance that had only grown (assuming such was of course possible…)in recent years for reasons unclear to the Hinata household, aside from his obvious vendetta against Keitaro for marrying his crush Naru, but doubtlessly ominous for the future. 'Kitsune' decided to lay off the stick in favor of the carrots for the time being as she leaned sultrily towards Kentaro with hands on her hips and her eyes locked to his when asking her question, wisely thinking to use his own inflated sense of masculinity against him.
"Just what I said, you superannuated trollop!" Kentaro threw down the gauntlet at Mitsune's less-than-subtle wiles. He was through with her and her ceaseless objectification of him, HIM of all people! "I've found employment that respects a man of my education and stature, and affords him opportunities mere peons such as you couldn't even comprehend let alone seize."
"Well then, Kentaro." Keitaro strode into the dining room purposefully as Mitsune gaped in dumbstruck hurt from Kentaro's calling her bluff so archly. Keitaro's whole poise was emulating his mentor Dr. Seta Noriyasu's practice: carefully maintain neutrality and present resolve without aggression. "If you truly feel working here no longer suits you, Mr. Sakata… you can go."
"But Keitaro?" Mitsune was shocked at this seeming fold on her longtime crush's part. Her thoughts ran on multiple veins at once that could nonetheless be summarized as one: "Come on Kei-sugar, be a MAN for me and Naru; stick it to this loser like he deserves! Even Seta would've had enough with language like Kentaro just used on me, little old ME I say!"
But Keitaro was adamant in denying Mitsune her anticipatedentertainment of two men brawling over her, which she enjoyed whatever the reason involved, as he firmly stated his decision. "He's worked off his debt to us, Kitsune. More than worked it off,to be honest. I've checked the books, and that's all there is to it. If he wants to quit, that's his right. None of us here have a right to force him to like anything." Keitaro looked at Kentaro squarely, subtly reinforcing the mutual character of that statement.
"Thank you, Mr. Urashima. I shall retrieve my things and head home, never to see this mad place again if too soon." His return gaze to Keitaro shot pure venom despite his words' measured formality. "A pity I couldn't say goodbye to Naru on my way out. Perhaps I shall instead see her again in due time; when I have attained my proper place in this world, after all."
"Whatever, Mr. Sakata." Keitaro had absolutely no desire to stoop to Kentaro's level; he'd won that war long ago, and saw even less need than desire to reinforce the point. Kentaro couldn't touch him now, and was more the fool for still trying and making enemies where he didn't have to in the process. Still, Keitaro did twitch slightly when he thought he heard Kentaro's whispered opinion of that place from some paces behind:
"…Ruling you all with a hot iron fist…" Kentaro's face also seemed to gesticulate appropriately. Clearly Kentaro Sakata was a man with both reality and self-control issues.
Some hours later, after Kentaro had stormed out with his things and attitude though, Kaolla Su barged into the room with her cell phone clutched in two wrought hands, itself a disturbing scene considering her usual… high spirited mood. She even had the haunted expression she could get when she wasn't using her magic to appear some years younger than she was. Not enough to worry about or anything, just enough to cover the difference between, say, 22 and 17 years old. "Keitaro, it's terrible! It's… in Kyoto… Something terrible has happened to…" That musical Hindi accent of hers sounded completely inappropriate for her current emotional state, to Keitaro's mind at least.
Keitaro Urashima rushed up and promptly hugged the petite graduate student as she shivered in his arms. "Slow down, Su; what's happened?" Given the incident's origin, however, Keitaro had a depressing idea what it was.
"Motoko. Mo… Motoko has been injured, Senior Keitaro. Badly. I just heard from her big sister, Tsuruko… herself; the doctors say Motoko might even…" Kaolla trailed off at the mere thought of the unmentionable possibility.
Keitaro simply hugged her in silence as his thoughts staggered. "Who's so tough as to nearly kill Motoko? She's Grand Master of the Gods' Cry School for Heaven's sake! Hell, I'm no stranger to the blade myself after nearly 8 years of training with her off-and-on, and even I stand MAYBE a one-in-two chance in a duel with that woman.
"More like 1-in-2.6875, Keitaro…" Kaolla slightly perked at his last thought, which must have been mumbled aloud or such, recalling his 16/43 win/loss record against Motoko in their sparring duels. "Could you possibly help me get a train there; to the station nearest the Kyoto Prefectural Hospital? I know it's an awful imposition on you and Naru, but I just…"
Keitaro put one finger to her lips and silenced her at that instant. "Of course, Su. That's not even a question; we're family here, and we're all going to watch over each other, no matter what."
"Fortunately for you, dearest, I heard that." A dampened version of Naru Narusegawa's familiar peeved tone echoed through the lobby as she entered the Hinata House. Keitaro had just barely avoided a beating of the bad kind from her by giving his gesture to Kaolla an appropriately Platonic context. She put her hand on Su's right shoulder opposite Keitaro's on her left as she affirmed her husband's gallantry with, "It's no problem at all, Su. I was planning a trip to my family's residence anyway, so this shouldn't take us too far out of the way considering."
"Indeed, hon'." Mitsune walked up and decided to join the group hug. "I'll call ahead to the local train station for tickets; we'll need to move if we want to make visiting hours." Mitsune took charge as she usually did in situations like these, especially when able to collaborate with her longtime best friend Naru. Within the hour the four housemates had linked up with Ema at her school as she was leaving, and they all headed for the local bullet train station.
Some distance away, in a shadowy alley in the even more so suburbs of Hinata, Excel panted in relief at having evaded pursuit thus far. "Oh Lord Il Palazzo…" the huffing came fast and ragged now, as it always did when dragging an expired Hyatt with police hot on their tails was involved. "Surely your plans could become even more perfect by becoming simpler for once?" She allowed herself this minor blasphemy considering her utter exhaustion at having run, Hyatt in tow, seemingly half the trip here from Kyoto, both the actual and perceived rest being by very tense stowaway ride on a bullet train; and the fact that unlike usual it had actually been worthwhile. The black katana carefully sheathed and propped beside her slouched form testified to that succinctly.
She'd made her way here after placing a covert phone call to Lord Il Palazzo on her mobile, thus receiving instructions to link up with an unidentified ACROSS sympathizer and await further orders. "Who could that be anyway?" Excel's thoughts wondered, since the whole greater Tokyo area was definitely on the "CORRUPT BASTARDS! DIE! DIE! DIE!" sector of Excel's personal world map. Her question was answered as a shadowy figure approached her from behind, provoking Excel to jump into an ACROSS Ansastuken combat stance as she exclaimed: "GAAACK! Who you are? Yourself identify now or die!!"
"If our Lord has to hire such like you for help, then surely the Cause must be in dire straits indeed." Kentaro Sakata stepped out of the shadows just enough to be visible, having changed into an outfit much like Lord Il Palazzo's but lacking the armored cape and crown. "Agent Clarion of the Secret Ideological Organization ACROSS, Comrade Excel; making acquaintance as ordered."
"Hey, when did you get hired? I don't remember the Director or Will-chan saying anything about a new character." Excel puzzled about this meta-issue in her usual fashion, incomprehensible to the world at large and doubly so to Kentaro.
"If you must know when this humble one got the divine opportunity to serve our Lord Il Palazzo, it was when I met the radiant Comrade Elgala on the Tokyo University Med School campus whilst slaving away to this corrupt world's dictates." Kentaro's feelings for Elgala were clearly apparent, an incomplete transfer of those for Naru in continuation of his penchant for unavailable women. "We touched, yes; and I was touched by the sublime enlightenment that is ACROSS as much as her…" He didn't get the chance to finish his confabulation.
"NO WAY!!!" Excel smacked Kentaro across the alley in surprisingly similar fashion to Naru's style, he impacting roughly onto another brick wall and falling to the pavement in a battered heap to gape upward at a very peeved Excel. "I do remember El-chan making a trip up to Tokyo for some unspecified mission; but NO WAY IN HELL would she do such things with a Grade-S jerk like yourself! She's not that loose, so just forget about such hentai thoughts right now. And watch your language when talking to a superior officer, bucko!" Excel decided it was best to show dominance right off with suchlike runts, otherwise a situation that just wouldn't do for world conquest might develop.
"FINE!" Kentaro was becoming mortally exasperated with his nominal superior, wanting to end this miserable encounter as quickly as possible. "Maybe you don't want to hear our Lordship's supplemental orders?" He tried to collect himself as best as possible in these circumstances, i.e. not much.
"New orders? TELL ME NOW PEON!" Excel grabbed Kentaro by the collar and began to shake him roughly before a soft tap on her shoulder forced Excel to look behind. There was Hyatt, all refreshed and resurrected like Motoko hadn't slashed her open in five places (all of them vital) during the ACROSS girls' assault to seize the Hina Blade. Excel had taken Motoko down in the end, of course, if not fatally so as would've been preferred since escape with the blade took first priority; but it had been the closest fight Excel had ever personally faced thus far. "What Ha-chan??"
"I think you're referring to these, senior." Hyatt handed a small piece of paper to Excel which read thusly:
"All agents, upon completion of your individual objectives for City Conquest Plan #616666 you are to secure plane tickets to the Kingdom of Molmol at your earliest convenience, there to rendezvous with myself and new agents for further orders. Signed and Sealed, Lord Il Palazzo." His own four-character seal was impressed at the end of the short strip, which Excel goggled her eyes at in rapture and then promptly hid from the world as fit only for them.
"Eh-Ehhh… Lord Il Palazzo, although the thought of a Pacific getaway with you is utter ecstasy to this Excel, I don't exactly know how many temp jobs I'd have to work to get there in a timely manner. Waaah!" Excel began to bawl suspiciously like a disappointed child, which Kentaro took advantage of to regain at least his dignity if not the command he felt he deserved over these cretins.
"Never mind Comrades Excel, Hyatt," Kentaro bowed to Hyatt and (offhand) Excel in a mock gesture of respect, not that he thought they had enough of a clue to tell. "The tickets are where I come in, naturally." His family fortune and ease of accessing it saw to that.
"Wow Ha-Chan!" Excel glomped Kentaro nearly enough to send him sprawling again, and definitely enough to induce a nosebleed on his part, as she exclaimed, "Having a member of ACROSS that's loaded is way better than conquest-on-a-budget right?" She poked him with her elbow precisely in his navel, prompting only a nod in reply due to the excruciating pain. Kentaro decided to just have off with it and led the three ACROSS agents in the direction of his safe house not far away, thence to plan their departure from Japan to Molmol post-haste…